I feel weighted to the bed. The best way to describe it is to say it’s as if I’m wearing one of those lead aprons that radiologists place on you before you get an X-ray.
“Well, it could be positive, Kate. You didn’t like working for Cindy, anyway.”
He means well, but that’s not what I wanted to hear. I hope and pray that I’m not fired, but if another permanent position for me to work in doesn’t materialize, I could easily be out of a job. Brown & Company is a small firm. They can’t keep me around without a real job to do.
“I like working for Al, though. I don’t want to be the laughingstock of the office.” I decide I need to see Jack in person. I need eye contact, and maybe a reassuring hug. I just need to know I haven’t messed everything up beyond repair. “Can you meet me at Mozart’s in fifteen minutes?”
“Sure, Kate. I’m still at the office, so I’ll leave straight from here.” It’s now almost 9:30 at night and he’s still at the office. He will be putting in long days all week, making sure that everything for the zoo goes off without a hitch. I don’t want to make things worse for him right now. But my heart is so heavy and my mind is tossing like the tumble dry cycle on a clothes dryer.
I just need him. Just for a few minutes.
“Okay. Thanks. I’ll see you there.”
I don’t even bother to change clothes. I head out the door in a pair of running shorts, flip-flops, and a faded green Welcome Week T-shirt from my freshman year of college. I live close to Mozart’s, so I get there before Jack. I’m glad for the few moments of solitude. I need clarity about what I should say and do.
I have two options right now, and neither of them is overwhelmingly appealing. I order a cup of coffee and take it to a table next to the edge of the deck and clear of the table where we sat the other night, although I can’t say exactly why. I try to block out the distractions of other patrons moving around and the clink-clink-clink of coffee cups resting back on saucers. I bow my head and pray silently; the steam from my mug of plain, black coffee tickles my nose.
I feel a sense of uneasy peace come over me as I consider the second of my two options.
I try to make sense of what is floating in my mind. I keep coming back to one verse. The fifth chapter of Galatians says a lot of things that could be applicable at this moment: “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” But one word keeps coming back to me. I need to be patient. I think I know the best way to accomplish that right now.
When I look up, Jack is right in front of me. He pulls out a chair and sits down.
“Kate, I’m really sorry.”
“I know. It was just supposed to be a special night out.”
“Well, regardless of Laura Lynn’s behavior today, it was a special night.” Jack seems a tad defensive. “It was special to me. I hope it was special to you, too.”
I realize that the way I expressed myself wasn’t entirely what I meant to say. Great. This is going to be even harder if I can’t get my tongue and my brain to work in harmony. “Oh, Jack, it was special. I’ll remember it—all of the last few weeks, actually—for the rest of my life.”
“But there’s something else, right?” He reaches across the table and wipes away the one tear that has slipped from under my eyelashes.
“There is.” I nod, almost unable to speak. “Jack, I have meant every word I’ve ever said to you. That’s how I feel. I still feel that way about you. But I need some time to think. I’m not positive, but I am wondering if maybe this isn’t the time for us.”
“So, you don’t want to see me anymore.” Instead of their usual sapphire, his eyes have the look of ice inside.
“No, it’s not that, exactly. All I know is that there are people at work who are going to try and cause trouble for me because of my relationship with you. If I’d been there longer and had some solid footing at the office, it wouldn’t matter, but right now, I need to establish my career. I can’t afford to lose this job. There’s not a place for me to go back to at the paper.”
I don’t feel any better after I say the words. Even with that uneasy peace I felt before, none of this seems right. I want to take back everything I’ve said, but I’m paralyzed. I don’t want to go forward on this path, but I know I’ve put it out there and I can’t go back, either.
“I understand all that, but I can’t lie. It hurts to know you’re choosing to give in to Laura Lynn and her bullying over me, Kate.”
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Another disconnect between my mouth and my mind. I never wanted Jack to feel this way. Instead, I wanted to let him know that I meant it Saturday night when I said I felt the same way he did. I want him to know this path is the most difficult option for me.
“Jack, I’m so sorry. All I can say is that you have to believe me—that is not the case.”
“I know, Kate. It’s been a hard couple of weeks for you.” His hand starts to reach out, as if he wants to hold my hand and provide each of us some much-needed comfort. Just as quickly, though, his hand flinches back like it’s touched the surface of a hot iron. “I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
My heart is crying rivers—more like oceans—of tears, but fortunately, none are slipping out of my eyes. This is not what I want, and that makes it a struggle for me. Right now, at this moment, I desperately desire to do my own thing—and that would be to run into Jack’s strong arms and ask him to tell me that no matter what it’s going to be okay—that my job and my future are going to be okay.
That our future together is going to be okay.
I sigh, a forceful breath that escapes from my nose before I ever realize I’ve been holding it in.
“I just need some time, Jack. I don’t know if this is permanent. I just have to take care of some things.”
Even I am not convinced by my own speech.
“Will you be at the zoo opening on Friday night?” I can’t tell if he wants me to be there, or he’s asking in order to give him enough time to steel himself for my presence there.
“No, I don’t think so. I’m off that team now, and all my action items are being handled. There’s no reason for any supplementary people from our office.”
“It won’t be the same without you. You thought of the whole theme.”
He’s right, and I’ll miss seeing how everything comes together.
“You’ll have to let me know how it goes,” I say, planning a conversation I know will never happen. I can feel it in my bones, in my soul. This is goodbye.
I hate goodbyes.
And I hate this one most of all.
Jack methodically begins to roll a paper napkin between his thumb and forefinger. “If this is what you want, Kate…”
It’s not what I want, per se, but I don’t know how to express it any other way than with words that have already been said. I look down at my feet and the deck below and simply nod. Jack scoots his bench backward and stands up. Three steps bring him to my side of the table and he puts his hand under my chin, lifting it up and forcing me to make uncomfortable eye contact.
“You’re wonderful, Kate. Never forget that someone lost his heart to you almost as soon as he met you.” He kisses my forehead lightly. His touch leaves me chilled, like a breath of winter has just brushed across Texas. “Goodbye.”
With that, he’s gone, walking across the deck back toward the parking lot. The farther away he gets, the harder my eyes have to work to see him in the dim light.
For a long minute, I sit on my bench on this deck next to the water. I’m surrounded by people, caffeinated conversations, and the lapping of small waves. I have never been more alone.
16
“Although it is difficult to quantify emotions, those who have worked closely with chimpanzees agree that they feel and express emotions such as sadness and happiness, fear and despair - and they know mental as well as physical pain.”
--Jane Goodall Institute’s “Chimpanzee Central”
&
nbsp; * * *
I’ve digested a small bottle of pink liquid to settle my stomach and maintained a near-constant death-grip on a roll of antacids since I got back home from Mozart’s. I only release the antacids when the shell of paper is empty. I assume this means I should go to sleep, pull the covers over my head, and forget this day ever existed.
When my alarm clock squawks at five o’clock in the morning on Tuesday to wake me for my downtown jog with Mark, I don’t know what I want to reach for more: the snooze button or another chalky tablet. My heartburn has not abated, and my heartache has spilled over and now also fills my head with piercing pain.
I think I’ll just go make a bright pink chalky breakfast smoothie with an ibuprofen slammer.
I arrive at Town Lake at 5:59 in the morning. The sky’s color looks like steel wool. It mirrors the feeling which still scrapes at the walls of my fragile heart. I have a sinking feeling about what Mark wants to discuss. And if he wants to talk through what I think he wants to talk through, I just hope I’m strong enough to say no and walk away.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel strong enough to even shake my head no at this point.
Mark and I always used to meet under the Congress Avenue bridge to begin our jogs. This time of morning, the legendary colony of bats which call it home are all back from their nightly feeding and are asleep. Mark, on the other hand, looks positively energized, jogging in place to warm up.
“Hey, Kate!” He sprints ahead to where I’m walking up the trail. “It’s good to see you. You ready to go?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I’m not ready, and I know it. The only thing I’m ready to do is to go home, chew another fruit-flavored tablet of chalk, pull the covers over my head, and snuggle with Dijon the Wonder Poodle again until I fall into forgetful sleep.
Mark and I jog about four blocks in silence. There are a few runners out on Town Lake at this time of the morning, but most of them are traveling solo and listening to MP3 players, so there are no other voices. The only sound made is the crunch, crunch of gravel under running shoes as these early morning fitness buffs pass us. Cars whiz by along Cesar Chavez Boulevard, driven by people preparing to start a long workday in one of Austin’s high-tech startups or governmental offices. Everyday noises wrap around us from all sides…but between Mark and me, there’s no sound.
Finally, Mark speaks. “I guess you’re wondering why I asked you to meet today, right, Kate?”
“Honestly, Mark, yes, I am.” I decide that I need to keep my answers as straightforward as possible. The less I say, the less likely I am to get emotional in front of Mark. I really don’t want to have to explain breaking up with Jack to the man who broke up with me at Thanksgiving.
“Well, Kate, ever since I saw you a couple of weeks ago downtown, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this.” He doesn’t ever slow his jogging pace. “I realize I made a mistake a while back, and it’s time for me to be bold enough to correct it.”
Oh no. He’s been thinking about me since the coffee shop. He does want to get back together. I have to be ready to respond. I have to remember that even though I’m alone, I’m not necessarily lonely. There’s a big difference. My life is better as a singleton than being Mark’s girlfriend—I don’t miss the emotional ups and downs he put me through.
And, I realize, with a clarity I haven’t possessed since before that fateful last coffee at Mozart’s, if Mark hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t have met Jack. Although I know I will never fall for someone again like I fell for Jack, I wouldn’t trade the experience of being with him—and the hope of finding love like that again in the future—for anything.
I have to stay strong.
“Kate? Are you listening?” Mark catches me red-handed. I’m not sure I’ve even heard his last few sentences.
“Sorry, Mark. You’ve caught me off-guard. Can you say it again?”
He stops in the middle of the path and faces me, leaving me no opportunity to tune him out again. “I shouldn’t have taken the job with the Speaker. I really want to move to the lobbyist side of things. You’re friends with Jack Cooper, and I was hoping you could help me get an interview at Lone Star Consulting. They’re the best in town, and it’s really hard to get an ‘in’ there.”
Are ants crawling across my face? Everything feels tingly. Numb.
“No. I really can’t. Jack Cooper and I aren’t friends. Not anymore.”
Wow. In spite of my earlier resolution to be as to-the-point as possible in talking with Mark, the sharpness of my response even surprises me. But it is the truth. I can’t deny the cold, hard, heartburn-inducing, antacid-popping fact. Jack Cooper and I no longer have a friendship or any other kind of relationship.
“But you were in the coffee shop together that day.” I’ve seen sadder looks on orphaned puppies at the Town Lake Animal Shelter across the street.
“We worked on a project together. I would help you if I could, Mark, but I’m no longer on that project and I don’t have any interaction with Jack or Lone Star Consulting anymore.”
Inhale, Kate…and exhale.
Mark’s random question knocked the wind out of my sails, but my breathing is finally coming back to normal.
“Well. Okay, then.” He scuffs his fancy air-inflated sneaker on the trail. “Hey, if you don’t mind, Kate, I’m going to keep on with my run. Your pace seems slower than mine, so I’ll probably lose you.”
He lost me long ago, I affirm silently as he takes off without even a goodbye.
A breeze blows across my face and ruffles my hair gently. The soft touch reminds me of Jack’s caresses. Remembering the man I came to love with the speed of a classic Porsche sports car as I watch the man I once thought I’d spend the rest of my life with now swiftly running away makes me realize one truth: Mark never really had me to begin with.
It’s still early—too early, according to Kate Time. I decide to head back home to take a hot shower instead of finishing my jog around Town Lake. I’m surprised to see Mimi sitting on the couch and watching TV when I walk through the apartment door. Like me, she’s not exactly an early bird.
“What’cha watching?” I ask as I kick off my running shoes in the entryway.
“Yesterday’s episode of that new food-themed talk show. I put it on the DVR since I had to go to practice.” She holds up the remote, turning the volume down a few notches. “You must have run like lightning today.”
I sit on the couch next to her. “I didn’t even make it halfway.”
“Ouch. It hasn’t been that long since you’ve been running, has it?”
“No.” I laugh for the first time in what seems like a very long time, then seriousness tugs down the corners of my mouth. “I met Mark.”
“Oh, no. You ran into him there?” Mimi reaches over and pats my shoulder. “But I thought you were all over him now.”
I can hear some hesitation in Mimi’s voice. This is her brother we’re discussing, after all. “Yeah, Mimi, I am. He asked to meet me at Town Lake. He said he made a mistake and needed to correct it, so he wanted to talk to me.”
Her eyes widen. “A mistake? What kind of mistake, Kate?”
“I didn’t know when he wrote me the e-mail. The only thing I could think of was he wanted to get back together or something. But I felt like I owed him the courtesy of meeting him, you know?”
Mimi nods. “So?”
“Well, it turns out it wasn’t that at all.”
I hear a sharp whoosh of breath as Mimi exhales, and I see her shoulders relax. She had drawn the same conclusion as me. “What was it?”
“He said he wants to change careers and he needs me to get him an interview with Lone Star Consulting.”
“Jack’s company?” The TV audience in the background applauds. Ironic timing.
“Yes. But I told him I wasn’t working with Jack anymore so I wouldn’t be able to help him.”
Mimi stands up. She walks over to the entertainment center and switches off both the TV and the DVR. I
feel my dormant headache roar back to life just above the bridge of my nose. She’s mad at me.
“Good.”
Good? The headache spasm relaxes almost as soon as it appears.
“I can’t believe he would ask you something like that. He hasn’t talked to you since he dumped you six months ago, and now he wants you to do him a favor? Kate, I’m ashamed he’s my brother.”
She walks across the living room and over to the tiny closet in the entryway where she and I both store our luggage. “Mimi, what are you doing?”
“I’m going home, Kate.” She opens the closet door and pulls out her big suitcase and makeup bag. “Mark’s wedding is next month, and I’m a part of it. I’m not going to stay here and allow him to indirectly hurt you even more than he already has. I’m going to have to be doing things that I have to be involved in for his wedding, and I’m not going to do them in your apartment, right under your nose.”
“It’s your apartment, too, Mimi. You’ve lived here for the whole time you’ve been at UT.”
Mimi can’t leave—she just can’t. I need a friend’s presence around. She’s taking action because she doesn’t want to cause me harm, but I need to talk her out of it.
“It’s summer, Kate. I can rearrange my practice schedule to accommodate the drive into town from Mom and Dad’s house. I’ll be out of your way by the time you’re home from work today.”
I can’t think of words to make her stay. All I can think about is not letting that first tear fall. If it drops, the waterfall will start flowing, and I have to be at work in an hour. I can’t afford to be late, not with the thin ice Laura Lynn has made me start skating on.
One, two, three, four teeth make an imprint in my lower lip as I curl the fleshy pad under and bite down hard. I nod my head affirmatively and pat Mimi’s shoulder as I walk past her to my bathroom.
Once I pull the shower curtain closed, I push my lip slowly out to its normal position and swallow hard. The wetness on my cheeks isn’t all from the shower, no matter what I try and tell myself.
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