by Cecilia Lane
Nolan bucked into her a handful more times as he rode through her release. He froze with a roar, then spilled warmth deep inside her. Only then did he ease up his pace, bringing them down slowly and planting kisses over her shoulders and the back of her neck.
Sexy, possessive man. She should be looking for something wrong in his actions, but she came up with nothing. She liked that he stole her away. She liked that he got rough and wild with her. He was her match.
Maybe even her mate.
Chapter 20
Becca climbed the stairs of Hogshead Joint with barely a hint of anxiety. She knew where to look for Jacob and found him once again seated in the far corner where he could watch everyone around him.
Her fox stayed quiet. Unusual whenever Jacob was concerned. The little beast didn’t like the memories he brought back to life. Becca didn’t either, but it was easier to control her reaction to them when her fox wasn’t chattering in her head.
She knew what she was stepping into. It’d be another night of drinks and talking about Jacob’s family. They’d been interrupted the only other time he’d guilted her into meeting with him.
She was still a little uncomfortable with his need to rehash everything that happened. She wanted to move on and forget those terrible days. But her time with Nolan had given her a little insight. Sometimes the past needed to be revisited to finally step out of it.
Jacob was held longer than her. He experienced more loss. She left him behind.
She owed it to him to let him get everything off his chest. If he wanted to rage, he could yell and scream. If he wanted to remember his pack, she’d offer up the bits of conversation she had with them.
Becca didn’t need to force herself to cross the deck and take a seat across from the wolf. “Missed you at the cookout yesterday.”
“It was a bad day.” He passed a hand down his face and looked at her with sad eyes. “I’m thinking of leaving. I already told Cole. I wanted you to know, too.”
She would have rejoiced to hear those words only a few weeks ago. Jacob wouldn’t be a living reminder of where her life went spectacularly wrong for the second time.
Instead, his words made her stomach clench with an urge to be sick. Nothing but misery waited for him if he left behind the connections he’d made in Bearden.
“Don’t.”
“I thought you’d want this.”
She wished Cole was there. The clan would probably be along at some point. She even had plans to get dinner with Nolan. The rest of them ate at Hogshead at least once a week.
Cole knew how to talk to Jacob. He could convince the wolf to stay. She wasn’t the right person for the job.
But dammit, she owed it to him to try. Cole could clean up whatever landmines she triggered. They just needed to keep Jacob safe and off the path of self-destruction.
“I can tell you from experience you’re not going to find what you’re looking for out there. Not the way you are now. Every bad opinion you have is going to be reinforced and even the bright moments are going to be covered in clouds. I wish I’d stayed when I was at my lowest. I wish I’d let myself lean on others for help.”
“It’s not just what happened in the camp.” A low whine escaped his lips. Jacob turned his face away and took a second to collect himself. The green of his eyes bled into the gold of his wolf when he looked her way again. “I told you before. Something is coming, Becca. I can feel it in my bones. It’s been too quiet. You should get out of here, too.”
“Nothing is coming,” she said without conviction. Her fox whined and sent her an image. One of the first in a long, long time that didn’t flash her into memories of her time with the hunters or dealt with Nolan.
The fox doused the sending in fear and passed the image of the fae crone along to Becca. Oh, she’d been politely shown to the edge of enclave territory and warned to never return. But the magic she’d done to Becca and Mara still was an uncomfortable reality.
“You feel it, too, don’t you?” Jacob reached across the table and squeezed her hands.
Did she? Could she even tell over all the other rumblings in her life? The fae crone stood at the top of her list, but the back and forth with Nolan ate at her senses, too. She was too turned around to know what was up or down or screaming WRONG with huge, neon letters.
She didn’t want to believe anything else was coming for her or Bearden. They were tired of attacks. She was tired of being on the defensive.
She wanted to believe she had a chance at happiness.
Out of nowhere, Nolan appeared at the side of their table. Becca didn’t know if her silent curse came from shock at how quickly he materialized or from the daggers he shot Jacob.
“Don’t touch her,” Nolan growled.
She rolled her eyes. Jacob could bat for the other team, for all she knew. He’d never once looked at her with desire. But speculating on what did or did not get him going wasn’t her place.
What did concern her were the red flags popping up all around Mr. Growly Bear. She knew Jacob could take a punch. He’d taken more than a few while the hunters held him captive, and at least one from Nolan.
Hello, guilt.
Her seat clattered to the ground. A sidestep put her between Nolan and Jacob. “Stop it,” she hissed.
Nolan flicked a glance at her. His eyes had gone pure, glowing green. His bear was close to ripping out of him. Growls from both men kicked up a notch.
“I mean it, Nolan. Jacob did nothing wrong. I owe him.”
That penetrated his thick skull. Shit.
“Owe him for what?”
“Can we talk about this later?”
“I think now is a perfect time. What do you owe him?”
Jacob’s growl cut off suddenly, and she jerked her eyes over her shoulder to find him staring at her with his head cocked. “You need to tell him.”
“So now you two are best buds united in telling me what to do? Fine.” Becca clenched her teeth so hard she thought they might crack. She pointed to Jacob. “No leaving town.” She rounded on Nolan. “Privacy first. Then we talk.”
Nolan drove them out to the lake and pulled as close to the shore as possible. No one else was out that night. It was too early for late night necking, Becca figured. They’d certainly done their fair share of it.
Even so, the night sky was eating up the last of the sunset and Nolan wasn’t spilling her across his lap. Her heart thudded in her chest as the silence stretched between them. She did not want to start the conversation that would show exactly what acts she was capable of committing.
“What do you owe that wolf?”
“His name is Jacob and you shouldn’t dehumanize him by calling him ‘that wolf.’“ He stared at her hard enough to make her fidget. “I wasn’t in a good place when I left.”
“I think that’s been established. Does he have something to do with why you came back?”
“Late November before I came back is when I met him.” She dug her nails into her thighs and willed herself to push out the words. It was like pulling teeth. Worse. She’d rather sit through dental surgery without anesthetic than talk about what happened.
“I was in Virginia for some work. Or rather, the end of some work. I didn’t have a plan, so I was slowly making my way through the rural parts on my way to Tennessee. Was going to see Graceland if I didn’t find a job or place to stay before then. It’s a beautiful part of the country. Mountains and views. Gorgeous, even with the leaves mostly off the trees by that time of the year.”
“You’re stalling.”
“Fuck yes, I’m stalling. I haven’t told this to anyone. Jacob is the only one that knows.” Stupid Jacob buying into Cole’s garbage about talking it out. He was supposed to be unfixable, not advocating for her to let someone in on the secret.
Nolan’s eyes picked up too might light. His voice deepened when he spoke. “I don’t like that. I don’t like him knowing parts of you I don’t.”
“Well, you’ll have to live with that,�
�� she said flippantly and crossed her arms over her chest. “I can’t download all my experiences straight into your brain. I can’t distill every fucking conversation I’ve had. I lived apart from you, Nolan. I met people and saw places, not all of it pretty. That’s how life works. You lived your life and I’m not faulting you or demanding you give me a briefing.”
He frowned like he wanted to object but he only said, “Continue.”
Dammit. No. She wanted to fight about being childish and rude and whether or not they were on a break. He knew her too well to fall for a distraction.
Becca stared out the window and tried not to feel trapped. Her fox slunk low in her head. There were no images then. Not even a faint impression. The little creature had gone into hiding.
Lucky.
“I stopped one afternoon. I don’t know, I wanted to stretch my legs and romp in the leaves. I thought I was safe. There was no one around. I shifted.”
“But someone saw.”
“Someone saw, someone followed me, and a group of someones captured me.”
Nolan’s breath caught in his throat but he kept his growl in check. He slung an arm over her shoulders and drew her close.
She wished the touch didn’t comfort her. The desire to bury her face against his chest and sink into him was too great. Too perfect. Soothing safety was found with him. If only he’d done the same move after she lost the baby—if only she’d let him—maybe she wouldn’t owe Jacob anything.
Nolan was her mate. She was tired of fighting it. She’d spent too many years doing so and suffered for it. A when she was finally forced to spit up all her secrets, he was the one ready to carry them.
The words weren’t any easier to say when she started again, but they formed better.
“When I woke, I was held in a cage opposite Jacob. His family was kept further down the row. It was a fighting ring. Illegal, of course. Hunter-run. The stuff our mothers warned us about when we wouldn’t go to bed on time. Only, my mother never prepared me for the reality of that place. The stench of fear tied together with fury. They go crazy after a while, you know. Lose what made them a person and turn into a vicious, beaten animal.
“They break you if you won’t do what they order. Any means necessary. I’m sure you heard how Delano murdered Jacob’s pack in front of him to force him to track our kind. I watched things that will haunt me for the rest of my days, Nolan. Things that wake me up in the middle of the night.”
His hand moved up and down her arm, squeezing and stroking in turn. Building a connection between them. Calming them both.
She’d need more than a few touches to stay calm, but it was a start and one she was grateful for. She could focus on the path of his palm over her arm instead of the horrors behind her eyelids.
“What did they do to you?” he asked carefully.
“Nothing, at that point. They knew what I was and a jab of a cattle prod shocked my fox to the surface for confirmation. It wouldn’t be right for their prize fighter to tear me to shreds. It wouldn’t be entertaining enough. If they wanted slaughter, they could send in someone else for Jacob to savage.
“They wanted to hunt me. They planned to turn me loose on the property and let the dogs and men track me down before putting a bullet in me. They billed it as a classy affair.” She tried to laugh, but it was a broken sound.
“Then came the night. The crowd was worked into a frenzy over the bouts in the ring. Jacob is a ferocious fighter and scary to watch. But I was the main event. They got high on their bloodlust and needed to burn it off with a run through the woods.”
A soft growl rumbled under her cheek. His other hand tightened on the steering wheel.
“You have to understand, I’m bigger than a regular fox but not big enough to fight off a grown man. We’re different from you bears and wolves and practically every other shifter. We have to be smarter. If I try going after someone in my animal form, they’ll just punt me out the door.”
Oh, he was starting to get the idea. She’d run as far as she could on her fox legs. Any fighting she did was in her human form. Any actions taken to survive weren’t animal instinct. They were purely human.
“I found an old shack. An old hunter’s lodge, I guess. There were a few rusty animal traps inside and thankfully, a knife. That’s when I heard the steps outside.”
The first death on her hands happened there. The man was closer than she thought when she vanished inside. And the look in his eyes when he pushed open the door with his gun. He hated her. Didn’t even consider her a person. She was just an animal that needed to be killed for sport and made to suffer while he did it.
Nolan’s thumb traced a steady circle on her shoulder. She wiped at her cheeks. Fuck. She’d started crying. She usually kept herself together better. Why was it Nolan always saw her at her worst?
Because that was what mates did. They were there for the good and the bad.
She pushed away the memories of red and the taste of the knife in her mouth. She was faster on four legs but needed to defend herself on two, so she shifted and held the blade between her teeth.
“I... I tried doubling back. Maybe I could get some help. Maybe I could start some massive uprising and save the others. I wasn’t in control of my head at that point. I got near enough to hear roars and bullets and ran the other way. Jacob told me some of the others tried to make it out when they saw me led in the opposite direction of the ring. They wanted a chance in the woods. They were put down.”
Sheer will alone kept her fox from abandoning her. They were caged animals, both of them, and only fighting would get them out. The creature was utterly terrified and the horrors in the night kept Becca going.
She wouldn’t die. Not by the hands of men who wanted to hunt her.
“I got as far from the barn as possible, but the dogs were still braying and the men were still after me. I made it to a road, still close to the property. Still with those bastards behind me. Naked, afraid, alone.”
She could see the headlights when she blinked. “Someone drove toward me and stopped before I could hide again. I don’t know if he was a hunter. All I know is I would have died. So I tried to take his truck. He wouldn’t get out. I forced him.”
It was quick. A snap of her hand drove the blade into his throat. He was easier to take down than the man in the shack.
“He must have been one of them. To be on that property, that night.”
“That’s what I tell myself when I can’t forget the feel of his blood on my hands. He pulled over for a fox. No one would do that. Right?”
“Stop that.” Nolan tucked a finger under her chin and raised her eyes to his. “You did what you needed to survive.”
“And I left Jacob behind.” Guilt weighed heavily in her stomach. She could throw herself into water and be dragged to the bottom. Jacob suffered more than necessary because of her.
“You had no way of knowing he was still alive. You thought he was dead, you said so yourself.”
She nodded once and dropped her eyes again. “It’s not something I want to be forced to do again. I don’t know if I’ll stay sane.”
Nolan stared straight ahead. “That’s what I’m for. I’ll tear anyone apart if they lay a hand on you.”
Becca wanted to believe him. The words were the right ones, and even his arm around her felt perfect. He was physically there with her. But something was off. Doubt rang through her mind.
He shifted in his seat. On anyone else, she’d call it an uncomfortable squirm. There were words on his tongue that he was fighting not to unleash.
He lost the battle.
“Did you think what happened might be relevant to the not one, but two attempts on your life? This is what I was afraid of. Maybe they’re still after you. Maybe they’re gunning for the entire town.”
She fingered the scar behind her ear. “They can’t know I’m here,” she murmured. “I took the tracker out.”
“We’ve had outsiders traipsing in and out of here after nearly
being rounded up for death. I think anything is likely.” He let out a breath and eased his arm off her shoulder.
There was the shutdown. She felt like a fool. She’d finally admitted to herself that a big, important connection existed between them. She could even picture herself speaking the words out loud and proudly wearing his mate mark on her skin. She had a future with him.
If he didn’t pull the exact same shit he had before. Cutting her out of the decisions. Knowing what was best without discussing it with her. Locking her out of his head. Pulling away when she needed him the most.
She pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her eyes.
The door of the truck opened and her fox whined their loss.
A blast of outside hit her when her door jerked open, too. She opened her eyes to find Nolan with a blanket in one arm. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s stretch out and look at the stars. I’ll even build a fire if you want and won’t get mad when you make up dick-shaped constellations.”
She blinked and couldn’t find any words. Nothing. Zip. Nada.
He ducked his head and gave her a dimpled smile. “Becks, you shared something huge with me. It’s a lot to take in and I won’t lie when I say I need to think it through. My bear wants to track down every last hunter in the entire fucking world so they will never hurt you again.” He pulled her hand over his heart. “But you own me. Caring for you is what I need to do before I settle any debts on your behalf.”
“You mean that, don’t you?” She gulped the huge lump in her throat. She was not going to cry again. Twice in one night was too much, even if it was reliving nightmares.
“Every word. Except maybe building the fire. You’re a strong woman who doesn’t need anyone. Build your own damn fire.”
He didn’t even complain when she smacked him on the arm.
Chapter 21