by Sarah Morgan
And if life had taught her anything, it was that she didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t love her.
‘Thanks for this evening, Zafiq.’ Bella opened the door before she could change her mind, knowing that he wasn’t going to say anything with his guards listening to every word. ‘And thanks for the bath. You have no idea how good it felt to finally get my hands on a bottle of decent conditioner.’
CHAPTER TEN
RACHID was talking to Yousif when Bella emerged from Amira’s box the next morning.
Both of them stared at her as if she were a mirage.
‘What?’ She snapped the word and then instantly regretted it because both men had been good friends to her. ‘Sorry,’ she muttered. ‘Not enough sleep last night.’ Then she realised how they’d interpret that remark and blushed. ‘I mean, because I still ache all over and, no matter how I lie, I can’t sleep. I’m going to have words with Batal.’
‘You can’t.’ Yousif gave her a strange look. ‘His Highness has driven to the State of Zamira. He has taken Batal with him.’
Bella removed a piece of straw that was clinging to her hair. ‘Well, I’ll have words with him when he returns. Big, macho brute.’
Rachid paled. ‘Zafiq hurt you?’
‘Not Zafiq, I was talking about Batal.’ Bella frowned at them. ‘I fell off his back, remember? And he’s a long way from the ground. It felt like falling from the top of the Empire State Building.’
The two men exchanged looks. ‘His Highness did not say when he would be returning,’ Yousif said in a strangled voice. ‘This was an unscheduled trip. He has gone to visit Princess Yasmina, the woman everyone is hoping he will marry.’
Bella felt as though she’d fallen off the horse again. Every single part of her ached. ‘Right. Well…’ She gave a twisted smile. ‘I have things to do. I’m taking Amira for a ride. On my own.’
‘But if you are still bruised from your fall—’
‘Kill or cure.’ Bella strolled back to the stable, her mind in a mess. After their conversation the night before, he’d gone to meet his future wife. Why did that hurt so much when she’d always known that was what he’d do?
Leaning her head against Amira, she closed her eyes.
Because she hadn’t expected him to do it quite so quickly.
Regret stabbed her hard in the ribs. Perhaps she should have taken what he’d offered the night before. She should have had that one last night together.
Reminding herself that one more night would have intensified the pain rather than lessen it, she saddled Amira and led her into the yard. She climbed stiffly onto the mounting block, grimacing slightly as every muscle in her body shrieked a protest.
She didn’t even know where she was going.
All she knew was that she wanted to be on her own for a while in the desert.
Bella gave a humourless laugh. ‘That bang on the head must have got to me,’ she told the mare, urging her forward out of the yard. ‘Two months ago I would have sold the contents of my ward robe to escape from all that sand. Now, not only do I not have a wardrobe to sell, but I don’t even care, and I can’t think of anything more relaxing than riding in the desert. Do you think I need help?’
Amira gave a whinny and broke into a trot, but Bella reined her in with a groan.
‘No, no. That’s too bumpy. I feel as though I’m in cocktail shaker. Do you mind just walking?’
The horse didn’t seem to object, or maybe she sensed Bella’s fragile state because she walked carefully, picking her way over rough surfaces until she reached the sandy track that led into the desert.
A lizard scuttled across their path and Bella watched it with a lump in her throat, remembering the nights she and Zafiq had spent together staring up at the stars.
Talking. Laughing. Making love.
Was that why she was riding into the desert?
To torture herself with memories?
She’d grown to love the narrow, dusty streets of Al-Rafid with its colourful souks and high stone walls. She’d grown to love the stables and the friends she’d made. But most of all she loved Zafiq, in a way she hadn’t known it was possible to love another person. She wanted what was best for him and she could see that wasn’t her.
But could she carry on living here, and watch him marry? Could she watch him smile at another woman and lift another woman’s child in his arms?
‘It would be like falling on a cactus,’ she muttered to Amira, ‘and then getting up and doing it again. I’m not that much of a masochist. It would be easier to recover away from him.’
It wasn’t as if she didn’t have money now. Her father had cut off her allowance, but she didn’t need an allowance any more, did she? Zafiq paid his staff well and she’d been working too hard to spend any of the money she’d earned. As a result she had more than enough for a flight back to England.
Perhaps she’d go back to Balfour Manor and make her peace with her father. Then she’d go and get a job in a racing stable. Or maybe an eventing yard. Somewhere she could be part of a team and make a difference.
If she worked hard enough she wouldn’t have time to think about how much she was hurting inside.
Zafiq returned from the desert to find everyone in the stables electrified with anxiety.
‘Bella has not returned,’ Rachid reported as Zafiq led Batal out of the horsebox.
Having thought of nothing but Bella for the past two days, he felt colour streak across his cheeks. ‘Returned from where?’
‘The desert.’ Rachid filled the hay net and retreated to a safe distance from the stallion’s hooves. ‘She left the same day you did. She’s taken Amira into the desert. And the horses miss her. They keep putting their heads over the stable doors and calling for her.’
Feeling as though he was one step behind everyone else, Zafiq struggled to keep his tone patient. ‘You let her take Amira into the desert?’
‘She didn’t tell us where she was going and it was only when she was late arriving back from her ride that we found her note. It’s her final trip,’ Yousif said dismally. ‘She said she needed to go there one more time before she leaves us.’
‘She is alone?’ Zafiq felt the kind of fear he’d only felt once before—when he’d realised it was Bella on the back of his stallion. ‘You didn’t try and stop her? Do you have any idea how vulnerable she is out there? She knows nothing about surviving in the desert. Nothing!’
Rachid looked at him. ‘Has anyone ever managed to stop Bella doing what she wants? She rode Batal against everyone’s advice. She has a mind of her own, Zafiq.’
He knew that.
He knew all about the way Bella’s mind worked.
‘She is safe,’ Yousif said quietly. ‘She called us last night from a satellite phone, just to let us know she was OK. All she would say was that she was staying somewhere special. We think she’s probably at the Retreat but you know they never divulge the names of their guests. She’s probably making the most of her last few days. She said that she will miss us all,’ he said gloomily, ‘but nowhere near as much as we will miss her, Your Highness. She is the best groom I have ever had. How Amira will cope when she leaves, I do not know. I have four vets ready to care for her but I know she will pine dreadfully. The horses love Bella. Even the dogs love her.’
‘Everyone loves her,’ Rachid said, glancing towards the desert with worry in his eyes. ‘Perhaps I made a mistake. Kamal said I should have sent someone to follow her but she was most insistent—’
‘Kamal?’ Zafiq stared at them with growing frustration. ‘What does Kamal have to do with this? He is still in hospital.’
‘Bella has visited him every day since he’s been in hospital,’ Rachid told him. ‘Taking him pictures of the horses. She really makes him laugh. She tells terrible jokes.’
Zafiq knew all about her terrible jokes. ‘What do you mean, you will all miss her when she leaves—where is she going?’
‘Home to England.’
Zafiq
felt as though he’d been thumped in the chest. ‘Why would she do that?’
‘She didn’t say. She just said it was the right thing.’
‘She should not have gone into the desert!’
Yousif cleared his throat. ‘Stopping Bella is a bit like trying to stop Batal when he is galloping, Your Highness. A lost cause.’
‘She will certainly be lost by now,’ Zafiq said through gritted teeth, and Yousif flushed.
‘You are worried about Amira, of course—what do you want us to do, Your Highness?’
Realising that his concern for Bella eclipsed his worry for his favourite mare, Zafiq dragged his fingers through his hair. They were waiting for him to make a decision and for the first time in his life cool, rational thought evaded him.
Driven by concern for Bella, he vaulted onto the back of his stallion. ‘I will ride after her.’
‘I will come with you,’ Rachid said immediately, but Zafiq shook his head. ‘No.’
Yousif and Rachid looked at each other. ‘At least take your guards. Do you want us to call the Retreat and say you are on your way?’
‘No guards. And I don’t want you to contact the Retreat.’ Zafiq knew she wouldn’t be there. At the thought of her sitting cross-legged, drinking herbal tea, he almost laughed. But his desire to laugh faded as he thought about how much danger she was in.
She thought she knew the desert…
And he knew that an assumption of knowledge could be more dangerous than an ad mission of ignorance. It was impossible not to think about what had happened last time Bella had ridden into the desert alone.
Nursing a clear memory of her lying in the sand, dangerously dehydrated, Zafiq urged Batal forwards and prayed that he wouldn’t be too late.
Bella was lying on her back in the pool when she heard the thunder of hooves and saw the growing cloud of sand. ‘Our peace is over, Amira.’
But her heart sank because she knew who was coming.
Would he arrest her for stealing his horse a second time?
Amira threw up her head and whinnied, her ears flicking forwards and her nostrils flaring.
Deciding that she didn’t have time to grab her clothes, Bella stood so that just her head appeared above the water as Zafiq rode into the camp like a warrior going into battle.
Watching him, Bella wondered whether the pain would fade once she was thou sands of miles away from him. ‘What happened to the princess,’ she called lazily, hiding her agony behind in difference, ‘not pretty enough? Or did she answer you back?’ She skimmed her hands over the water and watched as the ripples spread across the surface.
‘Even after weeks in my country you have developed no respect for the harshness of the desert.’ His voice a furious growl, Zafiq sprang from the horse with an athletic grace that Bella found it impossible not to admire.
‘Calm down. You’re sheikhing yourself up over nothing.’
He cast her a warning glance and walked across to Amira. ‘Has the mare had water?’
‘No, I’m watching her slowly die of thirst.’ Bella wondered how long it would take her to drive him away in a temper. Not long, she hoped, because every word, every look, was killing her. ‘Of course she’s had water. You really think I’m stupid, don’t you?’
His eyes were on hers. ‘No,’ he said slowly, his accent thickening the words. ‘Not stupid. I think you are a very bright, very misunderstood woman.’
Taken aback, Bella stared at him. ‘Oh, well…in that case, I’m happy to tell you that I’ve fed her, given her water, kept her in the shade and kept a watch for snakes and scorpions like you taught me. I even slept next to her with a dagger last night, just in case. Did I miss anything?’
Zafiq’s gaze scanned the horse. ‘She looks well.’
‘Good. What are you doing here anyway?’
‘I’ve come to tell you that I’m getting married.’
Bella felt as though he’d punched her. ‘You came all the way out here to deliver that news in person?’ She wanted to howl with pain. ‘That was thoughtful of you.’
‘You need to know.’
Typical man, Bella thought miserably. Practical to the last. ‘OK, well, now I know, so you can go away again and leave me in peace.’
‘You are coming back with me.’
‘No!’ Bella bit her lip, too distressed to conjure up a flippant remark. ‘Please, Zafiq. I love it here so much. Let me have one more day. I promise I won’t let any harm come to Amira. I carried her food, I have loads of water—I thought it through, honestly.’ She was ready to beg, but his hard, handsome face showed no sign of softening.
‘I need you back in Al-Rafid.’
‘That’s completely unfair!’ She didn’t bother with formality. ‘What is it you want from me? A wedding present? You want me to buy you a bundle of towels and a toaster?’ Then she realised how ungracious she was being and blinked away the tears rapidly, cross with herself. ‘I wish you well,’ she said huskily. ‘I really, really hope you’ll be very happy. I mean that. I want this marriage to work for you and I’m sure it will because you have a way of making things turn out the way you want them to. I just can’t be there to see it happen. And you can’t expect that of me.’
‘I do expect it. And you will be there.’
Bella glared at him, wondering if he had any clue how she felt about him. ‘Are you dense or something?’
His head flicked back and shock flared in his dark eyes. ‘Are you calling me dense?’
‘Well, you’re either dense or monumentally in sensitive and neither attribute is exactly something to boast about,’ Bella snapped, pushing aside a strand of weed that wound itself round her wrist. ‘If you can’t think about my feelings, at least think about your wife. How would she feel?’
‘I hope she will feel proud to be standing by my side.’
‘Well, I’m sure she will. And I certainly don’t want to spoil her day by being in the audience. Ex-girl friends anonymous. Oh, go away, Zafiq! Go and torture someone else.’ Feeling the lump grow in her throat, Bella turned away and concentrated on the date palms that shaded the pool, furious with herself for not being strong enough to go to his wedding. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t be there when you marry.’
‘Then we have a problem, habibiti,’ he said softly, ‘because I cannot marry without you there.’
Tears blurred her vision. ‘Why?’
‘Because you are the woman I will be marrying.’
Bella heard the words from far away. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out, and Amira threw up her head and gave a whinny, sensing the change in the atmosphere.
‘Get out of the water, Bella!’ His voice roughened by exasperation, Zafiq paced to the edge of the pool. ‘Say something!’
He looked sensational with the sun turning his hair blue-black, the intensity of his gaze demanding that she look at him.
Shock turned to happiness and then faded away into the most agonising misery.
How could she?
‘That’s a heck of a sacrifice to make for sex, Zafiq.’
‘You think I’m asking you to marry me so that I can have sex?’
‘You haven’t actually asked me to marry you—’ Bella felt something brush against her ankle and gave a squeal. ‘Zafiq, there’s something in this pool. Ugh!’
He lifted an eyebrow. ‘I thought desert creatures didn’t bother you?’
‘I like lizards but this was slimy.’ She was hopping around on one leg, whimpering, and Zafiq gave a masculine smile, stripped off his clothes and joined her in the water in a smooth dive.
He surfaced right next to her and lifted her into his arms. ‘It is a piece of weed.’
‘What?’
‘Around your ankle.’ Casually he flipped it away. ‘Not a creature. Not slimy.’
‘It felt slimy. Put me down, Zafiq—I don’t have any clothes on.’
‘That’s the way I prefer you,’ he drawled softly, his eyes on her mouth as he lowered her into the water
and drew her against him.
Bella gasped as she felt the heat of his body against hers. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m proposing.’ He murmured the words against her mouth. ‘Could you say yes quickly so that we can cut straight to the exciting part?’
Mesmerised by the wicked look in his eyes and by the explosive reaction of her own body, Bella moaned. ‘No…I can’t— No.’ She had to be strong about this. She had to remember what she’d learned—how she was determined to live her life. ‘No, Zafiq.’
Zafiq sighed. ‘Now what?’
‘I said no.’
‘I heard you—what I want to know is why. I know you love me, so don’t try and deny it.’
‘Yes, I do love you. But you don’t love me. And that isn’t good enough for me. I don’t want to marry for money or status. I don’t even want to marry because I’m in love. I’ll only marry when it’s an equal partnership. When love is given and returned. When we both want the same things. When we’re a team because we have an emotional bond, not a paper one.’
‘Bella—’
‘Whatever anyone says, I’m not like my mother,’ Bella whispered. ‘I won’t marry without love. You taught me how it’s possible to feel, and I don’t want to feel less than that. And I want a man who feels the same way about me, otherwise what chance will we have? I won’t settle for less than a love match because I’ve seen what happens when you do.’
His dark eyes were locked on hers. ‘What makes you think I don’t love you?’
‘Er, possibly the fact that you’ve never said those words to me?’
‘You have never said those words to me either.’
‘I have,’ she said hotly. ‘When I fell off Batal into your arms, I said, “I love you.” And you never mentioned it. You never reacted.’
Zafiq let out a long, exasperated breath. ‘I assumed you were talking to the horse.’
‘You thought I was declaring my love for your horse?’
‘You are always saying things like that to the horses. The staff tell me you chat to them all the time, telling them how much you love them and how good they are.’