Chances Come

by Ney Mitch

  “Very well. I shall not ask you to break your confidence.”

  “Aunt, I want to believe that Mr. Darcy may feel for me, but just in case I am in error, I do not want to see something that is not there.”

  “Let us not care about what he feels for the moment. Let us talk of your feelings. Lizzy, do you still feel a deep attraction to Mr. Darcy?”

  I stopped packing and looked ahead. Now that it came time to talk about it, I was suddenly so very nervous again. I opened my mouth, but then I closed it again.

  “Lizzy?”

  “Sorry, Aunt. You know how you think of something often, but when it is time to talk of it, you do not have the words?”

  “Yes, I do. Especially if the subject matter is as heavy as this.”

  I stopped packing and sat down on the bed. “Indeed. Yet, now that it comes down to it, I am so very nervous. So insecure. My courage is escaping me, and I do not know why.”

  “Lizzy, there is no judgment from my part. You are amongst family now.”

  “Yes, you are correct.”

  “How strong are your feelings for him?”

  “We are in a world where it is inappropriate for a woman to admit to falling in love with a man even before he has decided if he is in love with her,” I teased.

  “Never fear. I am not so backward in my thinking. But love? Do you finally feel that you are… in love with him?”

  “I have never fully been in love before. Or at least, not in this sort of way. Therefore, I do not know what I am feeling is love.”

  “You do not have to have experienced it before to know that it has found you. Do you feel miserable when he is not near you?”

  “Yes!” I gasped. “I wish to see him all the time. And I secretly get upset if I do not see him ere long. When I came to London, I threatened to seek him out even if he did not come to me first.”

  “You did that?”

  “I had selfless reasons for doing it, but if I had fallen in love with him, then I would have done the same thing.” Slowly, I stood and glanced toward the window. “I feel anxiety over him. I feel my stomach getting upset at times, and I wonder what he is often thinking.”

  “Then, Lizzy, you are in love with him,” her aunt assured her.

  “I am in love with a man who is wealthy, who comes from one of the best families in England, who could marry royalty if he set his mind to it, and who has ten thousand pounds a year. I am in love with Mr. Darcy.”

  I turned in a circle and lifted my hands to my cheeks. “Dear me, that is frightening to say out loud. How can I be happy over being in love with a man who can easily not ever be in love with me?”

  “I believe there is hope. He has much affection for you.”

  “But what if we are seeing what we want to see? What if he is merely being friendly?”

  “I have seen men in love, and he has all the symptoms of a man who is on his way to feeling for you. Yet, you are correct for being on your guard. Let his actions be your guide. Only give yourself away once he verbally displays outward affection toward you. Therefore, if you feel for him, then you only allowed yourself and me to know of it.”

  “Yes. I may have lost my heart, but I must not lose my self-control. Though, I feel it slipping away at every moment.”

  “That is a natural feeling to being in love as well.”

  “Merriam?” Uncle Gardiner called from down below.

  “Coming,” Aunt Gardiner responded. She stood, kissed my cheek and she left me alone.

  I had confessed it!

  Out loud, I had admitted that I was fully in love.

  I lay down on the bed letting all my energy release. Staring up at the ceiling, I marveled at it all.

  I was truly in love with Mr. Darcy.

  Soon, the whirlwind of emotions that traditionally follow this revelation began to find me. I felt sick once more. I also felt listless and confused, as if I could not focus on one thing. I was losing my bearings, and letting my nerves escape every pore of my skin.

  What a piece of work is man and woman!

  We can be so noble and logical in one moment, and then so irrational and romantic in the next. How can such extreme and different emotions be contained within one individual?

  We humans…so small in the eyes of heaven, and yet, so much bigger on the inside. In action, we are a walking contradiction. And in emotion, we are beautiful confusion!

  But I refused to despise myself.

  Even if we were all wrong, and Mr. Darcy did not love me, I would rally. I was in love, and rather than run from it, I would cherish it. I would find the beauty and fun of it all and leave all the rest behind or ahead of this moment.

  Heartbreak could find me tomorrow. But for today, for this moment, I would merely find joy.

  Accepting all that would and could occur when falling in love, I was determined.

  All was open. All was possible.

  However, all could come to nothing.

  Or at the very worst, it all would end in calamity. For love, despite the beauty of the emotion, could wreak so much havoc. Heartache was said to be something so fatal, that it could kill someone.

  I did not wish to die from sensibility. However, with all of that being said, I thought of my poor father once more. And I truly returned to my gust for life.

  After all, it was merely life and life only. What would be the worst that could happen if I fell in love and nothing came of it? There would be slight embarrassment, but that was nothing that I could not survive and endure. I would rise again and recover, then be as I once was. No true man or woman ever died from heartache. And neither would I.

  Therefore, come what may, I decided to fall into my affections, and enjoyed the idea of letting oneself go, despite the consequences.

  Chapter 9

  God Help Us

  In the span of a couple of days, we moved into Grosvenor Street, where Mr. Darcy showed us our rooms. When I had entered mine, I twirled around and was overjoyed.

  “We are at Grosvenor Street. We are in Grosvenor Street!”

  Then I remembered myself, and I turned to see Jane and Darcy staring at me.

  “We are happy, and we cannot censure ourselves.” Jane smiled at Mr. Darcy. “It is just our way.”

  “I shall remember how to be a proper lady tomorrow, I promise,” I replied, smiling.

  Mr. Darcy gave us a wry smile. “I enjoy your enthusiasm. I was hoping that you would be delighted here. Miss Bennet, allow me to show you into your room. It is merely the one that is next to Miss Elizabeth’s room.”

  “Mine is next to hers,” Jane responded, quite giddy in fact. “Oh, that is very good! Let us see it. At your pleasure of course.”

  “Of course. Let us go now.”

  Mr. Darcy took Jane and me into her room and Jane marveled at it.

  “I love it!” Jane gasped, going to the bed immediately and sitting down on it. “Oh, I love it so very much.”

  “I think that we both are very happy,” I said to Mr. Darcy, giving him an arched look. “Where shall Kitty stay? Can I be presumptuous and ask if she may be near us as well? We should like to be able to keep close watch on her.”

  “Afraid that she will get stolen from underneath our noses?” Darcy asked, amused.

  “In this mad mad mad mad world, anything is possible,” I answered with faux drama.

  “Never fear. In this manner, we both think the same. Her room is right next to yours. My sister will stay in the room on the other side of Kitty’s. This way, Miss Bennet will be in the middle of you all.”

  “That is perfect,” Jane said. “I can make my nightly inspections of their safety before I retire to bed.” Mr. Darcy narrowed his eyes. “Oh, take no offense to that, sir,” Jane rushed out. “It is something I did at Longbourn as well, after our father died. I always wanted to make certain that my sisters were in bed. It has become a habit of mine.”

  “Oh! Well, that makes a great deal of sense. That is very good of you.”

  “
I thank you for letting us stay,” Jane responded. “Will we see anything of your cousin, or is he gone off to his regiment?”

  Mr. Darcy hesitated at his response.

  “He will be doing a mixture of both things. He shall be overseeing his regiment, but he also shall be stopping off here every now and again, to be amongst family.”

  “Then that means that we shall soon have the pleasure of your sister coming,” I deduced.

  “Precisely. My sister will be arriving the day after Kitty is meant to come. I have also fitted up a room for Mrs. Gardiner to remain in if she ever desires to stay.”

  “I thank you, and I look forward to meeting Miss Darcy.”

  Jane walked to the other side of the room, to enjoy a view of the window. As she did, I remained close to Mr. Darcy. In truth, I did not like the idea of being far away from him. Yet, he took advantage of that opportunity, for soon after Jane walked away, Mr. Darcy leaned into me.

  “Why did Miss Bennet ask most pointedly about the Colonel visiting?”

  “She was perhaps just being polite.” I read his expression. “Do you worry about something?”

  “I have a frightening truth to tell you.”

  “What is it?” I whispered, alarmed.

  “Something that I shall wait till we are alone to talk of. Once we get a minute, I will divulge all. Yet, rest assured that no one is harmed. This is merely a romantic issue.”

  “And by that, are you referring to the fact that your cousin fancies my sister?”

  He looked directly at me.

  “When have you ever known me to be blind?” I retorted, arching my eyebrow. “We shall speak of this later.”

  “Quite right.”

  After Jane and I spent time admiring her room, we separated to get dressed for dinner. Both of us were assigned our own servant to help us, and my servant’s name was Jenny. As she helped me get dressed and style my hair, I asked her what Mr. Darcy would be doing at present. She responded that he usually was in his study, for he never changed for dinner. I admitted to her that I would prefer to finish getting dressed quickly, for I had something urgent to tell her master. She styled my hair simply and then showed me to Mr. Darcy’s study. I knocked on his door and his clerk opened the door to me. I asked him if he would address Mr. Darcy on my behalf and request that he and I have a private discussion.

  The clerk, Mr. Bartholomew Mason, appealed to Mr. Darcy, who agreed and sent Mr. Mason away so that we could talk on our own.

  Now that we finally were alone, I sat down in front of Darcy’s desk, at ease.

  “Forgive me, but this was the best that I could do at getting us alone,” I began. “If we were to try and speak anywhere else, I feared that we would have an audience of eavesdroppers.”

  His eyes were warm and inviting. “Your instinct was akin to my own. I am happy that you and I think so alike at times.”

  “Well, it does add peace to our relationship sometimes, no matter how brief,” I jested. “First, again, Mr. Darcy, I would like to thank you for letting us stay here. Jane and I are truly happy.”

  “I am glad of it. Really, I am, Miss Elizabeth.”

  “I do not know why you were stricken with such gallantry and chivalry, but I like that you were.”

  “I did it for selfish reasons,” he said. “There is something about your company that I like a great deal.”

  “Never fear, for I feel the same. Now, before we run out of time, we have to discuss an interesting subject.”

  “Yes.” Mr. Darcy expelled a sigh. “Yes, we do.”

  “Your cousin and my sister.”

  “Yes, them. So, you did notice it as well?”

  “From the moment they met each other,” I answered.

  “Am I reading your behavior incorrectly once more, or do I get the sense that you are neither surprised nor unperturbed by this?”

  “That is the side effect to having a beautiful sister,” I elaborated. “You are so used to men falling in love with her, that you are used to seeing the charm ignite between her and another man very quickly. Is the Colonel smitten with her?”

  “Yes, he is. Very much so.”

  “And let me see if I got this right,” I continued, as if I were reciting a routine. “He yearns from within, having never met such an angel before. And now that he has met her, he is even considering the prospect of marrying her, despite her lack of dowry and his dependency on his profession. He wonders that maybe he could economize and support them both. And he feels that my sister has the ability to survive well on such an income, despite that he is not used to it himself. For with Jane, all is possible.”

  He answered, “You clearly sound as if you have seen this happen a great deal.”

  “I have seen men write poetry to my sister. And you know how some men hate poetry! Yes, they always start out enraptured with her. And then the inevitable happens.”

  “What?”

  “He wakes up to another reality: the reality where he weighs the demands of his pocketbook higher than the demands of his heart. And he returns to that reality, having fallen from the lofty heights of the bliss he experienced when he would serenade my sister. And he falls from the heavens, becoming hard and stern, as he stands up and returns to another part of England, where rationality reigns over him, and his heart gets a little colder in the process.” I turned and looked at him. “Many a man and woman have abandoned a true love when the great master: Gain, has called for them. For what are we humans to each, when it comes to love; I cannot help but that some of us regard others of us as playthings.”

  “I have seen evidence of such, myself. Do you think my cousin will fall into the category of those men that you had mentioned previously? Do you think that eventually, he will relinquish Miss Bennet as something of interest?”

  “First, I cannot be certain. He is your cousin and even you cannot be certain what he is going to do. With love, we all can fall in different directions. I want to believe that, once he overcomes his infatuation, he shall simply enjoy her company and move on. But is that the right thing to hope for? If it be so, my hope is that he merely toys with her, and that is not fair either.”

  Darcy studied me. “I thought that you would be disturbed by this. After all, you and I have done so much to bring Jane and Mr. Bingley together again and make it a magical moment for the both of them.”

  “I know, but I am not worried, I find. And do you know why?”

  “Why?”

  “Because life is short,” I answered. “So, why are we so frightened of romantic complications? If Colonel Fitzwilliam is charmed by my sister, inform him of Mr. Bingley.”

  “I have.”

  “Good. Then as for the rest, let it play itself out as it is. The Colonel will either feel deeply for her, or less deeply. You have told him about Mr. Bingley, therefore, you have done your duty. I will speak to Jane about the Colonel, but I will not influence her. For she and the Colonel are both adults. They are capable of making their own decisions and recovering from their own confusion and complications.” I paused and gave him a steady look.

  “Do you ever wonder that maybe we humans have a tendency to create our own heavens and our own hells? By concerning ourselves with romantic matters such as these, to the point where we are allowing ourselves to worry about them, maybe we are giving ourselves too much unnecessary grief. Again, I will inform Jane, and allow her to be put on her guard, but for now, let them just enjoy the comforts of each other’s charms. The worst that can happen is that one gets heartbroken from that; no confident individual ever fully died from that. Perhaps they cried, were pained, and were distraught for a bit, but no, no one ever died.”

  Mr. Darcy leaned back in his chair and looked at me.

  “I am so used to overseeing things,” he gathered, “that I suppose the idea of letting things take their course has never occurred to me before.”

  “Some things ought to be overseen and influenced,” I allowed, “and we ought to bring our intellect to them. Howev
er, with other things, we perhaps should not be trying to be overbearing with our influence. Sometimes fate has a way of punishing such pride. I know that I seem hypocritical now. Yet, perhaps, it would be best to let things unfold for the moment. Maybe, without our interference, and without the aggravation that we both could suffer from said interference, we should let all of them sort out their own lives. We both have arranged for Jane to meet with Mr. Bingley soon. Therefore, we have done enough. It is up to them now.”

  “You advise that we wash our hands of it all?”

  I shrugged. “A mere suggestion. What do you think? I will value your advice. But mind you, I will never let it erase my own.”

  “For the moment, I will accept your plan.”

  “Do you do it because it is the right thing to do,” I teased, “or do you do it because you are scared of me in this moment?”

  “Scared of you?” he echoed, his left eyebrow raising.

  “Yes. I must ask. For I do so much want you to make this decision because you think it the right thing to do, and not because you feel pressured to agree with me.”

  “Come now?” He asked, lightly. “When have I ever been afraid of getting into a disagreement with you?”

  “True. Just making sure that you did not feel your self-will be pulled away from you. So, we leave them alone and let them decide as they wish?”

  “It will give me peace.”

  “I like peace.”

  “As do I.”

  It was time for dinner.

  And to dinner, Colonel Fitzwilliam came once more to give us his company!

  Jane and I asked him about serving in his majesty’s military service, and it was the right question to ask. Colonel Fitzwilliam was a delightful storyteller, and every now and again, he narrated a tale of woe. For, by going into battle, he had inherited a few battle scars. Being women who were kept among all the comforts of safety, Jane and I gasped at hearing some of his stories.

  “For,” Jane commented, “we are not ignorant women, and we are aware that men of course suffer terribly on the battlefield. Yet, no matter how one is aware of a situation…”