by Keeland, Vi
My first instinct was to ask if he was okay, but then I remembered how okay I hadn’t been the last couple of weeks and how much he’d cared. So I turned back around and faced the lake.
“What do you want?” I said.
He was quiet, but I felt him standing behind me.
“Do you…mind if I sit?”
I picked a blade of grass from in front of me and threw it. “Whatever.”
Grant sat down next to me. His dog started to dig a hole a few feet away, and we both stared. I refused to look at him, even though I felt the pull I always experienced when I was near him, since right from the start.
“How are you feeling?” he asked softly.
My lips pursed together. “Alone. Scared. Disappointed. Let down.”
I felt his eyes on my face, but still didn’t turn my head.
“Ireland,” he whispered. “Look at me. Please.”
I turned with my best icy glare, but one look in his eyes and I softened. God, I’m an idiot.
“I’m so sorry.” The pain in his voice was palpable. “I’m so fucking sorry for running away.”
My eyes filled with tears. But I still refused to shed any for him. So I blinked and looked down until I could force them back.
“There’s no excuse for what I did. But I’d like to tell you about Leilani, if that’s okay. It doesn’t justify the way I treated you, but it might help you understand why I did what I did.”
He had my attention now. I looked over at him with a sad smile and nodded.
Grant took a few minutes to collect his thoughts and then spoke softly. “Leilani May was born on August fourth. She was eight pounds, four ounces.” He smiled. “Eight four on eight four. She had big blue eyes that were so dark they were almost purple. Pops nicknamed her Indigo because of it. She had a mop of dark hair that looked like a wig.”
He paused, and I suddenly forgot all of my anger. Reaching over, I took his hand and squeezed. “She sounds beautiful.”
Grant cleared his throat and nodded. “The only time she really cried was when she needed to be changed. And she loved to be swaddled so tightly she couldn’t move her arms.” He paused. “And she loved it when I would sniff her feet and tell her she smelled. They say most babies aren’t really smiling until they’re a few months old, that it’s just a reflex. But Leilani, she smiled at me.”
Grant got quiet again. This time it was him who looked away. He stared out to the lake and setting sun. I watched his face go from warm to somber, so I knew I needed to brace for the next part of his story.
His voice was barely a whisper when he started talking again. “I’ve told you that Lily was a foster care placement with my family. Over the years, she bounced around back and forth from her mother’s house to ours. Her mom suffered from mental illness, and the state would intervene and remove her at least once a year when her mom went off her meds. Lily was always different. But I didn’t recognize it for what it was until we were older. And by then, it was too late. I was all-in with her.”
A pang of jealousy chimed inside of me, even though it was ridiculous.
Grant hung his head. “Doctors say she’s bipolar like her mom. And that, mixed with postpartum depression, made her…” He shook his head, and his voice cracked. “She…”
Oh my God. No!
Grant had said there was an accident, but no…not this. Please God, no. Don’t make him have endured something so inconceivable. I crawled from my spot to kneel between his knees and cupped his cheeks in my hands. His eyes were closed, but tears streamed down his face.
He swallowed, and the look of pain he wore sliced right through me. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife into my chest.
Grant shook his head. “We were arguing. I fell asleep. I should’ve known better. When I woke up, Lily was sitting on the deck crying, and Leilani was gone. She…threw…” He started to sob.
I pulled him into my arms. “Shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t need to say any more. I’m so sorry, Grant. I’m so, so sorry.”
We stayed that way for a long time, both of us crying and holding each other as if our lives depended on it. In the moment, I thought maybe his did. Maybe he needed to get this out in order for his life to move forward.
Eventually, he pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry I walked out on you. You didn’t deserve that. And I’ll never do it again. I promise.”
I was such an emotional wreck, I was afraid to believe he was telling me any more than he’d said—afraid to get my hopes up that his apology was a promise of a future and not just an explanation of the past.
He looked into my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Ireland. I’ve felt buried these last seven years, buried in darkness in the ground—until I met you. You made me feel like maybe I hadn’t been buried after all, but planted in the ground, waiting to grow again.”
I gulped in a breath of air to stop the last of my crying. “Please don’t apologize anymore. I understand. I’m sorry this happened to us and stirred up all these difficult memories.”
Grant shook his head. “No. Don’t say that. Don’t be sorry you’re pregnant. I’m not.”
“You’re not?”
He shook his head again. “I’m scared shitless. I don’t feel like I deserve another child. I’m worried something will happen again. But I’m not sorry you’re having my baby.”
Hope bloomed inside of me. “Are you sure?”
Grant pulled my face to his until our noses were touching. “I love you, Ireland. I think I did from the very first time you gave me an attitude in that coffee shop. And I’ve tried to fight it every step of the way, but it’s physically impossible for me not to love you. Trust me, I tried as hard as I could. I’m done fighting it. I want to love you.”
All of my tears came flooding back. Only this time, some happy ones were mixed in. “I love you, too.”
Grant’s dog finished digging his hole and started to try to lick my face again. I sniffled and laughed. “Your dog is as pushy as you.”
“He’s not my dog.”
I pulled back. “What? But you have his leash and said he was?”
“Spuds is your dog, if you’ll have him.”
Spuds. Oh my God. He remembered what I’d said I wanted. “Two or three little ones close in age, maybe a golden retriever named Spuds—a real full house.”
We sat on the grass, kissing and saying I love you to each other over and over. Eventually, the sun was gone and the stars came out. I could barely see the lake anymore.
Grant stroked my hair. “I went to visit Leilani every day over the last week. Some days I’d sit leaning against her headstone from dusk until dawn. It wasn’t pretty. I definitely scared away a few people visiting nearby graves. But I hadn’t been there since her funeral. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. Instead, I stayed on that damn boat so every day I was reminded of the worst day of my life. It was impossible to move on living where it happened. I was keeping the memory of my daughter alive, but none of the good ones I should’ve been focusing on.”
He paused and took a deep breath. “One morning I ended up at the prison psychiatric hospital where Lily lives, and I talked to her doctor. I’ve been so lost for so long, and I guess I thought I needed something from them to move on. But it turned out I don’t. I need something from you.”
I looked into Grant’s eyes. “Anything. What can I do?”
He smiled, a crooked, adorable, half smile that told me he’d expected my response. “Give me another chance.”
***
A beam of sun streaking through a window directly onto my face woke me on the floor. Naked and confused, I squinted and shielded my eyes while reaching down for the blanket at my waist. Memories of the night before came flooding back, and a goofy smile spread across my face. Grant and I had spent half the night talking and half the night making up for the last two weeks of not being able to touch each other.
For as long as I lived, I’d never forget the look in his eyes when he told me
he loved me as he pushed inside of me. The words making love had been just that—words—before last night. But we’d connected in such a way that it truly felt like we became one. Which made me wonder…why wasn’t my other half lying next to me anymore?
I wrapped the blanket around my body and went in search of Grant.
I found him and Spuds on the front porch.
He turned as I creaked the door open. “Morning.”
I smiled. “Good morning. What time is it?”
“About ten.”
“Yikes. You must’ve been up for hours already.”
“Nope. Slept until nine.” He lifted a Styrofoam cup from next to him, one that matched the one in his hands. “Went to the store up the road and got us coffees. Yours is decaf. Though it might be a little cold by now.”
“Oh. Thanks. I’ll drink it cold. I don’t care.” I sat down next to him on the top step of my porch, and he leaned over and kissed my forehead while I peeled back the top of the container. “Does that mean you missed the sunrise?” I asked.
“I did. Slept right through it.” He smiled.
“You’ll have to catch the sunset then.”
Grant shook his head. “As much as I like you in that blanket, drink a little of your coffee and go put some clothes on. I want to show you something.”
I swallowed a few mouthfuls and went in search of my clothes. I found them scattered from the kitchen to the living room and smiled as I went to the bathroom to change. Spuds followed and waited outside the bathroom door.
“Where are we going?”
“Just for a walk.”
“Alright. But it better not be too far, or you might have to carry me. I have no energy after last night.”
Grant looked over and grinned. “I plan to keep you that way: thoroughly fucked and smiling.”
We walked hand in hand down to the open lot at the lake where we’d sat last night. When we got to the edge of the water, Grant looked around. “This would be a nice spot for a house.”
“It would be. I actually looked at this plot before buying mine. But it’s ridiculously expensive.”
He nodded. “I know. I just bought it.”
I blinked a few times. “You what?”
“I called an hour ago and made an offer. They called back five minutes before you woke up and accepted.”
“I don’t understand…”
Grant took both my hands. “You wanted this property. I want to give it to you, if you’ll let me. I’d like to build a house on it. One with a big fenced yard and a bunch of bedrooms we can spend the next few years filling.”
“Are you serious?”
“I am.” Grant’s smile fell. “I’ve been living on that boat for seven years. Every day it ripped my heart out to step onto the back deck and remember… I need to move. Leilani will always be a part of my life, but there’s room in my heart for more than one.”
“Oh my God, Grant.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “But what about my house?”
“Sell it. Or rent it. Or maybe just keep it, and we can use it to sneak away when the kids are driving us nuts someday. You are kind of loud, and I don’t want that to have to change.”
I laughed. “Keep a whole house just so we don’t need to have sex quietly? You’re insane.”
“We’ll figure it out. We have plenty of time. It’ll take us a while to build something anyway.”
“Oh my God. I just envisioned your house being done before my house.”
Grant leaned in and brushed his lips with mine. “That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because there is no my house. There’s only our house.”
I smiled. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.” He pulled back and bent to kiss my belly. “And I love you, too.”
After we kissed, I had to come back to reality. “I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Would you want to come hang out at my apartment for the day while I get it done? We can get takeout, maybe?”
“Can you bring your work to my condo?”
I shrugged. “I guess. I just need my laptop and some files. Did you want to watch the sunset from there or something?”
Grant looked into my eyes. “Nope. Just figured I’d make my girl and our baby a good meal. Then rather than watching the sunset, I’m planning on watching the face you make while I lick your entire body.”
I liked the sound of that. But… “You missed the sunrise this morning. I thought you watched either a sunset or a sunrise every day as a reminder that good things in life can be simple?”
Grant cupped my cheeks. “That was the past. I realize now that not all the good things in life are simple. Some of the best things are complicated, but beautiful and worth all the risk. I don’t need to watch every sunrise or sunset for a reminder that good exists anymore. I have you.”
Chapter 36
* * *
Grant
Ireland took my hand. The doctor had just done an exam and said everything seemed fine. But since it was our two-month checkup, he wanted to do a sonogram to see if he could hear the baby’s heartbeat.
I watched as Dr. Warren squeezed a dollop of gel onto Ireland’s flat stomach and started to move a wand around. Shadows flashed on the screen across from me, and all three of us stared at the monitor. The doctor zoned in, pushing down a little more firmly on the wand, and suddenly a sound began to echo throughout the room.
A heartbeat.
My baby has a heartbeat.
Ireland had been reading to me from her What to Expect While You’re Expecting book, which said the early months of pregnancy produced a surge of hormones that made many women more emotional than usual. But the damn book failed to mention that the father-to-be would get all choked up.
My eyes welled, and it was impossible to hold back the tears, no matter how hard I tried. Ireland squeezed my hand and smiled.
Fuck it. Who cares if I’m a total pussy? I didn’t want to fight it anymore. I let the tears flow as I leaned down and kissed my girl’s forehead. Seven years ago, my own heartbeat stopped, and today mine found its purpose again. I wanted to take Ireland in my arms and dance with her to the rhythm of our baby’s magical beat.
The doctor pressed a button and a few inches of the heartbeat printed out from the machine. “Heartbeat sounds good. Strong. I’m just going to do a few quick measurements and I’ll have you out of here.” He turned a knob on the machine, and the heartbeat disappeared. I felt a stab of panic.
“Could you…leave it on until you finish the exam?” I asked.
Dr. Warren smiled. “Sure thing.”
He clicked around and printed out a few more sheets over the next five minutes. When he finished, he gave Ireland a paper towel to wipe off her stomach. Nodding, he said, “Measurements look really good. We can see you back here in a month, and hopefully you’ll continue to have a morning-sickness-free pregnancy.” He extended one of the little slips of paper with the baby’s heartbeat he’d printed from the sonogram machine. “Thought you might like to keep this, Dad.”
“I would. Thanks. Sorry about getting emotional.”
He waved me off. “No need to apologize. This is a big time in your life with a lot of change. Give in and go with the moment. Enjoy the happy times, even if they come with a few tears.”
“I will. Thanks, Doc.”
Dr. Warren closed the door behind him, and Ireland started to get dressed. I’d been doing a lot of thinking lately and decided the doc’s advice was spot on. I needed to go with the moment, and this moment had never felt so right. The fact that I had the box in my pocket made it seem like destiny, if you asked me.
Ireland buttoned her pants and wadded up the paper gown she’d been wearing. She turned to toss it in the garbage, and when she turned back around, I was…
…down on one knee.
Her eyes grew wide and her hands flew up to cover her mouth. “What are you doing?”
I dug into my pocket and pulled out a dingy, ol
d white box. “I’d planned to give this to you in a few weeks, not today. But you heard what the doctor said—’give in and go with the moment’.”
“Grant…oh my God.”
I took her hand and held up the box. “This was my grandmother’s ring. I was going to get the stone reset for you and put it in a nice, new box. But…” I shook my head. “But I didn’t want to wait. The moment feels right.” I opened the old box and showed Ireland the contents. It wasn’t the biggest ring or the shiniest, but it was filled with so much history and hope. “Last week, after we went to tell Pops about the baby, my grandmother called the next day and asked me to come by alone. The two of them sat me down and told me they wanted me to give this to you when the time was right. It was my great grandmother’s, then my grandmother’s, and then my mother’s.”
“It’s beautiful, Grant.”
“The funny thing is, I never knew my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother had all shared the same ring. My mom had passed away before I married Lily, and they hadn’t given me the ring then. I was curious why now, so I asked. You know what the response was?”
“What?”
I held up the tiny paper the doc had given me. “Pops said you had given me a heartbeat again. And he knew you were my forever.”
Ireland started to cry. “That’s beautiful.”
I took the ring out of the box. “Ireland Saint James, I know we’ve known each other for less than a year, but I never thought I’d find someone to love the way I love you. I didn’t just fall in love with you, I fell in love with life with you by my side. So will you marry me? We can get a different ring, or set a date a year from now if you’re not ready. None of it’s important. All I want to know is that you’ll spend the rest of your life with me.”