by Kat T. Masen
He is merciless, rough, and demanding, sliding his fingers alongside my clit, gliding effortlessly as he drenches them in my wetness. I grip his hand with mine, and he stops midway. His eyes are wild and dominating, hypnotizing me with the fueled desire consuming him. I want his words. I want to know his thoughts at this very moment.
I guide his finger to the entrance, letting him explore.
“Adriana, I’ve thought about this every day. I’ve wanted you more than I have wanted anyone else.”
“You want me?”
“Yes.”
“Say it louder,” I command.
He arches his back as he screams in agony, thrusting his fingers into me. I yelp in delight, directing him to go harder. The sensation tightens as he slides another finger inside me.
I demand more, and I watch him crumble. I feel the power, the dominant side of me wanting him to beg to be inside me.
“I. Need. To. Fuck. You. Now.” He is greedy, demanding, but we both want the same thing, and he takes control of my body. No gentle moves, no warning needed. In this oblivious moment, he has managed to unbutton his jeans, thrusting himself inside me in one swift move, pushing deeper than I’ve ever experienced.
The moisture between my legs builds as he thrusts further. Our eyes are battling with one another, the greed and lust equally fighting for the same finish. Amidst the frenzied passion, that need to bring us closer nags me, yet I’m in new territory, not understanding how to fulfill this void.
“This. You. Us,” he moans. “Fucking perfect.”
The swell in my belly forms, and I stare into the sky trying to delay the impending orgasm on the verge of literally throttling me.
“I can’t get enough of you. I love being inside you.”
The target is hit, and the word love makes me complete. I don’t hold back. I warn him I’m ready.
“Together,” he begs me.
I fight every which way to hold back a few more seconds, and in my greatest achievement ever, I feel his grip tighten all around me, his body clenching followed by a low grumble, and I release.
I see stars, they are bright and blinding me.
I’m barely able to breathe, gulping for air.
Holy fucking fuck!
He stays inside me for a long time, only pulling out when we hear a rustle. Fuck, I forgot we were in public. Probably some dirty old peeping Tom has jerked off watching us.
We both slump to the ground, my head falling into his lap as I attempt to catch my breath.
“Can I ask a question?”
“You have more questions?” He is surprised.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Is it always like that… I mean, for you?”
“Always like what?”
“You know…” Suddenly I’m shy. “Like so unbelievably mind-blowing.”
He stirs, adjusting his pants then pulls my body back toward him. Guiding my mouth to his, I taste him, and he is delicious. The sweat is covering his face, and I just want to lick it off. God, sex sweat is like the hottest thing ever.
Julian pushes against me. “I’m still hard, what is that telling you?”
“That you’re a horndog who probably hasn’t gotten laid in a long time?”
“Uh… well, I guess you’re right about not getting laid in a long time, but that was my choice. I wanted you. I’ve wanted you since the night I went on that awful date, and I realized I was willing to wait until I had you.”
“Okay, so here you go again saying insanely hot things which make me want to do extremely bad things to you. Can we please get out of here and go back to the hotel? I have a plane that leaves in ten hours, and we have a lot of ground to make up.”
“Thought you’d never ask.” He grins.
His body presses into me as the sheets become tangled between us. It’s unfamiliar territory, and I find myself unable to stop the addiction which is soon becoming his body. Watching every move, every curve and flex of a muscle as he worships me and takes me to places I never knew existed. Sweat covers our bodies as we continue for hours until the sun rises, and the reality of my imminent departure feels heavy in the room.
I’m not tired, still on my sex high. How many times did I come? Fuck, who knows.
He pulls me in, and I spoon against him staring at the clock sitting on the bedside table.
“I have to get ready in two hours,” I tell him.
He kisses the top of my shoulder. “A lot can be done in two hours.”
I turn my head and smile. “How on earth does the soldier have it in him?”
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head. The soldier is just waiting for the green light again.”
He presses against me, hard as a rock. I feel the ache between my legs, but I’m extremely sore. I don’t want to refuse him, but I’m pretty sure my vagina resembles a battered lasagna.
I feel him curl into me, holding onto me tight. “Adriana, what’s going to happen with us?”
Normally, I’m the question asker.
I remain silent for a few seconds.
It’s a huge question.
“What do you want?” I whisper.
“I want you. All of you.” He holds onto me even tighter, my circulation in jeopardy. “I’m not here to replace Elijah. I just… I just want you.”
“It’s complicated, right?”
“I hate that it’s complicated.” He turns my body around, so I’m facing him. “Do you want me back in LA?”
“Yes… but…” Hesitating, I see the hurt in his face. “My brother and Charlie are my life. I don’t know how we’ll work without causing a shit-storm of epic proportions.”
“Neither do I, Adriana. I don’t want you to be at war with your family, but your brother… you know my feelings on him.”
“What about Charlie?”
“I’ll always love Charlie, just not in that way. She is a good, kindhearted person. You know just as much as I do that it’s impossible to hate her.”
“She is too darn likable,” I agree with a smile. “But my brother is my blood, Julian. I can’t be asked to cut him out of my life.”
“I’m not asking you to, Adriana. I’m telling you that you can’t expect us to be best friends. If he knows we’re together, there’s a high chance he may disown you or kill me. I’m not sure which will come first.”
“Look, he doesn’t need to know right now. When you come back to LA, let’s just figure this out then. So, when is that?”
He laughs. “Smooth topic changer. I’m about halfway through completing the editing on my second book. My publisher wants me back in the States in about eight weeks.”
“Eight weeks?”
“Yes, eight weeks. Why? You gonna miss me or something?” He smirks, prodding me with his finger as he tickles my rib cage.
“Smartass. Yes, I will, but right now, I also miss my son so much.”
I play with a lock of his hair as he watches me intently. “Julian, what about Andy?”
“What about Andy?”
“I have a son. Does that bother you?”
“It doesn’t bother me that you have a son. He’s a great kid. I’m just not used to dating someone who has a kid. I mean, I’ve never had to factor children in, ever.”
“Do you want kids?”
“Wow, heavy question when you’re lying in bed naked with me.”
“I’m no skanky floozy. I swear I’m on the pill, not because I’m sexually active but because I have woman issues. Which, by the way, is an FYI, even though you’ve come inside me like five times now. Yeah, thanks for asking.” I punch his arm in jest.
“I did want kids.”
“When you were with Charlie…” I trail off.
“Yes. I just haven’t thought about it since then. I haven’t been in a relationship, and it’s not really something which bugs me.”
“What if I told you I couldn’t have kids?”
“Well, first of all, you have a son. And second, this is a lot to talk about, Adriana.” I see
him withdrawing.
“I’m scaring you, aren’t I?”
“I’m not ready for marriage,” he admits.
I’m slightly hurt, but what did I expect?
“God, I sound like one of those clingy, whiney women. Okay, let’s rewind. What my big fat mouth wants to say is that if our relationship got to that point, and I couldn’t have kids because Andy was a miracle, could you still see yourself settling down with me?”
“Still a big question.”
I pull the sheets up, suddenly aware that I’m exposing too much, and I don’t just mean bare flesh.
“Hey.” He pulls me closer. “I don’t mean to be a jerk. Look, Adriana, I wasn’t in the best place when we met. In fact, I was in the worst place I’ve ever been in. I’ve always thought with my heart rather than my head. You bring up a side of me that… completes me. Yet it frightens me.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not replacing anyone. For once in my life, everything I feel for you, I’ve never felt before.”
“You don’t think I’m scared?”
“I know you’re scared. That’s what makes this harder. I…” he pauses, then continues, “Let’s just enjoy this time, okay?”
I want to know what he is going to say, but this conversation has taken it out of me. I still don’t really know where we stand. I know, though, that taking this further is a battle itself, and life in LA will be completely different.
***
We stand at the entrance of the secured terminal for international passengers. Somewhere between this morning and now, there’s distance between us. He becomes silent, and I’m not prying. A part of me wishes there isn’t this tension if that’s what you want to call it.
“So, I guess this is it,” I say.
We’re surrounded by fleeing passengers, scurrying to get inside. Bags are being lugged every which way, even my own is crammed full of souvenirs for everyone back home. Julian is watching me, and I know him well enough to realize something is plaguing him. I’m about to lean in to kiss him goodbye when I hear my name being called, and a Japanese couple rudely pushes Julian and me apart.
“Adriana?” The voice comes from behind me. I turn around and see it’s one of Lex’s colleagues.
“Amanda? What are you doing here?” I ask nervously. Turning around, I see Julian has caught on and has moved a little further away.
“Unfortunately, I was here for my uncle’s funeral.”
“I’m so sorry, Amanda.” I am still distracted, my eyes scanning the area, more people pushing past me.
“He was eighty-six. Lived a long life. So, wow, you’re here! Where’s Andy?” She searches around me.
“With Mom back home. I came here for work.”
“Sounds great.” She looks at the boarding pass that’s in my hand. “Good, we’re on the same flight. Let’s catch up.” She pulls my arm before I’m able to do anything.
Chatting away, her words become monotone, and I am frantically looking behind me. I finally spot him, the look on his face unreadable, and I feel guilty for not saying goodbye. No doubt Amanda will tell Lex and whichever way, I’m screwed.
The automatic doors slam shut behind us, and already, I feel the tears build up in my eyes. I miss his touch, and I want to say goodbye to him properly. There’s no chance I can turn around without security detaining me, and then the cat will be out of the bag.
We take a seat inside, and before we’re due to board the plane, I pull my cell out hoping he has texted me.
Nothing.
I don’t know what to feel. Surely, he knows we can’t be seen together? Should I be angry or guilty for what I did?
I send him a quick text, knowing I won’t see his response until I land in LA.
Me: I hope you understand why I did that. She’s Lex’s colleague. I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye.
Our flight is delayed an hour, and like a deranged stalker, I check my cell repeatedly.
Nothing.
I slump further into the seat, the hurt and pain fueling the nausea and anxiety. I have a bad feeling about this, and the worst part yet, this is just the beginning.
“Mama, do koala bears make sounds like dis… RRROAR!”
Andy is snuggled into my side as we lay in bed. The jetlag drains me, and I’m barely able to sleep on the plane. Now, with my baby in my arms, I feel at home, my eyes slowly dozing off.
“Adriana, why don’t I take him so you can catch up on some sleep?” Lex is sitting on the edge of my bed, making a silly face at Andy, causing him to giggle.
“No.” I yawn. “It’s okay. I’ll try to stay awake until tonight.”
“That’s ten hours away,” he points out.
Shit, that’s a long time.
“Hmm, okay, maybe you can take him for an hour…” I feel myself dozing off, but the chime of my cell goes off, and my eyes quickly open, frantically grabbing my cell to read it.
Julian: You did what you had to do.
Great. Now I feel like shit. I contemplate sending him a text, but with my brother watching me, I decide to send it later. He must have seen my face change and immediately starts questioning me.
“Something wrong?”
“Was just waiting on some news from a supplier,” I lie.
“What news?”
Nosy bastard. “About some new fabric. I’m tired, Lex.”
He tickles Andy and asks him if he wants a piggyback ride. Andy happily agrees, and before they have left the room, the last thing I remember is the click of the door.
It takes me four days to recover and get back into the routine of things. Andy is extremely clingy, which is understandable, so I decide to keep him home to spend some time with him. Getting back into our normal routine is a lot harder than I expected.
Julian hasn’t texted me after that, and I don’t know how to broach the subject. I miss him a lot, I know that much. I want the Julian I know, the one who sends me random texts in the middle of the night making me laugh in stitches. We both need space, I guess. The days I spent with him were surreal and feel like a dream. We were both on vacation. Now, the reality of every day is a different scenario altogether.
On Friday night, Charlie invites everyone for dinner. I’m not going to refuse since it’s Mexican-themed, and Charlie makes the meanest enchiladas I’ve ever tasted. Andy and Amelia busy themselves watching Nemo in the playroom, giving us adults some time to eat in peace.
Seated at the end of the table is Lex, beside him is Charlie, Rocky, and Nikki. Eric, Kate, and I sit on Lex’s other side, hogging all the cheese while Charlie places the food on the table. She swats our hands, but poor-mannered Eric sticks his finger into the cheese erupting in a mini argument.
“Have I told you lately how much I love LA?” Rocky says, chomping on a mouthful of food.
“You spent the day at the beach. All you did was look at fake tits,” Nikki huffed.
“Is that what you did at the beach?” Charlie turns to Lex.
Lex shoots Rocky a fierce glare. “I wasn’t involved in that.”
Rocky roars in laughter. “Dude, you were the one who pointed out that famous porn star.”
Our heads turn to Lex, who not even with his smart mouth can talk his way out of that one.
“Oooh, which one? Is it the one with all the tats and the piercings on her hoo-ha?” Eric asks.
“Yeah… which one, dear?” Charlie quizzes Lex.
He pulls Charlie into him. I turn away, not wanting to witness their display of affection. It only reminds me of what I don’t have.
“If you have something to say, you need to share it with the table,” Eric chides.
Lex begins to open his mouth, but Charlie covers it with the palm of her hand. “He doesn’t need to share it. Besides, you’re eating tacos, Eric. Need I say more?”
“Dirty bastard.” Eric turns to Lex. “Lucky we aren’t eating fish tacos.”
“Did I tell you about the time in college when I dated this girl, a
nd her beaver smelled like—”
“Oh my God, Rocky, we’re eating,” Charlie moans. “And yes, you’ve told us that story before. You still have the full feast despite feeling like you were deep-sea diving in the docks.”
Everyone at the table laughs, including Nikki. My laughter is short-lived as everyone happily chats away. I find myself spiraling into a funk, and the worst part yet, I can’t even vent. Except with Eric, only now noticing that Tristan is absent.
“Where’s Tristan?” I whisper to Eric.
“Oh, he had um… some errands to do.”
“At eight o’clock in the evening?”
He nods, then swiftly changes the subject.
The sound around me drowns out as I swirl the food on my plate, unable to concentrate on anything but Julian. Why hasn’t he called me?
“You okay?” Charlie mouths over the table.
“Just tired,” I lie again.
Kate wipes her mouth, directing her conversation to me. “So, Adriana, tell us all about your trip to Sydney.”
All heads turn my way. Lex places his fork down, giving me his undivided attention.
“It’s a beautiful country. The weather is warm, and the people are friendly. The shop I looked at was to die for, just waiting on Charlie to read the fine print, and if all is well, I’m ready to sign.”
“What else did you do?” Charlie asks.
Julian, I want to say. My sadistic side is laughing like a lunatic at the thought.
“Spent most of my time in the city doing tourist stuff. Oh, I took some surf lessons at Bondi. The water is—”
Lex interrupts me. “You hate sports, Adriana. Anything athletic. What possessed you to do that?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Lex, surfing isn’t athletic. It’s something on my bucket list, plus the teacher was hot,” I add to make the lie more believable.
“Now you’re talking,” cheers Kate.
The ringing of my cell stops the conversation at the table. I lean into my purse and see his name flash on my screen. Lex is watching me intently as I grab my cell and excuse myself from the table, practically running outside.