by Kat T. Masen
“Because my dealer has connections, and to use them, I had to buy this.”
He grits his teeth, and his knuckles are pale white. He used to be an addict. The first rational thought is I need to get rid of this shit. I’ve been there before, succumbed to the white acid to take away the pain. It’s a difficult addiction to overcome, and thank God, I had sense to back away when I knew I was hitting that slippery slope. I am all too familiar with that ‘high,’ and for the sake of finding my nephew, Julian cannot be near this stuff.
We drive down the open freeway without saying a word to each other. An hour into the drive, I pull over along the road in a dark and deserted spot.
“Why are you pulling over?” he asks angrily
“We’re dumping this shit now. You can’t be near it.”
I exit the car and walk outside a few feet from where we’re parked and spread the powder amongst the trees. Done. No fucking temptation when we are looking for Andy. I drive off, and a few moments later, he begins to talk.
“I wouldn’t have used it,” he mumbles.
“That’s what all addicts say.”
“Yeah, well, I fucking mean it. That stuff is deadly. If it weren’t for you coming back into Charlie’s life, I wouldn’t have fucking touched it again.”
My blood has risen, steaming like boiled water. The nerve of this fucking idiot. “You’re going to blame that on me?”
“You have no idea how hard it is to watch someone die in front of your eyes. Watching as their body incinerates, and you can’t do a damn thing to stop it.”
He closes his eyes and releases a deep breath. I’ve no idea, and never want to know what it feels like. I can’t think of anything more terrifying.
“Yeah, well, coke isn’t the answer.”
“You think it was all about Charlie… it wasn’t. It was the fucking coke driving me to do things. Until you’re under the influence, you have no idea how much it can destroy your life and any rational thinking.”
My hands grip tightly on the wheel as I rev the engine, the roar loudly rumbles around us.
“You expect me to forgive you?” I laugh in malice.
“How can I expect you to forgive me when I can’t even forgive myself?”
I don’t respond instantly. What the fuck does he want from me? First, he proposes to my wife. Then, he stalks her, putting her in danger, and now he wants forgiveness so he can steal my nephew and brainwash my sister?
Adriana’s words ring in my head. “We all make mistakes, Lex. We’re all guilty of doing things that are unforgivable.”
Yeah, well, Julian’s list of ‘unforgivable mistakes’ is too long in my eyes. He isn’t going to get an apology from me, but I’m not that inconsiderate. I recognize he has been to hell. It doesn’t excuse anything, and to some extent I understand how easily life can fall apart around you. Nine fucking years of living in hell was enough for me to show a small amount of compassion.
“I’ve been there. When you wake up and realize every decision you have made in your life has been one big mistake and you’ve broken the only person who’s your reason for living, you run to anything that will numb the fucking pain. I spent six months of my life snorting that shit and taking anything else I could get my hands on. Some nights, I had no idea where I was, who was beside me, and what narcotics had been injected into me.”
“Then, you know.”
“I do know. Nobody else knows this. They only saw businessman Lex driven by power and money. They didn’t know that every night I was surrounded by dealers. Pimping their whores and drugs on to me like it was a big fucking game. I’m not proud of that part of my life, and the moment I saw Charlotte again, I knew you wouldn’t stand in my way.”
“It’s done, but just so you know, I love your sister and just like you said, you won’t stand in my way.”
I’m a fucking hypocrite and refuse to admit that openly, so instead, my lips remain tightly sealed as we continue to drive to the motel.
The night has fallen, and only a few lights flicker on the motel sign. I park the car in the almost deserted parking lot, and we both make our way to the front desk. The overweight sleazy man sitting on his fat ass behind the desk doesn’t even turn our way when the sound of the bell rings. Dressed in a greasy wife-beater and shorts, he faces our way when Julian clears his throat. I hold up the picture of Andy and ask him if he has seen him. He stares blankly at the picture and shakes his head.
“Are you sure?” Julian remains calm, not showing any sign of frustration.
The man shakes his head again. I take out my wallet and throw a wad of cash at him. I don’t even count it, and he appears to be pleased, but he doesn’t give any further information, instead, taking the cash and shoving it into his pocket.
I’m losing my cool and am ready to pounce, but Julian places his hand against my chest, holding me back.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t help us.”
What the fuck is this fucker doing!
I follow him outside making our way back to the car. “Now what, huh? Your damn dealer scammed us.”
“Well, tell me what you had in mind, Edwards? Waiting for the cops to do jack all?”
“I don’t know. I’d have done better than you,” I spit back.
“Yeah, well, you’ve done nothing but fucking complain so far.” He moves toward me, eyes wide and full of rage.
“Back the fuck off. I swear, Baker, don’t even fucking think about it,” I seethe.
He grabs my shirt with his fists, and with fast reflexes, I’m about to swing a punch when his face changes, and he lets go, frozen on the spot staring intently at the concrete. He starts to walk away, but I pull his shoulder back. He shrugs it off and kneels to the curbside to pick up a toy car.
“This belongs to Andy,” he says.
“That could be any kid’s car.”
“No, the windows have been colored in black marker. Andy does this to all his cars. I still remember when I asked him about it, he said ‘Uncle Lex has black windows, and I want to be just like him.’”
Andy said that? I crumple to the ground, defeated as the enormity of this situation consumes me. I can’t breathe let alone think of what to do next.
Julian continues to stand towering over me as I sit on the curb. “He’s here.” Julian motions for us sit in the car, so we can talk in private. “We need to come up with a plan.”
“Well, the fat fuck at the front desk doesn’t give answers with cash.”
“Then, we wait.”
We sit quietly, waiting as we watch all the motel rooms hoping for a sign of Andy. I call Charlotte briefly, letting her know where we are, and what is happening. She doesn’t ask too many questions, trusting our handle on the situation.
“Adriana’s asleep. I slipped a pill into her coffee that your mom gave me from your dad’s prescriptions. It won’t last long, though. Please be careful,” she pleads. “And I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I whisper into the speaker.
I hang up the cell and tell Julian that Adriana is sleeping. Amidst the conversation, a motel door opens. A man dressed in a caramel-colored velour tracksuit exits the motel room carrying a can of beer. The dirty scum walks over to the vending machine and nervously looks around. It’s the same man on the video, the mole blatantly obvious as Julian points out. He walks back to the room and closes the door behind him.
Julian and I give each other a look and get out of the car, quietly walking toward the room. I place my ear on the door and hear the sounds of the television. On the count of three, we lean against the door, then force it open barging into the room, The man panics, scurrying to the bathroom and tripping on a suitcase in the middle of the floor.
Julian follows him and grabs his jacket, slamming him against the wall as he yells for help.
“Tell us where Andy is, or you can kiss this life goodbye,” Julian grunts.
“I don’t… I don’t know,” he stammers, shaking his body trying to release himself from J
ulian’s grip.
I lean up against him and place my hand under his neck as Julian holds him against the wall. My grip is tight and choking him to death seems inevitable.
“Tell us now,” I spit back, directly into his face.
He coughs, almost blue in the face. “The next town over. They aren’t here… I swear!”
Julian drops him to the floor, and his body slams against the dirty tile. I’m just about to kick him in the ribs when Julian beats me to it, the man curling over as he begins to cough up blood.
Serves him right, piece of worthless shit!
He catches his breath enough to explain that it wasn’t his idea, that Mary Jean was desperate to take Andy. He only agreed to the plan because she paid him five thousand dollars.
Adriana’s five thousand dollars.
Julian takes his belt off and wraps it around the man’s wrist. I push him out of the room and shove the scum into my backseat warning him if we don’t find Andy, we’ll dump him in the desert for the vultures to feed off him.
It’s only thirty minutes to the next town, but I make it in fifteen, driving at record speed. The sleepy motel appears over the hill, and we pull into the driveway, the gravel hitting the tires as I slam my foot on the brakes. This time, the front desk is manned by an older lady. She hunches as she walks to the counter, lifting her head to look at the photograph Julian holds of Andy. At first, she is reluctant, and then she nods. We beg her for information, and I hand over another wad of cash. She refuses, pushing it back toward me and writes something on a piece of paper. The number says room thirteen. I smile graciously, and we rush out the door in search for room thirteen.
It’s down the very back corner, and as soon as we’re there, I close my eyes for a split second and pray to heaven above that Andy is alive and safe. We repeat our actions, barging our way through the door with our bodies. The room is silent, and immediately I’m drawn to Andy, lying on the bed curled into a ball. I rush over to him and check his breathing. He is asleep.
Relief washes over me as I fall to my knees thanking the Lord he has protected my little boy. I take count of his body, making sure his limbs, fingers, toes, and every part of him is intact. Dressed in his favorite superhero pajamas, he continues to sleep quietly and peacefully.
Julian is standing above Mary Jean. He looks at me, tormented and riddled with guilt as his face falls. Careful not to wake Andy yet, I walk to where Julian is standing and notice the empty bottle of pills beside her. Julian feels her pulse and shakes his head at me.
She is gone.
Beside her, there is a note. I pick it up, taking a deep breath before reading it.
Adriana,
Please forgive me for my mistakes and what led me to this moment. They say there is no greater pain than to bear a child, but burying your own son is much greater.
Every time I stare into Andy’s eyes, I see my baby boy, Elijah. It hurts me every single day, and I can’t escape the grief nor the guilt for still breathing when my son is no longer given the chance.
I know you will take care of my grandson.
You were always meant to be in Elijah’s life and Andy’s mother.
You are the strength I wish I had instilled in me.
Mary Jean
I walk back over to Andy and gently lift him, not wanting him to see Mary Jean in this state. Julian grabs his cell and makes the necessary calls. A minute later, he walks outside the room and stands beside me, stroking Andy’s hair. His eyes start to flutter, and slowly, they open.
“Uncle Lex,” he mutters softly.
I smile at him, relieved and grateful to have him in my arms. “Hey, Andy, everything’s okay.”
He places his thumb into his mouth, but with his eyes wide in fear, he lifts his head and turns to face Julian. Reaching his arms out, he begins to cry, “Jay, I thought you were gone to live with my daddy in heaven.”
Julian motions for me to pass Andy over, and I finally let go.
Safely in his arms, he rocks him back and forth soothing him, easing his fears. “I was gone for a little while, but I’m here to stay. Okay?”
“Don’t ever go, Jay. Makes Mama sad and me sad.”
“I’m not going anywhere, buddy,” he reassures him.
He tells me to call Adriana, and instantly, I grab my cell. She picks up immediately and sobs into the phone as I tell her what happened. Begging to speak to Julian and Andy, I place her on speakerphone.
“Pooh-bear, it’s Mama,” she strains, attempting to control her voice.
“Mama, Grandmama said she misses Daddy. She said she is gone to see him,” he informs us innocently.
Adriana cries softly. “She did miss him, baby. I miss you. Uncle Lex and Jay will bring you home now.”
“Mama, I was scared Jay was going, too, but he said he will stay with us, Mama.”
“Julian, are you there?”
“I’m right here, Adriana.”
“I love you.”
The second Adriana expresses those three powerful words, I know I have no choice.
Julian’s expression is one of complacency, and I’d be an idiot not to see that.
My conscience battles with the good and the bad of it all, and if their love is as forceful as Charlotte’s and mine, there’s no chance in hell I can stop them, even if I try.
Andy nestles himself into Julian’s shoulder, and with ease, he repeats the words back to my sister.
“I love you, too. Time to bring your baby home to you.”
“Thank you,” she tells him.
It’s time to say goodbye as the sounds of the sirens come rushing around the corner, but Adriana quickly stops me. “Lex?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you for everything you do for me. I love you, too. Please come home safely to your family now.”
I struggle to end the call, and as I do, the weight which remains heavily on my shoulders is lifting at a snail’s pace, and it’s triggered by the look that Andy gives Julian.
The same look he gives me.
It’s of adoration, respect, and love.
I’m not immune to jealousy, and for once, I am putting my sister and her son before my own selfish needs as hard as it may be.
They deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to experience love. Whatever it may be—fate, destiny—I no longer care. He will take care of them. I’ll make sure of that, and I finally take a step back and allow the universe to do its own thing.
“Listen, Edwards, I owe you. For getting rid of it before it became a problem,” Julian mumbles under his breath, careful that the cops can’t hear.
“Well, I owe you for saving my wife and baby. Call it even, shall we?”
He nods his head, and that was that.
I look into the sky and stare directly into the stars. “Brother, if you can hear me. I’m leaving it all up to you.”
And from that moment, Elijah will forever protect us.
That was his nature, and this is his calling.
The room falls quiet, and the only sound to grace us is Andy’s tiny snores. The night light is on, not wanting to frighten him with the dark. He is nestled between Julian and me as we struggle to get a grip on how emotionally draining this day has been. Not only is Andy back in my arms, but he’s also here between us.
Us.
With the faint glow allowing Julian to caress my face, we talk in whispers allowing Andy to get some much-needed sleep.
“There are so many questions…” I trail off.
“And so many answers,” he returns.
“What happened the night of the party? I still don’t understand what changed?”
“Plain and simple… those parties are full of crack addicts. My dealer was there.”
It all makes sense now. Julian is strong-willed, but we all have our weaknesses, and if I didn’t lash out with my jealousy, we could’ve talked it through.
“I pushed you when I should’ve listened to you.”
“Yes, you did, but the truth
is that I’m so in love with you that I can’t think rationally. With Lex present, Charlie, and my dealer, the scene was too familiar. It was almost like I was afraid of the past rearing its ugly head. When you came to see me, and I was with Charlie, it was only because my dealer was trying to corner me. I was attempting to look happy and distracted because if he knew I was weak or even thought for a moment I had issues, he’d be all over me so fast, you and I would be back to square one.”
“You can’t resist it if it’s in front of you?”
He stays silent, and I don’t want to push him further.
“Your brother saved me today from possibly making that mistake again.”
“So, then you’re even,” I state, not expecting a response.
“I want to make one thing clear. I haven’t touched the stuff in over a year, but I’m not as strong as you think I am, and that lady at the bar the other night, she is my rehab counselor.”
Wow, how easily I misconstrue things. And how very relieved I am.
“You’re in rehab?”
“I’m not staying in a rehab clinic, but I attend weekly meetings with specialized counselors who help me move forward. I want to be a better person for you, Andy, and most importantly, myself,” he admits.
With his palm resting on my face, I move his fingers toward my mouth and kiss the tips gently.
For now, the nightmare is over.
***
A week had passed since that dreadful day when Andy went missing, and Mary Jean took her own life. Out of respect to the woman who brought Elijah into this world, we buried her alongside him as close family and friends paid their final respects. I promised myself I wouldn’t carry the guilt of her actions for we were all still suffering the loss of Elijah, and individually, we had chosen different paths as a coping mechanism.
It was the wake-up call we all need—life is frighteningly short. That whole tomorrow-I-could-be- hit-by-a-bus saying can’t ring truer. The reality is whether it’s a bus or cancer, it strikes when we least expect it, and when we’re all guilty of thinking it could never happen to us.