I relaxed into the soft folds of the blankets. “No, I don’t need anything besides sleep.”
He shook his head, muttering, “Trust you. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ll be down the hall in case you need anything.” The frown lines deepened in his forehead. “If your headache gets worse, call me. Goodnight, Kelly. I hope you’re feeling better in the morning.” He turned out the light as he walked out the door. Once in the hallway, he closed it.
Silence. I lay in the blackness, waiting for sleep. It seemed like years since Gary had left this morning, and I thought of him back at home, sleeping alone in our bed.
Maybe. Maybe he wasn’t alone.
I closed my eyes tighter, and for once I didn’t have to pretend the pain had disappeared. I let it sleep within like so many other things. I turned on my right side and recalled Tyler’s face, knowing that even while that pain slept, other emotions were rising from slumber, emotions I assumed would never wake again.
His blue eyes peered at me, half-open in hunger, half-closed in pain. He sensed what was to come, but he did not pity me. Somewhere down that hall, he, too, lay in bed. But did he sleep?
My fingers touched the shells draped around my neck, and that’s when I knew I would never truly die. I would never be subtracted from this world, only added to the next. The ocean would carry my spirit in the resounding echo of each tide, and Tyler would wake to its resonance each morning, changed again in the water’s gentle spray. He would hear me speak in the gulls overhead. He would look for shells and remember the ones we’d found.
No, I wouldn’t die. I would live in his heart, and I could ask no better place to exist than in this ocean, in this man.
Chapter Eight
The quiet warmth of sunlight brightening the room gently nudged me from sleep instead of the blare of an alarm clock. For a moment, I felt disoriented and confused as I gazed around the room, expecting to see the floral wallpaper of the hotel, not the cream, textured walls of Tyler’s guest bedroom.
Then I remembered last night. A tightening in my stomach suggested what I could not say. Whether I wanted to or not, I would have to tell Tyler the truth about my “headaches.” That would be the test, I supposed. I clenched the blankets in my fist. But not now, not today.
I sat up slowly, testing for residual pain. None. As I looked around the room again, I spotted a tray laden with breakfast on the dresser. I leaned forward for a closer look at the contents: eggs and toast, a glass of juice, and a mug of coffee with steam rising in the air.
My fingers slackened, and I smiled. Tyler had been here, probably only moments ago, to deliver breakfast. And I had slept through his visit.
Throwing back the covers, I dangled my feet over the side of the bed, walked to the dresser, and carried the tray to the nightstand before climbing back into bed. Once I had drawn the covers around my body, I scanned the contents of the tray again and found yet another surprise lying in wait. In the center of the tray were was a small tulle sachet tied with a blue ribbon. I lifted the sachet and touched it, finding the center filled with sand. While my fingers stroked the soft fabric, I thought of the earrings Gary had given me what seemed to be a lifetime ago.
I set the sachet back on the tray and picked up my napkin. After I’d placed it in my lap, I set the coffee and juice on the nightstand and lifted the rest of the tray onto my lap. After I’d finished, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. Although the inside of me felt more alive than I had in years, my skin appeared pale, probably more so than usual, and I cursed this body once again for not being able to live up to my expectations. The dark circles under my eyes appeared larger, more threatening this morning, and to me, any fool could see what was happening, how I was breaking down each day. I touched my face, brushing the skin under my eyes as though that would allow me to wipe away the darkness there.
My long hair looked rumpled, half-tangled, and, even as I ran my fingers through it, I knew no amount of patting would put it back into place. I needed a shower, but all my things were back at the hotel. I shook my head, thinking of the strange feelings this uprooted. Like when Gary and I had been dating and I first spent the night at his apartment....
I tried to shut off the memory, but it steamrolled on, along with the emotions of being a foreigner in Gary’s home and yet wanting so much to belong in his life. I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to ward away the chills brushing my skin, knowing it hadn’t been the ending of that relationship that had left such cold emptiness inside. Instead, the fact that I could see around the bend to where I’d finally come had hit me hard. Suddenly my soul felt like a foreigner in this body. Again.
I started to gulp air, feeling panicked. You think you’d get used to dying, I thought while staring at my reflection. I turned and barreled out the door, slamming into Tyler.
Although surprised, he recovered first, catching my elbows and keeping me from losing my balance. “Good morning to you, too, Kelly. I was just going to check and see if you were up and around.”
“Yeah, I got up a few minutes ago.”
He unwrapped his fingers from my elbows and slowly released me. “So I noticed. Where are you off to in such a hurry?” He took a step back and leaned against the wall, giving us both some space.
“The hotel. I need a shower.”
“Okay,” he replied as we walked toward the living room.
“Thanks for letting me stay last night.” I touched his wrist. And thanks for the sand.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, well, you weren’t in any condition to go back to the hotel.” He looked down and cleared his throat as though he were going to say something else but had changed his mind, avoiding my gaze.
I withdrew my hand. “You might as well spit it out. I’m an adult, Tyler.”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath and forced himself to look into my eyes. “Well, that’s part of the problem.” He raked his fingers through his hair and shook his head.
“Meaning?” I asked softly.
“We both know there’s something between us. Or could be.” He smiled awkwardly and began pacing around the living room a few times in silence before pausing in front of me again. “Maybe I’m way off base. Maybe you don’t feel anything. I don’t know.”
I sat on the couch. “Don’t you?”
He glanced at the recliner opposite me and perched on the end of it. “Kelly, you’re married. Happy or not. I don’t want to be somebody who helped put dents in your relationship. Or total it. You being around me isn’t a good idea for either of us.” He clasped his hands together. “Even if it feels good.”
Without realizing it, I started to laugh, hesitantly at first, then freely. Tyler frowned. “Mind sharing what’s so funny?” Even though he was hunched over, every muscle appeared taut, waiting.
“You can’t dent something that somebody else already wrecked, Tyler, and this is one I can’t fix. I don’t want to. Not anymore.” I walked to the table and picked up my purse. The keys rattled together in my trembling fingers. “Gary’s at our home in Colorado because I told him to go there--alone. Not because of you. Not because of what might or might not happen between us. Because I wanted him out of my life. There’s a whole world I haven’t seen, and I don’t want to see it with him. Not feeling this way.”
I walked to the door and laid my hand on the handle. “When I loved Gary, you couldn’t have destroyed that marriage. You’re a strong man, but even you couldn’t have moved that mountain. I wouldn’t have let you. I wouldn’t have let me.” I chewed on my lip. “But for all the ways I tried to protect that marriage, I couldn’t save it, not when the person who threw it away was Gary. Now there’s nothing left for anyone to destroy. Gary saw to that.” I slid open the door. “Goodbye, Tyler. It was nice sailing with you.”
I looked at him, at the way his head hung low with his hands supporting it. For a moment I waited for him to say something, anything, but silence flourished between us, and I felt the castle I’d worked so hard to build inside me slow
ly disappearing as the tide washed over it.
* * *
From inside my hotel room, I watched the sun cross the sky and start to set. From where I sat on the floor, I could see the towering buildings and sunlight glittering off the mirrored windows. For hours I sat on the floor, absorbing the things around me. Then the phone rang, jarring me from the peaceful silence.
“Kelly?” Gary’s voice greeted me. “I thought I’d call and check on you. I called last night, but you didn’t answer the phone.” Although the words sounded accusatory, his tone faltered slightly.
“No, I didn’t, but I’m fine. I just had it unplugged. That’s all.”
An unhealthy pause flourished between us until I just couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you calling, Gary? I don’t want to talk about this.”
Gary sighed exasperatedly. “Kelly, I thought about you the whole flight home. I can’t just leave you like this. You shouldn’t be alone.”
I pulled myself from the floor. “No, actually, I shouldn’t be dying. I mean, what exactly were the odds of getting this disease, anyway—me , not somebody else? Slim to none? A snowball’s chance in hell?” I looked out the window at the dying brightness. “No, the odds were actually much better for you to have an affair. How’s Debra?”
“Kelly, I’m sorry,” he said gently. “Let’s not talk about that. Please. I never meant it to happen. It just did. I’ll make it up to you. I swear.”
I laughed hollowly. “And everyone else means for it to happen?”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“I’m not.” I brushed the hair away from my face and glanced at the room service menu, remembering Tyler’s comment about it. “Maybe you do still love me. Maybe you don’t. But right now I think you’re feeling guilty because of the headaches, and I don’t have time for guilt. Yours or mine. I’m not angry anymore. I asked you to leave because there are things I still want to do. Alone.”
“Kelly, there’s going to come a time—”
“I know.” I rolled my shoulders. “And maybe then I’ll call you. Until then, let me go. Let me live.” I didn’t wait for his response but instead I set the phone back into its cradle. I stood and stretched, trying to work the cramps from my muscles.
Glancing at the corner of the room, I spotted my painting supplies and the unfinished ocean I’d stroked onto the canvas. A moment later, I picked up the room service menu and quickly decided on a dinner selection of chicken breast and rice. After making the call, I quickly set up the easel and started painting, adding the fine lines of a sailboat on top of the majestic blue water. For just a moment, I closed my eyes and remembered the sail, each vibrant shade of it. Then I started painting again, luring the image from my mind onto the canvas.
A knock at the door broke my concentration. I yelled, “Just a minute,” and cleaned the brush before grabbing some money out of my wallet and walking to the door.
As I opened it, I found Tyler on the other side. He wore jeans and a denim shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. “Hi,” he said, slipping his keys into his pocket. Surprised, I stood, holding the door.
He pointed to the room and said, “Can I come in?”
Swinging the door wider, I gestured him inside. “Sure.” My heart rate doubled as he slipped past me. “How did you know how to find me?”
He shrugged. “I think I called every hotel before I got to this one.” Once inside, he surveyed my room and stopped in front of the easel. “Painting again?”
I nodded and closed the door. “Yeah. It’s kind of like breathing for me.” I walked to where he stood and glanced at my own work, trying to see it through his eyes, wondering if I had actually captured the magic of the ocean which had drawn us both to her.
He leaned closer. “That’s incredible, Kelly.”
“Thank you. So what brings you to this neck of the woods? No boats.”
He paced toward the window in silence, then turned and leveled his ocean-blue eyes at me. “You. I came to see you.” He sat in one of the chairs by the table, but even sitting, his back appeared rigid despite the softness of the cushioned chair.
I set the money on the nightstand , went to the easel, and started to put away my supplies, and with each movement, I could feel him staring at me. I could see him leaning forward slightly now as he watched. “And I thought you said we shouldn’t see each other anymore. You know, the speech about dents and all?”
“Dents,” he repeated slowly. He lowered his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
Another knock came, and a voice said, “Room Service.”
Picking up the money, I went to the door and opened it. A man rolled the tray in and said, “13.50, please.”
I handed him a ten, a five and a one. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” He walked out and closed the door behind him, leaving the two of us alone again.
“Would you like some wonderful room service food?” I asked, lifting the lid from the dish.
“No thanks.”
I set the lid on the table and nodded. “Coward.” I picked up the tray and set it on the table beside the window before sitting.
Tyler crossed his legs. “And what exactly am I afraid of, if you don’t mind me asking?
I glanced at the chicken, and the thick scent of thyme abruptly nauseated me. “Food poisoning.” I clenched my teeth and abruptly decided to pass. That wilted parsley says it all, I thought, placing the lid over the plate again.
“You don’t look so brave yourself,” Tyler said, tapping his fingers against the armrest.
I carried the tray back to the cart. “I think I’m feeling fast- foodish.” I picked up my purse, my jacket, and the rental car keys on the way to the door. “As I grabbed the knob and twisted, I looked expectantly at Tyler. “Are you just going to sit there, or are we eating?”
“Since you put it that way, it’s an offer I guess I can’t refuse.” He rose and walked toward me, stopping just to my left. He grabbed the door and gestured for me to go first. Before he closed it, he pointed at the cart. “Hadn’t you better do something with that?”
I darted back into the room. “Good point. I’ve had about all of the chicken I can smell.” Grabbing hold of the cart, I wheeled it into the hall.
I jangled my keys, and Tyler looked down at my hands, frowning. “Why don’t I drive? I know my way around this place and can get you to McDonald’s much quicker.”
“That’s a deal.” We stopped in front of the elevator, and I pushed the down arrow. Moments later, the doors slid open, and together we stepped inside. On the way to the lobby, Tyler and I had the elevator all to ourselves, and I stood on one side while he picked the other. I couldn’t help but think of a boxing ring and our opposition as a sense of tension flourished in the silence.
“So what are you doing here?” I asked, watching the numbers light up in red as we passed floors, not stopping.
“I’m chauffeuring you to a haven of burgers and fries, Kelly.” Tyler ran his fingers through his hair. Although he was staring at the floor, he felt my gaze focusing on him and looked up. A light crimson splashed his cheeks, and he finally shrugged. “I have no idea,” he finally said, folding his arms across his chest.
“Really?” I arched my eyebrows. “Now that’s interesting.”
“You’re not making it very damned easy to lie,” he said, leaning against the wall.
I crossed the small space between us, and as I stepped beside him, I softly nudged his shoulder. “Gee, why don’t you try the truth? That’s usually pretty interesting. Don’t you think?”
“You don’t ask for much, do you?”
“What’s the point of asking for something if you don’t think somebody will give it to you?” I countered, smiling pleasantly. “You were about to tell me what you’re doing here.”
“Yeah,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Have you ever been in the middle of a fascinating book and put it down? And then somehow, some way, you never get back to it. You always wonder what happe
ned to the people in the story. What happened to the world they lived in? What happened to the part of you that was living on through the characters?” He closed his eyes and tilted his head against the back of the elevator. “Great, I’m babbling.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re not. I know what that feels like.”
He opened his eyes and turned to me, squaring his shoulders even with mine. “Even so, I don’t think I should be here. It’s one thing to think about some book. It’s another to feel that way about a person, to wonder where you fit into her life. To wonder if she needs something from you to make her complete. To feel that you’ll never be complete without her.”
He averted his eyes and took a deep breath. “And I never thought I’d be saying this to somebody who is married. I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Hell, I’m not being rational. That’s the problem.”
The elevator door slid open, and on the outside I saw two couples waiting for us to step outside. I grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the door. As I looked at him, I saw my own face swimming in the water of his eyes. My mouth looked calm in its thin smile, and the flush of my cheeks gave me a healthy glow I hadn’t seen in a while. I was alive in him.
I shook my head. “Don’t try so hard to think, Tyler. Sometimes all you’ve got left are feelings, and that has to be enough.”
He jangled his keys nervously. “I just--”
“Don’t.” I shook my head and started walking, knowing he would follow. “You wanted me to trust you on that boat. Part of me said yes. Part of me was frightened. But I couldn’t trust you halfway; I had to give it everything. Now I’m asking you to trust me. ” I looked up at him and found his gaze lingering just ahead of us without focusing on anything at all. Troubled lines creased his forehead, and for once, he appeared unsure, as though he had suddenly lost the ability to navigate through rough water.
Tyler clenched his jaw. “Are you sure you want to be with me right now, Kelly? Whatever is going on, this is lousy timing. I know that much.” His back was rigid, and it seemed like he was holding his breath, waiting for my answer.
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