by Ney Mitch
This was made very evident when he looked toward the seat next to him, expecting Jane to take that seat immediately. What was even more surprising was that she did sit next to him, without any fear of how it made her appear.
Darcy and I gave each other a look, sat down as well, and let the two of them speak with each other and thoroughly ignore us. While I had been initially apprehensive about this coupling, I soon stopped caring. For truly, I was seated next to Mr. Darcy, and very quickly, all my attention gave way to him.
That is the strange and vexing tendency of falling in love with someone; you begin to have a hard time caring about the presence of others and you feel a definitive draw towards that one person. You cannot attend to much else without it feeling like it is a great nuisance, for it forces you to speak to something else than the object of your affections.
How easily it was to impose oneself on the public and fall into the habit of impropriety and being indiscrete. This was why Charlotte Lucas advised me to encourage Jane to be more forthright in her affections toward Mr. Bingley.
Charlotte!
Now that I had thought of her, it occurred to me that I had not written to her ever since I came to London!
That had been for quite some time. For all my attention had been seized by my constant overturning of emotions to Mr. Darcy. After saving me from Mr. Wickham, Mr. Darcy was all I could think of, nothing else.
Yet, in the next minute, I recalled that she had not written to me either and my heart rested. Both she and I clearly had other things on our minds, and we had temporarily forgotten each other. I would write to her in time, but for the moment, there was nothing to be apprehensive about. So, once more, I turned my attention to Mr. Darcy. And I found peace.
In speaking with him while eating, I felt as if he and I were encased in a large shell and the rest of the world was on the outside. Truly, in that moment, it felt as if he and I were the only two people in the world and all the rest did not exist.
Faith, if anyone were to disturb our peace and the tranquility of each other’s company, forcing us to converse with them, I feel as if I would mark them as a villain forever. Let no one else speak or feel as if their concerns matched ours. And if I were separated from Mr. Darcy, and even if that separation meant that I was granted into the gates of heaven, I would not go there. I would rail, rebel, and cry out, praying to fall back into the mortal comforts of Grosvenor Street, where I would weep out in happiness and liberty.
Such was how I felt for Mr. Darcy then.
In that moment.
At that time.
Yet dreams are never meant to last forever. Reality, and the world outside would break down the door, insisting on being allowed to enter, and intrude on the very peace that we found—interrupting the very peace that it promoted us humans to always feel for one another.
In that moment, I knew. Despite all my past feelings for him that were anything else or contradictory to my present state, I knew. I knew…that I was now in love with him.
What a blow to my pride and my past of believing in first impressions. I was falling in love with a man who I once vowed to never dance with.
And could Jane and my aunt be correct? Could he really love me as well? I flattered myself that he did. Yet, I had been wrong before. Therefore, I knew that it was not wise to jump towards any conclusions.
I still had time. And time would explain it all to me, by and by.
At noon, Aunt and Uncle Gardiner came by to visit. Yet, we all knew that their true intentions were manifold: they wished to see if Jane and I were being treated well, and to make certain that Kitty arrived safely.
When they came, we were happy to see one another, and we sat down to tea and cakes. Mr. Darcy asked how their children were doing, they asked about his Christmas plans, pleasantries were exchanged, but the true surprise was for our aunt and uncle’s discoveries.
Colonel Fitzwilliam had the entire day available. He was not obligated to return to his duties until the next day, and therefore, he decided to remain with us for the duration. By so doing, he could further his acquaintance with Jane.
And this was the discovery that surprised our aunt and uncle. Very soon into coming, they were able to see that Colonel Fitzwilliam admired Jane enormously, and that he was quite smitten. Yet, the greatest surprise was Jane.
Once, when getting a moment to ourselves as we poured each other some tea, my aunt whispered to me.
“Jane seems different here,” she began.
“Are you referring to her change in spirits, and how they have become enlivened?” I whispered in return.
“Yes. For your sister has always combined, with great fortitude, strength in composure. It was always wise, but it always left her in a state of serenity that never contained liveliness. Yet, here, she is livelier. And I cannot deny noticing what may have sparked this difference.”
She subtly nodded her head in Colonel Fitzwilliam’s direction.
I attempted to cover a smile.
“I promise, when we have the proper time, I shall speak to you about it later,” I assured her. “I am afraid of being overheard here.”
“Very wise.”
We parted ways and I sat down next to Mr. Darcy.
At 1:30 in the afternoon, we awaited Kitty’s arrival, and time was alongside us.
For five minutes before the half hour struck, while we were all sitting in the parlor and the family was forced to listen to me play on the pianoforte, a servant entered and announced that a carriage had arrived.
“It is Kitty,” I professed, happy to be away from the instrument. I jumped up, grabbed Jane’s arm, and pulled her along. “Kitty always likes it when we are the first to see her.”
“Agreed,” Jane said, turning to the others to explain my rashness. “It will make her feel more at home.”
“You must excuse my nieces’ eagerness,” Uncle Gardiner said to the cousins. “Lizzy and Jane are merely affectionate older sisters, and they are always happy to see family again.”
“No explanation is needed, nor an excuse,” Colonel Fitzwilliam responded. “I admire such strength of feeling. Such displays of sentiment indicate that one knows what love is. What do you say, Darcy?”
“You know my feelings on the matter, Richard,” Darcy replied, his tone light and amused.
Jane and I raced out of the door and down the steps just as the footman helped Kitty down from the carriage.
“Kitty,” I called out to her.
“Lizzy!” Kitty gave a giddy cry and stepped down. “And Jane!”
The three of us rushed to each other and embraced.
Kitty’s laugh was gay. “I am here! I am here!”
When we released her, her cheeks were red from the excitement.
“And we are on Grosvenor Street,” she continued, dazed. “And it looks like you are happy to see me.”
“We are,” Jane responded, smiling. “We think you shall be content in your visit.”
“Do I not look it already?” Kitty asked, rhetorically. “For look at us; we are on Grosvenor Street.” She released us, then she turned around, raised her hands, and twirled around.
“Good day, Grosvenor Street!” she cried.
This sudden outburst was startling and made us all instantly embarrassed.
“Kitty!” Jane hissed, and our Aunt Gardiner echoed the reprimand.
Yet, to our surprise, a short distance away, there were three soldiers who were walking along the street. Once Kitty made her declaration, they smiled and bowed to her.
“Good day!” They grinned and continued to walk away. Behind her, there were three men who were also walking. They removed their hats and bowed quickly to her, also merrily said good day, and then continued. A couple of people felt affronted by her cry and continued on, but they were in the minority.
A few chimney sweeps were passing by, dingy and dirty. Being men of mirth, they also smiled at my sister and tipped their hats to her. Afterwards, a family that was walking by had fo
ur children. The mother instructed them to say good day to Kitty, which they did.
Soon, many passersby were tipping their hats or smiling at our sister. Kitty acknowledged them all, then turn to us at last.
“I did not know I would be met with such friendliness.” Suddenly she noticed Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam standing behind our aunt and uncle. Immediately, she lost her nerve, confidence eluded her, and insecurity found its way back to her disposition. Her mouth closed and her cheeks became quite flushed.
“Mr. Darcy,” she stuttered. “I…well, I was…”
Mr. Darcy took a few steps forward and then he gently chuckled.
“Miss Kitty, I dare say that you entered London in the most memorable way that a person could. Welcome to my home. Am I to presume, by your declaration that you are happy to be here?”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied, her voice breathy. “In truth, I was surprised that you even thought to invite me. I had no idea that you cared much for my existence at all.”
“Kitty!” Uncle Gardiner snapped.
Kitty made a face. “I meant no offense, truly. I just am so nervous that I know not what to say. I am just so overwhelmed by it all and I feel so very small.”
“This is a compliment,” I rushed out, trying to explain Kitty’s behavior. “When she gets nervous, she simply wishes that everyone would like her.”
“I do,” Kitty confirmed. “I do wish for that. And I just realized that I am saying all these things when I have not even entered the house.”
“A house which I hope that you shall enjoy,” Mr. Darcy responded. “I specially had your room prepared so that it would be more comfortable for you.”
“For me?” Kitty was obviously in awe. “I cannot wait to see it.”
“In our eagerness to be reunited, we have not performed one important task,” Jane corrected us all. “Kitty, we have an acquaintance for you to meet.” Next, she turned to Colonel Fitzwilliam.
“Of course,” Mr. Darcy continued smoothly. “This is my cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam. Richard, this is Miss Kitty Bennet, the elder Miss Bennets’ little sister.”
“Miss Kitty.” Colonel Fitzwilliam bowed. “It is a pleasure to meet you. I found your salutations to Grosvenor Street to be refreshing and as proper way to greet the place as any.”
She smiled and curtseyed. “Thank you. I was happy to see my family again, and I was so overjoyed about coming here that I let myself practically fall over with being overstimulated.”
“And I am still ignorant, what number sister are you?”
Jane, Kitty, and I began to answer that question at the same time, then we laughed over it.
“I am the fourth sister,” Kitty answered after our answers got jumbled. “I am the youngest but one.”
“And your family has clearly its share of beauty. You are as lovely as your sisters.”
“Oh, Jane and Lizzy are the prettiest, I know,” Kitty admitted, “but thank you for saying it anyway.”
“You are too modest.”
“Well,” Mr. Darcy said, “I am desirous of showing Miss Kitty my home, and I will be disappointed until she sees it. So, let us enter.”
We all followed him into the home. As we did so, and Kitty’s luggage was being brought in by the servants, Kitty began to remove her pelisse, bonnet, and scarf.
“You really wish to show me your home?” Kitty asked, giddily, handing the last bit of her outerwear to the servants. “That is flattering.”
“Yes. However, I was worried about the state that you would be in when you arrived. Do you wish to sit down to some tea, and speak with the company first? Or would you prefer to retire to your room as soon as you can, so that you may change, rest for a time and drink your tea in peace?”
“Oh, I am not so certain which is the right answer,” Kitty admitted. “For, it is usually correct to sit down with the company first, and I know that I would have bad manners if I did otherwise. But the truth is that I am a little exhausted from my journey.” Kitty looked to Jane, me, and our aunt and uncle. “What am I to do? What is the right way of being?”
“I do not see that there is a wrong way,” Mr. Darcy answered her question. “You have every right to be tired. And, in truth, I do not believe in being so static and stiff about the rules in this situation. Sometimes, when someone arrives after a long journey, the last thing they wish to do is speak with everyone there.”
“Precisely. I am tired, and I do not even know what to say. And when I get tired, I say the wrong things, and then I am told that I make people upset with me.”
“Kitty, Mr. Darcy does not need to know that,” Aunt Gardiner advised.
“While usually such talk is not permissible,” Mr. Darcy smoothed over, “I understand the sentiment. When I first came to Hertfordshire, you recall, I was out of humor myself.”
“Are you referring to the assembly?” Kitty asked. “When you and the Netherfield party had first made our acquaintance?”
“Yes, I am. Well, you recall that I danced with only the women who I was acquainted with. Well, it was due to bashfulness on my part that led to me giving off the wrong first impression. I was so unnerved about being in the society of people who I had little acquaintance with that I wished to be banished from the room and left in solitude.”
“So, that was why you did not dance with any of the rest of us?” Kitty asked. “You just were nervous?”
“Yes. But, as you see, I am not nervous anymore.”
“So, then you did grow to like our company? You grew to like us somewhat, back in Hertfordshire?”
This natural discourse was against propriety and moderation, but none of us dared interrupt them. The main reason was because we marveled at it. I was overjoyed to see them getting along, in the general sense, at first. Yet, very soon, my happiness gave way to a slight nerve of inner disquiet. I was a little vexed at the connection that Kitty was achieving with Mr. Darcy so soon after entering his home.
With the others, they were perhaps in different states.
Colonel Fitzwilliam was most amused.
Aunt and Uncle Gardiner were out of their depth as to seeing how Kitty was conversing with Mr. Darcy.
I could never fully know what Jane was thinking. She just stood there, docile.
“Yes,” Mr. Darcy answered Kitty’s question, “I did. Very much actually.”
“Enough that you invited my sisters here, and then me,” Kitty continued. “I never would have foreseen that kind offer. I do not mean to offend, but it is so kind a gesture, that I never would have foreseen anyone doing such a thing for us. Our father has passed away, you see, so we are always surprised to see kindness.”
“I know the pains of losing one’s parent and protection from the world.”
“Yes! That is precisely it! I feel as if we are spinning around, and we do not know where to go. Do you ever feel so very lost? That was how we felt when our lives changed so much.”
“Yes, I felt the same way.”
“See?” I interjected, feeling pained for not being a part of the conversation. “We were never alone after all, Kitty.”
Kitty looked around the room.
“I love this room,” she voiced, randomly. “I like it tremendously.”
“Then we shall leave you to it.”
“I shall stay with Kitty for a while,” Jane said, “to offer her advice on how we shall be here and to tell her about the ball.”
“Oh,” Colonel Fitzwilliam said, surprised. “Well, yes, of course.” He had not expected Jane to leave his side for the duration.
“I feel torn,” I admitted, “for I wish to remain with Kitty as well, but I refuse to allow the men to be taken from the company of the three of us. I can see that they did not wish for all three Bennet sisters to be away from them this afternoon. Or am I overstepping propriety by recognizing that?”
Mr. Darcy opened his mouth, but Jane answered before him.
“Not at all,” she assured me. “My sisters only speak the trut
h about things, because they know that we are in the presence of people who admire sincerity. Mr. Darcy and the Colonel are generous. They do not deserve us all to abandon them. I shall give Kitty company for a quarter of an hour, then let her rest. I shall be down shortly. Lizzy, may you make your personality large enough to fill in the space that is our absence?”
“I shall do my best to play the part admirably,” I answered, and then I stood by the men as we left the room.
“You must forgive Kitty, Mr. Darcy and Colonel,” Uncle Gardiner added. “She is just so wholly unspoiled, that she has never developed a greater acquaintance with the ways of the world.”
It was true.
“Ah, yes,” Colonel Fitzwilliam said, “that tainting thing—a greater acquaintance with the ways of the world. It is a vital thing, and yet it also has a hard time in crushing the human spirit.”
“I was in such a way myself, once,” Mr. Darcy said. “And I do not envy her when the true harshness of reality breaks through the door and takes away her innocence.”
“She seems to be a sweet girl, from what I have seen,” Colonel Fitzwilliam complimented her. “She is just artless, which is refreshing.”
“She does have goodness to her nature,” I added, supporting Kitty. “She just was not always allowed to be given the best examples to follow.”
“But now that she is amongst her older sisters,” Aunt Gardiner continued, “she shall want for nothing. Lizzy and Jane shall watch over her.”
“I do not doubt it,” Colonel Fitzwilliam continued, “for you both appear to be devoted sisters. I admire the way that your eldest sister is tending to her now. It shows Miss Bennet’s sweetness and good nature.”
“Now that our father has passed away,” I summed up, “we feel the weight of there being no head in our family. Yet, with Jane, she feels it more acutely. I think that the loss of him affected us in two different ways. With me, it led to me always looking to the future and deciding our next step and where we ought to go. With Jane, it has led to her rising even more to her role as the eldest sister in the family. She wishes to protect us more, which is always delightful. Especially since it has done so much for her nature.”