If she lets you anywhere near her again...
* * *
Ash is my saviour. He talks to the reception staff, gets the necessary directions to the ICU, and his arm is a constant around me, a welcome hold that gives me heat, strength, courage.
I know the ICU is bad news. And I think in some way that impedes my step, as if seeing her there will confirm my fears. Even though I always knew it would come to this, I thought we had some time. But not now—not while I was away.
‘What if she’s not conscious?’
I think the words come out, but it’s not until Ash speaks that I know they have for sure.
‘Let’s just wait and see what they say, hey?’
‘But what if I don’t get to say goodbye? What if she goes and I haven’t told her that I love her? What...?’
I can’t talk any more as the tears take over and Ash pulls me into him, stopping us altogether. He kisses my head and cups my jaw, encouraging me to look up at him.
‘Remember what she always told you? “Stiff upper lip”?’ He mimics me and I laugh through my tears as I nod. ‘So, come on, get those Lauren genes going and put up a front she’d be proud of. You can tell her all those things whether she’s sleeping or not, just as soon as you get through those doors.’
I smile. It’s pathetic, but it’s there, and he brushes his thumbs over my eyes, sweeping away the tears.
‘Good girl. Now, come on...let’s—’
‘What the actual fuck?’
I freeze mid-sniff, sense Ash turn rigid, his face losing all colour as he looks past me to the doors we’re about to go through.
I turn to see Philip gawping at us. ‘Calm down,’ I say. ‘This is—’
‘I know who he is, Coco.’ His eyes are pinned on Ash, unmoving. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’
I frown, unable to understand his words. What does he mean? How can he possibly know who Ash is?
Before I can say anything, Ash is pushing me back behind him, forming a human shield, his hand palm-out to Philip.
‘Easy, Lauren—let’s talk about this later, not here.’
‘Not here?’
Philip’s brows rocket, spit forming with his words. I’ve never seen him this angry.
‘I’m a bloody fool. I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner. Are you two in cahoots? Is that what this is? You turning the tables on me?’
He’s not making any sense. ‘Ash?’ I say to his back, but he doesn’t even turn. ‘Ash?’
Now he looks at me, his eyes hard, impenetrable.
My brother starts to laugh, a wild, hysterical cackle.
‘Oh...she doesn’t know.’ He shakes his head. ‘My God, have you been playing us both? Getting Lauren money every which way?’
‘Ash?’
It’s a squeak now. My stomach is turning over. Bile is creeping up my throat and making it hard to breathe, to move, to think.
‘Coco...’
He turns in to me, his hands reaching to cup my upper arms, but I’m stumbling back, breaking away. ‘What does Philip mean?’
My brother sneers. ‘I’ll tell you what it’s about—’
‘Shut the fuck up, Lauren,’ Ash throws at him. ‘This is our business.’
Philip steps towards him. ‘Funny, that. Last time I checked I was paying you to dish the dirt on her.’
His words wash over me like ice and fire all at once. I think of Ash’s job. I think of what he’s paid to do. Then I think of the Ash who has made love to me, protected me. I can’t make them merge and my head starts to spin, my stomach lurches, and I know I’m going to vomit as I double over with a retch.
‘Coco...’
Ash bends to me, his hand gentle on my back, but I thrust him away. His touch burns me with betrayal.
‘Go! Get out of here! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone.’
I push past them both, fighting through the tears to make out the route to the ladies’ room.
‘Coco, please let me explain—’
He’s hot on my heels but I can’t... I can’t... I can’t deal with this now.
I push through the lavatory door, but Ash doesn’t give up—he’s in there with me.
‘Get out,’ I say, turning to him and backing up against the sinks.
‘Please, Coco, I—’
A toilet flushes and an elderly lady steps out. She takes one look at me and the tall, foreboding man and swipes him with her handbag.
‘The lady said get out! We may be living in the modern age, but the ladies’ room still means it’s for ladies, you brute.’
His eyes look to me pleadingly. He’s barely aware of the woman shoving her little hand at him, her bag making repeated contact with his chest.
‘Please, Coco, you have to hear me out.’
My eyes water with a fresh wave of tears and I can’t even see him properly. He’s just a blurry outline as he relents to the pressure of my impromptu bodyguard and backs out.
I once saw him in that role. A bodyguard. A good man, exposing bad people for the benefit of the weak and vulnerable.
I had been the bad person in his eyes.
Philip was the good.
I turn to the sink as I hear the door open and then swoosh closed. There’s a muttered ‘Good riddance. That showed him, love. Now, are you okay?’
I shake my head. How can I be? I’ve avoided getting seriously involved with anyone because money is always the endgame—my family’s money and status. I fell for Ash because I thought he was different.
Turns out he wasn’t different at all. He was after Lauren money, just as every guy had been before him. And I was fool enough to fall for it.
‘If it helps, I think he looked fit to cry himself,’ says my rescuer.
My head just keeps shaking, as if I can magic it all away, pretend it isn’t true.
Only, it is true.
And there’s no explanation he can give that will take away the reality that he’s being paid by Philip to dish the dirt on me. And, boy, have I given him plenty.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I LOOK UP at the hospital entrance across the road, my hands thrust in my pockets. It’s been a week since I was last here, my world in tatters at my feet as I was forced to walk away.
Not a second has gone by without me thinking of her; even my dreams tease me with a mixture of reality and fantasy, happy and sad. But I can’t take it any more.
I know her grandmother has recovered enough to be admitted to a ward and is making good progress. She may even get to go back home. I’ve gleaned all this by getting hold of her friend Grace’s number. I haven’t used my network of contacts and I certainly haven’t gone to Philip. My life as a PI is over, my taste for it ruined by my thoughtless prejudice, epic misjudgement and the devastating consequences it has had on the one person I have come to love so much that every second without her physically hurts.
And that’s why I’m here—to tell her. To be honest, to bare my soul if I have to—it’s all I have left to give, if she lets me get that far.
I watch the doors—watch the people milling in and out, the smokers who look like they’re at death’s door, getting another fix, the friends and relatives taking a patient out for a stroll—and then I see her, her blonde bob dancing as she walks, head down, her eyes on her phone, focused and not breaking step.
A quick flick of the eyes up to check the road is clear and then she’s crossing it, a few strides down from me. I try to call out and my voice is stuck, nerves closing my throat over. I start after her as a vehicle comes tearing around the corner, speeding for the entrance, just as she steps off the pavement.
‘Coco!’ I grab her arm and pull her up against me as the vehicle screeches to a halt, doors flying open, people shouting. But it’s all tuned out as I lose myself in those green eyes that I’ve m
issed so goddamn much. ‘You shouldn’t walk and text.’
She shrugs her arm out of my hold. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’
I swallow, my hand falling helplessly to my side. ‘Please...can we talk?’
I know she wants to deny me; I can see it in her narrowed gaze, the hard set of her jaw. But then she turns and starts to make for the car park.
‘You’ve got until I get to my car.’
I let go of a trapped breath and fall into step beside her. ‘I meant over coffee...somewhere more private.’
She laughs, harsh and loud. ‘What? So you can try to seduce your way into my trust like you did before? Tell me, Ash, how many unsuspecting souls have you seduced to get the information you need?’
I pale under the assault of her words...at how low she thinks I’ll sink. ‘I’ve never slept with a target before.’
‘A target?’ She repeats it thoughtfully, derisive. ‘So that’s what I am?’
‘No, not you—not now.’
‘Oh, wow—lucky for me.’
Her voice is so high-pitched, so angry, and she picks up her pace, her fingers trembling as she rakes them through her hair and clutches her bag tighter over her shoulder.
‘How long were you following me?’
I shake my head, not wanting to tell her but knowing I have to. ‘I don’t know...a few weeks.’
‘Every day?’
‘Most days.’
‘The charity galas, lunch dates, hospital visits, shopping trips? There you were, in the shadows?’
She shudders and it resonates down my spine like a chilling trickle. This is going badly—worse than even my garbled imaginings.
‘Please, Coco, forget everything you think you know about us—how we met, what you think I did or lied about... Coco.’ I reach for her arm but then think better of it. ‘Coco, stop—just for a second—and look at me.’
She stops, but she doesn’t turn.
‘Please, Coco.’
My voice shakes, desperate, fearful. But I have to do this—I have to tell her. Even if she walks away again, at least she’ll know the truth.
Slowly she turns, her tormented green eyes lifting to mine. I don’t dare close the gap between us, scared of having her move off again. At least she’s looking at me now. And I know I look like shit, but I don’t care. I hope it will help show her what this is doing to me.
‘Spit it out, Ash.’
She raises her chin and wraps her arms around herself.
‘I love you.’
It trembles out of me, and it feels so good to say it, but she doesn’t react. Not even a blink. Did she not hear?
‘I love you, Coco.’
Her lashes flutter, her eyes water, and I push on.
‘I love you like I’ve never loved anyone in this world. I love you more than you can possibly begin to imagine. I didn’t set out to hurt you. I set out on a job, where everything was black and white. He was good; you were bad. You were like Jess.’
Her head shakes, her nostrils flare. ‘Don’t think I haven’t figured that much out.’
‘But you’re not. Christ, I knew that before I even met you in the club. I’d been tailing you for weeks, falling in love with you a little bit each day.’
She looks away. ‘Now you just sound like a stalker.’
‘I know.’ I rake my hand over my hair. ‘But I mean it. I followed you and discovered the real you—the person with a heart so big you spend your days seeing that other people are happy, and to hell with your own happiness.’
‘Then why didn’t you just tell Philip that and piss off?’ Her eyes spear me, fresh tears welling, and her cheeks streak red. ‘Why did you have to get close to me? Why did you have to make me care about you? Why?’
Oh, God, this is crushing me. I want to reach for her, pull her in, make everything all right. But I know she’ll run even if I dare.
‘I didn’t make you care about me. The person you ended up caring about is still me—how I’ve been with you is all real, all me.’ I take a breath and plough on. ‘That night in the club when you...propositioned me... I would’ve walked away had you been anyone else but you—I would have been able to. But I couldn’t. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.’
She snorts out a laugh and wipes the back of her hand across her eyes. ‘So you’re blaming your dick now?’
‘No, I’m blaming my goddamn heart!’
She sniffs, her eyes widening over my outburst. But, hell, I’m going out of my mind. Why can’t I get it through to her that I love her?
‘I couldn’t leave you—not when I understood that Philip would stop at nothing to ruin your reputation. I knew that if it wasn’t me then another PI would be hired to tail you—a fact Philip proved when he did exactly that—and there was no preventing what they’d find. Your presence at Blacks, the things that go on there... Another PI wouldn’t be as bound to their own loyalties as me.’
‘You mean your friendship with Jackson?’
‘Yes.’
‘So really I have Jackson to thank that you didn’t dish the dirt?’
I shake my head, frustration mounting, my pulse racing.
‘I stuck around to protect you—don’t you get it? I kept him from getting what he needed even though I knew I was falling for you—falling for you and having to lie at the same time, hating myself for it even as I loved you.’
Her head is shaking rapidly. ‘That’s not love, and that’s not honesty. Trust—you should have trusted me with it.’
‘I couldn’t. I was scared. So scared of what you would do. Scared that you would go straight to Philip and have it out with him. And you’re too good for that. Whatever you said or did, he would always sink that bit lower, be that bit more devious. I couldn’t risk it—not until I knew I could protect you, build up some information of my own.’
‘No! You should have told me—given us the chance to deal with it together.’
She’s right. I know she’s right. And the real truth of it hits me like a blast of icy air.
‘I was scared I would lose you.’
She says nothing. She’s frozen still and I push on, my voice a mere whisper.
‘I was so scared that the second I confessed you would despise me, hate me for who I am and what I did.’ I reach out to cup her cheek, the impulse too strong to fight. ‘I was scared that the love blazing in your eyes...’ I sweep away her tears with my thumb and see exactly what I feared staring back at me ‘...would die.’
No, no, no.
I swallow back the rising tide of pain, blink back the tears that threaten. ‘I know I was wrong—I see that now—but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You have to believe that... Please believe that.’
Her eyes close and she raises her hands to her ears, shaking her head. I can feel her entire body tremble beneath my touch. I’m losing her...
‘Coco—’
‘Don’t... I can’t... Don’t...’ She breaks away from me, her step jerky, and then she turns and runs.
I watch her go, knowing I can’t follow and feeling the world shatter around me.
‘Just do one thing?’ I plead after her, the sound choked over the wedge in my throat. ‘Speak to Philip—ask him what I told him.’
Her step falters as she looks over her shoulder, one brow raised in disbelief. ‘And you trust him to tell me the truth?’
‘No...’ I take a breath. ‘But he’s the only hope I have left.’
* * *
I stare at my father’s study door—now Philip’s—my body immobile. I’ve found myself here more times than I can count over the past week, but this is where my courage leaves me and I end up walking away.
Ever since I saw Ash outside the hospital, saw his tortured expression, his hoarse protestations of love have hounded me every waking hour. I didn’t l
et myself believe him—I couldn’t. To do that would run the risk of opening myself up all over again, and I’m not over his first betrayal. How can I possibly hope to survive another in the future?
Problem is I can’t kill the spark of hope—the idea that maybe I won’t have to survive another betrayal because there won’t be one, because if he loves me half as much as I love him, then our future could be as perfect as any life can be.
Because I do love him—if he’s the man I got to know, the man whose relationship with his father is so heart-warming, the man whose bond to Jackson is so loyal, whose love for me kept him at my side whenever I called. I’m not blind to the fact that he came into the hospital, knowing that he ran the risk of running into Philip, because I asked it of him.
He did it for me. And so I owe him this. I owe it to myself too.
Just ask Philip.
We’ve barely spoken since the day he outed Ash. The day he outed his own devious plan too. Even now my skin prickles over his deception—anger, hurt, betrayal all coming to the fore. I need to deal with it all. I need to do this.
I take a breath and rap against the door.
It opens before my hand even drops to my side, but it’s not Philip. It’s my stepmother.
‘Oh, it’s you.’ She looks me up and down, says it like I’m a piece of shit on her shoe. I so don’t care. I blame her for the way Philip is. Her, our father, Clara... They all had a hand in it.
No one forced him, though...
I give her a sickly-sweet smile and stride past her. Philip is at his desk, studying some paperwork, and I turn to look at his mother. ‘Would you mind giving my brother and I some privacy?’
‘I was leaving anyway.’
Her voice is unusually high-pitched as she looks towards Philip, and it makes me wonder what I’ve actually walked in on.
‘These walls are beginning to make my skin shrivel.’
Philip’s eyes shoot up, spearing her from across the room. ‘In that case, maybe it’s time you found yourself somewhere else to live. Perhaps you and Clara could bunk up together, Mother. You get on so very well and she’ll be looking for someone else to feed off now that I’ve told her it’s over.’
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