When you remove yourself from the noise of the modern world, you discover not simply a world within, but a deeper awareness of the instincts we have lost. Attuning to these requires time and silence. Being present with all of our senses allows us to imagine and inhabit the world differently. This intuition lies within all of us. Connecting with it allows us to tap into our wilder instincts and our deeper, uninhibited selves.
After a while, it becomes second nature. Adapting our own body language takes practice, but it can be learned, through careful observation, gaining an understanding of animal behaviour, and trial and error, to allow us to get close to a great many species. Working daily with animals is a beautiful way of letting a different perception soak into your eyes and saturate your awareness.
I hope that one day I will be able to approach the deer, to study their behaviour and to be instrumental in seeking ways for us all to cohabit and thrive successfully on this island. In the old lore, a deer crossing your path, whether in corporeal form or in a dream, is a sacred messenger. It is a visitation that was said to awaken compassion. The deer spirit represents the overcoming of obstacles, through peaceful means, facing the earth and all its elements and seasons. At each turn of the year, I celebrate the deer. I have become accustomed, by living close to the raw elements and the natural world, to honouring these old beliefs, rites and rituals. It helps me to broaden my vision and remain open to new ways to connect intuitively, physically and spiritually with all that is wild around and inside us.
I am on the boat back from Oban. The sea is alive and fresh out in the deeper tide. Above, the sky is dimming as the soft gloaming light falls on to the waves. I am on my way home from my first adoption meeting. There is a long way to go, but it is a start, and every journey must begin with a single brave step. I know that somewhere out there, another voice is waiting to find mine. I breathe in the glittering salt spray and reflect on how change is fresh, uplifting and invigorating.
The gulls are on the move again. They are blowing in off a southeasterly breeze. They come flying against the wind, rather than being lifted on to its back, which tells me that they are seeking a rich feeding ground or safe harbour. It reminds me of how I first came to the island, travelling in search of an anchor across an unknown passage of sea. I know I have come such a long way since those early, beautiful, desperate times, and I realise that I owe a debt of gratitude to every one of those bright, hard years. Everything has to break down in order to renew.
The gleeful cries of the gulls, spatters of feathers and bright chinks of sound tangling into a fishing boat’s sun-filled nets, encapsulate for me how freely and universally wildlife is given to us all. Yet so often we walk the earth oblivious, never lifting our eyes to look through its open windows. Living wild teaches you to tread gently, to listen, not just with your eyes and ears, but with that finer instinct that lies even deeper than your heart. All it takes to untangle ourselves from everything that disconnects us or deracinates our lives from our beautiful earth is to find that animal instinct. Belonging is ultimately simple. Yet still we cage ourselves, subordinating our intuition to our rational mind as we wrestle with the everyday and existential anxieties that dominate almost every aspect of our lives. Setting aside some time to tap into our primal inner self, the part of us that resonates with our surroundings, is the first step to finding the freedom that eludes so many of us, towards reclaiming our own wilder spirit and voice.
Listening to the gulls, I imagine all the other islands to which that salt air may take them, out and away to where the sky meets the sea, and an infinite distance beyond. Whenever I hear them now, I never think of them as bereft, as once I did. There was a time when I longed to leave this island, but a meshing of circumstances held me down until that feeling passed. As the engine thrums, I turn to face the cliffs, the low-lying beaches and the tiny, pristine coves I now know intimately and love so well. The island’s rippling grasses, hard rock face, hills and valleys are imprinted on my heart, its salt winds and fierce tides drenched into my flesh.
These days, wherever I am standing, I am rocked by the rhythmic voice of the land and the sighing of the sea, lapping and rolling, opening towards and away from me. ‘I do not know what is coming, but I am ready,’ I murmur. As the gulls skirl loudly, drifting over the shimmering water, to cleave to the contours and shelter of the island, I look to the empty skies, threaded by their joyful, raucous cries. I hold up my arms and call out to the wind. My voice merges with theirs, sending its own wild cry over the waves.
I cannot know what the future holds, or who it may bring to walk alongside me. Some days I wonder if I am destined always to be here alone, an island in a sea of solitude, or if one day a small hand will reach out to hold fast to mine. When I close my eyes, I imagine us sifting shells on the shore, or filling wet buckets with cockles for tea, or our arms lifting to wave and call out to the gulls. Sometimes I hear, in conversation with my own low voice, another, higher-pitched, singing out its own wondering questions as we discover together all the secrets our beautiful island holds.
‘Every island is held by its sea,’ I whisper softly to the wind. ‘And one day soon, your beautiful tide will come and find me.’
Acknowledgements
In writing this book, I drew much support and encouragement from friends: first inspiration from Antoinette Wysocki; an early conversation with my dear friend Tree Sheriff; the incredible support of Eleanor Mills, and her early advocacy of my work. Their love and support came at a time when it really mattered, and without it this book might not have been written at all.
Special thanks to my agent, Sarah Williams at the Sophie Hicks Agency, for her diligence, care, and remarkable way of ensuring that I kept going back to the raw story, journeying closer to some truths that were difficult to face, let alone to tell. And to the incredible support, guidance and expertise of my publisher Susanna Wadeson, editor Helena Gonda, copy-editor Caroline North, publicist Tabitha Pelly and the entire team at Transworld. This is our book – I am so lucky to have found such a family to work with and such a beautiful home for it.
Thank you, dear Rab – for those tough, beautiful island years, and for your generosity, reconnection and friendship, inspired by our reading this book together.
My gratitude also to the community, for the good times and those of difficulty and struggle. Your unique influence has been instrumental in helping to shape who I am and to find my voice. To call this island my home. And to know how Belonging comes differently to each of us.
My love and gratitude to Jane Garnett and the women of the My Heart is in the Highlands retreat, to whom I gave my first reading. And to Achara Tait and family, and Georgina Martin, for your friendship and keeping your radar tracking west; and Sarah Belfield, for uplifting me.
And to my other close constellations of love, inspiration and support. Special thanks to Damian and Tassya, and my family, Elena Bonham Carter, for your beautiful heart and wisdom, and above all to David and Ginnie Ogilvy, Liz Baring and family – simply for being there.
Most of all, I drew much from the nature around me: the fierce sea, the raw elements, the strong mountains, the wildlife and the changing seasons. Beautiful moments – standing alone, drawing strength and courage from this source, watching the dawn rise and the tides always rushing in with such a welcome – helped me to find my place again in the world.
Above all, this book is dedicated to Cristall, who was my inspiration. And to Maude, my beloved dog, friend and faithful companion, who was always at my side.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
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Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Doubleday
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright © Tamsin Calidas 2020
Cover photograph author’s own; design Jo Thomson / TW
Map drawn by Neil Gower
Photographs by the author
Tamsin Calidas has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
This book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. The information related is believed to be correct as at October 2019, but is not to be relied on in law and is subject to change. In some cases names of people, places, dates, sequences and the detail of events have been changed, amalgamated, or blended to reflect the author’s experiences while protecting the privacy of others. The author and publishers disclaim, as far as the law allows, any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use or misuse of any information contained in this book. The author has stated to the publishers that, except in such minor respects not affecting the substantial accuracy of the work, the contents of this book are true.
Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781473569133
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I Am an Island Page 27