Well I congratulate that heavy Italian woman. She’s proved my theory.
She has?
Yes. You see the mummies of Djer and his women have never been found. Now that shrine to Osiris is of no interest to us. What is of interest is that around 1300 B.C. grave-robbing was becoming such a problem that the high priests had to take steps, because without his mummy a pharaoh’s not a god, he’s nothing. So they gathered up all the mummies they could and carried them off for reinterment to a secret chamber they’d dug across from Thebes, the present home of our missing mummies. That was my theory and now it’s been proved correct.
But what was the concubine’s arm doing out there all by itself?
Waiting for a heavy Italian woman’s thrusts and groans in the moonlight to make history. Despite the precautions taken by the high priests in 1300 B.C., chanting sacred texts while they slaughtered the workmen and so forth, some clever grave-robber must have found out about the new secret chamber. He was making away with a load of loot when the priests surprised him. He stuffed the concubine’s arm into a hole and covered it with a brick, intending to return for it later, but instead he was killed on the spot. So the secret was kept and that was that for three millennia, until your heavy Italian woman squarely faced the wall and revealed the truth to us.
Exhausted with excitement, Ziwar sank back on his pillows and crossed the concubine’s arm and the magnifying glass on his chest.
Now listen to this. If my calculations are correct there’ll be no less than thirty-three pharaohs in that chamber, not to mention their women and servants and cats. In short, the greatest mummy cache of all time.
He closed his eyes.
What a discovery. What a way to culminate my career. Now listen carefully, Cairo. I want you to go back there at once, alone, and dig behind the hole where the arm was. There has to be a shaft leading to the secret chamber. But just imagine it, thirty-three pharaohs. I’m going to have a lot of traveling to do, a great many eras to visit. This heavy Italian woman simply has no idea what her anal appetites will eventually contribute to our knowledge of ancient history.
She certainly doesn’t, murmured Cairo. Quite the opposite.
What makes you say that?
The present she gave me. A little monkey.
Menelik Ziwar opened his eyes. He looked disappointed.
A monkey? You let an Italian woman give you, an African, a monkey as a token of her esteem for your performance? Don’t you have any more self-respect than that?
An albino monkey, added Cairo mischievously. Pure white except for his genitals, which are bright aquamarine. He has an extraordinary trick of curling up on your shoulder into a little ball of white fluff, pretending to be asleep, his head and tail tucked away out of sight so that no one can see what kind of animal he is. But when you whisper his name he jumps to his feet on your shoulder and instantly whips into action.
Doing what?
Vigorously masturbating. And with both hands no less. It can be quite a surprise.
Menelik Ziwar smiled dryly.
What name does the little fellow go by?
Bongo.
The old scholar snorted at the bottom of the sarcophagus.
Well Bongo may be bright, Cairo, but all the same we have to find you another profession. I’m more convinced of it than ever. You’re just not taking life seriously enough.
Menelik Ziwar nodded with authority and closed his eyes. As the heavy Italian woman had done in the moonlight, he immediately began to snore.
On a dark night, having searched the desert around the tomb to be certain he was alone, Cairo Martyr removed the outer layer of bricks from the wall and started digging. He had only gone a few feet when his shovel broke through into space.
He widened the opening and held a candle inside. Ahead lay a shaft about three feet high and just wide enough for a man’s shoulders. He climbed in on his stomach.
The passage was packed with mummies on each side and the only way he could pass through them was by putting his face next to theirs, nose to nose and mouth to mouth. It might have been difficult to move at all if the shaft hadn’t sloped downward, allowing the weight of his body to push him through the mass.
He slid and gathered momentum, plummeting down and down for two or three hundred yards in a shower of bones and legs and arms, heads rolling after him, cats flattened under his chin. Abruptly the shaft opened into a chamber and he went crashing down to the bottom, smashing through rags and wooden cases and coming to rest in a suffocating cloud of debris.
When the dust had settled he lit a candle and lay in the stench, staring at the blackened walls and the mummies crowded everywhere in confusion, lying and standing and some on their heads grinning, others slouched against the walls holding on to the stones with shriveled hands. There were gold armchairs and gold sedan chairs, gold drinking cups and gold plates, jewels and necklaces and occasionally, sitting on top of a dusty head, the gold cobra headpiece that was the mark of a pharaoh.
Martyr raised his candle and saw a black square opening at the end of the long narrow chamber. He elbowed his way over to it and pushed through the opening, finding himself in another compartment exactly the same size and shape as the first, also crowded with mummies.
Martyr wiped the dust out of his eyes. What was that at the far end of this chamber? Another door?
Numbly he struggled on through a third compartment, a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, a seventh. Or had he lost count? The chambers were all identical. He started back, barely able to breathe in the stench.
In one of the doorways he paused to lean against a stone and think. Had there been a door at the other end of the original chamber? Did the compartments stretch in both directions? Could he find the way out again or would he have to stumble back and forth forever through the packed compartments of this subterranean train?
The light from his candle seemed suddenly weaker. Perhaps the lack of air was going to make him faint. Maybe he was already trapped on this immobile express train beside the Nile.
He giggled. Where was the express going?
To eternity of course. Here under the desert a party of pharaohs and their entourages were on a trip to eternity, and if only briefly he was joining them.
A mummy next to him stirred. Its shoulders were pinned between four or five other passengers and it looked exhausted.
Going far? asked Cairo.
All the way, whispered the mummy with a resigned expression.
Cairo giggled and nodded and pushed on through the compartment. A cat got in his way and he gave it a kick. The cat dissolved. He came to a royal gold-encased armchair that was blocking the aisle.
Excuse me, madame, he said, trying to elbow his way around the queen who sat stiffly on her throne with a haughty suggestion of a smile. She wore a large emerald on what once must have been an ample chest, now withered.
Cairo had an urge to touch one of her breasts. He did so and his fingers punched through the gold-encrusted rags into an empty cavity. He held his nose as the gases escaped and the queen’s smile faded. Her mouth fell open revealing bad teeth and only a stump of a tongue. Martyr laughed and pushed on down the train.
Guv’nor?
He stopped and turned. A mummy pressed into a corner was watching him, a small stooped man with a sorrowful face.
For some reason Cairo wasn’t surprised at the working-class English accent. The mummy certainly appeared to be no more than a common laborer, and in any case, if he’d spoken in ancient Egyptian there would have been no way to understand a word he said.
The mummy’s narrow concave chest suggested weak lungs, perhaps even tuberculosis. Definitely working class, thought Cairo, and treated no better then than now. The mummy abjectly touched his fingers to his forehead. He seemed to be trying to show respect.
Don’t mean to bother you, guv’nor, but could you spare a navvy a light? We don’t get many visitors down here.
Cairo lowered the candle in front of the mummy’s si
ckly face and saw him take a deep puff of something, slowly exhaling with a sigh. In your condition, thought Cairo, that’s not going to do you any good.
Ah that’s better, said the mummy. Thanks, guv. You can’t imagine how dull it gets down here. We used to keep each other company all right, but after a few centuries of carrying on no one had much to say anymore. Know what I mean? Down here the party ran out of conversation about three thousand years ago.
Cairo nodded.
And of course I didn’t buy this trip in the first place, they put me on it. I mean I can understand why a pharaoh would want to make the trip, being a god, but what’s in it for me? You can see how we’re packed in down here, the air already stifling and getting worse as time goes on, and you realize what kind of time we’re talking about.
The mummy looked down the chamber in disgust.
Like I said, guv, what’s in it for me? If you’re not a god what’s the sense of living forever? But they don’t care about that, they don’t care how you feel. One morning you happen to be sweeping up an antechamber, a room in the flat belonging to one of the king’s third-class concubines, strictly on temporary assignment and minding your business you are, when word comes down that the king has croaked and all of a sudden you’re a member of the royal funereal household and being hustled off in official mourning to be mummified. So here I am to no end, an endless no end, and all because I was doing my job one morning. It’s not fair and you can’t help feeling resentful.
Cairo nodded. The mummy made a face.
What’s more, guv, the high priests had it all wrong up there. The pharaoh dies and being a god they’re going to send him on his eternal trip. Right. But why do they assume he’d naturally like to have his queen and his playmates and servants on the trip with him? For company? Well they’re crazy. We’re packed in down here and there’s nothing natural about the situation at all. Did they really think we were going to tiptoe around serving him while the concubines flopped on their backs and the queen smiled and the cats did appreciative somersaults? Wrong. Dead wrong. Things don’t work that way. He may be a god and used to living forever but the rest of us are just tired to death of this trip of his. Tell the truth. Have you ever seen so many bored faces as you see down here?
Cairo shook his head.
Of course you haven’t. They all resent this trip as much as I do. There’s not a concubine here who’s even looked in his direction in three thousand years. Not a cat who’s done a tumble one way or the other, not a servant who’s lifted a finger. Why should we? He can play with himself for all the concubines care. As for the queen, you saw what happened when you gave her a poke. Nothing but foul gases inside and her teeth are going bad and she’s lost her tongue. Her smile was a fake, as you saw. In fact can you guess what it was that made her teeth go bad and withered her tongue down to a stump? That’s right, that’s the kind of king our Djer was and drinking all the time too. Her smile was always a fake. But now that Djer’s on his trip he can’t get even a little cup of drink to help him face the truth. He’s dry, as dry as I am, and you can’t imagine how dry that is. Well that’s some joke on him, but you’re not staying down here are you, guv? You’d be a fool to do that. You may think you’d like to live forever, but I can tell you this is no kind of a party to be in.
I’m lost, said Cairo. Where’s the exit?
Two cars forward. Look for a large sedan chair on the left, it’s right beneath the shaft. Put there a long time ago to serve as a stepladder. He must have caught his though, we never saw him again. Got away with my mistress’s right arm but not much else.
Thanks, said Cairo, I’ll be going. By the way, how many pharaohs are there down here?
Counting that lout I used to work for, thirty-three in all. And Egypt is well rid of their kind. They did nothing but watch us build monuments to them. Strictly thinking of themselves, and now on this trip that’s all they can do forever, and you wonder how satisfying that really is. Well good luck, guv.
The candle flickered. The mummy’s face drooped sorrowfully. Cairo waved from the end of the compartment and pushed his way to the sedan chair two cars forward. He lifted himself into the shaft and made the long climb back up through the arms and legs and detached heads, the clouds of dust, to the desert night.
The next morning he boarded a steamer down the Nile. But when the boat finally docked in Cairo on that clear spring day in 1914, when he rushed to the sepulcher beneath the public garden beside the river to deliver his spectacular news, he found an unfamiliar lid on the massive sarcophagus he had visited so often, a painted carving of Cheops’ mother in place of the dry crinkled smile he knew so well.
Menelik Ziwar, former slave and unique scholar and absentee discoverer of thirty-three pharaohs, had quietly died in his sleep leaving Cairo Martyr sole owner of the largest divine cache in history, a pantheon of ancient gods with which to avenge the injustices done to his people.
The last day of December 1921.
Snow flurries came and went outside the smudged windows of the Arab coffee shop where Cairo Martyr and Munk Szondi and O’Sullivan Beare were playing poker. They played into the evening and were still playing the following morning, having moved on at midnight to a curious apartment in the Moslem Quarter which the Irishman said belonged to a friend of his.
The apartment had two lofty vaulted rooms. The front room was empty save for an enormous bronze sundial set into the wall near the door, a set of chimes attached to it. In the back room where they played there was a tall narrow antique Turkish safe in one corner, a giant stone scarab with a sly smile on its face in another corner, and nothing else.
They recessed for a few hours on New Year’s Day and were back before twilight, sitting on the floor in their overcoats between the safe and the scarab, Martyr and Szondi wearing gloves, O’Sullivan Beare in mittens. It was almost as cold in the room as it was outside but no one seemed to notice it. Cairo Martyr had the deal. He turned to O’Sullivan Beare.
Who exactly is the friend of yours who owns this place?
Goes by the name of Haj Harun, said Joe. Formerly an antiquities dealer, now on permanent duty patrolling the Old City.
For what?
Possible invasion attempts. These days the Babylonians are worrying him but you can never be sure, tomorrow it could be the Romans or the Crusaders. Keeps a sharp eye out for them. Has to, he says. Knows what kind of havoc they can wreak in a Holy City.
How long has he been on patrol?
Almost three thousand years, answered Joe, studying his poker hand. Cairo smiled and examined the backs of his untouched, downfaced cards. He singled out one for discard.
Now it may be, said Joe, that you’re disinclined to believe me, about such an enormous period of time and all, a tour of duty lasting that long I mean. Many are those who have been disinclined over the millennia. In fact he says I’m the first person to believe in him in the last two thousand years, and how’s that for a streak of bad luck? I think I’ll be taking two don’t you know.
Cairo smiled more broadly and dealt the extra cards, three to Szondi and two to Joe and one to himself. He leaned down and patted the giant stone scarab on the nose.
Genuine?
Nothing but. Straight from the XVI Dynasty, according to the old article.
What old article?
Haj Harun, the great skin heretofore mentioned.
Is that a fact. Well why does the scarab have such a sly smile on its face?
Don’t know, do I. But my guess is the scarab must be in on a secret we’re not. Cunning piece of goods, no doubt about it. Jacks or better you said? Well I think I’ll just open with this tidy pile of authentic pounds sterling.
All at once the chimes attached to the sundial in the front room creaked noisily and began to strike. Cairo and Munk raised their heads, counting.
Twelve? asked Cairo. At six-thirty in the evening?
Pay no mind, said Joe. That sundial has a habit of sounding off when it pleases, disregarding the rest of
us. It loses track of the hours you see, due to darkness and cloudy days and so forth, and then it makes up for them later. Either that or the other way around, makes up for time beforehand so it can take a nap later on. Confusing, isn’t it. Those extra hours we just heard could be already past or yet to come, who’s to say.
Cairo nodded.
Was it a portable sundial once?
Strange you should be asking such a question because that’s exactly what it was. And a hugely heavy piece it must have been to the soul who was lugging it around. Why such crazed activity I couldn’t imagine.
Where did it come from originally?
Baghdad, I’m told. Some era called the fifth Abbasid caliphate, according to the old skin. That is to say, it must have played some role in the Thousand and One Nights, which just happens to be Haj Harun’s favorite collection of fancies. It was a present to him in the last century from a man who once rented this very room to write a study in.
O’Sullivan Beare smiled.
Haj Harun tried to tell me at first that the man only rented the room for an afternoon. But that didn’t seem likely, and then when I heard how big the study was I knew the old man was mixing up time again. More like a dozen years, it must have been.
Why? How big was the study?
Enough to fill a camel caravan that stretched halfway from here to Jaffa. When the gent finished his study, it seems, he packed it up in this camel caravan and sent it down to Jaffa, whence both caravan and manuscript were shipped to Venice to be on their way to publication somewhere in Europe. But here we are on New Year’s Day in Jerusalem and aren’t either of you two joining me in this interesting game of chance at hand?
Cairo Martyr laughed.
Strongbow’s portable sundial? Strongbow writing his thirty-three-volume study, Levantine Sex, in this very room? The hollow stone scarab Strongbow had later borrowed from someone in Jerusalem so Menelik Ziwar could use it to smuggle a set of the banned volumes into Egypt?
An uncommon setting, it struck him, for a poker game in the Holy City.
Sinai Tapestry (The Jerusalem Quartet Book 1) Page 35