Rock My Heart

by Selene Chardou

  They both watched in silence as he got on his bike, started it and took off down the circular driveway.

  Syd turned away and walked back into the house as Kaz walked to the rental and got in after he disengaged the alarm.

  There had to be some way for him to get through to her but even after all the advice Cillian had given him, he was lost, now more than ever.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The End of Us

  I FOLLOWED KAZ to the Hertz Rental office at LAX where he dropped off the SUV he’d rented. I should have gone with him inside but to be honest, after the euphoria of sleeping with Cillian, I had plunged back down to the cold, hard ground without a parachute and my whole world seemed to be falling apart.

  Part of me wanted that passion I knew Kaz was capable of showing but I knew he was afraid to show it after hitting me the previous Friday. He couldn’t be scared of his emotions because if he didn’t communicate them with me then how did I know he cared at all?

  Why did I suddenly feel like we were square dancing and it was one step forward yet two steps back? Now, I was the one who was cold and aloof. I hated how my feelings had changed because underneath it all, I still loved this man. He was the air that I breathed and I wanted us to be so very happy together. We were expecting a baby but all I could think about was that this pregnancy couldn’t have come at a worse time.

  There was too much we had to sort through first and God knows we didn’t need to bring a child into this mess we’d both helped to create.

  I blamed myself more than Kaz because he never hid who he was; sure he may have omitted parts about his past but if I were honest with myself, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it anyway. Part of me wanted to believe in happily-ever-after and love without conflict or angst but that wasn’t real life.

  Real life was ugly and painful and I realized I could still love Kaz even when he disappointed and irritated the hell out of me. I still had to love myself too and care about my wellbeing and now, a child’s. Could I walk away even though my heart and mind told me I was being a coward? I knew I should fight and I needed to stay because I didn’t want to end up like my mother and the best part of the situation was I didn’t have to either. If I left, it was because I was too damn stubborn to compromise and that wouldn’t be anyone else’s fault but my own.

  Kaz climbed into the Escalade and I didn’t realize I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles had gone white.

  “Babe, you okay?” he questioned as he looked at my hands and then his gorgeous aquamarine eyes drifted my way.

  “Yes, I am.” I started the SUV and pulled out of the parking lot.

  There was complete and utter silence between us until we got on the freeway and I navigated slowly through the parking lot that happened to be the 405.

  “So, how was your trip to Vegas? You were so tired this morning, you didn’t get a chance to tell me what happened.”

  The radio played low in the background and if I had to hear “Payphone” by Maroon 5 one more time, I would scream. It always reminded me of how terrible I was acting toward Kaz and vice versa.

  “Well, the contracts have been signed and starting December of this year, we’ll have a two year gig at the Vogue Hotel & Casino. Three times per week with holiday time included of course,” he explained in an excited voice. “It’s a great opportunity because Chyna Bleu also signed a similar contract. We trade off days of the week. Tuesdays are held open for special performers or when no performers are scheduled but it’s a great deal.”

  “The contract must be fabulous if you signed it and everyone thought it would be okay, including Dominic at Introspect Records.”

  “Hell, they’re thrilled. Dom’s already spoken with the owner of Vogue Hotel, Rory Krieger. They are thinking about doing an exclusive deal between the casino and the record company.”

  I didn’t want to damper his enthusiasm but it had to be said.

  “I can’t move to Las Vegas.”

  Kaz was quiet for a moment. “What do you mean you can’t move to Las Vegas?”

  “I don’t want to move to Las Vegas and I think this is a great time for us to maybe take a break. It’s obvious we moved too fast and you’re not ready for all of this yet again so soon.” I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “I think it’s great you were offered this deal in Vegas and I wouldn’t ever want you to turn it down but I want to stay here for now because it’s where all my friends are and I don’t feel like starting over again.”

  “You can make new friends, Syd. You’re not starting over and Vegas is only a forty-five minute plane ride from your friends—two who are actually making the move there with their spouses.”

  “Yes, I know that but I’m very close with Talia and I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t see her.”

  “Is that why you cheated on me with my brother? Was that your way of pushing me away? Furthermore, what are you talking about when you say I’m not ready for this? Ready for what exactly? You being my wife? Another child? I’m a bit confused as to why you’ve had this change of heart.”

  I didn’t miss the bite in his tone but it didn’t deter me.

  “There was never a change of heart, Kaz. You never asked me how I felt and you never discussed this deal with me until after the fact. I was an afterthought, someone you just assumed would accompany you because I am pregnant with your child and your fiancé. Newsflash, sweetheart, you’re the one who changed the dynamics when you callously threw your ring on the bureau and walked away.”

  I sighed and tried to slow down the beating of my heart. “Perhaps you’re not ready to share your life with other people or have a family. Two people in a relationship have to communicate and there must be compromise. Why is it in our situation, the only person doing the compromising is me?”

  “Because this is my career, Sydney!” Kaz finally exclaimed with anger in his tone though he managed to keep his voice down. “You knew what you were signing up for when you went on tour with me and agreed to marry me. Why are you acting like what I am asking of you is such a hardship? I didn’t force you to get a job—you wanted one—and I have given you everything your heart has desired—even permission to fuck another man even though I was appalled by your behavior.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair before he looked my way and I tried to focus straight ahead on traffic. “What exactly do you want from me because I can’t give you anything if I don’t know what it is you’re missing. I know what I did Friday night was beyond the pale—I shouldn’t have hit you and I’m so sorry I did. If I could take it back, I would. But you have to understand where I’m coming from—the stress I’m under is of epic proportions. I’m responsible for you and the band and Jaden, who can’t seem to make up his fucking mind about anything anymore. I am also worried about you…and lately, you have been trying to break away from me as if you want freedom but don’t you understand you already have it?”

  I could feel a headache coming on and I was tired of fighting with Kaz. “I’m not going and to be honest, I really don’t feel like I have to justify myself to you.”

  “Then there is no you and I, Sydney.”

  He’d said it, not me, but the result was just the same.

  “I don’t want to do the long distance thing with you. I would have done it for the tour because I know how stressful they can be but I refuse to do it for two years. I want a woman by my side and I need to know that I can depend on you. Right now, you aren’t giving me anything to hold on to…what am I supposed to think? It sounds like you don’t love me but merely were infatuated with me and now that your interest in me has worn off, you’re ready to move on.”

  The tears burned my eyes and I tried to concentrate on driving but Kaz had said his piece and all I wanted to do was crawl inside a dark hole and hide because I did love him, couldn’t he see that?

  The stubborn bastard couldn’t say it even now.

  All I needed him to say was to ask me to go with him to Vegas. If h
e had just said the magic words then none of us this would be happening. The bastard still wouldn’t ask me and when push came to shove, he accused me of using him and considering him a passing fancy. That couldn’t be further from the truth but what did he care?

  It wasn’t reality that mattered to Kaz but his perception of it that counted.

  “That’s not true!” I finally exclaimed after a prolonged silence. “Why can’t you just ask me to come with you? Is it truly that hard?”

  Kaz breathed loudly but it was more out of defeat than anger. “Would you go even if I’d consulted you? I think you’re using this as an excuse to leave me. You’re an adult and I can’t stop you but if you believe I am going to forget about my son then you have another think coming. We will split custody and I won’t be shut out of his life the way Damira has shut me out of Xander’s.”

  “You know I would never do that, Kaz.”

  “Yes, you would. You were hoping I would just forget about my son the way you want me to forget about you. But I’m telling you right now that isn’t going to happen.”

  I hated how well he knew me because I was hoping he’d forget about our child. Not because I didn’t think he wouldn’t love our baby but because I knew I would be better off on my own. In the end, I was my mother’s daughter after all.

  I don’t know how I managed to get us home in one piece but I did and when I finally stopped the Escalade, I stepped out and ran into the house. I needed to get away from him as fast as possible and that meant just grabbing a bag, stuffing it with a few choice items and leaving the same way I came.

  Kaz tried to stop me by grabbing my wrist. “Syd, please, let’s talk about this. If it means that much to you then I will see what I can do about breaking the contract. Please don’t leave like this. We can work it out. We’ve always been able to talk to one another. What’s wrong with you?”

  Although my lips moved, no words came out. There were so many issues I could have addressed but I acted like a spoiled bitch, snatched my wrist from his grasp and ran down the stairs.

  To hell with the consequences. I didn’t need him and it was obvious all I was to him was a nice piece of arm candy he could order around. I wasn’t that stupid, naïve little girl who’d come on to him at my birthday party. Being around him had made me grow up and become a woman and I knew what I wanted. What I didn’t want was to be treated like some vacuous bimbo who needed him because he had money. I had plenty of my own and would never be dependent on a man.

  Love sucked and I’d fallen head over heels for the man who had destroyed my ability to feel it for anyone else.

  We weren’t meant to be together and since there was no talking anything over, we were through.

  I’d killed it.

  There wasn’t going to be any more talk of “Kaz and Syd” because we were over, done, dusted; finito, ferdige, fini, finished, no fucking more.

  This was, officially, the end of us.

  Part Two

  The Heart Heals

  Seven Months Later

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Last Goodbye

  KAZ HELD HIS son, Kasper Cillian Landvik-Gillian, and couldn’t believe how gorgeous and precious he was. He was only seven weeks old but he still marveled at the sight of him every day because he was now old enough to appreciate the beauty and fragility of life.

  So many milestones had passed and now that it was almost the end of November, he had less than two weeks before he left for Vegas and Scarlet Fever began their contract with Vogue Hotel, Spa & Casino.

  He’d already purchased a beautiful home in the community of Lake Las Vegas, where the superstars who worked the Vegas circuit and the mega-rich in general, owned mansions with gorgeous views of a large man-made lake.

  He had everything a man could want except the stubborn woman who’d left him seven months previously the same day she’d fucked his half-brother.

  That alone should have had him beyond upset but all he wanted in life was stability, a family and a woman to complete his many gifts. He refused to be like Jaden who still snuck around and continued to lead Faith on while he’d pretty much committed to Talia but she hadn’t pushed him to make anything public because they both had too much to lose, she more than him at this point.

  Talia Viaro-Stewart, former songwriter for Introspect, was now the gorgeously tattooed lead singer of Winter’s Regret and had driven the group farther than they ever thought was possible. There was a bidding war in Vegas between Planet Hollywood and Caesars Palace for the group to sign a contract meanwhile they were planning a three month tour in the spring with Trilogy as their opening act.

  Meanwhile, both groups had released albums in the past couple of months and were both constantly battling it out for the number one and two positions on the Billboard pop chart.

  Scarlet Fever’s Nothing Lasts Forever was a brooding, hard rocking album about love and loss while Winter Regret’s Delusions of Lost Love was not only haunting but a beautiful album that music critics lauded as one of the best albums of the year and the band was featured yet again on the cover of Rolling Stone for their December issue.

  Talia had also given birth but her son, Kaelan Viaro-Stewart Cox, was four and a half months and she was very protective of him when it came to the press. She lived alone though Syd had purchased a house just down the street from her and the two were inseparable. She was now closer to Talia than she was Laurel or Sasha; Faith was an afterthought and the two women who’d been former best friends hadn’t spoken in almost a year.

  Kaz still had so much to do before he had to leave for Vegas, including numerous radio, television and magazine interviews but no matter where the day took him, he never forgot about that precious bundle Syd had carried for nine months and always stopped by her place to see him.

  It hadn’t been easy between the two and no matter how much he tried, there was nothing he could do to break through to her. He didn’t understand if she was punishing him or herself for what she did but she hadn’t thought of a man nor had she dated since they broke up.

  Syd and Talia either spent time together or she was photographed on her way to the gym, coming out of Starbucks or Whole Foods. She lived a fairly ordinary life and kept herself to herself.

  Edge of Entertainment, Fact or Fiction, US Magazine, In Touch, People and Society Magazine had a field’s day when rock n’ roll’s number one couple broke off their engagement. There were so many stories—some true, many of them false and fabricated—about the demise of the “golden couple”, they’d managed to turn their break up into one of the biggest news stories since the demise of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

  Kaz was far from stupid and knew she loved him just as much as he still loved her. If he could have reversed their past and took back the way he’d treated her, he would but it was all water under the bridge and the only way to move was forward.

  He kissed his son’s bald head and stared into his own eyes. Baby Kaz, as everyone called him, had crystal blue eyes with a hint of green surrounding his pupils. Eventually the green would spread and become the gorgeous aquamarine color of his father’s irises but he would be a towhead blond judging by his bald head, which had sprouted only the finest amount of peach fuzz the color of blond so light, it looked almost white.

  Kaz teased his son as he held him up, careful to support his neck and head. “No one ever bothered to tell us how strong those Norwegian genes were, did they?”

  “Especially since he’s only a quarter. Grandpapa insists on speaking to him in Norwegian though because he said that it’s a family tradition that should never be lost.”

  Syd walked into the nursery and gently grabbed the baby from Kaz’s arms. He sat down on one of twin ottoman chairs she’d arranged in Baby Kaz’s bedroom suite and undid her top before she popped a boob in his mouth. He latched on quickly and began to drain her as if it were his last meal.

  She more or less looked the same though pregnancy had agreed with her and just seven weeks after giving
birth, she was thinner than she was when they were together. A bit too thin for his taste but her double-Ds made up for the weight she lacked in other areas.

  Everything about Baby Kaz’s upbringing would be natural according to Syd, whether Kaz wanted a say in it or not. Her mother and grandfather had come out to visit her for two weeks but before they’d done so, they’d arranged a shipment of fish and other various products to be delivered to her directly from the source.

  Her chef was French and everything he made for her was natural yet rich in calories because she needed them to keep up her milk production for Baby Kaz. Apparently, he loved his mother’s breasts as much as his father did, if not more.