by Keeland, Vi
“What?”
He closed his eyes. “She would’ve been seven.”
Would’ve been. I clutched my chest. “Oh my God, Grant. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
He opened his eyes and nodded.
My daughter. Two simple words that explained a whole lot. The name of the boat, obviously the reason he didn’t want to have kids… It was like the missing puzzle piece of Grant Lexington swirled around in the air and clicked into place.
“Was she…sick?”
Grant kept staring out at the turbulent sky. He shook his head.
My eyes widened. “What happened? An accident of some sort?”
A tear rolled down his cheek as he gave the slightest nod.
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged as tight as I could. “I’m so, so sorry. So very sorry.” Grant’s pain was palpable, and my own tears started to flow.
I have no idea how long we stayed like that, clinging to each other, but it felt like hours. So many questions swirled around in my head. What kind of accident was she in? Why didn’t you tell me until now? Is that why you spent the last seven years keeping women at a distance? Have you been to therapy? Did she look like you? But obviously the subject wasn’t an easy one for him to talk about. So I needed to let him decide what he was ready to share.
At one point, someone yelled hello to Grant from the dock, and he raised a hand to wave. I took the opportunity to sit up and look at him.
“Do you…want to talk about it? I’d love to hear all about her.”
Grant looked me in the eyes. “Not today.”
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. “I understand. And I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
The first raindrops started to fall a few minutes later, so we went inside. Grant looked exhausted, so I led him back downstairs to the bedroom, and we got back into bed. He wrapped me in his arms, spooning me from behind and gripping me so tightly it bordered on painful. But it didn’t matter. If holding me gave him even one ounce of comfort, I’d let him crush me. At some point, I felt his grip loosen, and the sound of his breathing slowed. He’d fallen back asleep. Though I couldn’t. There was way too much to go over in my mind.
Grant had a daughter.
Who would have been seven today.
Her name was Leilani, and she had a boat named after her.
And Grant lived on this boat—seeing his little girl’s name in big bold letters every single day when he came home.
My aunt used to say grief was a lot like swimming in the ocean. On the good days, we could float on top with our heads above water, feeling the sunshine on our faces. But on the bad days, the water grew violent, and it was difficult not to get sucked under and drown. The only thing we could do was learn to be stronger swimmers.
But I knew there was another way to keep afloat—find a life raft. I’d been young when I lost my mother so tragically, and my aunt had become just that for me. I didn’t know if Grant had a life raft, but I felt like maybe, just maybe, everything happens for a reason, and I was here to pay it forward and be that for him.
Chapter 28
* * *
Grant - 7 years ago
All good things must come to an end.
Whoever coined that phrase must’ve been a goddamned genius. I was an idiot for thinking the normalcy that lasted while Lily was pregnant would continue. It had hung on a little while after she gave birth, and two months ago, we’d left the hospital practically floating. In the weeks that followed, though, things started to break down a little bit each day. Lily had trouble sleeping and was irritable. But we had a newborn, and after I went back to work, she did most of the getting up at night. So who wouldn’t be tired and cranky?
At six weeks, we went to her postpartum checkup. When the doctor asked about mood swings and depression, I mentioned the changes in Lily, since she’d answered that everything was great. But Dr. Larson only patted my hand and told me an adjustment period was normal. Lily’s hormones were going back to normal, she had the stress of new motherhood, and Leilani seemed to have her days and nights mixed up. I left feeling hopeful that I’d been overly concerned.
Things started to go downhill pretty steeply the next few weeks. Lily became almost paranoid that something bad was going to happen to the baby. She didn’t even want the nurse to hold Leilani at her two-month checkup, claiming she wasn’t supporting her head enough. Everyone seemed to chalk the behavior up to motherly instincts—a hyper-protectiveness that stemmed from her trying to be the best mother she could. Again…it made sense.
But in the last week, everything had begun to unravel. Lily couldn’t sleep—like, at all. She was physically exhausted, yet barely allowed me to touch the baby. She claimed Leilani liked things a certain way, and I wasn’t doing it right. But I had the feeling she didn’t trust me around my own child. Her paranoia seemed to spread wider and deeper each day, and we argued about it. In fact, lately it seemed like all we did was argue.
Saturday night, I was intent on making things between us better. I made Lily’s favorite dinner, it was a beautiful night, and she sat on the back deck with the baby cradled in her arms, looking peaceful for a change.
“Do you want to eat outside?” I asked, poking my head out from the cabin. “Or should I set up dinner in here?”
“I’m not hungry.”
I frowned. “You didn’t eat anything today.”
“I can’t help it if I’m not hungry.”
“You need to eat, Lily.”
“Fine. I’ll have a little.”
“Inside or outside?”
She shrugged. “Wherever.”
I sighed and went inside to plate the food. Since we had Leilani’s bouncy chair and a dozen other contraptions inside the cabin, I figured it would be easier to eat there. I set everything up at the table and lifted the baby’s favorite vibrating chair onto the bench seat between where we’d sit.
“Come inside. Dinner’s on the table.”
Lily took her seat with Leilani still cradled in her arms. I reached to take her, and she abruptly twisted her body so I couldn’t touch the baby.
“What the hell, Lily? I was just going to put her in her seat so we can eat.”
“I can eat while I hold her.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t capable. But there’s no reason you can’t take a few minutes to have a meal in peace. We’ll put her right here between us.”
“That chair is too bouncy. It’s not safe. What if we hit a wave and it flips over?”
My forehead wrinkled. “A wave? We’re docked, Lily. In the inlet. And it’s flat as a lake outside today.”
“You don’t care about us.”
“You know that’s not true. I just want to be able to eat a meal with my wife for a few minutes. Is that asking too much?”
Lily looked down at the baby and ignored me.
I sighed. “How about if I hold the baby while you eat. I’ll eat when you’re done.”
“No. I got her. Go ahead and eat.”
I felt the last few weeks coming to a boil. I lost my patience. “Give me the baby, Lily.”
“No.”
“This is ridiculous. You’re not the only one capable of taking care of her. She’s both of ours, you know.”
Again my wife ignored me. I threw the napkin on the table and stormed out toward the deck. “Enjoy your meal with our daughter.”
Later that night, I felt bad for walking out and yelling at Lily. The baby was sleeping in the bassinet in our bedroom, and Lily was in the shower with the door open and the monitor on the sink, which was only five feet away. When she emerged from the steamy bathroom, I was sitting on the bed waiting to apologize. But two things snagged my attention first—the deep dark circles under Lily’s eyes, and how thin she looked wearing just a spaghetti-strap nightgown. She had lost a hell of a lot more than baby weight.
Shit.
I took Lily’s hand as she went to pass by. “Come here.”
She glanced ov
er at the bassinet and hesitated. The baby was sound asleep, so I gave her a little tug and guided her onto my lap. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.”
She shook her head and looked down. “It’s fine.”
“No. It’s not. I just…I miss you, Lily, even though you’re right here.”
“I’m taking care of the baby. What do you expect?”
I sighed. “I know. And I want to help more. But you won’t let me.”
“I don’t need the help.”
“It’s not about you needing help. I believe you could do this all on your own if you had to. But you don’t have to. I’m right here. And I want to help. I miss holding Leilani and spending time with her. And I miss you, too. You haven’t kissed me in months. Every time I try to give you even a peck on the lips, you give me your cheek or your forehead.”
Lily’s eyes started to fill, and she looked down, twisting her hands. I cupped her chin and gently guided her so our gazes met. “I miss you, babe. You’re right here. But you’re a million miles away at the same time. I wish you’d talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
I’d been doing so well—it seemed like I might’ve been getting through to her. Until…I questioned what was going on in her head. That was it. I saw the fire ignite in her eyes.
She jumped off my lap. “I’m not fucking crazy.”
“I didn’t mean to imply you were.”
“Get out!”
“Lily. I—”
She pointed to the door and screamed louder. “Get out!”
I stood and put up my hands, showing her my palms. “Lily. Stop. I didn’t mean—”
Leilani let out a wail. Our yelling had startled her awake. Lily marched across the room to the bassinet and scooped our daughter into her arms. She immediately stopped crying. Yet Lily said, “Now look at what you’ve done.”
“She’s fine, Lily. Look. She’s falling back asleep already.”
“Leave, Grant! Just get out!”
I looked my wife in the eyes, the girl I’d known since we were fourteen, and what I saw scared the shit out of me. No matter how deeply I searched, I couldn’t find any sign of sense. She looked almost deranged. “I’m not going anywhere without Leilani.”
Lily’s eyes widened. “You’re not taking her anywhere.”
I raked a hand through my hair. It was pointless to try to talk to Lily when she was in this frame of mind. But the look in her eyes made my blood run cold. I wasn’t leaving my daughter alone with her in this condition. Blowing out a ragged breath, I shook my head. “I’m going next door to sleep in the guest berth. I’ll talk to you in the morning when you calm down.”
***
I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned half the night, hating what things had turned into between Lily and me. But even more than that, I was worried about my wife. Being a foster care kid, she’d bounced around a lot, so she didn’t have too many friends. And since she’d aged out of the system and my mom was gone now, no one was keeping an eye on her—no one except me. So it was up to me to push when I thought she needed help. The problem was, when anyone pushed Lily, she pulled away. Lately, it felt like my choices were to be her caretaker or her husband. Being both wasn’t really possible.
But things had deteriorated to a point where she was at risk and needed help more than she needed a husband. And taking care of her and the baby was more important than her being pissed off at me.
Feeling the need to check on her, I climbed out of bed and went to our bedroom. The door was closed, and I tried to creak it open quietly so I wouldn’t wake either of them. I just wanted to see that she was sleeping soundly. The lower level of the boat was a lot like a basement when things were shut tight, so I couldn’t make out anything in the pitch dark, even once I’d managed to open the door wide enough to see inside. Everything was so still, and I couldn’t hear either of them snoring or breathing. So I walked in and went to the bed for a closer look.
There was a lump on the bed, though I couldn’t be sure if it was the blanket or Lily. Leaning down closer, I still couldn’t hear any signs of breathing. So I gently felt around, still expecting my hands to hit a warm body. But the only thing I found was a pile of cold covers.
I froze. A shiver ran down my spine while my heart leaped to my throat. Rushing to the wall, I held my breath while I felt around for the light switch. A horrible dread washed over me when I found the bassinet was empty, too.
“Lily!” I yelled.
Feeling desperate, I swung open the bathroom door and yanked at the closet doors, too. Of course, she wasn’t hiding in either. I bolted out of the bedroom and up the stairs, yelling with every step. “Lily!”
No answer.
The kitchen and living room were empty. I banged on the upstairs bathroom door. “Lily!”
No answer.
My heart was beating so fast. An overwhelming sickening feeling came over me, and for a second, I thought I might throw up all over the place. What the fuck?
I ran to the cabin door leading to the deck and whipped it open.
Thank God!
I shut my eyes and let out a huge exhale. Lily was standing on the back deck at the railing, but she didn’t turn around upon hearing the door open. It took me a few heartbeats to pull myself together enough to step outside. It was still dark, but I could see her arms in the cradling position they’d been in every time I’d looked at her for the last few weeks. They were safe at least.
I didn’t want to startle her, so I whispered, “Lily.”
When she didn’t respond or turn around, I took a few steps toward her. It was then that I heard her crying.
Shit.
I put my hands on her shoulders. “Don’t cry, Lily. I’m right here.”
She started to sob harder, so I guided her to turn around so I could hold her in my arms.
But when she did…
…I saw the blanket she had cradled in her arms was empty.
A shiver ran from the top of my head down my spine and into my toes. “Lily, where’s Leilani?”
She started to cry harder.
My voice rose. “Lily, where the hell is she?”
I ran around the back deck and then returned to Lily. Grabbing both her arms, I shook her. “Where the fuck is she, Lily! Where is she?!”
Lily turned to look out at the water. “She’s gone.”
Chapter 29
* * *
Ireland
Sometimes you chip and chip at a brick wall until you’re exhausted and still make no progress bringing it down. And other times, you pull out one brick and the entire thing starts to crumple. Leilani was the brick that had kept Grant’s wall standing. Everything seemed to have changed since sunrise this morning. It wasn’t anything you could tell from the outside, but it was in the way Grant showed me himself.
After he woke up, he’d driven me home and said he needed to run a few errands. But he’d asked me to pack an overnight bag and be ready when he came back in a few hours. To my surprise, he took me to his condo downtown. The building was a fancy high-rise overlooking the waterfront, with a doorman and security desk.
The uniformed guard nodded as we walked in. “Both your deliveries came and the crew just left, Mr. Lexington.”
“Thanks, Fred.”
I waited until we were in the elevator to quiz Grant. “You have a crew?”
Grant chuckled. He intertwined his fingers with mine. “You’ll see.” He slipped a card into a slot on the elevator panel and pushed a button: PH.
“Penthouse? Well, aren’t you fancy? You should have told me your lair was this nice. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a pain in the ass about coming here.”
Grant lifted a brow. “My lair?”
“I thought it sounded nicer than fuckpad.”
He pulled me to his side and kissed the top of my head. “I’m actually glad you refused to come here.”
“Oh yeah? So why are we here now?”
“You’ll see.”
> The elevator arrived on the fourteenth floor and opened directly into a huge foyer. A large, round marble table greeted us as we walked in. I looked around. The apartment was enormous. To the right was a sleek, modern stainless-steel kitchen, and straight ahead, a few steps down was a sunken living room with a full wall of floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the water. I walked straight to the glass to admire the view.
“Oh my God. This is gorgeous. I don’t know why I was picturing some dark and seedy place. Oh wait…maybe I do. It’s because of what you used this place for.”
Grant came up behind me and snaked his arms around my waist. “Used is the key word. Past tense.”
I turned in his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Are you saying you won’t be using this beautiful apartment for any sexual activities anymore? That’s sort of a shame.”
“Not at all. I plan to use it for lots of fucking. Starting with you bending over and pressing your hands against the glass in just a little while. But the place is now a lot more exclusive.”
“Exclusive, huh?” I teased. “Higher end one-night stands?”
Grant rubbed his thumb over my lip and stared at it. “Just you, beautiful.”
The tenderness in his voice made my heart flutter. Ever since our talk this morning, my emotions had been all over the place, and I started to feel myself getting a little choked up. Grant saw it in my face and smiled as he brushed his lips with mine.
“Come on. Let me show you around.”
We walked down a long hall. Grant opened each door as we passed and pointed from the doorway, but didn’t go inside.
“Office.”
“Guest bedroom.”
“Bathroom.”
But when we got to the last door on the left, he opened it and took my hand to lead me inside what was obviously the master bedroom. The room had the same big floor-to-ceiling windows, a beautiful fireplace to one side, and a king-size bed in the center. Like the rest of the apartment, it was pretty stark on decoration, but what was there was beautiful and high quality.