Grunts and exclamations of disbelief resounded behind me.
“You will disregard what you just saw,” Doherty instructed the other men. His eyes were narrowed but his expression was controlled.
“What the hell is going on, Captain?” Owen uttered under his breath, meeting my eyes.
“I have no idea, man.” I was totally out of my depth.
Neither of us fought as we were yanked to our feet and marched down through the corridors to the holding cells.
Chapter 4
Ember
* * *
The full moon bathed Rawson’s back garden in soft silvery light. Frost sparkled like a dusting of glitter over the hard ground making the shadows, which lurked by the large bushes and trees, seem malevolent. I shivered and rubbed my arms. Even in my thick toweling robe I was cold. My wolf tried to reassure me that I would be fine, that we would both be fine. I know. I just wish he was here...
“You okay, sweetness?” Lyss walked up behind me, her footsteps as light and delicate as she was.
I turned to face her. In this brilliant shaft of moonlight she looked stunningly beautiful, almost ethereal. She gave a small smile and kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry Rawson’s not here,” she said a frown creasing her brow, and then she added quietly, “or Connor.”
I blinked and tried to return her smile even though my chest ached. It was a poor effort. My wolf was clamouring for release to run in this full moon and I couldn’t hold her back. We both needed the release, and I craved for her to take over for a while, if only so I could lose myself to my feral side and detach my heart from the devastation of losing Connor. “Lyss, you don’t have to apologise for Rawson.” I just couldn’t acknowledge Connor’s name. My heart broke every time I thought of him. “I can manage this alone.” I reassured her. After all, managing alone was how I always ended up. If Rawson or Connor had been here, they would have shifted and run with me. A wolf should never be alone in their Primis. If they couldn’t control their wolf and it took charge, they needed an alpha, or their mate to force a shift back to human form.
Lyss nodded, but she bit her bottom lip.
Worrying wasn’t an option I gave myself, even though I’d changed before, the last time had been when I was seven years old. A year after escaping the burning house my parents had died in, a man had attacked me in an ally. Surviving the attack was only possible because of my wolf. She had burst from my skin, helping me fight and bite my way out of death’s clutches before Fire could react.
No one knew I’d completed my Primis so young. Even I had no idea how I’d done it.
I took a deep breath and released it slowly, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach. This was going to hurt. My bones would break and reshape; every cell in my body would change. And whereas this would normally be done in a small pack with the support of an alpha and others, I would wander this beautiful night alone. I shoved my fear down deep. I had done this before, I could do it again.
I reached out and touched Lyss’s hand. “It’s alright. I’ll be fine alone, Lyss. You go back inside where it’s warm. I’ll see you at dawn.” I tried to sound reassuring but I was scared as hell; not of my wolf, I was well acquainted with my animal spirit, but I wanted to do this alone in case either of us regressed to that time in the alley and I went into survival or attack mode. My self-control since Connor left me on the drive way and never returned was stretched to breaking point.
My wolf whined.
I know you wouldn’t hurt her, not on purpose. But I’d rather not chance it right now.
Lyss nodded and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back, then gently pushed her away. My skin was getting itchy, and my heart was pounding in my ears as I answered the call of the moon. “Go. I’ll be fine.”
Lyss bit her bottom lip. “Are you sure? I really don’t want you to go through this alone.” Her eyes shone with tears. She lifted her hands and slapped them down on her thighs. “Ah, Rawson’s being such a prick! He should be here with you. I’m going to kick his alpha arse when I see him again!” She crossed her arms tightly over her chest.
“Hey, it’s not his fault. He’s not handling Connor’s disappearance well. Hell, neither am I, but….” I shrugged and raised my chin. “I’m a big girl, and I don’t need a man or an alpha to help me do this. I can do it alone.”
“I know you can, sweetness, but the point is, you shouldn’t have to. Everyone needs support at some point in their life.”
“It would be nice, but you’re wrong, I don’t need it. Like I said, I’m fine. Besides you’ll be here when I return.”
She gave me a watery smile.
It took me everything to return it, though I couldn’t be angry with Rawson. Since Connor had disappeared, he’d become obsessed with finding out what happened. Rawson’s slide into neglecting Lyss was sad to see. Lyss didn’t complain outwardly, not for herself anyway, but she didn’t laugh like she used to either, and she had lost some of her charismatic zest for life.
“I will.” Lyss nodded, gave my forehead a swift kiss and walked back through the gate which led into the garden. She closed it and locked it. “I’ll be here at dawn with food and a nice hot cup of tea!” she shouted.
“Thanks,” I murmured and turned away. I had to do this alone. The only person I wanted with me was nowhere to be found. I’d not seen Connor again after our kiss. At first, I thought he was just avoiding me, but then we got the news that he’d disappeared from the SBI radar, too. I rubbed the familiar tightness from my chest and took a deep breath. Something about his disappearance stank. Rawson knew it and so did I. The difference was, he could do something to find Connor. Me? Not so much. I ground my teeth together, facing the dark country lane and the fields. Shadows closed in around me. I didn’t mind. They always protected me from prying eyes and hid me from evil; now they would protect my wolf.
My wolf sent a pulse of reassurance, pushing to get through my body.
Fine. I’m coming! It’s alright for you to say it won’t be as bad this time. Even if it hurts half as much, it’ll not be pleasant.
Another pulse. I swallowed. There were plenty of fields at the back of Rawson’s home. His garden bordered the dark country lane, and on the far side were miles of countryside which led to the outskirts of London.
I shed my robe and slippers, letting the silvery moonlight bathe my naked body. Its power and influence shot through me, and energy filled my body. Howling filled my mind just as pain erupted through my limbs. Blood roared through my ears, my pulse racing while my bones simultaneously cracked and reshaped. I screamed as my internal organs restructured and hair pushed through my skin. Within seconds, the pain passed, and I lurched forward onto all four of my legs.
My wolf howled at being allowed to break free of my human body. Observing from inside her, I gave her control and sat back, determined to enjoy the ride. Seeing the world in a vivid expanse of sights, sounds and smells was extraordinary. With a grunt of joy, my wolf bounded across the road and into the fields beyond.
I wrapped my damp robe around me, my frozen fingers slipping as I tried to tie the belt, and missed for the third time.
Lyss gently pushed my hand away. “Let me help.”
I stretched my fingers then curled them into fists. In and out, then I shook my hands, willing the tremors and throbbing in my fingertips to disappear. It had proved harder to command my wolf to return to my human body than it had been to free her. Despite my frozen fingers and toes, my skin was on fire and my bones ached.
“It’ll get easier, you know,” Lyss said. It wasn’t a question, more a soft reassurance.
I smiled and nodded, not sure if I was trying to convince her or me that I agreed. Last night, my wolf ran free for at least two hours, enjoying the thrill of chasing rabbits through the fields and revelling in the energy of the moon. Even my sadness over Connor was quenched for a while—until my wolf decided she needed some fun of a different kind. I realised her intent and tried to stop her, but it was no use, s
he didn’t listen, even when I screamed from inside her.
In the shadows, she prowled around the fencing of Connor’s modest home, but he was nothing if not security conscious. Her determination to get inside, nearer to the faint scent she recognised as her chosen mate, left a hole in my heart. Hours later, no matter how much I pleaded with her to stop, she shimmied on her belly, under the fencing and through the hollow she dug in the soil. It didn’t matter that I reminded her he disappeared months ago, when she saw that Connor’s house was dark and empty, she howled and howled and refused to leave.
I blinked tears from my eyes. I had cried so much since the SBI informed us that Connor had disappeared on assignment and was presumed dead. After our kiss, I longed to see him again. My head was certain that he wouldn’t want me, that he would break me if I let him in, but my heart didn’t care. With every day that passed, I’d still hoped he’d return and tell me he wanted me as much as our wolves wanted each other—until the day we knew he was gone and all our lives changed...
Lyss hissed and took hold of one of my hands. “Oh my god! What did she do?”
I stared in a detached fashion at my broken and bleeding nails. Until me and my wolf were used to shifting and fully in sync, it would take a few hours; but they would still heal. Not so much my heart.
“Oh, sweetie.” Lyss’s voice was soft. “She tried to find Connor, didn’t she?”
I nodded, unable to stop the sob that shook its way free of my chest.
“I thought...I mean, I guessed a long time ago you were going to be something special to each other, but I didn’t know your wolf…” her voice petered out. “...that your wolves were possible mates.”
I’d never told her about what had happened between me and Connor, or how my wolf had tried to bond with his. It had seemed private at the time and now there was no point. “It’s okay, Lyss, she’s just having a hard time accepting he’s gone.” I forced the words out, my voice thick with emotion. My limbs shook and all I wanted was to curl into a ball and sleep. At least then the pain would go away for a while.
Lyss sighed. “Yeah, she’s not the only one. Come on, let’s get you inside. Then you can eat and go to bed for a few hours.”
The November morning was frozen, the world sparkling with a glittering beauty I couldn’t appreciate. I wrapped my arms around myself for warmth, my mind full of Connor. Lyss put her arm around my shoulders, and started guiding me through the back garden to the kitchen. We were about half way across the lawn when the back door burst open. We both hesitated and gaped at Rawson. He spent most of his time at the bureau now—or elsewhere. Neither of us knew where he was most of the time. He never told us, and we’d given up asking. He only came home once a week, if that, some weeks, and even then he was distant.
Lyss looked him up and down, her eyes flashing. He was a mess. He’d lost weight and obviously hadn’t shaved for days. His hair was longer and unkempt, looking like he’d run his hand through it for hours. Even though we’d both agreed Connor’s disappearance, or death, or whatever the bureau wanted to call it, was suspicious, I didn’t know why Rawson was so obsessed by it to the point he’d neglect Lyss. But there was definitely something eating away at him. I narrowed my eyes. After last night, being included in whatever he was doing to uncover what happened to Connor was top of my list. I’d make Rawson tell me why he’d lost his shit. If Connor was dead, then both me and my wolf needed to know so that we could accept it, even if I would never really move on. I curled my bleeding fingers into fists, hissing at the fresh wave of pain.
Rawson strode to meet us, his gaze flicking warily from Lyss to me and back again.
It was impossible to miss the anger emanating from Lyss, even though she watched him carefully. My heart broke for them; they’d been so happy before Connor had died.
Rawson didn’t meet Lyss’s glare. Instead, he stopped a foot from us, staring down at the patio as if trying to find the right words to say. For an awkward moment we all stood in silence.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” Rawson raised his head and looked at me.
I believed him, I really did, but it didn’t matter. There was a gaping hole in my heart. All my emotions had poured from me last night, and now I was hollow, just like I’d been when the fire took my parents. I’d wanted to find Connor as much as my wolf, but his disappearance had also destroyed the people I cared about most. I swallowed hard. I was withdrawing from them, but that realisation didn’t frighten me as much as it should have. Distancing myself seemed easier than waiting for their inevitable break up. I was realistic enough to know that either one of them—or both—could ask me to leave. I was an extra burden that they didn’t need, and I was old enough to fend for myself now. My emergency bag was already packed; money, clothes, weapons, even a fucking photo of the three of them; they were more my family than my parents, who were just a faded memory now. I could leave at a moment's notice. My heart stuttered. I always assumed I would be okay with running when the time came. Only now I realised I didn’t want to leave any of them.
“Why?” Lyss snapped at Rawson, her fingers digging into my skin. It wasn’t worth pointing it out, not when I understood that her heart was hurting far worse than the physical pain she was inflicting on me. Yes, she’d lost Connor, but she’d also lost the man she loved even though he was standing in front of her. The worst of it was, neither of us knew why Rawson was so determined to discover what had happened, and he wouldn’t elaborate; he just told us it was safer for us if we didn’t know.
“I should have been here. I, well, Ember’s my responsibility, too. It was her Primis and I missed it...I’m sorry…” he said, shoving his hands through his hair again.
“It’s fine.” Seeing them argue was worse than my aching bones, damaged skin or even the constant emptiness that dragged at me. They were alive and real—and my family. It was awful to see them in such pain.
“I meant why weren’t you here? Not why are you sorry, you shit.” Lyss’s eyes flashed, her fingers releasing me.
Rawson’s spine straightened at the challenge in her tone.
I swallowed hard, recognising that reaction. The contempt in his mate’s voice called to him, commanding he respond...as an alpha, not some down and out excuse for the man he had become.
Rawson turned to me, his grey eyes now deep brown and stormy as his bear surfaced. “Em, go inside. Grab something to eat and get some rest. I’ll be here when you get up.” Fixing his attention back on Lyss, his voice growled up from his chest. “Right now. There’s something I need to do.”
Lyss went to walk past him but Rawson was having none of that. He grabbed her wrist. She slapped him with her free hand; a resounding slap that rang in the air. Electricity, lust and so many other emotions thickened the air between them. Time for me to go.
I held the sides of my robe together and hurried into the house, my freezing bare feet slapping on the stone path. I turned, but hesitated to close the door. Rawson had speared one hand into Lyss’ tumbling blond hair and held her with the flat of his other hand in the curve of her lower back. His pelvis pushed against hers and he leaned close to her ear. His lips moved and though I couldn’t hear his words, even with my shifter hearing, I could see the desperation in his face. Lyss pushed against his chest and shook her head. Rawson’s expression darkened and his lips moved again.
Lyss hissed something up at him. Maybe I couldn’t hear, but when he tilted his head, I could read Rawson’s reply on his lips.
Because I love you. More than anything in this world.
Her face crumpled and she pounded his solid chest with a fist. He held her and leaned his forehead against hers, whispering more words. Lyss stared at him then grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down. Their mouths met in a passionate kiss that left me both hot all over and even more hollow. I was the worst kind of voyeur, watching them, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Their passion was mesmerizing. Rawson pulled back and rested his forehead against hers again. They spoke a few mo
re words before he kissed her—tenderly this time—and thoroughly.
I swallowed my tears hoping this meant they could work on their issues. Then I sighed, a few hot kisses, even some steamy make up sex couldn’t always fix a relationship. I turned away, closed the door, flung open a cupboard and pulled out a loaf of bread. My stomach growled as I dropped a couple of slices in the toaster.
The door swung open and Rawson barged in. Both him and Lyss remained silent as he led her upstairs to the third floor of the house and into their own space. I breathed through the heavy sense of power Rawson left behind, not to mention the sultry scent of their lust. I hung my head trying to ignore my aching loneliness. The house was silent other than the click of the timer on the toaster. I cocked my head. There was no noise of sex, make up or otherwise, or even yelling from upstairs. Maybe they were talking; gods knew they needed to.
The toast pinged up, making me jump. I dropped it onto a plate and carefully buttered it. Taking a seat on a bar stool l attempted to eat, but Connor’s face wouldn’t leave my mind, the sensation of his lips on mine was as raw as if it had only been yesterday that he’d kissed me. I pushed my plate across the granite breakfast bar and stared out of the window into the garden. My wolf curled up tighter into the small ball of energy that was her heartbroken soul.
Trying the toast again, just to get rid of the nausea in my gut, didn’t help a bit. Even the cup of coffee I’d made did nothing to make the toast slide down my gullet. Both were now cold, the toast like chewing rubber. I gave up and dropped it down onto my plate, wrinkling my nose. With a grunt, I pushed my stool back and threw my wasted food in the bin.
Brewing more coffee only took a moment. I grabbed my earbuds and phone and headed to my room, exhaustion weighing my limbs down. I had forgotten how hard shifting was. Outside my window, the countryside melted into the distant London skyline as a low early morning mist swathed the fields like a blanket.
Shadow Sentinels: Beginnings (A Paranormal/Urban Fantasy Wolf Shifter Romance) Page 6