P. Tangled
17. Volitate
Q. To fly aimlessly
Answers: 1–G, 2–C, 3–N, 4–B, 5–H, 6–D, 7–I, 8–A, 9–L, 10–J, 11–F, 12–M, 13–E, 14–K, 15–P, 16–O, 17–Q
Based on a legislative act of 1760, in Philadelphia you cannot put pretzels in bags.
WEIRD GERMANY
First it was a bunch of kingdoms, then one large country, then two countries, now one big country again…united in weirdness.
WHAT’S THAT JELLY-LIKE SUBSTANCE?
On a road outside Leipzig in 2006, hikers spotted something weird: a “flabby red, orange, and green” jelly. They called authorities, who shut down traffic and brought in scientists in anti-contamination suits to investigate the goo, fearing it might be toxic waste. However, the mystery was solved before the jelly could be tested. A policeman learned that a wedding reception had taken place in the area a few days earlier. The party had gotten out of control and ended in a jelly fight. So what was the jelly-like substance? Jelly.
DISREGARD THE PREVIOUS LETTER
In 1990, a German terrorist group called the Red Army Faction sent a letter to the federal prosecutor’s office to claim responsibility for the assassination of agriculture minister Ignaz Kiechle at his 60th birthday party. One problem: Kiechle’s party wasn’t scheduled until March 3, and the letter arrived on March 2. Realizing their mistake, the Red Army Faction immediately sent another letter, saying that the assassination attempt was cancelled due to a “mistake in coordination.”
GOOD (BAD) HUSBAND
Men refusing to help with housework has probably contributed to many divorces around the world. But in 1982, a woman from Luebben split from her husband because he did too much housework. She testified in court that for the first few years of their marriage her husband was “a dream” because he did all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. He even washed the windows and took care of their baby perfectly. But the woman suddenly became despondent when she realized that she had nothing to do, which made her feel inferior. Apparently it was enough to convince the judge, who granted the divorce.
State beverage of Nebraska: Kool-Aid
FORBIDDEN LOVE
On the Aasee Lake in Muenster, a black swan has fallen in love with a black plastic paddleboat shaped like a swan. Biologists say the (real) swan is displaying all the signs of the desire to mate: circling the boat, staring at it, and cooing at it. Tourists and locals alike have become reluctant to use the paddleboat. “When I sail too close to it, the black bird puffs up its feathers and hoots at me,” said one resident.
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This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
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When dropped in water, a fresh egg will sink; a stale one won’t.
I’M NOT DEAD YET!
We don’t know about you, but the idea of being mistaken for dead is about the scariest thing we can think of. Fortunately for these folks, someone discovered the horrifying goof before funeral arrangements were made.
DECEASED: An 83-year-old resident of a senior care facility in British Columbia, Canada
STORY: Funeral home drivers arrived at the Shirley Dean Pavilion, in Surrey, British Columbia, in 2005 to pick up a woman who had died there. They took her body to the Surrey hospital, where they left it on a gurney in a hallway for attendants to take to the morgue.
RESURRECTION: Some time later a porter at the hospital noticed the corpse’s leg move. The drivers had inadvertently picked up the dead woman’s roommate—who was sleeping, not dead. She was immediately taken back to the facility, and the truly-deceased woman was then taken to the morgue. The not-deceased 91-year-old woman’s son-in-law, Paul Boyle, was infuriated. “The number-one thing is to get her out of there…and then legal action,” he said. “There’s a difference between a dead person and a live person.” The facility promised an investigation.
DECEASED: Bogdan Georgescu, a 16-year-old boy from Fagaras, Romania
STORY: Georgescu collapsed after being punched by a friend. Rescue crews arrived and could find no signs of life, so he was pronounced dead and taken to the local morgue.
RESURRECTION: A few hours after arriving at the morgue, an attendant thought he saw the boy’s body move, so he bent over the body to get a closer look—and the boy punched him in the face. “I woke up and had no idea where I was,” he said later. “I looked to the left and right and saw dead women on either side. Then I saw a man in a white coat. I panicked. I thought he was going to kill me.” The boy was taken to a neurological hospital for tests, and the doctor he punched was treated for shock—and given some time off to recover from the “corpse” attack.
Yellow canaries that are fed red pepper will turn bright orange.
DECEASED: Subash Bag, an 8-year-old boy from a small village in West Bengal, India
STORY: Subash was bitten by a poisonous snake near his home in Sonapalasi village and died a short time later. His grieving family performed the traditional funeral, putting his body on a raft and sending him down the nearby Damodar River.
RESURRECTION: The boy’s body was found some time later down river near the village of Chandipur…and he wasn’t dead. The snake bite had not been fatal, but it was close. He was nursed back to health by villagers, but could remember nothing of his past. He stayed and was raised in the village of Chandipur. Eleven years later, in 2004, now 19 years old, married, and with a daughter, the young man was seen in a nearby town and recognized by one of his relatives. The relative informed Subash’s father and the elated family was reunited. Subash soon returned to live in his home village with his wife and daughter.
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ON-THE-JOB NEWS
• Cushy Job: Mike Pixley of Monroe, Michigan, is a recliner tester for La-Z-Boy. He sits in and rocks about 2,800 easy chairs every day.
• Put On a Happy Face—Or Else: Nutzwerk LTD, an IT firm in Leipzig, Germany, has banned its employees from whining and complaining. A manager explained, “We made the ban official after one female employee refused to subscribe to the company’s philosophy of always smiling.” Workers are advised to keep their opinions to themselves; any griping could lead to immediate dismissal.
• This Bites: Ellie Jenkins is a counter for the Savannah, Georgia, Mosquito Control Commission. What does she count? Mosquitos. Jenkins drives to 38 different locations and stands still at each one with her arms and legs exposed. If she receives five bites in a minute, she calls pest-control services.
At any point in time, 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.
UNCLE JOHN’S
STALL OF FAME
More recipients of the BRI’s highest honor.
Honoree: Lt. Col. Mike Presnell, who participated in the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein in the spring of 2003
Notable Achievement: Making a historical pit stop.
True Story: In April 2003, Gloria Presnell was at home in Grand Island, Nebrask
a, when she received a satellite phone call from her son Mike in Baghdad. “I’m always worried when the phone rings,” Mrs. Presnell said, but this time it was good news: her son’s unit had just occupied one of Saddam’s palaces, and he was calling from the dictator’s personal “throne room” just to say hello. “Mike told me he was going to wash his hair and brush his teeth in Saddam’s private bathroom,” Mrs. Presnell told reporters. “The only thing I could say to him was, ‘Use your own toothbrush.’”
Honoree: IKEA, the giant Swedish furniture company
Notable Achievement: Filling job positions by going where people…go.
True Story: In 2000, IKEA needed to fill some positions at its office in Malmö, Sweden. Rather than take out newspaper ads, the company hired people to go to trendy restaurants and scribble job notices onto restroom walls by hand. Result: “After only four days we had received 60 applications,” says company spokesman Jimmy Ostholm. “That’s four times more than what we would get from a newspaper ad,” at about a tenth of the cost. Why was the campaign so successful? “In the toilet, people are more relaxed and receptive to our message,” Ostholm explains.
Honoree: Coolidge Winesett, a retired janitor
Notable Achievement: Finding fame in an outhouse.
True Story: For years Winesett, 75, was a popular banjo and fiddle player in local bluegrass bands, but he longed for wider fame. One afternoon in August 2000, Winesett went out behind his house to use the outhouse—he didn’t have indoor plumbing—and when he sat down to do his business, the floor gave way. The floorboards protected Winesett from splashing into the “bad stuff,” as he put it, but he was stuck in the hole and couldn’t get out. And because he lived out in the country, nobody heard his cries for help.
The secret code for unlocking U.S. nuclear missiles during the Cold War was 00000000.
Three days later, postal carrier Jimmy Jackson noticed that the old man’s mail was starting to pile up, so he decided to investigate. He found Winesett—still stuck in the outhouse—and called the volunteer fire department to help get him out. The story made the local newspaper, then got picked up by the wire services and spread around the world. Winesett was famous at last. “I wish there was some other way I could get popular,” he groused to reporters. “This is an insult to my ego.”
Honoree: Rella Morris, mayor of Granite Falls, Washington
Notable Achievement: Being the first U.S. elected official to preside at an official function…dressed in toilet paper.
True Story: Long known as the gateway to Washington’s Cascade Mountains, Granite Falls became better known as “the town without a toilet” years ago when vandals blew up the town’s only portable public restroom. The town went without any public facilities until the late 1990s, when Mayor Morris and the city council decided it was time for a change. They raised the $91,000 needed to build a public restroom complete with four stalls, two urinals, and sinks with infrared sensors to turn the faucets on and off.
When the restrooms were finally constructed (which took more than a year), the town celebrated with its first-ever Toilet Festival. They had an exhibition of toilet-themed art, a toilet-paper-tearing ceremony (instead of a ribbon-cutting), and a raffle to determine which lucky citizen would get to flush the first flush. Mayor Morris didn’t exactly dress to the nines for the occasion, but she did dress to the two-plies, wearing a robe made of toilet paper and carrying a toilet plunger for a scepter. “This town,” she told the crowd, “really knows how to potty!”
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“March is a month that helps to use up some of the bad weather that February just couldn’t fit in.”
—Doug Larson
The Battle of Gettysburg began when Confederate soldiers marched into the small town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania—because they needed new shoes.
THE COW WHISPERER
The way you think about the meat you eat depends on a lot of things, including your philosophy and your upbringing. Here’s one man who makes it his business.
BOVINE INSPIRATION
Guy Glosson has a unique job: He trains farmers to reduce the stress in beef cows. That translates to a happier, better life for the cows and an easier job for ranchers. Glosson is a member of the New Ranch Network, a 21st-century farming organization that combines the efforts of ranchers, scientists, and conservationists to find better ways to farm in this ever-changing world. For Glosson’s part, he travels from his native Texas to farms all across the country and teaches ranchers how to commune with their cattle.
At one such workshop in Michigan, 60 farmers came from two states to watch Glosson work his magic. Grazing in a nearby field were 40 cows and a 2,000-pound bull. Glosson walked up and spoke calmly to a few cows, who then stopped grazing and formed a line. Then, without another word from Glosson, the rest of the cows joined the formation, followed by the bull. Finally, the Cow Whisperer and the herd started marching in unison. They walked past the crowd of awestruck onlookers and then back to the field. A task such as that would usually take at least two ranchers and a dog much longer to perform—and it still would have been tough. Cows love to roam, and herding them together is a difficult and time-consuming task. So how does Guy Glosson do it? “If you approach the first handful correctly, they seem to tell the rest of them: ‘He’s not going to eat us today!’”
Glosson doesn’t expect all of the farmers who attend his workshops to pick up his cow-municating skills, admitting that they’re mostly instinctive. But he can at least teach them methods to keep their cattle happy—and a happy cow is less dangerous, less prone to illness, has a better appetite, and makes for better-tasting beef. (Stressed-out carcass meat is usually tougher and darker, and ends up in the discount bin at the supermarket.)
So if you have unhappy cows, you know who to call.
THE STRANGEST DISASTER
OF THE 20TH CENTURY, PT. III
Natural disasters aren’t uncommon. Unfortunately, we often read about devastation caused by floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes. But how often do you hear about death and destruction caused by a giant burp? (Part II of the story is on page 229.)
CLOUD OF DOOM
Cattle herders graze their animals on the hills above Lake Nyos, and after the lake disgorged as much as 80% of its massive store of CO2 in one big burst, dead cattle were found as high as 300 feet above the lake, indicating that the suffocating cloud shot at least that high before settling back onto the surface. Then the gas poured over the crater’s edge into the valleys below, traveling at an estimated 45 miles per hour.
For people living in the villages closest to the lake, death was almost inevitable. A few people on hillsides had the presence of mind to climb to higher ground; one man who saw his neighbors drop like flies jumped on his motorcycle and managed to keep ahead of the gas as he sped to safety. These were the lucky few. Most people didn’t realize the danger until they were being overcome by the gas. Even if they had, it would have been impossible to outrun such a fast-moving cloud.
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT
In villages farther away from the lake, people had a better chance of survival, especially if they ignored the noise the lake made as it disgorged its CO2. Some survivors said it sounded like a gunshot or an explosion; others described it as a rumble. But people who stepped outside their homes to see where the noise had come from, or to see what had caused the rotten egg smell (a common smell “hallucination” associated with CO2 poisoning) quickly collapsed and died right on their own doorsteps. The sight of these first victims passing out often brought other members of the household to the door, where they, too, were overcome…and killed.
Each hair on your head grows approximately 0.3 mm (1/100th of an inch) per day.
People who were inside with their windows and doors shut had a better chance of surviving. There were even cases where enough CO2 seeped into homes to smother people who were lying down asleep, but not enough to kill the people who were standing up and had their heads above the gas. Some of these sur
vivors did not even realize anything unusual had happened until they checked on their sleeping loved ones and discovered they were already dead.
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
The disaster at Lake Nyos was only the second such incident in recorded history—the 1984 incident at Lake Monoun was the first. To date, scientists believe that only three lakes in the entire world, Nyos, Monoun, and a third lake called Lake Kivu on the border of Congo and Rwanda, accumulate deadly amounts of dissolved CO2 at great depths.
It had taken about a year to figure out what had happenend at Nyos. Then, when it became clear that the lake was filling with CO2 again, the government of Cameroon evacuated all the villages within 18 miles of the lake and razed them to prevent their inhabitants from coming back until the lake could be made safe.
Scientists spent the next decade trying to figure out a way to safely release the gas before disaster struck again. They eventually settled on a plan to sink a 5 ½-inch diameter tube down more than 600 feet, to just above the floor of the lake. Then, when some of the water from the bottom was pumped up to the top of the tube, it would rise high enough in the tube for the CO2 to come out of solution and form bubbles, which would cause it to shoot out the top of the tube, blasting water and gas more than 150 feet into the sky. Once it got started, the siphon effect would cause the reaction to continue indefinitely, or at least until the CO2 ran out. A prototype was installed and tested in 1995, and after it proved to be safe, a permanent tube was installed in 2001.
RACE AGAINST TIME
As of the fall of 2006 the tube was still in place and releasing more than 700 million cubic feet of CO2 into the air each year. That’s a little bit more than enters the lake in the same amount of time. Between 2001 and 2006, the CO2 levels in Lake Nyos dropped 13%.
In Arizona, any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd Page 34