Adam didn’t care. He grabbed the whip out of Oscar’s hand and snapped it over the horse’s back just the same.
After what seemed an interminable time, they finally arrived at the house. Adam jumped out of the buggy before it was completely stopped, nearly falling in the process. Ignoring Oscar’s cry of alarm and the searing pain in his leg, he staggered into the house, bellowing for Sudie.
One of the maids, he didn’t even notice which one, met him in the hallway.
“Sudie say you should wait in the parlor, Massa,” she reported, but he brushed her aside and kept going, down the hall and through the house until he reached his bedroom door.
The door was closed tightly, but Adam threw it open, not certain what he expected to see. What he did see nearly stopped his heart.
Lori was on the bed, her hands tied to the headboard, her body hunched, and her beautiful face contorted in agony. Several slave women hovered over her, but none of them was doing a damn thing for her!
“Lori!” he cried, knowing he had to do something but not certain exactly what that might be.
The slave women all turned to face him, although Lori hadn’t seemed to hear him at all.
“What you doin’ in here, Massa?” Sudie demanded, closing on him with that look that used to mean he was going to get a licking. “Didn’t Effie tell you to stay in the parlor?”
“What’s going on? What’s the matter with her?” Adam demanded right back, terrified to see that Lori’s face was scarlet and sweating. Did she have a fever already?
“She havin’ a baby, and she don’t want no man around watchin’ her do it!” Sudie scolded him. “Now you get yourself out of here right now! Didn’t I teach you better manners than to go where you ain’t wanted?”
“Get him out of here!” Lori’s voice cried in near hysteria. “I don’t want him to see me like this!”
“ ’Course you don’t, sugar,” Sudie soothed, then turned back to Adam with an ugly glare. “Come on, right now!” Grabbing his arm, she hustled him back out into the hall and slammed the door shut behind them.
“What’s the matter with you?” she asked, glaring up at him as if he were still ten years old. “Don’t you know a birthin’ ain’t no place for a man?”
“She’s in pain,” Adam told her indignantly. “Why aren’t you doing something for her?”
“ ’Course she in pain. She havin’ a baby, and we doin’ everything we can,” Sudie insisted. “Now you just get yourself back to the parlor and sit yourself down to wait. That’s about all you can do right now.”
“I’ll send for the doctor,” Adam decided, knowing he wouldn’t just sit idly by.
“What for you do that?” Sudie scoffed. “By the time he get here, it be all over. I already done sent for her stepmother. Ain’t nothin’ no doctor can do that we can’t do just as good.”
She was probably right, but still... “Is she going to be all right, Sudie?” he asked as the terror gripped his heart, turning it cold as ice.
Sudie looked at him curiously, as if she’d just discovered something very interesting about him. “I can’t make no promises, Massa. I just do what I can.”
With that, she turned and went back inside, leaving him standing there gaping. And still completely terrified.
What was he going to do if something happened to Lori? How could he survive? And why in God’s name would he even want to?
***
Lori could no longer remember anything except the pain. It came and it went but it was the only thing left in her life. She couldn’t remember what had come before or even why she was here, suffering the torments of hell, and she was much too exhausted to even try.
The pain was starting again, coming on her in a wave that started as a tightening and ended in agony. Bessie was on one side of her and Sudie on the other. They were saying things to her, but she couldn’t understand them and didn’t have the strength to figure out what they were telling her to do. She only had strength for the pain and living through it until the next few moments, however brief, when it was gone again.
“You doin’ real good, Missy,” Sudie told her as she gasped for breath. She mopped Lori’s face with a cool rag that felt wonderful against her super-heated skin. Her nightdress clung wetly, soaked with her sweat. “I can see the head now.”
“Look at all that hair,” Bessie exclaimed.
“Once more now, Missy. Give us a push for all you’re worth!”
Lori would have cursed her, if she’d had the strength. She’d already been pushing for all she was worth for hours now. This was never going to end, not ever. She was going to die n agony.
Then the pain came again, swelling up inside of her on a crimson tide that seemed to envelop her. Vaguely, she could hear Bessie and Sudie urging her on as she strained against it.
“Get a blanket!” Sudie cried in the blissful seconds when the pain subsided, but before Lori was ready, it came again. Only this time when she pushed she felt release as the tiny body slipped from her.
“Looky here, Missy!” Sudie cried, lifting the small creature up for her to see. “You got yourself a boy!”
***
Only when he noticed that the room was dark did Adam realize how much time had passed since he had been summoned from the fields. Checking his watch, he calculated low long he’d been waiting without any word at all about Lori.
His dinner sat on a tray nearby, untouched and forgotten, and he’d sent Effie away when she’d tried to bring him supper, too. How much longer could this go on?
Not for the first time he considered storming back down the hall and demanding to know what was happening. Only when he remembered how Lori had screamed for him to leave the room did he hesitate.
For hours he had tortured himself with visions of her in pain, sick and pale with the life draining out of her. What would he do if she died? How would he go on?
He had no idea, and that terrified him. When had this happened to him? When had Lori become the most important thing in his life?
Because she was. He may only have realized it now that he was in danger of losing her, but he understood the truth of it as he had never understood anything else before. It didn’t make any sense, of course. She was nothing—not educated, not cultured, not even truly beautiful, and certainly not the kind of woman worthy of being his life’s partner. Bu somehow none of that mattered anymore. Because she was his life’s partner and the woman he wanted beside him until the day he died. Not just in his bed, either, but beside him to share every joy and sorrow that he would have to face in his allotted three-score-years-and-ten.
He no longer cared that she had loved Eric and had wanted his brother instead of him. He no longer cared that Eric had known her first or even that she carried Eric’s child. He could forgive her everything. He could forgive her anything if only she would live.
He paced around the parlor, savoring the pain in his leg, grateful for the distraction from the pain in his heart and the desperate fear in his soul. Finally the sound of a footstep in the hall caught his attention. He was halfway to the park door when Sudie appeared in the doorway.
“How is she?” he demanded before Sudie could open her mouth.
“She just fine,” Sudie assured him with a smile. “Her and the baby both fine.”
But Adam didn’t care about the baby, just so long as it was born and Lori’s suffering was over.
“Are you sure? She’s really all right?”
“I’s sure,” Sudie said with a grin.
“Can I see her now?” He couldn’t trust anything except his own eyes.
“I expect you can,” Sudie began, but he didn’t wait to hear what else she might have to tell him. He had already brushed past her and was heading down the hall.
The bedroom door stood ajar, and as eager as he was, he felt himself hesitate. What if she still didn’t want him to see her? What if Sudie had been lying to him? What if she was ill or dying? What if...?
The door swung open, and Bess
ie stood there, grinning up at him. “You go on in, Mr. Ross,” she told him.
Figuring that was all the invitation he needed, he stepped into the room, his gaze immediately finding Lori in the big bed they had shared these past few months.
He’d braced himself for just about anything, but he found her sitting propped up against the pillows and looking fresh and radiant and more beautiful than he had even remembered. Her hair had been brushed back from her face and was tied with a ribbon, and she wore a frilly nightdress. Her face was no longer red or sweating or contorted in agony. She might simply have been taking an afternoon rest. And then she smiled at him.
The smile was tentative, as if she feared his reaction, but Adam didn’t bother to wonder why she might. He was simply too relieved and grateful to see her alive and apparently well. He hurried over to the bed, not even bothering to disguise his limp. He opened his mouth to speak but found his throat was too tight to release any words just yet, so he contented himself with simply looking at her.
Vaguely, he was aware that Bessie had left, closing the door behind her, but he didn’t even spare her a glance.
“Adam,” Lori said, and he was amazed at how normal her voice sounded. “This is Matthew.”
Only then did he notice the bundle she held in her arms and which she had tilted up so he could see.
He glanced down and was surprised to see a tiny face nestled in the blanket. It was small and red and hideously ugly and crowned with a thick black fuzz of hair.
“Matthew?” he repeated stupidly, trying to comprehend what that meant. “It’s a boy,” he decided.
To his additional amazement, the tiny eyes snapped open at the sound of his voice and looked straight at him.
“Look,” Lori exclaimed happily. “He does recognize your voice!”
Adam was still sure that was impossible—probably the child was just responding to the deepness of Adam’s voice—but he still couldn’t seem to tear his gaze away from the child’s. Its eyes were so blue and were staring at him raptly, as if he couldn’t get enough of looking at Adam.
“Sit down,” Lori invited, patting the bed beside her with her free hand.
“Are you sure? I don’t want t ... to cause you any discomfort.” He spoke to Lori but kept looking at the baby who kept looking right back at him.
“Of course I’m sure,” Lori said, and Adam very carefully hoisted himself up onto the high mattress beside her. He turned to face her, pulling his bad leg up with both hands.
He wanted to hold her. He wanted to pull her into his arms and crush her to him and never let her go. But he also didn’t want to hurt her. And there was the baby to consider, too. He glanced back down to find it was still staring at him hungrily.
“Why is he looking at me?” Adam asked.
“Because he knows...” Lori hesitated a moment, but when he glanced up at her she hurried on. “Because he knows you’re his father.” Her mouth was smiling, but her eyes were shadowed, as if she were asking him a question and wasn’t sure of the answer.
But she should have been. Hadn’t he repeatedly assured her he would treat the child as if it were his own? But of course that had been before, back when the child was merely a possibility. Now it was a reality, lying in Lori’s arms. And she was waiting for him to accept that reality.
He somehow managed a smile, even though he felt the old twinges of jealousy over all that had happened in the past. But hadn’t he sworn none of that would matter if Lori survived? Hadn’t he bargained with God for her life using promises of his own? Promises that he would forgive and forget it all? And here was Lori, alive and apparently well at least for the moment, so he had a debt to repay.
He dropped his gaze to the child again. “He’s awfully small,” he observed, unable to think of anything kinder.
Lori laughed with apparent relief. “That’s how babies come,” she told him happily. “But he’ll grow. Isn’t he beautiful?”
Beautiful was not the word Adam would have chosen. He pretended to consider the question, instinctively reaching out to push the blanket back from the child’s face to get a closer look while he tried in vain to think of an appropriate reply. In the process, his finger brushed the child’s tiny hand, and instantly, the five even tinier fingers closed around his much larger one in a surprisingly fierce grip.
Adam gasped in surprise, and oddly, he felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, although why having a baby grab his finger should make him want to weep, he had no idea. Perhaps it was just a reaction from being so worried for so long and now being so relieved. But the child didn’t let go of his finger, and he also kept staring at Adam, as if he expected something from him.
Perhaps he did. Perhaps he understood in a way Adam would never understand just who Adam was to him. Perhaps he was trying in some primitive way to reach out to him. To win his heart. To make Adam accept him. Because if he didn’t...
A vision of a laughing twelve-year-old Eric standing over him as he writhed in agony flashed across Adam’s mind, and he knew he could never allow this child to become like Eric.
“I think he wants you to hold him,” Lori said, and Adam didn’t bother to question the logic of her assumption. Probably she wanted Adam to hold him, in hopes of fostering some sort of bond between them. In any case, he did not resist when she placed the child in the crook of his arm.
The baby still held his finger tightly, as if he was afraid to let go, and his large blue eyes continued to stare. When he blinked, he reminded Adam of an owl, wise and old beyond his years. Did babies know when they weren’t wanted? When their very existence was a trial to be borne rather than a joy to be experienced? Could they sense to whom they must apply for acceptance? If so, then this child was a master of the art.
As he stared down into the baby’s huge blue eyes, he felt something inside of him growing oddly warm. And when he realized how very small the baby truly was—dear God, he hardly filled Adam’s arm and surely he weighed no more than a loaf of bread!—and how strongly his fingers were still gripping Adam’s, he was well and truly lost.
“Hello, Matthew,” he heard himself say, even though he knew the child couldn’t possibly understand him.
To his astonishment, the baby opened his mouth, and for one brief second, Adam actually thought he was going to reply! But the opening grew larger and in the next second, Adam realized the baby was simply yawning.
“Oh, look,” Lori said fondly. “He’s sleepy. He should be. He worked hard today.”
Unable to tear his gaze from the child’s face—why did he look so much like an old man when he was so very young?—Adam watched as the large blue eyes grew heavy and then, finally, slid closed. In a few more seconds, the grip on his finger loosened, and he knew the child was asleep.
Even still, Adam couldn’t tear his gaze away from the little face. The wonder of it—how something so small could be alive—and the enormity of the obligation he had toward this tiny being were nearly overwhelming.
For a few seconds, Adam couldn’t seem to get his breath and once again he felt the sting of tears. He blinked furiously against it, and only when he had successfully mastered it did he dare to look up at Lori, only to discover that she was crying.
“Oh, Adam,” she said, as the tears ran down her perfect cheeks.
“Oh, my God, what is it? What’s wrong?” he demanded in instant terror. “Sudie said... but she was lying, wasn’t she? I should have sent for the doctor! He’d be here by now—”
“Adam, what on earth are you talking about?” Lori asked as she wiped the tears from her face with the edge of the sheet that covered her legs.
“Sudie said you were all right! She said you were both fine, but you’re not, are you? Something’s wrong! You’re sick, aren’t you? Tell me, Lori! I have to know the truth!”
But she was shaking her head. “I’m not sick, and the baby isn’t, either. I’m tired, of course,” she admitted with an embarrassed smile. “I don’t think I ever worked that hard in my life
, but...”
“You’ll never work again, either,” Adam promised rashly. “You’ll never have to turn your hand. We have plenty of slaves here to do whatever needs to be done, and Sudie can run the house. She always has before, and there’s no reason you have to exert yourself.”
Lori’s smile was puzzled. “I’m not that tired, Adam. Sudie said I’d be up and around in two weeks, as good as new.”
“And we’ll get a wet nurse for the baby,” he insisted as if he hadn’t heard her. “I know you don’t want one, but that can’t be good for you, taking care of a baby when you’re so weak—”
“I’m not weak, just tired!” she insisted right back. “And as soon as I get a good night’s sleep, I’ll be fine!”
“And I don’t care what Sudie says, I’ll send for the doctor just to be sure there’s nothing wrong. Sometimes it takes a few days to... Well, you can’t be too careful.”
Lori’s confusion gave way to understanding as she finally figured out what he was talking about. “Like your mother, you mean.”
“You aren’t going to die, Lori,” he said, and although he had meant the words as a command, they came out as a plea.
Her tears were flowing again, and Adam felt the moisture in his own eyes and was powerless to stop it this time.
“Of course I won’t die, Adam,” she said, laying a hand on his cheek. Her fingers felt cool in spite of the heat, and he turned his face into her palm and kissed it.
With a little cry, she came to him then, sliding across the bed and wrapping him and the baby he still held in her arms.
She was crying, sobbing really, against his shoulder, although he couldn’t figure out why she should be weeping. And he was trying not to weep, because he didn’t want to appear unmanly and because he didn’t want her to suspect how very much she had come to mean to him.
He cradled her with his free arm, marveling at how slender she suddenly was. It had been so long, he’d almost forgotten what she really felt like in his arms. It hadn’t been so very long since he’d kissed her, but he’d forgotten how wonderful she tasted too, even tinged with the salt of her tears. He covered her mouth with his, determined to lose himself in her once and for all. But he never got the chance.
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