BAD DOG
At an Ogori subway station in 2005, a blind couple gave their seeing eye dog a spoken command. It’s unknown what exactly they told the dog to do. The dog apparently misunderstood because after receiving the command, the dog jumped off the subway platform and onto the tracks below. The couple, still holding the leash, also plunged onto the tracks. They were all killed by an oncoming train. Sad irony: The couple was on their way to a dog-obedience course.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, “FRIENDLY” PENGUINS
In 2004 a team from Rikkyo University discovered that at 16 aquariums and zoos around Japan, there were 20 same-sex penguin couples. Researchers believe it’s because penguins raised in captivity have difficulty finding suitable mates of the opposite sex because of the limited population.
1 in 7 Americans say they or someone they know has had an experience involving a UFO.
THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT?
Show business wasn’t always as highbrow as it is today. Before the dawn of sophisticated entertainments such as sitcoms, reality shows, and YouTube, stage performers could do almost any weird act…and people would pay to see it. Here are some well-known—and very strange—performers of yesteryear.
NAME: Clarence E. Willard
ACT: “He grows before your eyes!”
STORY: Willard was a vaudeville performer in the 1910s. Without the aid of any machinery, he would “grow” from 5'10" to 6'4" while delivering a monologue about his bizarre talent, or anecdotes about how he had horrified foreign heads of state with his act. Here’s how he did it: Willard would slowly stretch every muscle in his chest, throat, knees, and hips as far as they could go to give the impression that he was growing. Then, painfully, he would hold them like that for 12 minutes and then slowly “shrink” back to his normal size.
NAME: Orville Stamm
ACT: “Musical Muscleman”
STORY: Stamm was a teenaged singer and fiddle player on the vaudeville circuit known as “The Strongest Boy in the World.” As he played the violin, a huge bulldog clamped down on and hung from his bowing arm. For the finale of his act, Stamm laid down on the stage face-up while a small upright piano was lowered onto his stomach. A pianist would then jump up and down on Stamm’s thighs while playing along to Stamm singing “Ireland Must Be Heaven ’Cause My Mother Came From There.”
NAME: Matthew Buchinger
ACT: “The One-Man Variety Show”
STORY: This 17th-century German entertainer had a dazzling array of talents. He played 10 instruments (some of which he’d invented himself), sang, danced, read minds, was a trick-shot artist and marksman, bowled, did magic tricks, drew portraits and landscapes, and did calligraphy. Even more impressive: Buchinger had no arms or legs. He had finlike appendages instead of hands, and “stood” only 28 inches tall.
If unwound, your DNA would reach from the earth to the sun and back…over 400 times.
NAME: Datas
ACT: “The Memory Man”
STORY: Born W. J. M. Bottle, this early-1900s performer’s talent was simply knowing lots of facts. Bottle had left school at the age of 11 to earn money for his family. But he continued to learn, repeatedly reading whatever books and newspapers he could find until he had the contents committed to memory. For his act, he would ask the audience to submit about 50 questions and then answer them in rapid-fire succession, embellishing answers with extra information or droll humor. For instance, when asked “When was beef the highest?” Datas replied, “When the cow jumped over the moon.” After he died, Datas’s brain was autopsied. It weighed 69 ounces, the heaviest on record at the time.
NAME: Daniel Wildman
ACT: “The Bee Wrangler”
STORY: Here’s his act: He rode a bicycle around a circus ring while a swarm of bees covered his face. Then he’d tell the bees to fly to a specific location…which they did.
NAME: LaRoche
ACT: “The Human Ball”
STORY: LaRoche (born Leon Rauch in Austria in 1857) would stuff himself in a brightly colored, two-foot-wide metal ball and then roll uphill to the top of a 30-foot-high, narrow spiral track. He did it so smoothly that it appeared as if the ball had magically moved upward on its own. In fact, the audience didn’t even know anyone was inside until LaRoche popped out of the ball when he’d reached the top.
NAME: Bernard Cavanagh
ACT: “The Starvationist”
STORY: In the 1830s and ’40s, Cavanagh amazed large crowds with his claims that he had gone long periods of time—weeks on end—without eating or drinking. He had himself confined without food in a London prison cell for a week in 1841 to prove it. Cavanagh claimed he once even went five years without nourishment. But he was exposed as a fraud when a woman caught him backstage eating sausage, bread, and a quarter pound of ham.
Q: What do Scottish men wear under their kilts? A: Traditionally, nothing at all.
NAME: Tommy Minnock
ACT: “The Singing Martyr”
STORY: Minnock was one of America’s most popular vaudevillians in the 1890s. Every night, he’d sing a popular song of the day called “After the Ball Is Over” while he hammered nails into his own hands and feet, attaching himself to a wooden cross.
* * *
A PARTIAL LIST OF JOBS HELD BY HOMER SIMPSON
nuclear safety inspector
monorail conductor
food critic
sailor
soldier
teacher
talk show host
trucker
musician
telemarketer
mascot
marriage counselor
carny
chauffeur
missionary
candle maker
superhero
snowplow driver
car designer
butler
blackjack dealer
horse trainer
pilot
artist
oil rig worker
mall Santa
town crier
fish gutter
bodyguard
film critic
bartender
panhandler
minister
juvenile hall guard
professional arm wrestler
voice actor
roadie
motivational speaker
CEO
baby proofer
mob boss
chiropractor
chief of police
used-car salesman
ambulance driver
fortune cookie writer
sanitation commissioner
clown
agent
informant
mayor
personal assistant
roadside corn salesman
greeter
bootlegger
smuggler
railroad engineer
pretzel inspector
attack dog trainer
astronaut
activist
choreographer
plus-sized butt model
Real headline: HERMAPHRODITIC DEER WITH SEVEN LEGS ‘TASTY’
JUST PLANE WEIRD
Every time Uncle John sees an airplane, he marvels that a heavier-than-air machine can fly. Here are a few more mind-bogglers from the world of human flight.
HI JACK! HOW YA’ DOIN’?
Shortly after a Mongolian Airlines passenger flight landed in Ulan Bator in 2006, four men jumped out of their seats and loudly announced that the plane was being hijacked. “These hooligans went up to the pilots’ cabin and tied up the pilots and threatened four passengers and kept them in the plane,” a passenger later recounted. “They hit one woman and knocked her down.” The standoff lasted about an hour until all of the passengers and crew were freed. Only later did the airline find out that the “hijacking” was actually a secret training exercise conducted by the Mongolian Central Intelligence Agency. The airline was incensed that they weren’t alerted befor
ehand. The CIA argued that announcing it would have ruined the test—which, they added, the airline failed miserably. As for the passengers, many are suing the CIA (including the woman who was knocked down).
SUNDAY DRIVING
Sundays in downtown Montreal, Quebec, draw thousands of sightseers and shoppers. On one such Sunday in 2006, a single-engine Cessna interrupted the afternoon festivities when it landed on Parc Avenue, one of Montreal’s busiest streets. The pilot had alerted police that the plane’s engine had cut out, but there was no time to close the road. Amazingly, the pilot managed to not only land the plane safely, but he slalomed through the heavy traffic without hitting a single car or pedestrian. (The landing wasn’t completely perfect, though—one of the plane’s wings slightly clipped a street sign.)
I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT
An RAF Nimrod, a British search-and-rescue plane, was on a flight in 2006 when a small hatch—used for dropping homing beacons from the plane—didn’t close correctly. The hole let swirling winds into the plane, so the crew searched the cabin for an object to plug it with. They found something that fit almost perfectly: a teapot. Government officials called into question the safety of the Nimrod fleet (which had suffered a fatal crash a few months earlier), but the Royal Air Force calmly explained that at no time on this flight was the crew in danger; they merely plugged the gaping hole with the teapot for “comfort” reasons.
Who are Betty Jean McBricker and Wilma Slaghoople? The Flintstones wives (their maiden names).
REMOTE-CONTROLLED KILLER TOY
Onlookers were enjoying an air show in Hungary when one of the planes crashed into the crowd and injured six spectators, killing two of them. What makes this tragic story so odd is that this was a model airplane show. When asked to comment, a government spokesman could only say that this was “the first time in the history of Hungary that a person was killed by a model airplane.”
DYING TO FLY FIRST CLASS
On November 28, 2006, a British Airways flight took off from London headed to Boston. Three hours into the six-hour flight, a 75-year-old American passenger in business class suffered a massive heart attack. Calls for a doctor were made, there was a commotion among the flight attendants, but to no avail—a few minutes later, the man was dead. Now the question was: what to do with the body for the rest of the flight? Business class was full. So was coach. There were, however, a few empty rows in first class. Solution: move the body to first class.
Not surprisingly, this plan didn’t go down well with the first-class passengers, who watched in horror as four flight attendants carried the body to an empty row. They put the man in a seat, reclined it, fastened the seatbelt, and put a blanket over his body…but not over his head, which flopped to one side. “It was a very strange and unsettling thing to experience,” said one passenger, who had until then been enjoying the inflight movie, Mission Impossible III, when the corpse was placed across the aisle from him.
Another passenger told reporters, “I felt quite uneasy. But most of the passengers were being very British about it and simply not acknowledging that there was anything wrong.”
In Glasgow, Scotland, it is a crime for a man to hug a store mannequin.
CLASSIFIEDS
Uncle John loves shopping through the newspaper ads—he never knows what he’ll find for sale. But sometimes the ads themselves are the best part.
For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, one 3-finger. Pair: $15.
Dog for sale. Eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer. $300.
For sale—Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.
American flag, 60 stars, pole included: $100.
Star Wars job of the hut—$15.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in. $200 a month. References required.
Free: Farm kittens. Ready to eat.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Ecology Freak wanted for relevant work. Could be lucrative. Will be interesting. Call EARTH.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Long-haired freaks and weird chicks wanted. Earn $2 an hour plus food and booze for being obscene at Establishment parties. We rent beautiful people to squares.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
A pentapopemptic is someone who has been divorced five times.
POLITICS: IT’S NO
LAUGHING MATTER
Sometimes politics gets so absurd that it seems the major political parties must be kidding. They’re not...but these odd political parties from around the world definitely are.
PARTY: Guns and Dope Party
COUNTRY: United States
PLATFORM: Founded by conspiracy theorist Robert Anton Wilson, this party’s platform is similar to the Libertarian party, which strongly supports personal freedoms, including gun ownership and legalized drugs. The difference: the Guns and Dope Party advocates that supporters vote for themselves as write-in candidates in every election and wants to replace one-third of Congress with ostriches.
PARTY: Extreme Wrestling Party
COUNTRY: Canada
PLATFORM: This party was formed in Newfoundland in 1999 after former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura’s win in Minnesota’s 1998 gubernatorial election. Party leader Quentin Barboni took control when he beat 11 other wrestlers in an each-man-for-himself wrestling “battle royale” match.
PARTY: McGillicuddy Serious Party
COUNTRY: New Zealand
PLATFORM: Formed by a group of comedians and street musicians, this party stood candidates in every federal election in New Zealand from 1984 to 1999. Among the group’s aims were to institute a Scottish monarchy in New Zealand, replace paper money with chocolate, raise the school graduation age to 65,and lower the speed of light to 60 mph. McGillicuddy Serious also wanted to restrict voting rights among humans to women under the age of 18, but wanted to extend the rights to hedgehogs and trees.
Female sea turtles don’t reach sexual maturity until they are 40 or 50 years old.
PARTY: Two-Tailed Dog Party
COUNTRY: Hungary
PLATFORM: The party is “led” by a two-tailed puppy named “Istvan Nagy,” which is a common, generic Hungarian name (like “John Smith”). The idea behind running a dog for office is that something cute couldn’t be dishonest. In the 2006 federal election, the party promised eternal life, world peace, two sunsets a day, one-day workweeks, free beer, less gravity, and the construction of a mountain on the Great Hungarian Plain.
PARTY: Absolutely Absurd Party
COUNTRY: Canada
PLATFORM: AAP advocates want to lower the legal voting age to 14 because “when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?” Among the party’s other ideas: the candidate coming in dead last wins the election; parliament seats should be won in a raffle, and the Department of Defense should be replaced with a team of Rock, Paper, Scissors experts.
PARTY: Church of the Militant Elvis Party
COUNTRY: England
PLATFORM: This political group, founded in 2001 by “Lord Biro,” wants to overthrow capitalism. Reason: capitalism leads to a free media, which Biro blames for turning Elvis Presley into a fat, drug-addicted shadow of his former slim self.
PARTY: Official Monster Raving Loony Party
COUNTRY: England
PLATFORM: Founded
in 1983 by a musician called “Screaming Lord Sutch,” the party seriously calls for redistribution of wealth and food for the poor, but also advocates for a few very bizarre principles. For example, the OMRLP is against England adopting the euro—they want Europe to adopt the English pound (and also wants to introduce a 99p coin to “save on change”). Amazingly, some of the OMRLP’s policies have actually been adopted as laws, including lowering the voting age to 18 and issuing passports to pets.
The “Armstrong Line” is the altitude at which blood begins to boil (65,000 ft. above sea level).
WEIRD TOY ADS
OF YESTERYEAR
Here are some of the peculiar playthings that toy companies pitched to kids in the 1950s and ’60s. Uncle John actually remembers some of these toys and offers this observation: “Odd then; still odd today.”
WITCH DOCTOR HEAD SHRINKER’S KIT
The Product: As it says—a (plastic) head shrinking kit
The Pitch: “Into the deepest jungle went Pressman Toymakers, looking for something new. The secret they brought back for you is incredible! The Pressman Witch Doctor Head Shrinker’s Kit! Plastic flesh, mixing cauldron, and petrifying potion. Just pour it into the mold and in minutes you can add monster hair! Paint it with the coloring kit included, or make up your own decorations. In 24 hours, the heads shrink, shrink down. Shrunken heads for all occasions! Collect ’em, swap ’em. Give them to your witch doctor friends. You can always cook up more, with Pressman’s Witch Doctor’s Head Shrinker’s Kit.”
LIONEL BALLISTIC MISSILE RAILCAR LAUNCHER
The Product: How do you sell dull old railroad trains during the Cold War era? By adding nuclear missile cars.
The Pitch: “Hi! This is my friend the Grumman Tiger fighter plane. It’s a jet, and I’m Ralph Donnell, a test pilot. It takes a lot of training to control one of these babies; my son Wayne will learn someday. Right now, though, he’s getting ready by learning to control a Lionel Electric Train. With a Lionel Train, you not only get locomotives and cars, but all sorts of missile and rocket equipment, too! You can learn to operate these Lionel missile launchers. And fire this ballistic missile launcher by pressing a button. Wow! And look! You can put this boxcar target together and blow it up again and again. Remember kids, you’re in control—you’re the boss on the Lionel line!” (Also available: the Lionel Turbo Missile Firing Car, the Lionel Reconnaissance Copter Car, and the Lionel Aerial Target Car.)
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd Page 15