[The Incredible Hulk]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [A Vet]
Alas I cannot take a video or send any photos as my phone is dead and I’m concerned about leaving it on charge hanging out of my dog’s mouth... Maybe if I find a couple boxes to prop it up on first I can manage it.
I’m not entirely sure how the phone is on charge but I have theorised that prior to swallowing the cable my dog, Teacup, must have somehow swallowed my portable USB charger. I know it’s a long shot but it is possible that the USB cable has managed to randomly plug into this charger in his stomach.
What is the usual procedure for retrieving portable USB chargers from inside dogs?
[A Vet]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Having never come across this problem before, there is no ‘usual procedure’.
I can see the problem you have with trying to get a picture/video, so the only other solution is for you to take Teacup, the mobile phone cable and portable USB charger into your usual vets as soon as possible.
I’m sure he is not that busy that we won’t be able to squeeze you and Teacup in for a consultation.
I’m afraid that as it is now past 6:30pm we will be closing shortly.
Good Luck
[The Incredible Hulk]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [A Vet]
Thanks for the advice. Just thought I would let you know that I managed to get Teacup to stay still long enough for me to gently pull the cable out of his mouth. My battery charger was indeed attached to the end of the cable, which explains how it was still charging. I guess I owe Apple an apology... they specifically prohibit using third party charging devices.
Oddly I also managed to retrieve several other items which had become entangled around the cable and the charger on the way. It seems I really need to keep a better eye on what Teacup eats because he had also swallowed five hair bands, a plastic fork, a complete set of Action Man! trading cards and three Mr Men books. Most baffling of all however is the gold watch. Do you know whose watch this is?
All the other things are, naturally, stuff he picked up round and about my caravan but I would never waste so much money on a watch.
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My dog has a penchant for chewing on, and indeed eating, electrical goods.
[Dog Trainer the First]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi Trevor
Without a doubt you have a problem but without knowing a lot more about your dog and situation I couln’t possibly venture any suggestions. If you would care to ring me on [0118 999 881 999 119 725 3] to discuss the problem I would be pleased to hear from you
Kind Regards
[Sylvester Stallone]
Pet Dog Trainer
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Dog Trainer the First]
I have a problem or my dog has a problem? I’m sure I personally have many problems but I do not hold chewing on electrical cables amongst them.
My situation is as follows: I live in a caravan on Salisbury plain with my dogs. Personally I do not use electricity as I consider it to be a filthy thing and so everything in my caravan runs on butane gas... which is much safer as I am sure you know.
However it seems that somehow the council gave permission for Maplin to open their biggest store to date... right next to Stonehenge. As a result my dogs have regularly been running in and out of the shop scrounging for electrical goods. One time they came back with two third party Playstation controllers, a bag of 12v capacitors and a vibrating love egg. Maplin really have diversified these days.
As a result it seems they have a tendency to ingest a lot more electrical goods than is really seemly for a dog.
What should I do?
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[Dog Trainer the Second]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi Trevor,
When dogs chew they get a rise in a hormone similar to endorphin, the human pleasure hormone, which makes them feel good.
Dogs frequently chew to relieve stress, or because they have learnt that it gets human attention very quickly. It may be that you have reacted more strongly to him chewing the electrical items than other things (understandable because of the danger involved) or that the hard plastic these items are made provides a really good chew and he likes the texture - I’m sure that you’ll find organic evidence in your garden to reassure you he’s not an android!
Also, you didn’t say how old he was - I assume he’s not a teething puppy?
I’d love to talk to you further on this, perhaps you’d like to give me a call or suggest a good time for me to call you? Together we can work out what is triggering the behaviour and a resolution.
Kind regards
[Trisha von Doom]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Dog Trainer the Second]
Thanks, that was very logical and informative. As a scientist I probably should have drawn these conclusions myself. My dog is a 4 year old Basset Griffon named Sparkles the Basset Griffon.
In this instance I don’t think he is doing it for attention as my recent approach to his behaviour has simply been to unplug the item and let him go to town. The other day however he managed to swallow an entire iphone charging cable with the phone still attached. Strangely when I got to him to retrieve the phone before it could slide down his gullet I found it was still charging. Do you have any idea how an iphone could remain on charge when the cable is inside a dog?
I have contacted Apple repeatedly but they are not remotely helpful. In fact they didn’t even bother responding to my last email entitled ‘How do I safely deauthorise my dog from my iTunes account?’
[Dog Trainer the Second]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi Trevor,
I think this conversation would be easier via phone, please feel free to call me on either number below,
Kind regards,
[Trisha von Doom]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Dog Trainer the Second]
Indeed it would be vastly easier... however what with my dog having destroyed one hundred and eighteen phone chargers to date... my battery is dead.
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[Dog Trainer the Third]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
What is the dogs age and breed? How long have you had him and have you had dogs in the past? I doubt that he is an android, although ya never know.
[Mahatma Gandhi]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Dog Trainer the Third]
The dog is a Basset Griffon which I chose, in no small amount, because of the name. I mean it has ‘Griffon’ in it. Fantastic. His name is Sparkles.
I have had dogs in the past. My last one, Partario the Great Dane, was killed during a freak lightning storm and the dog before that, Jeff the Dog, somehow ended up climbing up a pylon and getting a nasty shock. He survived but I don’t think it did him any good... after that he had a nasty habit of electromagnetism and I would regularly find screws and bottle caps stuck to his feet.
All in all it seems my dogs have a bit of an unusual history with electricity so any means of discouraging Sparkles from the subject would be appreciated. I’m pretty sure he is not an android but I am concerned he may think he is... he does have a prosthetic leg after all.
[Dog Trainer the Third]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
come on now - who is this? you’ve obviously got a sense of humor and time on your hands!
Partario Haberdashery
to: [Dog Trainer the Third]
Hello there. I would like to apologise on behalf of my client, Trevor Mcinsley. I understand he has been sending very peculiar emails to you about android amputee dogs.
I have repeatedly asked him to refrain from doing this but he is quite insistent that sending strange emails to people and then publishing them on Amazon is an ‘untapped uranium mine’. When I explained that was a bit of an obscure phrase and he probably meant ‘gold mine’ he simply went off on a rant about how urani
um is vital for powering the world whereas gold is merely a ‘bit shiny’. In fact he tried to use some of the money from his book sales last year to buy a uranium watch from a, surprisingly open minded, watchmaker in Switzerland. Needless to say it got intercepted by customs and destroyed in a controlled explosion.
Sorry. I sometimes fear Mr Mcinsley has rubbed off on me. Anyway this: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00BHDOEWY ...is the kind of thing he seems to spend his time doing these days. Puerile nonsense if you ask me but it seems to amuse him and when he is happy he is at least less violent and rage filled... which is always a good thing.
Partario Haberdashery.
Managing Director, Partario Publishing.
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I need some plastic. Obviously. Why else would I be emailing you?
[Plastic Company]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
what is it to do with if I have a wife or not
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Plastic Company]
My wife, my wife, my kingdom for a wife!
Understand now?
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The other day I heard about an operation to make one’s penis fully poseable. Is this something you perform?
[Plastic Surgeon]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor,
Thank you for your email and interest in [Cosmetic! Surgery?]. I am not quite sure which procedure you are interested in. Would you mind clarifying?
Thank you.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Plastic Surgeon]
Sorry, I do not know what the procedure is called. Basically it is an operation to restore conscious lateral movement to the penis. Currently I cannot move it at all.
Thanks.
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My wife’s birthday is coming up and I was planning on buying her some coffee.
[Coffee People]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi Trevor,
Thank you very much for your email and for thinking of us for your wife’s birthday. Please find attached our current price list and newsletter, with information about us and our coffees.
I’m afraid that to the best of our knowledge Linda McCartney has never been a customer of ours, and we also do not have any endorsements to speak of.
I can confirm that all of our coffees are suitable for vegetarians, so I hope this information is helpful.
If you have any further queries at all or would like to place an order, please do let me know and I will happily arrange this with you.
With kind regards,
[Jangles]
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Coffee People]
Hello Jangles. Can I call you Jangles?
To be clear I was only thinking of buying her coffee for her birthday not attempting to hold her birthday party in your coffee warehouses. Although if this is on offer I will certainly think about it. Maybe we could play paintball with coffee beans or something.
Out of interest... you say that all your coffees are suitable for vegetarians... does this mean that there is coffee out there that is not? Coffee with beef granules in it or something? Actually... what about that coffee made from weasel vomit or cat droppings... would this count as being an ‘animal product’ and hence unsuitable for vegans? Personally I have always argued that vegans should not use plastic as it comes from decomposed dinosaurs but for some reason they simply view this reasoning as ‘absurd’. Apparently their logic is that they do not use animal products where an animal has been harmed or kept by humans to produce such product, although using this logic there is nothing stopping vegans from eating dead fish that have washed up on the beach... yet still they just eat their tofu and grass. They are pretty strange people really.
What about if an insect happened to fall into the coffee grinder... would this make it unsuitable for vegetarians? How stringent are your caterpillar checks when grinding coffee?
Thanks. Trevor Mcinsley.
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[Other Coffee People]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi,
She popped in this morning for a flat white. She loves our Electric house blend. I’d recommend a kilo of that, your wife will love you (even more) :)
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Other Coffee People]
Ghosts drink coffee?
[Other Coffee People]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Spirits mainly....
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Starbucks
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor,
Thank you for contacting Starbucks.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find any list or record of what type of coffee Linda McCartney drinks. If you are able to respond with more details about her choice of coffee, we will certainly help you in any way that we can.
Thank you again for taking the time to contact us. We look forward to welcoming you back to your local store soon.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Starbucks
Do you maintain a list of celebrity coffee preferences? That sounds like a very impressive bit of market research. Personally all coffee tastes the same to me anyway but I do have something like two hundred and eighteen different varieties of tea in the kitchen and my desk is literally covered in teacups and spoons so I can understand the desire for a lot of variety.
Another coffee company recently assured me that all their coffee was suitable for vegetarians. Which seemed like a fairly silly thing to say... I mean am I to believe there are coffee growers out there sneaking into the fields at night to paint each bean with a thin veneer of lamb’s blood prior to the harvest? What checks do you do to ensure that your farmer’s are not attempting to make vegetarians eat animal protein? I ask because if I were a farmer this is totally the kind of thing I would be likely to do when bored.
I have nothing against vegetarians per se you understand but when they use the phrase ‘I can’t eat that’ when they actually mean ‘I do not want to eat that’... I get very annoyed. I do not like mushrooms but I cannot use the excuse ‘I can’t eat that, I’m a carnivore’ so why are they allowed to get all poncy about eating meat? If they don’t want to eat it that’s fine but unless they physically have an allergy or get ill then I don’t think they should be allowed to say ‘can’t’. One vegetarian once said this to me over a bloody pop-tart. Clearly these people are deluded. She really wanted to eat the pop-tart but when she checked the ingredients and saw beef gelatine she decided that meant she wasn’t allowed to eat it. That’s just... mental. I was pretty much screaming internally ‘JUST EAT THE GODDAMN POP-TART WOMAN!’
Sorry... what was I talking about?
Oh yes. That coffee which is regurgitated by Vietnamese weasels (yes that was an odd sentence)... do you think that vegans would have a problem with that? I mean... I have a problem with that, who in their right mind would think to make coffee out of bloody weasel vomit!? ...but in regards to vegans with their bizarre views regarding animal products... would they take issue with this?
Thanks, Trevor Mcinsley.
Cumberland, Lancashire, Braunschweiger...
You know how words lose their meaning when you hear them too much too often? Well prepare to lose all meaning of the word ‘Sausage’...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Salisbury Sausage Shop
Hello. We are having a sausage cook off and hence need a large number of sausages. Not just any sausages either... we are looking for especially unique and little known sausages. Some sausages we have not tried before basically.
We have sausage cook offs every year so, as you can imagine, we have tried a huge number of different sausage types over the years. Last time I recall someone brought some kangaroo sausages and we also had a few snake sausages, pigeon sausages and even grass sausages! (for the vegans)
What kind of unique and interesting sausages do you stock that you think would be of interest to us this year?
Thanks.
Trevor ‘Sausage’ Mcin
sley.
The Salisbury Sausage Shop
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi Trevor,thanks for your message,we don’t do different meats,just pork,beef,lamb,venison,chicken and wild boar,al of them fantastic sausages and we have have a large range of flavours,please do come in and try our babies!!!!!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Salisbury Sausage Shop
Try your babies? I had never considered this before. If I turned up to the sausage cook off with embryonic human sausages I think things would go down a storm.
Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet Page 6