“Yeah, whatever man.” Kaz hopped into his Hummer. “I’m sick of the lies and bullshit, Jaden. If I feel this way then how the fuck do you think Talia feels? You’re a coward, just like our father. He would rather fuck different women and have kids all over the motherfuckin’ place than leave his old lady. Do you know how embarrassed I was because Loire and I almost fucked one time? Then I had to find out the hard way she’s our half-sister?”
He sighed out loud and ran his fingers through his brown hair. “You think you’re so different—that we’re so different because we didn’t choose that life, ran away and decided to become rock n’ roll stars but we’re still his sons. I’m pushing Sydney away and I don’t even fucking know why! She’s the best thing that could happen to a bastard like me and I am treating her like shit. You are going to lose the best woman in the world because you’re too much of a fucking coward to admit you’re scared to death of becoming a father—”
“Yeah, I fucking am!” Jaden turned away from Kaz and began to pace. “You don’t think I know Talia is too good for me? She’s a dream woman and she would make me so fucking happy—happier than I ever thought was possible and I am fucking it up because I can’t be with someone as perfect as her. She has dealt with that loser, Seth, and I wonder why the fuck am I so different? Easy, I’m not! And what’s so fucking awful is our baby is healthy and fine. She’s doing well and I can’t come to terms that I am in love with her and if I go to her like this…open, vulnerable…I’ll stay and I will never leave.”
Kaz had a hard time feeling Jaden’s pain despite the tears that leaked from his eyes. He savagely wiped them away with the palms of his hands.
“I have to go. Syd is still angry with me because she knows my mind is pretty much made up and I want us to go to Vegas. Straighten up, fly right and make a motherfucking decision already. It’s not that hard. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? That drugged out skank you can’t find the courage to leave or Talia? And once you have made a decision, stick with it and stop draggin’ Tal’s heart around. God knows she deserved to fall in love with someone much better than you.”
“Have a safe flight to Vegas.” Jaden closed his door for him and turned to walk towards his own SUV.
He turned over the ignition, put the truck in drive and tore out of the parking lot.
KAZ KNEW LIFE was good at throwing curve balls but he never quite knew how fucked life could be until he came home to find Sydney chatting with him.
What the fuck was he doing in L.A. when he was supposed to be in Birch Tree, awaiting trial for the murder of an ATF agent?
He didn’t get house calls from his siblings—on either side of his fucked up family tree—so why the fuck was Cillian Cox sitting in his living room with his fiancé enjoying a fucking Jack Daniels in a crystal tumbler glass like he owned the place?
It was dangerous for both him and his reputation if the press ever suspected him of being anything other than a Gillian. No one knew, with the exception of his bandmates, his father was in fact Desmond “Dizzy” Cox.
Notorious womanizer.
President of the Lucifer’s Saints Motorcycle Club.
Fucking Northern Irish Catholic bastard who had fucked his mother and sent her back to the man he called his father with a bastard child and a broken woman who would never be the same.
His mother had killed herself while he was still a child and he was away at boarding school when it happened. He would never forgive the man he called his father for not allowing him to attend her funeral.
Much like he would never forgive Randall, his older half-brother, for sexually assaulting him during his adolescent years.
“Hey, what’s up bro? What the fuck are you doing here?” Kaz inquired as he poured himself a Macallan 50 in a tumbler and sat down next to Sydney.
“I was in town, little brother. I was actually lookin’ for Jaden but I thought I would stop by and make a house call. I was just chattin’ up your fiancée and she is quite the looker if I may say so.”
Cillian smirked and Kaz got up and began to pace.
His brother had a way with words but he was also a “looker” and the interest embedded in Syd’s eyes was all he needed to see. She was intrigued by the sexy, drop dead gorgeous biker who looked like he’d stepped off the set of Sons of Anarchy.
Cillian was a carbon copy of their old man with those crystal blue eyes, a formerly straight nose that had been broken but gave him a rugged, manly look; a high forehead, perfect cheekbones, a strong jaw and slightly full lips meant for seduction and smirking.
He was built like a biker with a long, lean body, tats on both arms though he didn’t have a full sleeve. He possessed a few days’ worth of facial hair growth and still managed to look attractive as he scratched his cheek.
“Well, now that you have met Sydney, you can leave. The last thing I need is the paparazzi finding out we know each other let alone we’re related.” Kaz swallowed his scotch and poured himself another.
“Relax, little brother.” Cillian strolled over to him. “Syd tells me you’re going out of town. I don’t want to stay at the clubhouse because Gisela would kill me if she knew I wasn’t in town and it would get back to her.”
“Since when do you give a shit about what your attorney thinks?” Kaz’s voice was icy and unemotional.
“Well, we have a history and…I am trying to get back together with her—”
“Dizzy would kill you. She’s Raymond’s daughter and Drake’s sister. The Jackson family is despised by the LS so why would you put that poor woman’s life at risk?”
“None of your business. Listen, can I crash here? I can look after your beautiful fiancée. She tells me she’s pregnant with a wee one. Congrats—”
“No.”
“I think you’re being irrational, Kaz.” Sydney stood and walked over to the bar where she grabbed a bottle of Evian. “You already run every part of my life. I have already told Cillian he could stay. What difference does it make? You won’t be here.”
Kaz’s aquamarine eyes glared at Syd before he grabbed her by the arm and frog-marched her up the stairs. She didn’t break away until they arrived into the privacy of their suite.
“What is wrong with you?” she questioned out loud, tears flowing down her cheeks. “Why are you pushing me away and treating me like shit? What have I done to deserve this from you? What is happening between us and why are you creating drama just to drive us away? Is it the baby? Do I need to get rid of it because if we aren’t going to be together then I am not having this child. I’m not Talia.”
Kaz saw red and slapped Syd across the face.
The scarlet mark his hand left had her clasping her cheek. “What. The. Fuck? Are you losin’ your goddamn mind? What the hell has gotten into you?”
“Don’t you ever threaten to get rid of my baby. You don’t want to be with me then stay until the baby is born and get the fuck out. Be like your real father and flee. You’re good at that, aren’t you?”
Her gray-blue eyes stared at back him. “Is that what you want? Do you not want to be with me any longer? If that’s what you’re tryin’ to say then spit it out already!”
He didn’t bother to look at her as he whispered, “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
Kaz walked to his closet, grabbed an overnight bag and threw a few pairs of jeans and t-shirts inside before he collapsed to the floor and began to sob quietly.
How could he have struck her? What kind of man hit a woman and was so fucking cavalier about it? He would never erase the look on her face when she’d grabbed her cheek and glared at him like he was a monster.
Would he ever escape his own demons and was that the real reason why he was pushing her away? She didn’t know him at all and what existed inside him was dark and ugly and no woman should have to be stuck permanently with him. He should let her go and Vegas would be the perfect way to cement that departure.
The only problem was he wasn’t sure he could truly let h
er go.
He’d told her an outright lie because he did know what he wanted and he never wanted to be apart from her.
However he knew he might have gone too far this time and it took everything in him to take off his engagement ring and set it on vanity table. She would have to be the one who would have to decide whether she wanted him back.
Chapter Five
Secrets And Lies
I WALKED TO the bathroom in a fog and cleaned myself up as best as I could.
The bright crimson mark on my cheek and the sting it’d left hurt me more emotionally than physically.
My breath came hard and fast as I began to cry gut-wrenching sobs. I never thought Kaz would ever touch me in a way that wasn’t loving.
Perhaps I was responsible because I’d threatened to kill his baby though I would have never been able to go through with it. I wanted to talk to him before he left but I couldn’t face him and be civil. It would never happen, not with the way I felt at that moment.
I rinsed my face with cold water, dried and applied a night moisturizer to my face before I added a light cover up to hide the bruise. I’d almost forgotten about Cillian downstairs and left the suite in haste.
Cillian had poured himself another drink and sat on the sofa in quiet contemplation.
“Hey, everythin’ all right, darlin’?”
His soft Irish brogue was actually quite sexy and I wondered how much time he’d spent over there to still have a slight trace.
“I thought you were born here, in the States.” I walked over and sat on the sofa next to him though I made sure there was more than enough space between us.
“Is that your way of asking about Kasper? He just left and he didn’t look well. Everything all right between you two, love?”
“Why don’t you answer my question first?”
Cillian smiled and arched one of his dark brows. “I was born here in the States but an adolescent romance got me in all kinds of trouble and I was sent to Belfast for five years. I stayed there from the age of fifteen to just shortly after my twentieth birthday. It was a nightmare and what I saw over there…well, killing people just didn’t bother me anymore and I developed this Northern Irish accent I can’t quite get rid of.”
I tucked my legs underneath my body and smiled though I felt the sting from Kaz’s slap. “Well, you seem like a guy with a very interesting history. What brings you around now?”
Cillian stared deeply into my eyes and the look he gave me seared the edges of my very soul. I didn’t like the way he made me feel because it was the same craving I’d endured from the moment I saw Kaz. It was confusing and exhilarating at the same time because as much as I loved Kaz—and I was in love with the man—it was nice to know I wasn’t dead yet. I still could feel an attraction for another member of the opposite sex, even if that person happened to be my fiancé’s half-brother.
“I see Kasper hasn’t been entirely honest with his new fiancée…but then again, he wouldn’t want you to run away. I’m sure he’s told you about the club and mentioned adamantly how he was never involved.” He laughed out loud as he stood and refreshed his Jack Daniels. “That wasn’t exactly the case. However, I don’t exactly feel I am at liberty to say what went down because honestly, he should tell you himself and if he hasn’t confessed all his sins to you yet, it’s probably for the best. Some secrets are better kept buried.”
“Not to me!” I exclaimed with more bite in my voice than I intended. “You might think I am some naïve rich girl without a brain but that’s not me at all. I admit it—at one time, I was shallow enough to be a Paris Hilton clone but not anymore. The tour definitely grew me up and I am ready and willing to hear everything about Kaz’s past but how can I if no one will tell me because they are too afraid they might damage me? I’m not made of glass you know.”
Cillian turned back to me and leaned against the bar before he swallowed a good portion of his JD. “I never said you were, darlin’. You’re not Talia but you’re a fighter and I know one when I see one.”
“Really? How is that? I am interested to know how you know so much about me when I don’t know a damn thing about you.”
He strolled over and took his seat on the sofa again. “We always check up on family, and when you marry a Cox, we have to make sure you don’t have any hidden agendas. For instance, we know Talia has a cousin who is in the Demon’s Bastards but she didn’t tell Jaden. It wasn’t because she was trying to be deceptive but because she genuinely wanted to keep the peace. I admire that about a woman. What good would it have done Jaden anyway? He’s a rock star, not a full-fledged member of the MC.”
This news took me by surprise by surprise but I did my best not to show it. “How did you know Kaz would be gone this weekend?”
Cillian’s crystal blue eyes met mine with reluctance. “I didn’t know he would be gone this weekend. I was hoping I could speak to him about an issue that isn’t club business but when he came home, he was much too upset to see me. Tell me, did he hit you?”
I grabbed my injured cheek and looked away with intense embarrassment. “He didn’t mean to hit me. I threatened to abort his kid so it was my own sorry fault. I knew he was on edge and I should have left him alone.”
He chuckled and his eyes bore into me so deeply, I wanted to disappear in between the cushions of the sofa.
“I swear, I am not one of those domestic violence victims making up excuses for a man who treats me like shit. Kaz has never hit me before and I have to believe it is the intense amount of stress he’s under at the moment. The group may sign a two year contract that would have us moving to Vegas after they finish their album and the thought scares me to death. I’ve already experienced so much upheaval in my short life…I’m not ready to move again but my opinion means shit—absolutely nothing as far as he’s concerned.”
Cillian leaned over and placed his elbows on his knees while those gorgeous blue eyes never left mine. “Kaz does love you, Syd, and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you but that slap was out of line. You’re not an old lady and while I don’t condone it in those circumstances either, I can understand why it happens.
“The club deals with shady people and sometimes they want to hurt us. My case is a prime example. I can’t have my old lady around right now because I am accused of murdering a Federal agent in cold blood and that simply isn’t true. I might have killed someone but he was undercover and would have taken my life if I hadn’t taken his.”
I didn’t know exactly what to say to this because Kaz hadn’t told me anything about his life before Scarlet Fever. I knew a few tidbits of his childhood but there was a huge gap in his life that was missing and he wouldn’t divulge any information about it to me.
“Does this have anything to do with…why you shouldn’t be here at all? I mean, you haven’t put my life in danger by showing up here, have you?”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t dare do that to you when I know of your condition. I needed to speak to Kaz and since he’s made himself unavailable and it doesn’t look like you two have any live-in help, I really think I should stay until he gets back.”
“That won’t be necessary,” a male voice explained in a cold tone.
I looked up and met the brooding amber eyes of Jaden.
“How the hell did you get in my house?” I questioned indignantly as I stood to my feet and marched over to him out of sheer frustration and anger.
“Don’t you mean Kaz’s house?” He dangled a key in front of me before he pocketed it and glared from me to his brother. “I have always had a key if you must know. I heard through the grapevine my brother was in town and I wanted to make sure he knew he had a place to stay but it wouldn’t be here with our brother’s fiancée.”
Cillian stood and walked over with slow, measured steps. He had to be drunk after all the Jack Daniels he’d put away but he was just as quick on his feet now as he was when he’d come by stone-cold sober.
“Are you seriously going to tell me where I can
and can’t stay, you little selfish cunt? You aren’t even man enough to own up and claim the Mam of your little wee child but you talk to me like I am a piece of shit on the street? I am your older brother—not the other way around—and I’ll stay where I damn well please!”
Jaden’s complexion paled considerably and he actually looked afraid. “Cillian, life can’t be as simple for me as it is for you. I get it—you’re sick of Brianna and want to get rid of her in the worst way but don’t you think you are a bit cold the way you are going about it?”
“Don’t talk to me about gettin’ rid of old ladies when you’re still hangin’ on to your junkie ex. Fuck off Kaelan. I don’t need your advice and you’re not welcome here. In fact, do me a favor and go see Talia. The poor woman is miserable with worry about your no-good ass and if I had the balls, I would tell her not to shed one tear over you, ya miserable prick! It’s not my place though and she’s in love with you so I won’t crush her heart like that but when are you going to grow a pair and stop actin’ like Dad? Is that what you want your son to be like?”
Rock My Heart Page 4