by Kat T. Masen
“You okay?” Charlie rushes to my side and gasps as she sees the blood on my arm.
“It’s okay. Hand me some tissues, please.”
She quickly grabs the box, and I dab my arm. Pulling it away, it doesn’t appear too deep, only a surface scratch.
“I’m so clumsy. I’ll see you tonight.”
Charlie says goodbye, and I wave in return. As I leave the office, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I count my blessings Charlie is able to forgive me.
That’s the thing about family, no matter how violent the storm, they’ll always be there to watch the rainbow with you.
I just pray my rainbow will find a way in his heart to forgive me.
We settled on a Brazilian bar not too far from the beach.
Eric’s already complaining about his day at work and that the dry cleaners couldn’t remove an ink stain on the crotch of his new dress pants.
“Why is there an ink stain on your crotch?” Charlie asks him.
“For some stupid reason, I keep my pen in my pocket which I never do for this very reason.”
“Oh, that’s embarrassing.” I cringe.
“You’re telling me. This hot waiter kept eyeing my crotch, and I was like ‘whoa baby, hold your horses, you haven’t even taken my drink order yet’ but turns out it was the ink stain.”
“Are you forgetting about your beautiful man at home?” Charlie reminds him.
“No, but I’m not completely off the market,” he tells us.
I place my drink down fast. “Wait.” I lift my hand to stop him talking. “You’re telling me that you and Tristan have an open relationship?”
“I wouldn’t say open, but you know…”
“Does Tristan know?” Charlie is using her interrogation voice, obviously just as shocked as I am about Eric’s relationship status.
“We have an understanding,” he says flatly.
Both of us wait for his response, and when the tumbleweed drifts past us, I nudge him along. “And that is…”
“Look, we’re both young. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? We both agreed that if either of us doesn’t feel the same way, it’s time to move on. Besides, he got a second callback for a lead in this big Hollywood flick, and well, you know, fame can change him.”
“But don’t you think that sometimes you need to work on a relationship? It’s not always rosy. Okay, I’m the wrong person to be giving relationship advice right now,” I admit with a heavy heart.
“How you been feeling?” Eric asks in a quieter tone.
“Honestly? I feel like this is an out-of-body experience. I don’t know what happened to me that night. Jealousy possessed me.”
Charlie is nodding her head while sipping on her Long Island iced tea.
“Okay, so very awkward, but here goes…” She takes a deep breath, keeping her gaze on me.
“Is this about comparing technique?” Eric’s eyes widened. “I just don’t think—”
“Will you shut up and let me continue?” Charlie berates him. “And no… what’s wrong with you, E? As I was saying, when I was with him, women were like drooling hounds wherever we went, but you know as well as I do that Julian is so kind natured. He’d never intentionally hurt someone he loves.”
She takes a long sip of her drink and continues, “Now, Lex, on the other hand, is the same in that respect. The women are throwing thongs at his face half the time. The difference is that he is an arrogant ass, and women tend to back off unless you’re into that whole alpha male bullshit.”
“Oh, yes, I understand.” Eric points his index finger at his mouth while thinking. “But don’t you think they are alike in many ways?”
“Don’t look at me. You’re asking me to compare my brother and ex-boyfriend.”
“Oh, not you, I mean Charlie, but then again… okay, don’t shoot me, but aren’t you guys the least bit curious to talk about your um… shared experience?”
“Oh, I’ll shoot you, Eric. Sometimes I wonder what planet you came from?” Charlie scolds.
“Uranus, like duh?”
“Okay, Eric, you may ask only three questions to both Charlie and me, then we’re never having this conversation again. Locking it in the vault, burying it ten feet under the ground, and throwing the key into the bottom of the Marina Trench.”
“What’s the Marina Trench?” he asks.
“The deepest part of the Pacific Ocean which is the deepest ocean in the world. Question two.”
“What? No fair! That wasn’t a question!”
“I think it was, Eric,” Charlie agrees.
He mumbles under his breath, and then his face lights up like a light bulb went off in his head. “Who’s bigger, Lex or Julian?”
I spit out my drink across the table spraying Eric. He immediately tells me off, wiping his suit down with napkins. “Eric, what kind of a question is that? I don’t want to hear this.”
“On par, the same, maybe just a different color,” Charlie blurts out. “I’m sorry, Adriana, blame the rum inside this drink.”
“OMG, totally a spit-roast fantasy of mine.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “The both of you are very lucky that I’ve had two Long Island iced teas because I’m this close to grabbing that old man sitting over there and getting him to turkey slap the crap out of you two.”
Eric ignores me, raising his hand to grab our attention. “I have one more question, and this goes to Adriana.”
I let out a drawn-out sigh, waiting for his inappropriate question. “If you saw Julian again, right now, would you tell him you love him?”
Taken aback by his question, Charlie and Eric wait impatiently, their eyes on me making me self-conscious.
“If I had the chance, then yes, I would.”
They both remain oddly quietly, then change the subject back onto Tristan.
“So, Tristan’s thinking about getting a Prince Albert,” Eric says casually.
The conversation does a complete one-eighty. I try to drown out their warped discussion about genitalia piercings and switch my attention to the crowd. The bar is dimly lit with spotlights hanging off the walls pointed at the various artwork. They are gorgeous, and I can’t help but be mesmerized by the painting of a man and woman entwined naked in the forest. My mind doesn’t need to go there, nor does my lady bits. It’s time to refocus on something else, and the bearded lady walking past me seems to throw cold water over me. Wow, now that was a beard! I’d hate to think what’s growing down below if she can’t trim her face.
I inform Charlie and Eric that I’m heading to the bar, bored by their conversation. At the bar, I take a seat and stare at the menu wanting to venture out and order something new. I’m not alone for long as a young, good-looking male slips in beside me. He is cute, and I use the word cute because he looks like he’s Eric’s age. I’m surprised by his forwardness as he begins chatting away, and so as not to be rude, I listen intently.
His name is River, and he just moved here from Texas. His accent is okay. I hate to admit, it’s downright sexy. As is the way he licked his lips every time he mentioned the word rodeo. Wait until Eric catches wind of this. He’ll be visualizing chaps and naked ass cheeks riding bucking bulls.
Perhaps this is my problem. I jumped straight into a relationship with Julian and never played the field. Maybe I need to date, let loose, and have fun, except I’m not that type of woman. I have a son to think about, plus I’m madly in love with Julian.
Okay, stupid plan.
For a brief moment, my eyes wander and quickly do a double-take. Is that? No, Adriana, you just miss him, and it’s all in your sad imagination. So, one more time just to be sure, I turn around and look again. It’s him standing in the corner dressed in a dark gray suit and black collared shirt. There isn’t enough light to see the features of his face, but all that flies out the window when I notice a woman with long ebony hair standing alongside him, chatting animatedly as he laughs and smiles along with her. I wait for him to tu
rn around, and the second he does, my heart is beating crazy and has fallen into the pit of my stomach.
We’ve only been apart for less than two weeks and already he has moved on. I don’t walk over to him, it’s pretty obvious he is seeing this woman. Body language is a dead giveaway. I turn back around and re-focus on River, but for the life of me, I can’t comprehend what he’s saying. The fan that’s positioned above the bar blows air into my eyes, and I catch a whiff of his scent. Fuck, your imagination is going nuts. River slides me over a drink, and just when I go to grab it, a hand slides between us. I recognize his fingers immediately.
Those fingers. My body has officially gone into meltdown mode. Remember where those fingers have been? Do you remember how you screamed from the top of your lungs when you came all over them? I shake my head trying to drown out my inner dialogue. My head doesn’t want to face him, but my body does on its own accord. Just be civil, you’re a strong woman and can handle this situation maturely.
“Hey, buddy, how ‘bout you keep this drink to yourself?” Julian grits his teeth waiting on a response.
Don’t make eye contact.
River is annoyed. “If the lady wants a drink, then who are you to stop her?”
“How about I tell the club owner, Mitch, about how you’ve just slipped a roofie into this glass?”
What the fuck!
River raises his hands before him, standing up and walking away leaving us alone. Julian’s face is dead serious. His nostrils are flaring in rage, his eyes are wild and ready to pounce.
“I wouldn’t have drunk it anyway,” I mumble.
“Yes, you would have. What were you thinking?”
I turn to face him this time. His eyes have softened, and they reflect back at me. For a moment, I think I see love, but it disappears as his eyes turn back to the lady with the ebony hair.
“I’m not thinking,” I tell him honestly. “And maybe you should go back to your date.”
It cut like a knife, deep and straight to the base of my heart. Here is the man I love with another woman at a bar. Everything we had that I fought hard for, means absolutely nothing. I can’t fight the pang that’s wildly spreading throughout me, and any ounce of strength I’ve gained in the past week is crumbling at a rapid rate.
“Adriana. It’s not a date. I’m sorry if it looks like that.”
“It looks like you need to get over me, so you’re fucking any slut you can your hands on,” I respond bitterly, maturity out the door while the jealousy dominates and has taken hold. I’ve had enough of this bullshit, and slide off the chair to escape him, but his firm grip on my arm holds me back.
“Tell me, weren’t you doing the same thing a minute ago?”
It’s laughable. “So what if I did? I don’t belong to you. I can fuck whoever the hell I want to.”
I regret my words immediately, but his jealous streak that’s blindly obvious makes me feel less regretful. Good, he’s hurting just as much.
“I need to explain what happened that night at Rocky’s party.”
I wait for his explanation and frustrated, he runs his hands through his messy hair. The second I look away, he lifts my wrist. Oh shit. He’s the last person who needs to see this even though it looks worse than what it is.
“What the fuck is this?”
“It’s not what you think it is. I fell in Charlie’s office.”
“Is that the story you’re going with?”
“Nothing I say or do will make you believe me. Think what you want, Julian. You ended it with me. What I do is no longer any of your concern. Perhaps you should walk back to your girlfriend over there.” I’m on the verge of tears and desperate to escape him. Maybe forever.
“Adriana.” He holds back my arm once again.
“Let me go.”
Through tears, I find Eric and Charlie. One look at me, and they know it’s time to leave.
Outside, we’re just about to get into a cab when Julian calls out my name. I ignore him, but he is quick to hold the cab door open. “Adriana, please don’t do this to yourself,” he pleads.
“The fact that you would think that I’d stoop that low again is what hurts the most. I love you, Julian. Not being with you hurts more than I imagined, but I’m strong, I’ll get through this.”
“Y-You…” he stutters. “You love me?”
I want to say yes. I want to tell him how much I love him, and I want to show him. Those words that are critical to this moment refuse to come out, and no matter how much I try to connect my mind and heart, my lips remain tightly sealed.
“Just stay, why don’t we talk?”
“I’ve nothing left to say.”
“She’s not who you think she is,” he repeats.
“What does it matter anymore? You’re not mine, you can be with whoever you please. I need to go home to my son now. Goodbye, Julian.”
I shrug my arm out of his grip and close the cab door behind me. With Charlie and Eric by my side, the cab drives off, and the strength which consumed me only moments ago falters, and I’m struggling to compose myself. When the bar is out of sight, I think my sobs will release, but I’m drained, and all cried out.
Life is too hard.
Love is too hard.
People keep telling me love will happen again and will just fall into place. Well, I’m ready to give up, defeated and dead-tired of the emotional rollercoaster I’m riding.
It’s all about my son and me now.
I may have missed him, even loved him with all my heart.
And that’s why walking away breaks me harder than when he told me it was over.
“Here, drink this.” Charlie hands me a mug.
It’s hand-painted with pictures of love hearts. I think it’s love hearts, or maybe that’s all I can see right now. On closer inspection, Amelia’s name is scribbled in paint. I take a sip, and the delicious taste of warm chocolate milk delights my taste buds. Charlie sits on the arm of the couch and places her arm around Lex’s shoulder.
“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat? I could make your favorite sandwich if you want?”
I decline the offer, sinking into the couch and allowing the cushions to embrace me. So, this is why people use so many cushions on their couch. I need to tell Julian that the next time…
Except there is no next time.
Charlie announces she is heading to bed due to an early morning court case. She leans down and kisses Lex before disappearing to their bedroom. The cushions surrounding me move as Lex shifts uncomfortably dressed in his pajama bottoms and a white V-neck tee.
“Andy is asleep in Amelia’s room. Why don’t you sleep here?”
I nod, agreeing. It’s all I can muster up. Silence falls between us, and I wish Lex would leave me alone, so I can cry myself to sleep, but he continues to linger.
“Adriana, please stop doing this to yourself,” he orders. “I don’t like seeing you like this…” He is quick to avert his eyes. “I can’t stand to see you like this again.”
He has seen me at my worse, and I mean at the bottom of a hole alone in the dark kind of worse. Sometimes, it feels like I’m a burden on my family, and those are the times I sport that fake smile of mine and reassure everyone I’m great.
This isn’t one of those times despite how much he wants us apart.
“It fucking hurts. I hate that it hurts. Why would he be with someone else?” I don’t expect an answer. I was asking the question to someone who loathes Julian.
Lex’s expression is conflicted, and he lets out a long-winded breath obviously debating whether or not he’s the right person for this conversation. “Fuck, this is hard to even talk about. It’s the case of two scenarios, Adriana. Either it’s not what you think it is, or he is trying to use her to forget you.”
“Is it that easy for a guy to do that? I mean, to have sex with a stranger just to forget?”
“Yes.”
“But I don’t understand. I couldn’t even imagine touching someone wit
hout having a connection.”
“Guys don’t care. I don’t think Charlotte knows this, but after that day I saw her and Julian in the restaurant for the first time, I was desperate for anything to take my mind off her. I thought I was going insane.”
“What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything, the chick did.”
“Oh.”
“I hate even talking about this, and it proves how much I love you, sister, but I have no doubt that it would’ve been the same for Charlotte with Julian. I mean, she runs into me, and her life is turned upside down. What’s the first thing you do?”
You fuck the brains out of your fiancé to forget that your ex, who left you without an explanation nine years ago, just walked back into your life. I don’t know who that hurt the most at this moment, Lex or me. How can I be jealous of something that happened in the past? Where was I three years ago? I was married to a man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. Julian has a past, and so do I. If I didn’t dwell so much on the past, then maybe our future may have had a chance, and I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
“You must really love me to admit that. You know, Lex, this was never about hurting you or Charlie.”
He tilts his head and cracks his neck. “You have to understand my position here, Adriana. He did things that are unforgivable.”
“We all do things that are unforgivable. You aren’t exactly perfect either. We make mistakes, but they are only mistakes if we don’t redeem ourselves and learn from them. I know Julian has his flaws, and I also respect your stance on this, but at the end of the day, I deserve to be loved again, and if it’s with him, you need to accept that. The heart wants what the heart wants.”
“You don’t know what he did to Charlotte—”
“I do know, Lex. You’ve told me, but who am I to judge? It’s like we just sit in this circle of pity and point fingers at each other. Julian has his flaws, but fuck, so do I, and stupidly enough, I let that get between us.”
He bites back without resisting. “You think it’s easy for me to see him near Charlotte given his past? If I lost her… I just couldn’t—”