Control Me

by Shanora Williams

  “What the fuck? Are you crazy?” he hissed. He glanced over his shoulder quickly then back at me. My eyes expanded. I was shocked and confused. “I didn’t call you once, Mya. I didn’t try and get in contact with you at all after you left. I’ve been back from Spain for two months now. Do you not get the point?”

  “W-what are you trying to say?” I asked. My eyes were glistening. I could barely contain myself. I knew what he was going to say and hearing him say it made my heart shatter.

  “I’m not in love with you anymore, Mya. I’ve moved on and so should you. Now go home and please don’t come back here.” And with that, he turned his back to me and stepped back into the hotel room with the unknown woman. The door slammed in my face and I stood there motionless.

  I felt broken. Hurt.

  I stared down at the present I spent nearly three hundred dollars on and once a tear fell and landed on it, I turned and walked away. I left the present there. It was a Michael Kors watch he could never stop talking about. No matter what he said about me needing my money, I wanted him to keep it. I wanted him to see it and maybe change his mind.

  Although my heart was broken I still had hope. I wanted him to think things through and come back to me. I told myself on my way home that he didn’t mean what he said—that he was just in a moment.

  But after months of hearing nothing from here and also hearing from Bethany that he returned the watch himself, I knew he’d really moved on. I was no longer wanted. I was alone and I feared that so much—so much that I had to start therapy again in order to control myself.

  Because of Terry that fear of being alone haunted me for months, and since Carlos and I were no longer seeing each other it was slowly but surely creeping back into my life and I didn’t know what the hell to do about it.

  WORTH IT

  I was defeated on my flight back home. I’d been let down plenty of times before but this time it just felt foul. With Terry there was a hole in my chest that lingered for months, but with Carlos there was this tiny scratch on my heart that I knew would soon be healed but not for a very long time. The heart was sensitive. Any kind of scar was painful. We’d only spent four days together, but those were the most magical four days of my life.

  I wasn’t quite sure what to do or think. For a while, as I sat at the airport, I debated going back to Carlos’s place and setting things straight. I wanted answers. I wanted him. We weren’t done. Our time was cut short by three men that I knew nothing about, but apparently they knew everything about me as well as Carlos. I wanted to say to hell with those fuckers and run back into his arms. I wanted to tell him to run away with me, but of course that was just me. I was a bit theatrical, I admit, but I felt I needed to be. Carlos and I clicked in a way. We were still getting to know each other and if those men hadn’t come we could’ve finished our day off right.

  But then I thought about the picture on his dresser—the woman he was kissing so passionately. Carlos kissed me with some passion, but in that photo I could see the sparks flying. I could almost feel the love. He loved her, and I wondered what’d happened to her. Maybe he’d never left her. Maybe they were just taking a break and he was using me to get over his single life—bury it for good. Maybe, after he was done with me, he was going to go back to her. Maybe that’s why I had a time limit.

  But what about Marilyn? Seriously, there was so much shit going on that I realized I couldn’t go back. There was a sticky web surrounding Carlos and I refused to get tangled up in it. After realizing that on my flight, I knew I had to stay away. Four days was nothing. He wasn’t worth it.

  I was proud of myself for thinking that way, but I knew it wouldn’t last long. The terrible thing about it was I knew myself. I knew once the memories were to surface I’d want Carlos next to me all over again. I knew I’d will myself to forget all about the lies and that crazy, sticky web surrounding him just to spend time with him. I liked Carlos… a lot. I had a good time in San Francisco. Although we spent more time touching, groping—fucking—I felt the connection.

  Those issues I had… well, this was the problem. Whenever I got too close to someone I wanted to stay close. Whenever I got to know someone—especially someone I liked—I wanted that person around for a very long time. I was clingy and I also could be downright crazy whenever I couldn’t have my way. As soon as those memories were to start I just knew I’d find any kind of way to be around Carlos Montero again… and frankly I feared that.

  I was finally home. I sighed and my bags hit the floor with a heavy thunk, which, of course, caused Claire to come rushing around the corner.

  “Mya!” she shouted.

  “Hey Claire Bear,” I sang.

  As soon as she met up to me she wrapped me in her arms and squealed. Then, just as quickly as she pulled me in, she yanked away and scowled, crossing her arms. “You do realize I’m absolutely pissed at you, right?”

  I forced a laugh and walked around her. After plopping down in my favorite leather recliner I said, “You sure? I can’t tell by the way you just squealed like a banshee while squeezing me.”

  “Oh, whatever. I called and text you so many times!” She took a seat on the love seat across from me. For a few seconds she stared at me, but I purposely avoided her eyes by messing with my fingernails. “So?” she asked impatiently. “What happened over there that was obviously more important than filling your only best friend in?”

  I glanced up. “Oh…” I shrugged. “It was nothing. We ate some dinner. Did the deed a few times. Nothing major.”

  She gave me a doubtful glare. “Yeah,” she scoffed. “I don’t believe that one bit. Carlos called me for the size of your clothes, shoes, bra size—everything.”

  I sat forward in my seat, meeting her eyes. “What else did he call about?”

  She blinked quickly. “What do mean?”

  This time it was my turn to give her a glare. “Don’t play dumb, Claire. Carlos told me he called you about…” I paused, debating on how to explain. “About Terry,” I whispered, as if someone else could hear us.

  “Oh. Right… I didn’t think he’d actually tell you that I told.” She winced. “You aren’t upset about it, are you? I held out for as long as I could but he threatened that he’d just hire someone to look into your background for him. I didn’t want that. I’d rather him hear it from someone that actually knows you and the whole story than someone that’ll make you seem… crazy.” She whispered the last word.

  “Well, what all did you tell him?” I asked.

  “I just told him that you and Terry were very close and how you’d been with him for a few years and was planning on marrying him. I also told him about Spain.” She winced again, her cheeks turning a bright red.

  “It’s okay, Claire. I mean it’s not like I’m gonna see him again anyway.”

  Her head tilted. “What do you mean? You guys didn’t work anything out?”

  “It’s not that I didn’t want to… it was all him.” I chewed on my bottom lip, biting back my emotion. “Let’s just say things got a little complicated.”

  “Oh no,” she said, her eyes wide. “Oh jeez, Mya, please don’t tell me you went… there with him?”

  “No!” My voice was abrupt, which made Claire press her lips and shake her head in shame. I lowered my head, staring down at the floor. “I mean… I didn’t mean to. I tried so hard to stay strong and maintain control like you and Dr. Grace taught me but… I just couldn’t with him.” I looked up. “Claire, I wanted to be around him so much and I’m not sure why.”

  “Do you still feel that way?” she asked in a whisper.

  I nodded my head with shame written all over me.

  “Oh, Mya.” Claire stood and grabbed my hand to bring me to the love seat. I sat beside her, placing my head on her shoulder. “You know, I’m kind of glad you and him aren’t taking this any further. You know how I nosey I am so I did a little research on him after he called me and I have to admit I didn’t really like what I came across.”


  “What’d you find out?” I asked as I whipped my head up.

  “Well I found out he and his family are from Venezuela. I also saw that he was… married?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I found that out in San Francisco.”

  “Hmm. And you stuck around?”

  “It’s not a real marriage. He says he met her in Venezuela and she agreed to marry him so he could become a citizen here.”

  She frowned. “That’s… stupid. And no offense but how the hell is he so successful?”

  “I don’t know. He’s really smart and obviously talented in the architecture department. I guess that has a lot to do with it.” I refused to tell Claire about the men that came to Carlos’s house. I was sure they had something to do with his success after they mentioned contracts he had broken. Why else would they be watching him and everyone else surrounding him?

  “Anyway,” Claire sighed, interrupting my thoughts, “that text I sent you about not getting to comfy… well that was because of the wife thing. But now that I know he only did it to become a citizen… well, I guess it’s whatever. Still dumb but whatever.” She took a brief pause. “There’s just… something about him, Mya. I don’t know. I saw one woman mentioned as his wife and another as a woman he was dating. Her name was Sophia or something. Did he mention that name to you?”

  “Sophia?” So that was her name. “No. He didn’t.”

  Claire shook her head and stood to her feet. “Mya… do me a favor please?”

  I looked up, already knowing what she was about to ask of me. “What?”

  “Just… stay away from him. I don’t think you should be involved with a man that’s pretending to be married to one woman and also showing interest in another. Then he’s trying to own and dominate you? No, Mya. Just no. He may be hot, rich, and smart as shit, but you deserve better. If you’re going to obsess, let it be with someone that’ll be just as obsessed with you as you are with him. Just my two cents. Oh yeah, and think about going to see Dr. Grace. Don’t let him stick in your head.”

  I nodded, sighing. “I know, Claire. You’re right.”

  “I know I am. Now, let’s make some coffee and catch up. You have a lot to tell me, missy!” She grabbed my hands and pulled me up with her, leading the way to the kitchen.

  Although I didn’t like much of what Claire knew or what she was saying, she was right. I didn’t need to be involved with Carlos. There were way too many questions surrounding him and not enough answers. If Sophia, as Claire called her, was still around, I did not want to be in competition with her. It was clear he cared about her more than me. It was also clear he had love for her. How could I compete with that?

  ***

  While I filled Claire in on the things Carlos and I did in California it seemed more scratches were appearing on my heart. I shouldn’t have missed him so much but I did.

  After a while I got tired of talking about him and my time spent there so I switched the subject to one I knew Claire wouldn’t shut up about: working with Green without me around. “Oh my gosh I hated it!” she shrieked while placing her empty coffee mug down. “I mean, I thought we had it rough with the two of us but I was sooo wrong. He worked me like a slave. I’m so glad you’re back.” I forced a smile and she went on about the things he made her do.

  My phone buzzed moments later and I whipped my head towards the sound, hoping that just maybe it was him. I stood from the barstool and rushed for my purse. After fishing through it and yanking it out, my heart pounded in my chest erratically. There was a voicemail from an unknown number. “Shit,” I hissed.

  “What?” Claire asked, making her way towards me and peeking over my shoulder. “Who is it?”

  “I think it’s him.”

  She groaned. “Oh God, Mya! What did I just tell you? You deserve better!”

  I turned and looked at her. “I know, I know. But… there’s just some stuff I need to talk to him about. After I talk to him about it I swear I’ll leave him alone.” I stepped past her and dialed my voicemail.

  “Oh boy,” Claire sighed, heading back to her stool.

  I ignored her and entered my bedroom. It took me a while to press the button for the voicemail. I mean, what if it wasn’t even him? What if it was a telemarketer or something? I didn’t want to be disappointed but I just had to know.

  So I pushed the button and pressed the phone to my ear and when his deep, hypnotic voice started, I swear I oozed inside. I felt hot and fuzzy all over again. All the negative things I thought about him disappeared as he spoke carefully. He still cared. Oh, thank the heavens.

  “Mya,” he started, “I know I’m the very last person you want to hear from right now, but I feel I need to explain myself. What happened yesterday was not supposed to happen. Trust me, it caught me off guard just as much as it did you. Those men…” he paused. I swallowed thickly, anxiously awaiting the rest. “I had no clue they were watching you. I always figured they were watching my back but not so much as to know my plans with you. So much has registered to me now. There were things I had questions about—things I always wanted to know about them and now I do.” He sighed. “Look, we need to talk. I need to see you again. I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. Just give me a chance to explain things. I thought I was a free man—I thought I’d be free after doing what they wanted me to do—but it turns out I’m not. Just call me back at this number but make sure you don’t call from your phone. I’m sure if they haven’t started already they’ll be tracing your calls.” He paused again, but afterwards he said, “I’m sorry, Mya. Please consider calling me back. It’s important,” and then he hung up.

  I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at it, confused. It sounded like he was being sincere, but I had to remember that this was Carlos. He was dangerous. What if those men were listening to every word he was saying? I wanted to talk to him again and I wanted answers, but what if this was a trap? I couldn’t risk it. And what the hell did he mean by he thought he was a free man? What did he do that makes them want to keep him around? Why did they have him on such a tight leash?

  My mind was boggled. This was too much.

  A knock sounded at my door and I turned quickly, spotting Claire. “Just checking in,” she said. “Did you talk to him?”

  I pressed my lips and shrugged. I didn’t want to say what I was about to say, but I had to. I had to say it out loud in order to believe it. It was only right. “I decided to just… let it go. You were right,” I murmured with a sigh. “He’s just not worth it.”

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