by S. Moose
“Bayleigh Murphy,” a nurse calls for me.
“Are you ready?” I smile and nod. Getting up from my chair, I place my hand on my flat stomach and smile again.
“Here we go,” I whisper.
After being settled in the exam room and talking to the nurse and doctor, there are a few tests to complete and questions to answer.
“Sounds like everything is right on schedule,” Doctor Wells tells me. “So you’re almost twelve weeks along. Are you ready to hear your baby’s heartbeat?”
“Yes!” Mandy jumps out of her seat. “So ready!”
Laughing, I look at Mandy and tell her to be quiet. “We’ll be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat?”
“Yeah,” he smiles. Prepping me for the ultrasound, I stare at the screen and part of me imagines Tyler here, holding my hand, instead of Mandy.
“Should be right,” he starts to say, moving around the tool on my stomach. “Now.”
A thumping noise fills the room. My baby is on the screen and I’m listening to his or her heartbeat. Happiness and love fill my heart. Turning my head to face the black screen with a little blob moving I realize that’s my baby. My baby has a strong heartbeat. Tears fill my eyes. This is the best day.
“Baby,” I whisper. “Hi.”
“Oh,” Mandy covers her mouth and holds her phone. “I have to record this.”
Reaching over, I touch the screen. “Hi,” I say again.
“Everything looks great. Baby’s heartbeat is strong and growth is right on schedule. Keep doing what you’re doing. Now any indications of pain or bleeding please be sure to come right here or go straight to the hospital.”
“I mean, I’m having some cramps and getting headaches. My sickness is really bad too. I know this is my first pregnancy so maybe my body is adjusting?”
He looks at me and then back at the screen. “Well, I am concerned. Your vitals are coming back normal and I don’t see anything else wrong. I’d like you to come back in about three weeks so we can see how things are.” I nod. “Okay, keep monitoring the pain and if it worsens, I need you to come back.”
“Sounds good. Thank you Doctor.”
Leaving the doctor’s office to head home, I’m on cloud nine. Everything looks good with baby and I’m feeling better. I want this baby to have the best life and now hearing his or her heartbeat, I know what I’ll need to do.
Mandy drops me off and I wave bye to her. Looking at Tyler’s house, I’m about to cross my driveway to get to his when I see Serena walking out with a bag over her shoulder. She’s talking to Tyler, touching his arm, and they’re both laughing. Not wanting to stay to watch, I turn around and head back inside.
Slouching on the couch, my hands are on my stomach again. Even though telling Tyler is the right thing, I can’t now, not after what I saw. He tells me Serena’s a friend, but they’re too close. She’s beautiful and he’s single. I told him to find someone who’ll love him and make him happy.
“Looks like it’ll just be us, baby.” I rub my stomach. “We won’t be alone. You’ll have your crazy and loving Aunt Mandy, and Uncle Damon. Seth will be around too. Maybe he’ll want you to call him Uncle Seth. There’s going to be so many people who’ll love you like grandma and grandpa. They don’t know about you yet. But they will. They’re with your other grandma in Colorado. I wish you could meet your Uncle Ryan.” I wipe tears from my eyes. “I bet you he’s smiling down on us now,” I whisper. “Can you feel that?” I close my eyes and tilt my head back. “Ryan, we heard your nephew or niece’s heartbeat today. It’s so strong and the doctor said everything is going well.”
My baby will have a wonderful and loving life. He or she will always know love and what it’s like to have dreams and I’ll be there every step of the way.
Tyler
I’M STARING OUT from my porch, waiting for her to come to her parents’ house. Looking at the time on my watch, I count down until she’s here. Keeping myself busy with another journal entry, I look at the words I’ve written.
Another day without you. I think about how it feels to feel you underneath me and it’s driving me crazy not to touch you. You’re pushing me away again and I get it. I do. I wish we could start over and forget about the past.
This journal holds my heart and I plan to give it to her soon. I’m not sure when, but I’ll know when it’ll be the right time.
Seeing her car pull in, I set down the journal and race over just in time to open her car door.
“Jesus,” she yells. “What the hell, Tyler?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
I smirk and hold the door open, and watch her glaring eyes. It’s been a few days since we talked. I don’t believe her lame excuses about being busy anymore. She’s not slipping through my fingers again. I’ll chain her to my bed if I have to. The thought of chains, bed and Bayleigh leaves my dick hard and fuck, I’m dead.
Taking her bags from her hand, she tries to stop me, but I walk away and into her house. Our gazes meet when I open the door for her and I notice the dark circles under her eyes. She thinks she’s clever concealing her exhaustion and sadness with makeup. I hate myself for leaving her when she needed me and for fucking things up.
“You can leave the bags on the counter, and then you can go back out the same way you came in. I’m tired and all I want is to relax and not think about you.”
“When did you get feisty? Sexy as hell.” I walk up to her, watching the way she’s breathing, and I don’t miss the little soft moan that escapes her as I do. “What are you thinking about?” I whisper. “Are you thinking about my lips on yours?”
“No,” she responds and backs away until we’re leaning against the sink counter. Her pouty lips are full and all I can think about is our lips meeting and showing her how much I miss her.
Following her, I place my arms on the counter, caging her inside. Her eyes don’t leave mine and our faces are inches apart. “Don’t lie to me.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Tell me what you’re feeling.” I softly brush my lips on her cheek and pull back to see the desire in her eyes. “I’ll start. You drive me crazy. I think about you all the time. I dream about you and when I jack off it’s you I see and your name I moan out.”
“Oh,” she whispers. Her body trembles to my words. “I think about you a lot.” She admits and her cheeks turn pink.
“Good. You better think about me.” I smirk and back away from her. Sitting on a bar stool at the table. She puts things away and turns to look at me.
“We need to talk, Bay.”
“Even though I think about you it doesn’t mean I’m ready to talk yet. I’m not ready for all of this. You being here is confusing. How can I handle it?”
“You handle it because you want to. We have choices in life. Either you want me or you don’t. There’s no in-between.”
“I know I want you, Tyler. It’s not easy right now. I need space please.” I hear the sadness and anger in her voice. Her lower lip quivers and it’s taking everything in me to not pull her into my arms.
“I am here. Here! Right in front of you. All I want to do is talk. You can’t hide anymore.”
“I’m not hiding.”
“Then act like a human being. Someone who wants answers. I don’t get the sudden change. What the hell is wrong with you?”
She turns around and narrows her eyes at me. “A human being? Like you? You left when things got hard. You were awful to your brother. You weren’t there when I needed you or here for your mom. You come back thinking you can swoop in and take care of everything. News flash Tyler, you can’t. What’s done is done.”
“And every day I regret leaving. Do you think I wanted to be back in California? Away from my family? Away from you?” I scream and see her flinch. “Leaving is one of the biggest regrets I have. I know you know how it feels to be lost and confused. My mom is gone and my brother is dead. Who do I have left, Bayleigh?” My heart races, hearing her words in my head and stand
ing before her. “All I want is to feel something and talk to you. I need you to understand. I need you back in my life.”
“I don’t know how to make you feel the way you need to. Right now there’s nothing to talk about and I don’t want to be near you.”
All the air I have in my body is gone. I feel like I’ve been punched and my body is fighting to grasp onto something. Onto anything. “Bay please,” I reach out for her and she moves away from me. The look on her face shows me she wants me to fight, and it shows her disgust for me. And that look stops me. I pull back my arm and back away.
I’ve hurt her and the look she’s giving me shows she’ll never forgive me. When she looks away, and doesn’t give us a chance to talk, I lose it.
“Fine,” I scream, “whatever, Bay. I tried and I apologized over and over again. I’m not going to stand here and be belittled by you. I made mistakes and you did too. Don’t stand there acting like you’re perfect because we’ve both made mistakes. That’s part of life!”
“I need time . . .”
I stop her before she can finish talking. “That’s all it is with you. Time. You need time to figure out shit and I’m standing here alone and fighting when you have no idea what it’s like to fight. You just don’t know,” I sigh and walk away. Before I reach the door I turn back around, “Do you like being alone?”
“I’m not alone,” she mutters and looks away from me.
“Whatever, Bay.” My jaw grinds together and holds back my words. There’s more I can say. Only I know it won’t make a difference. No matter what I say, she’ll never listen or care. She’ll say the same things over again and it’ll leave both of us frustrated. I’ve tried for years. She was the biggest part of my life and now she’s a chapter I need to close.
An ache bursts in my heart, stealing the oxygen I need, blinding the reality I need to face. Everything with Bayleigh is withering away. Everything we’re feeling is real and we’ve lost.
“Maybe someday, right?” I walk away not saying anything else or hearing what she wants to say.
Bayleigh
IT’S FINALLY FRIDAY and I’m hanging out with Mandy. While she drinks wine, I have water with fruit. Sitting outside on a nice day feels good. The weather is whacky. It’s seventy degrees in the middle of November. Go figure.
“Okay, so I’m thinking that we should get these as favors. What do you think?”
I look at the picture of a mini Mason jar filled with jam. “Oh, this is different!”
“Yeah, I think so too. Damon and I love strawberry jam and it’s a summer wedding, so I think it’ll be great!”
“I’m going to be a blimp at your wedding. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Mandy smiles. “So Alice had to travel to Africa for work, “she sadly tells me. “Even though she and I aren’t close, I wish she were here. This is my special day. She sent me a gift card to Del Monte. Do you think you want to come with me?”
“Of course. And don’t worry about Alice. You know she loves you.”
“I know,” Mandy looks down, and then perks back up. “So I’m thinking instead of getting married in June, we push the wedding to March!”
“What?”
“Yeah, I have no problem doing it. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and the invitations haven’t gone out yet. So why not?”
“Because it’s March and you love summer. It’ll ruin everything,” I cry. “I hate being pregnant. I’m supposed to be here for you. You’re my best friend and you’re getting married. Now you’re worrying about my pregnant ass. I mean, we can’t even go to Vegas and you were looking forward to that trip. I ruin everything.”
Mandy brings me into her arms and rocks me like a baby. “Shh. I know those are the hormones and you’re having a tough time with this. It was Damon’s idea to push up the wedding. We love you, sweetie, and we want the best for you. Plus he wants to get married as soon as possible and start a life with me. So you being pregnant is a blessing.”
I sniff back the tears. “Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
“Okay fine,” I muster up a smile. “Let’s move it! We have a wedding to plan in less than four months!”
Heading back to my apartment, I lock the door and change into a long shirt and power up my Kindle. It’s been a long day and I want to relax and unwind right now. Lighting up a few candles, I head to the kitchen and turn on the Keurig for hot water. Maybe a cup of tea will help me relax.
Looking for relaxation tea I got from Teavana, I find the box and grab a mug from the cabinet.
Taking my cup of tea to the bedroom, I settle in bed with my Kindle and pull up the latest book I’ve been reading. The quiet apartment is nice and I have to admit I like being alone right now.
I’m not in the mood to be around anyone or talk. Sometimes when life gets too hectic, it’s nice to pull away and take a step back. Sipping on my tea, I sit up in bed and put down my Kindle. Placing my hand on my stomach, I look down and smile.
“So your heartbeat is strong and Doctor Wells says you’re doing well. He’s not too worried about the pain, but tells me to be careful and not stress out. Maybe we should tell your daddy that, huh?
I cry thinking about the other day. Seeing Serena with him and not being honest is killing me. I shouldn’t have been so mean to him. He has every right not to text me or try to see me. I didn’t handle it very well and now I have to deal with that.
“Mommy acted a little crazy when she saw Daddy. Do you know how much I love him, baby?” I smile, rubbing my stomach. I love talking to my baby. “Do you think I should text him and apologize?
I wait a few moments and decide to call him. Pressing his contact information, I wait for the call to connect. He answers on the third ring.
“Hey.” The response is clipped and short. “What’s up?”
I hate how casual he’s being. “Hi, I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.” I can hear voices in the background so I know he’s out. “I just wanted to apologize.”
“Yeah sure, no worries. We’re good. I’m out right now so I’ll talk to you later.”
“Oh yeah, okay sure. Have a good night.”
“Yeah, you too.”
Tyler
“A LITTLE HARSH, don’t you think?” Serena asks me. We’re out at Next Door Bar and Grill. I have to agree I was being an asshole. I’m so pissed about what happened between us. I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on her and I get it, then again I don’t get it. How can we be friends if she freaks out every time I try to talk to her or be there for her?
I needed a night away from Bayleigh and thinking about her. I’m losing my mind and I don’t know what else to do.
The next couple of hours pass before Serena and I go our separate ways. Getting in my car, I pull out my phone and see a few messages from Mandy.
Mandy: Hey are you busy?
Mandy: Damon surprised me with a bed and breakfast and I’m away until Sunday. I tried calling Bayleigh to see how she’s doing because she was really tired today. Can you go check on her? She isn’t answering
Fuck.
Me: Yeah. I have a spare so I’ll check on her . . . Is something wrong with her?
Mandy: I don’t know. Usually we talk, and yeah I saw her earlier today . . . I don’t know . . . Weird feeling
Me: We had a fight. I don’t want to bust through her door and find her okay then get in another screaming match with her
Mandy: Well first I didn’t know and second don’t fight with her . . . You know how she is
Me: I do and I’m sick of walking around on egg shells. Don’t my feelings matter? Don’t I deserve to know what’s going on?
Mandy: Yes . . . But give it time . . .
Me: Whatever. Yeah I’m on my way to her place
Mandy: Thank you!
When I get to her apartment, I contemplate what I’m really doing. She’s probably fine if Mandy saw her earlier. I hold the key between my fingers and stare at the door. She won’t want to see me, a
nd honestly, I don’t want to see her. Continuing to stare at her door I battle with my internal war building and let out a grown. Fuck it. Using the key, I open the door and follow the light to her bedroom. “Bay!” I yell before opening her door. A sharp tingle spreads through my body when I find her on the floor. Darting to her, I bend down and notice the dark circles under her eyes. Carefully lifting her up in my arms, I feel her shake as she releases a moan.
“No, put me down. I’m so tired.” Her body heat radiates into mine.
“Shh, I got you.” She’s burning up. I wonder how long she’s been on the floor. “You’re going to be okay.” She doesn’t respond.
Laying her down, I sit back and look at the damp shirt she has on. It’s riding up her body, showing her long legs and thighs.
Fuck.
Getting up, I go to her drawer and grab another shirt. Lifting the shirt over her head, I notice she’s not wearing a bra. Holy fucking hell. Taking one quick look at her, I throw the damp shirt on the floor and carefully put another shirt on her. The fantasy of taking her fills me.
Getting up, I head to the bathroom, grab washcloths, and run them under cool water. When I return, she’s lying on her right side, her hands tucked under her head and she looks peaceful. I touch her forehead, feel how hot she still is, and place a washcloth on her forehead.
A moan slips from her lips and she turns over on her back. Her hand rests on mine and a small smile comes over her face. I hope she knows I’m here, and I’m doing everything I can to make sure she’s okay.
Her hand moves into mine, entwining her fingers with mine, and she’s holding onto me, like she needs me. I don’t care if she has a fever and she’s delusional, this moment tells me not to give up.
Smoothing the washcloth against her face and feeling her heated face, I get up in search of medicine. Going through her cabinets, I finally find Tylenol and luckily, it’s liquid. Rushing back in with the medicine and cup of water I gently pick her up, put the medicine to her lips, and tip it back.