“But if that’s your vision and you’re sold on it, I can deal with having a wedding at home and having all of our friends and family over for one day.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning into his chest as she imagined how the event would turn out with so many people in their home. He read her mind because that was exactly what she’d been thinking.
“Like I said before . . . anything to see that beautiful smile of yours. Well, let me clarify that. Anything within reason,” he said and chuckled.
“I’m going to hold you to that in more ways than one,” she said, breaking the embrace and pulling him by the hand to the kitchen island to sit.
Caleb was glad to see Raegan in a better mood and he hoped that he had something to do with it. Losing the baby proved to be more heartbreaking than he’d ever thought possible. How was he going to tell her about Nicholas? He decided to test the waters just to see where she stood on the children issue. They had never really talked about it in detail. Still holding onto her hands, he opened the subject for discussion.
“Cami, how soon are you willing to get pregnant again?” He hoped it wasn’t too soon to bring it up, but he wanted to see where her feelings were.
“Where did that come from? Are you trying to tell me that you want to start trying as soon as we get married?” She wondered if he thought that working on another baby would help her get over their recent loss.
“We don’t necessarily have to actively try, but we don’t have to do anything to prevent it in any way, if that’s okay with you. You have to do most of the work, so I’ll leave that up to you; we can try as soon as you feel ready.”
“Okay, let me think about that for a while. I haven’t given it much thought considering what happened,” her voice trailed off as the images of losing her baby flashed through her mind.
“You know, Cami, we’ve never really discussed your feelings about losing the baby. Tell me . . . how are you dealing with that? You haven’t really talked to me about it,” Caleb said as he tugged on the barstool where she sat, pulling her closer to him. He wanted her to know that she could talk to him about anything. Even that.
Raegan sighed as she pondered his question. She’d been trying to deal with it in her own way. Alone. Although Caleb said he would treat the child as his own, a part of her felt awkward sharing her loss with him since the child wasn’t his biologically.
“You know honey . . . I’m okay. I think I’ve had enough time to grieve. The doctor assured me that the accident does not affect me carrying another child,” she said as she rubbed her belly. “I feel terrible for even thinking this, but not having Rico’s baby assures me that I no longer have to deal with any part of him. Losing the baby broke my heart, but knowing that I’ll never have to deal with him in any way gives me a sense of peace.” She bowed her head to hide the shame she felt for thinking and revealing her true feelings.
She had not really discussed how it made her feel to know that the child she was carrying belonged to Rico. Although she already loved her baby, she couldn’t deny that the baby would be a constant reminder of all the things that went wrong in her life with Rico. Fornication. Adultery. Lies. She was glad to be rid of him even if that meant losing her baby. She truly felt bad for thinking that, but it was the truth.
“Come here,” Caleb said, lifting her from the barstool and pulling her onto his lap. “Don’t forget that you have me to lean on. I don’t ever want you holding something like that inside. While it’s true that Rico betrayed you, you can’t hold on to the hurt. I love you and I hope that’s enough to help you through the pain. We’re finally getting ready to have the life we wanted. You and me. And many babies,” he chuckled.
She playfully pushed him away at the sound of “many babies.”
“I didn’t say all of that. A couple. Not many.” She smiled and pulled him close for a kiss. Not missing a beat, he returned the kiss, thankful that the elephant was out of the room. Now if only he could tell her about Nicholas. Seeing she seemed to still be in a tender place, he chose to keep it to himself. Now still wasn’t the best time.
CHAPTER 25
“You just want to control me!” Tammy screamed at Joshua. She was getting fed up arguing with him about money. Although they managed to collaborate on the assignment Reverend Wright had given to them, their issues still hadn’t been resolved.
“Why does this have to be so difficult, woman?” Joshua said, equally frustrated but without elevating his voice as Tammy had. He rubbed his hands over his face trying to keep his cool as much as possible.
“Excuse me? Look around you, Josh!” She twirled slowly. “I think I have managed to do quite well with money so far. You’re standing in a house that I purchased by myself. I didn’t ask you or anyone else for anything!”
“I never said you haven’t managed your money well, Tammy.” Joshua plopped down on the couch and rubbed his temples. He was tired of having the same argument with her. She never wanted to listen because she was so caught up on the notion that he wanted to control her.
“You may not have said it directly, but you say it every single time we have this conversation. You’re starting to sound like a broken record,” she said through clenched teeth.
“And you’re acting like a selfish teenager! That’s the Tammy I know. Always wanting things her way. Never wanting to listen to anyone. That is why we separated in the first place!” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could catch himself. He’d been holding back his feelings regarding their separation for a long time. He never wanted to shift all the blame onto her for their failed relationship, but right now she was pushing his buttons. Why can’t she see that I only want what’s best for our family? Our future? If something ever happened to me, I want to make sure that she is well taken care of for years to come, he thought to himself. “You’re so self-centered!”
“What did you say?” Tammy spun around. “How dare you? I wasn’t the only selfish one in our relationship. Don’t you dare blame me!” Tammy’s voice remained elevated.
Joshua’s words lit a fire in Tammy and their arguing escalated, each of them throwing stones from their past. Joshua had never expressed how much their separation hurt him, but in Tammy’s defense, she didn’t believe that it bothered him much since he never did much to mend their relationship.
“Oh yeah! You were selfish and you know it!”
“Well I guess that makes two of us! You knew how to find me, but wait, basketball was your one true love, right?”
“Didn’t you ever think for one moment that I needed you, my wife, by my side? But what did you do? Run off to Texas!” He stood and closed the gap between them; his voice was now raised, matching her tone. He pointed to the floor next to him to emphasize his point as his nose flared and eyes tightened.
Needed me? Tammy never considered that Joshua needed her and he certainly never told her that. She presumed that basketball was all he needed since that was all he pursued after she left. Her arms dropped from her hips in surrender and her eyes became misty. So me leaving is really what this is all about?
“Wait, I’m sorry. We’re getting off topic and all of this screaming back and forth is not going to help us solve the problem,” he said gently and in a much quieter tone when he noticed her defeated stance and the tears welling up in her eyes. He wasn’t trying to hurt her with his words. He remembered the Bible verse that he’d been studying all week, Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. He was intent on being the peacemaker in this situation because he needed her to see where he was coming from. And his mission was definitely not to control her or make her feel guilty over what happened in their past.
“Please sit,” he commanded. Joshua pulled her onto the sofa in front of him, his legs on either side of her.
Joshua caressed Tammy’s arms, nuzzled his head into her neck and apologized for bringing up past hurts, especially since they agreed they would move on. Tammy stopped him because she didn’t rea
lize he felt that way. The truth of the matter is that she had been very selfish when it came to their marriage and he had every right to release his pent-up frustration. There was no way he would have held that in forever; better now than later.
After sorting through unresolved feelings, they still had to come to an agreement on their money issues. Joshua spoke gently, not wanting another argument, explaining his desire for them to have a budget and what that looked like to him—allocating money to give to church, savings, bills, and miscellaneous spending or what he liked to call play money. He turned her attention to the spreadsheet he had begun to build on his laptop. He thought she would be able to understand his point of view a lot better if she could see the numbers.
Tammy thought about the circumstances surrounding Joshua’s health. She understood his concern and his need to make sure that everything was in place just in case something went terribly wrong.
Sitting down talking through it made Tammy realize that Joshua didn’t have an I’m the man, do what I say attitude. She actually agreed with him after going over his spreadsheet, but she knew there would have to be some compromise. She didn’t want to go crazy, but since they could afford certain things, she planned to make sure that she had access to them: regular spa treatments, trips, and luxury cars. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask.
∞
After several hours of that gruesome but much needed discussion, Joshua placed the laptop aside and carried Tammy to their bedroom, gently placing her into the center of the bed.
“There’s something else we need to talk about, sweetheart,” Joshua said between planting kisses on her neck. Tammy rolled her eyes. She’d had enough serious discussion for the night.
“And that would be?”
“Babies,” Joshua whispered into her ear after kissing it. He ended his shower of kisses to get a good look at her. She was no doubt tired, but the glimmer in her eyes was unmistakable.
“Really?” She raised up on her elbows and lifted her head to kiss him. Now that was something she could talk about and was, in fact, ready to discuss. Lately, he had been so consumed with his bank account that she didn’t even want to bring up the topic of starting a family.
Joshua nodded and positioned himself to sit on the bed, pulling Tammy into a sitting position as well, so that she was facing him. Joshua’s heart danced in his chest as he awaited a more definite response from her.
Tammy was ready. However, she needed to think about her career. When they agreed that Joshua would recover in Texas, they also agreed that he would allow her to move forward in her career and that he would support her in that; she wasn’t sure how a baby would affect her career mobility, although she looked forward to having little Joshuas and Tammys running around. But then there was his heart condition. Would I have to worry about our children having a heart condition too? That thought alone overwhelmed her.
Joshua waved his hand in front of Tammy’s face because she seemed to be having the conversation in her mind. “Babe, are you with me?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. I like the sound of ‘babies.’” She gave a toothy grin and pulled him in for a kiss.
“Umm, so does that mean you’re ready to start? With a kiss like that, please tell me you’re ready,” he groaned, his face about an inch away from hers.
“Practice makes perfect,” she answered and lowered his head to hers as she lay down on the bed. She wanted babies but she also wanted her career. That would have to be one more hurdle they needed to cross before they could live their happily ever after.
CHAPTER 26
Raegan and Caleb had begun planning the backyard wedding, but the details were becoming overwhelming to a point where they decided to scratch the idea and allow the professionals to handle it. They could only imagine what their wedding day would be like if it mirrored the chaotic planning. That idea was nice in theory, but there was no way they could manage keeping their house in order and getting people to leave when it was time. La Tranquila Ranch became their venue of choice—giving them everything they wanted for their special day without the hassle of having the wedding and reception in their own backyard. For Raegan, having the ceremony in a church was out of the question. Raegan was relieved when she and Caleb came to that agreement—the last thing she wanted was to relive memories of walking down the aisle to Damian in the church and every moment after. A fresh atmosphere was best.
Because they both agreed to have a small guest list, they narrowed down guests to about fifty people. Only close family and friends were invited; and because they both had small families, that number worked out perfectly. The next few weeks were spent doing cake tastings, selecting the reception menu, finalizing the guest list based on RSVPs, securing a photographer and taking care of their wardrobes.
Many times during the wedding planning, Caleb wanted to stop and tell Raegan about Nicholas, but he was certain that she would want to put a hold on the wedding. She had gone through so much over the last couple of months that she was too fragile to deal with the situation rationally, so he continued to withhold Nicholas’ existence. He convinced himself that he needed more time and so did she. Besides, he’d put off returning to Atlanta to get the results since they started the wedding planning. Somehow not having the official results gave him yet another excuse to withhold the information.
∞
Once again Raegan found herself on the arm of her father waiting to walk down the aisle to marry the man she’d always wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She stood taking in the scenery—from the beautiful white chairs adorned with white lilies on either side of the aisle to her grinning groom waiting to take her hand in marriage.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, baby girl?” Her father leaned over and whispered, reminding her of the last time he walked her down the aisle to a waiting groom.
“I’ve never been so sure of anything,” she assured her father, smiled and kissed him on the cheek.
Etta James’ At Last began to play through the speakers, signaling that it was time for her to join her groom at the staged altar, which was an arch adorned with gardenias. Raegan glided toward Caleb on the arm of her father, oblivious to the smiling faces of friends and family and camera phones held up from all directions.
She wanted to remember every part of that moment—the joy in Caleb’s face and the mouthing of “you look beautiful.” A black tuxedo with a mint green cummerbund and tie covered his muscular, six-foot frame. His brown eyes glistened and his smile reminded her of the day she first met him. He waited for her outside of their business calculus class to ask if she would tutor him. Both he and she knew that he didn’t need her help, but that was the only way he knew to ask her out, and she had a crush on him so she accepted.
She held his gaze and mouthed back, “I love you,” as tears escaped her eyes. The time had finally come for her to marry the one God kept for her until it was time. The words in Maurette Brown Clark’s song could not have rung truer in that moment.
The ring bearer whispered to Caleb, “She looks like an angel.”
“I know. God sent her to me,” Caleb agreed, and that is what he believed. He loved her more than he had ever loved any woman, and he was thankful that she’d accepted his proposal and agreed to spend the rest of her life loving him.
As Raegan neared the altar, Caleb inhaled slowly and deeply and took in her beauty. He was always enthralled with the way her curls flowed loosely over her back. Her skin looked even more silky than usual as it sparkled with what appeared to be some kind of body glitter. Her fairytale wedding dress made her look as if she was a princess—white, sequined and strapless with a sweetheart neckline, lace-up back, beaded trim, along with a three-foot train, decorated with a water lily pattern. The sunlight highlighted the crystal beading, rhinestones and sequins perfectly. Her silver pumps added another two inches to her height and the wedding veil was pinned to her hair with a pearl clip.
Raegan’s father placed her hand into Caleb’s, patted his back, kiss
ed Raegan’s cheek once more and added, “Welcome to the family, son.” Caleb and Raegan then walked hand in hand and stood in front of the preacher to begin the ceremony.
As the ceremony progressed, Raegan and Caleb stood hand in hand, face to face, smiling and whispering “I love you.”
When it came time to say their vows, Caleb went first. They had prepared their own vows. Caleb’s heart was so full of joy that his vows sounded more like a speech.
“Raegan Camille Sanders . . . It was as if the Lord smiled down on me the day I met you. I’m forever thankful for the day you agreed to tutor me,” he said, chuckling softly. “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with the Lord. You, babe, are my favor. I love you with all of my heart and I vow to do my best to show you that by waking up each day, dying to myself and living for us. I vow to keep you first and be attentive to your needs as your husband. I vow to put your needs before mine and do all that I can to make sure that you are well taken care of in every area of your life when it is in my power to do so. I chose you the moment I laid eyes on you, and today I want to thank you for choosing me too. Some days you may regret that choice but I pray that you are happy about it more times than not.” He smiled and wiped away a lone tear sliding down her cheek before finishing with, “I love you Cami, and each day the good Lord allows me to live, I will show you that. . . . By the way, you look gorgeous today.”
“My sweet Caleb,” Raegan began, her throat hurting from choking back tears. She exhaled deeply to regain her composure before she continued. “You’re welcome.” She giggled nervously while he and the guests laughed. She bit her bottom lip in an attempt to hold back the tears again. She never would have thought she’d be so emotional.
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