by Ilsa Evans
She tried ringing Sam, and then Ashley. Over and over and over. But each time the call went straight to the automated message announcing that the person was unavailable. She soon hated that voice. Hated the robotic smugness, hated the non-negotiable anonymity, hated him for using it to punish her. He who giveth, also taketh away. But by Sunday evening she had moved beyond the stomach-clenching anger of Friday, the frustration of Saturday. By Sunday evening it felt like the extremities of her punishment were fading, with only hours before she was back at work, speaking to Robyn, finding out what she could do. And it felt like a prison sentence that was finally drawing to a close.
She rang Robyn on the dot of nine o’clock, standing outside the back door at work with her mobile pressed to her ear. Crossing her fingers that the lawyer was available. Waiting impatiently for the receptionist to transfer her call.
‘Hello, Robyn Leslie speaking.’
‘Robyn, it’s Maddie McCourt, we met last week.’ Maddie was aware she was speaking too fast so she took a breath, slowed herself down. ‘You served my ex with a variation of interim orders on Friday.’
‘Maddie! Of course I remember. What’s up?’
Maddie hesitated, the warmth of Robyn’s voice bringing sudden, unexpected tears to her eyes. ‘Um, he didn’t drop the kids off. On Friday. He got served early and got angry so he took them away for the weekend. And took their phones off them so I couldn’t even speak to them.’
‘Christ,’ snapped Robyn, all warmth gone. ‘What is it with this sort of crap?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose he’s trying to punish me.’
‘Obviously. So how’re you holding up?’
Maddie wiped her eyes roughly with her free hand. ‘Okay, I guess. Just . . . frustrated.’
‘Don’t blame you.’
‘But I want to see them. What can I do?’
Robyn sighed, quite audibly. ‘Interesting question. And the short answer is – not much. Unfortunately this isn’t unusual. But we’re back on his time now and there’s no good trying to play tit for tat, not with a court case coming up.’
‘So . . . I do nothing?’
‘Not quite. You come in here at some stage today, the earlier the better, and fill out an affidavit detailing exactly what happened. I’ll let the desk know you’re coming if I’m out. Then I’ll file a contravention application ASAP and with a bit of luck we’ll get it included on the existing court date. And, Maddie, I know it’s hard but you have to look on the bright side.’
‘The bright side?’
‘Yes, he’s digging his own grave.’
‘Oh,’ Maddie closed her eyes and then opened them again to see sunlight filtering through the pine tree by the main community centre, flickering drunkenly when it reached the ground.
‘Maddie? Are you there?’
‘Yes. Okay.’ Maddie adjusted the phone, tucking it in tighter. ‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘Excellent. See you then.’
Maddie lowered the phone, pressing End but not moving. Watching the shadows underneath the pine, trying to recapture the optimism that had infected her throughout the preceding week. Going through everything bit by bit. The windfall, Robyn, university, the support group, the kids wanting to come home. Breathing each of them in, deeply, and sensing them making a difference. But still feeling weighed down by all that had happened, and all that yet had to be done.
It was a feeling that dogged her throughout the day, still present when she pulled into the driveway after work. She locked the car and then stood staring at the long grass that was rapidly getting out of hand. At this rate it would be too far gone to mow and she would have to hire someone to slash it first. Maddie sighed, more glum than cross, and made a mental note to call the mower repair shop. At the very least they should be able to lend her something. She pulled the mail from the letterbox and checked it as she walked up into the backyard, keeping her eyes averted from the grass there. Electricity bill, rental receipt, dental reminder for Ashley. And a letter from the tax office. She paused by the porch and tore this last one open, not terribly surprised to find a notification that they were investigating her tax situation. Jake must have contacted them almost immediately, and she was quite sure an investigation by the child support agency would follow, as well as any other bureaucracies he had been able to think of.
She stared at the letter, frustrated more by the ease with which he could harass her than the investigation itself. Then she made a conscious decision to file this, and any similar letters to follow, somewhere safe until after custody was sorted. It was simply too much, right now, and she had to prioritise for everyone’s sake. Including her own. Maddie folded the letter over and slipped all the mail into her handbag before she unlocked the back door. Swinging it open, waiting for Guess to push his way through, momentarily surprised when he didn’t.
‘Guess?’ Maddie pushed the door open even further and the first thing she saw, because it was lying on the floor right by the kitchen table, was the school bag. She stared, stunned, the implications buffeted by a rapidly mushrooming delight.
‘Boo!’ yelled Ashley, jumping out from behind the door, grinning stupidly.
‘Ash!’ Maddie grabbed her and hugged her and then thrust her away. ‘You do realise that if I hadn’t seen that bag, I probably would’ve had a heart attack when you did that? Hey?’
‘And I would have visited you in hospital.’ Ashley did a little jig of excitement, Guess leaping up beside her with his tail whipping through the air.
‘That would have been a bit hard if I was dead.’
‘Graveyard then.’ Ashley kicked her bag out of the way so that she could pull out her usual chair, sit down. Her smile disappeared. ‘Can I stay? Please?’
Maddie put her handbag down on the table, staring at her daughter. ‘What’s happened?’
‘You know. Dad went crazy. I just don’t want to be there any more.’
‘Anything else?’
‘Isn’t that enough?’
‘Well, does anyone know you’re here?’ Maddie waited for Ashley to shake her head and then she reached out, ran a hand gently through her daughter’s hair. It was up in the high ponytail again, with curving tendrils on either side of her face, making her look both older and younger at the same time. Maddie took a deep breath quietly and let it out again, wondering about the ramifications, and whether it was only going to make things worse. She crossed to the stove and put the kettle on, getting out mugs from the cupboard.
‘You didn’t see him, Mum, especially in the car. He went nuts.’
With her back to Ashley, Maddie smiled flatly, knowingly. She spooned Milo and sugar into the mugs and got out the milk.
‘And before we went he punched this wall, put a huge hole in it.’
Maddie poured hot water into the mugs and brought them over to the table. Guess brushed past her legs and walked over to his bowl, looking back hopefully.
‘Like there was plaster stuff just hanging there. You could see inside.’
‘Okay.’ Maddie put Ashley’s hot chocolate in front of her and then sat down, wrapping her hands around her own mug. ‘You’d better tell me what happened, from start to finish.’
Ashley nodded eagerly. ‘Well, first we got home from school and there was no one there and that was fine so we just got some stuff together for here. Then Dad and Natalie came home together, in his car. Early. And he brought KFC for a treat, a whole big bucket full. Then this guy came to the door and Dad went berserk.’
Maddie waited for a moment. ‘Um, well yes, that’s the bit I want to hear about.’
‘Sure, okay. Well, I didn’t actually see him coz I was eating but Dad talked to him for a while and then came back with this big envelope. And Natalie started getting all jittery like.’ Ashley paused to roll her eyes and shake her hands as if she was fitting. Maddie had to swallow a sudden, unexpected laugh. ‘So Dad stood over by the bench reading through this stuff, and he kept saying . . . can I say what he said?’
‘No.’
‘Then how are you going to know exactly what happened?’
‘I’ll use my imagination.’
‘Whatever.’ Ashley shrugged, clearly disappointed. ‘So anyway he swore. A lot. Called you some really bad names, and Sam and I were just looking at each other and thinking sh-iit. Well, we were!’
‘I believe you.’ Maddie squeezed her hands, feeling the heat from the mug seep through. ‘Did he say anything particular though? Anything I really should know?’
Ashley chewed her bottom lip, thinking. ‘He did start going on about someone called Hilda something or other. Like, he was saying, “Hilda whatever! Who the F is Hilda whatever!” Except he didn’t just say F.’
‘Hilda Kaltenbrunner?’
‘That’s it! Sam thought she might be someone who lived near us when we were in the unit?’
Maddie nodded. Knowing that Hilda’s affidavit, attached to the service papers, would have been enough, just by itself, to send Jake off the deep end. Because he would have instantly known how damaging it was.
‘And something about something being supervised. He goes: “F that for a joke!” Oh, but the real killer was the house.’ Ashley frowned, grimaced. ‘Did you ask for something about the house? His house?’
Maddie nodded slowly, the insects awakening within.
‘God Mum! You should have known that’d set him off! Coz that’s when he punched the wall in the kitchen and then yelled at us to get the F in the car. So we did but like we could still hear him screaming at Natalie, so Sam says, “C’mon, quick, let’s walk around to Mum’s”.’ Ashley paused to take a sip of hot chocolate. ‘So we start getting out of the car but then they come out and Dad goes, “What the F do you think you’re doing?” So we all get back in and drive down to Yea.’
‘What happened to Sam’s phone? When I rang?’
‘Oh, Dad bashed it on to the steering wheel. Like this.’ Ashley made a sudden thrusting motion with her fist, as if wielding a hammer. ‘Then he threw it at Natalie and told her to put it in her fing bag. And he took mine too, and won’t give it back.’
‘He just doesn’t want you to ring me.’
‘I don’t care!’ Ashley frowned, instantly angry. ‘It’s mine! Like you can’t give someone something and then just take it away. That’s not fair!’
‘I’ll alert the authorities,’ said Maddie dryly. ‘But first let’s get back on track. What happened over the weekend? With your grandmother and all?’
‘Oh, that was fine.’ Ashley waved a hand airily. ‘Like Gran won’t let Dad go stupid. But we kept getting sent away and they had lots of conversations in the kitchen. Auntie Dana came around and they were whispering, looking at the papers. I don’t think they like you much.’
‘No, I don’t expect they do.’
Ashley took a sip of hot chocolate, staring at her mother over the brim. ‘Mum, I don’t want to go back. It’s like before, but worse. Having to be careful what you say before you say it.’
‘I know.’
‘And he drinks all the time too. I hate it. So can I stay?’
Maddie closed her eyes, needing obscurity for a moment. When she opened them Ashley was still watching her, but now there was a slight difference. A brittle wariness. As if her mother’s failure to instantly reply had been an answer in itself.
‘Not fair,’ said Ashley, her bottom lip pushing upwards as it had when she was little.
‘Listen, Ash.’ Maddie reached out, snared her daughter’s hand. Held it tight even as Ashley tried to pull loose. ‘It’s not for much longer, I promise. I’m doing everything I can. But if we make a wrong move now, like this, then we could wreck everything.’
‘Whatever.’
‘Hear me out.’ Maddie squeezed Ashley’s hand as the girl looked away, desperate for her to listen, understand. ‘One of the reasons everything went so horribly wrong at the court case, the first one, was that they said I’d alienated you guys from your father. And this here, if I let you stay, would be more of the same. Even me sitting here, talking to you, not ringing your father straightaway, it’s all risky. I would love, more than anything, to let you stay. But we’re so close now. Ash, we’ve got less than two weeks till the hearing, and this time everything is on our side. We’ve even got an appointment for a family report this Wednesday, where you can tell your side of everything. Do you understand?’
Ashley stared at the tabletop and then slowly lifted her head, looked at her mother. ‘Wednesday?’
Maddie nodded. ‘And they’ll speak to you, and Sam, and ask you what you want.’
‘So . . . I get a day off school?’
‘Yes, you get a day off school,’ Maddie grinned, relief blossoming. She straightened, letting go of Ashley’s hand.
Ashley moved her mug and then rang a finger through the thin chocolatey circle left behind. She stared at it and then dipped her finger in her mug and used it to draw on the table, within the circle. ‘Look, a smiley face.’
‘Extremely artistic. Good to know where your talents lie.’
‘I agree.’ Ashley wiped the points off the smile and turned it upside down. She stared at it for a moment and then pulled her jumper sleeve over her hand and wiped it clean. She looked up at her mother. ‘I do understand, it’s just I want . . .’
‘I know.’
Guess whimpered softly, coming over to the table to stare at Maddie as if disappointed with her decision. Ashley reached over to scratch him on the tailbone and the dog immediately stretched out his head, elongating his entire body.
‘And that lawyer guy should be contacting you again soon.’ Maddie tapped her fingers on the table to get Ashley’s attention. ‘But Ash, it is extremely important that you be upfront with him. Tell him everything that your father’s been doing. About how it’s made you feel. You know, scared, fearful.’ Maddie watched her carefully, maintaining eye contact. ‘Write it down if you think that’ll help you remember. This is your one chance.’
Ashley nodded, looking back down towards the dog. Guess was now working his back leg, as if it alone was running. She gave him one last scratch and then stood, quite suddenly, scraping her chair back. ‘May as well get it over and done with then. Dad’s probably not even home yet.’
‘All right.’ Maddie stayed where she was for a moment, watching Ashley sling her schoolbag over her shoulder. Loving the girl so much that it hurt. Then she got up, feeling old, grabbing her handbag and then wordlessly following Ashley outside to the car. She could hear Guess scrabbling at the back door, taken by surprise at the unexpected turn of events.
Maddie reversed out of the driveway and then drove instinctively, as her mind tried to find some topic that would break the silence without adding tension. Every so often she glanced across at her daughter, trying to read her expression. But the girl just gazed ahead, her profile unchanging.
‘Stop looking at me.’
‘I’m not,’ said Maddie automatically. ‘Well, I am. But only because I’m worried.’
Ashley shrugged. ‘Don’t worry about me. It’s Sam you should be worried about.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Only because he keeps getting himself into trouble with Dad. Like they had this big huge-ass argument last night, after I went to bed. And he didn’t even go to school today.’
Maddie had whipped around to stare at Ashley. Now she glanced at the road quickly and then back to her daughter. ‘Ash, why didn’t you tell me this before?’
‘Why? Would it have made any difference?’
‘Well . . .’ Maddie paused, turning to look ahead once more. ‘That’s not the point. Now tell me what happened.’
‘They just yelled at each other and stuff. I think coz Dad took us to Yea and not your place.’
‘But why didn’t Sam go to school today?’
‘Oh, just coz he can get away with it I expect. Have a day off.’
‘I see.’ Maddie drove in silence, strangely warmed by this news. More ammunition. And c
learly Jake wasn’t getting things all his way. Instead he was discovering that teenagers couldn’t be manipulated as easily as younger children, because at this age they bit back.
‘Hey, this is the street, Mum.’
Maddie braked quickly and turned right into Jake’s street, driving down until she reached his house and then pulling to the kerb, with heart suddenly throbbing as she checked the driveway for his car. It wasn’t there. She let her breath out audibly, and glanced at Ashley. Sharing a split-second of tacit understanding that, despite everything, felt snug, and warm, and precious.
Ashley kissed her mother. ‘Bye, Mum. See you soon.’
‘Bye honey.’ Maddie leant over as Ashley slid out of the car. ‘I love you.’
‘Love you too.’ Ashley closed the door and then looked both ways perfunctorily before jogging across the road with her bag bouncing against her back. She paused by the letterbox and turned to give her mother a brisk wave before setting off towards the house.
Maddie knew she should drive off now, quickly, before Jake got home, but she felt a strong need to actually watch until Ashley disappeared inside. As if that would guarantee her safety, even though, ironically, the opposite was probably more true. So she watched her daughter jog up the concrete driveway, her ponytail bobbing from side to side, and for a moment she was a little girl again. One who had been gone for years. A little girl called Courtney whose favourite outfit was a pink tulle tutu, always in need of a wash because she so rarely took it off. And Maddie’s eyes misted over because that little girl was so long gone, and also because she was still there. Leaving.
TWENTY-THREE
The window shattered at exactly twenty-three minutes past three in the morning. Maddie was able to be precise because she jerked upright in bed the moment it happened, staring at her clock as if somehow it could explain everything. Instantly wide awake, adrenalin surging. She could hear Guess barking now, from the lounge room, the pitch varying as he ran around excitedly. And she could also hear her heart, beating within like a prisoner trying to escape.