"You're a really cool girl Adalynn and I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this. When a guy looks at you he should see you for how sexy you are." I hang my head in shame. I've never thought of a different girl while hooking up with one. This is a new low for me. It seems I'm having a lot of those lately.
"Breyson, look at me. I swear I'm not mad or upset. Yes, it sucks we don't get to go further because I think you're really hot and I needed the mental release too. It sounds like for the same reason as you, but I'm glad to see that someone being this torn over a girl still exists with guys. It says a lot that you can't go through with it. You're a good guy Breyson. This can be our secret. I hope things work out for you with this girl. She sounds great and she's one lucky girl."
She reaches for her clothes and begins dressing. I feel like the biggest douche right now. I fasten my pants and put my shirt back on, standing to my feet. "Where did you meet her? I hope you don't mind me asking."
"California and she refuses to go any further or have any contact so I need to forget her." I reach in and pull her to me, giving her a hug. "Thank you for being understanding."
"No problem, babe. Don't stress over it though. These things have a way of working out when it's meant to be." She kisses me on the cheek. "Come on, let's get out of here and you can take me home. You owe me that much." She winks at me teasingly and for the first time in a while I actually smile.
I pull in the drive from dropping Adalynn off and head straight for the pool house. Mom and dad are both home but I don't feel like talking. I told Braxton to get a ride with one of the guys from the team so I could take the truck. There is only one thing I can do when I'm this stressed out and that is to beat it out of me.
Walking over to the punching bag that hangs in the corner, I pull my shirt off and grab the boxing gloves. Once I get them on, I swing my arms a few times to loosen up. After a few seconds, I begin punching with everything I have, not letting up once. Each time her face scrolls through my mind, I hit the bag harder. I hit it until I can't feel my arms and then some. Once my arms give out completely, I begin kicking. Every sound, every tear and every emotion on her face from that night is brought back full force.
I'm pouring wet with sweat when dad walks in and grabs me by the shoulders. "Son stop. You're exhausted. Want to tell me what's on your mind? I don't see you like this often. What's got you so worked up?"
Placing my back against the wall, I slide to the floor. Resting my limp arms over my folded knees, I rest my head against the wall. "Just some girl I met in California." He doesn't say anything; just grabs a bottle of water from the refrigerator and sits next to me.
"Here, drink this before you get dehydrated. I smell the alcohol in your sweat. What have I told you about driving when you've been drinking? I don't care if you're not drunk. You can still lack proper judgment and cause a wreck. Do you want to end up like Beau? I sure as hell don't want to get that call as a parent. Call me next time Breyson. I know I can't completely keep y'all from doing it; therefore, I request that you be safe when you do. It's not realistic to think you'll never drink, but I'll be damned if you're going to be stupid about it." I drink the bottle of water in its entirety and throw it across the room, still frustrated. "Tell me about this girl."
Even though my dad pushes me about being a doctor, he's still the coolest dad. I can talk to him about anything and he doesn't judge me. This though, is something I don't know how to talk about. I've never had this kind of effect from a girl before. I don't know how to get her out of my head. I figured once we slept together that would take care of it, but it seems to have had the opposite effect.
"How do you forget a girl that consumes your thoughts but wants nothing from you; not even contact? I look at another girl and see her. This is ruining everything. I tried to continue talking to her but she refuses to make things complicated as she put it."
"Son, you may think I'm old and my generation knows nothing about the current times, but love still exists no matter what you think. I will never understand having a relationship that resembles polygamy. There is something to be said about monogamy and romance. You and the kids your age may think it's stupid but it still exists and is so much better than whoring around. Call me old school but I still believe in soul mates. I may be a doctor and practice science but I still believe that God made a mate for each of us. You're still young. Maybe it's love, maybe it's not but you obviously feel something different for this girl. Keep trying until you know it's useless and time to move on. If it's meant to be, you'll be surprised how things tend to fall into place and if not your heart will move on to someone else."
There is no way I love her. I am seventeen for crying out loud. It has to be because she cut things off before I did or maybe because I didn't get her out of my system. It has to be lust, right? Why is it that I feel like I'm having to convince myself? I get the feeling that maybe I'm not unbreakable after all. Maybe she's the one that could break me. Why is it that the thought of never seeing her again gives me chest pain? So many questions, but how do I get the damn answers?
CHAPTER 14
Kinzleigh
It's hard to believe today is moving day. So much has happened since school let out in May that I have whiplash thinking about it. Writing Breyson that letter was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've never been good with the emotional parts of life; it's why I avoid it. Life is just easier that way. I love my friends and family, but that's all my heart can stand to let in. Something about that boy, though, has my insides trying to do damage control on the tornado that came through while he was here.
After he left, Presley came by trying to get me to talk to him. I'm not going to lie, I thought about it, but I cannot be weak. I figured that by now, he'd be long forgotten and just a memory, but that's just wishful thinking. The only way to ensure I didn't cave was to burn his number in a candle.
Cabo came and went in a blur. What can I say, I just wasn't feeling it. Our yearly vacation is usually my favorite time of the year. Presley had her fun and Preston stayed by my side. I am sure I wasn't much fun to be around though. I stayed glued to my iPod at the beach or pool and locked in my room at night. Somehow, Breyson has burned himself in the depths of my memory and lit a fire in my heart that I can't seem to smother, no matter how hard I try.
The last night I saw him, we took photos together to remember each other by. I'll never admit to anyone that I saved it as my wallpaper and stare at it constantly in a twelve hour period. The only reason it's not twenty four is because I have to sleep. What is it about those beautiful blue eyes that won't let go of the hold they have on my soul?
I stare into my empty room. The movers have already picked up everything and are on their way to the new house. Mom and dad went and bought a house as soon as we got back from Cabo. Cheerleading tryouts came and went a few days ago. I hope and pray that I receive that letter of acceptance because I've worked my butt off for it. Yesterday, I said goodbye to my cheerleading coach, Andy, and the rest of the girls from my squad. It's the first time I've seen Andy tear up in the seven years I've known him. Through all this I've learned goodbyes aren't my thing.
The hardest part, though, was saying goodbye to Presley. I've never realized how much she truly meant to me until it was time to let her go. She stayed the night with me last night and we reminisced about old times. We did a little laughing and a lot of crying. I'm definitely going to miss that girl a lot more than I thought. She has been my best friend since I developed memories, always barging through the walls of my heart, demanding to be loved.
Tears begin to fall down my face as I look into the empty room of the house that I love. I walk over to the wall my mom has measured my height on since I was a small child, and run my fingers along the pen marks etched in the sheetrock. There are so many memories here. I say a silent prayer asking to be brought back home. Pulling out my phone, I snap a photo of the piece of the wall art in front of me.
"Baby girl, it's time to get on the r
oad if we're going to make that stop you wanted to make before we have to be at the airport. I know it's hard to leave this house but we will make memories in our new home and we're not going to sell right away." I blow out a breath. I guess it is about time to let it go.
"Is Konnor already gone?" What to say about Konnor. He is clearly still distraught over the whole Sophia incident. I'm really hoping that Alabama is good for him. He started writing music and the tattoo shop is starting to become a second home to him. I'm really starting to worry, as are my parents are but he's eighteen now. At least he's letting the pain out with the lyrics he writes in his notebook, than trying to drown it by putting toxins in his body. He accepted the football scholarship to Alabama instead of UCLA. I'll have to admit I was surprised, but maybe this is what he needs. I just want him to be happy again.
"Yes. He left this morning while you were still asleep. He had to be there and set up for summer training that's about to start. He said you guys had your goodbyes' last night and he didn't want to wake you. He is going to let us know his football schedule and we'll figure out when to see him again. I don't think he will be that far from us." He comes over and stands behind me, resting his hands over my shoulders. "I know it's hard to leave behind sweetie, but everything will be okay. You will see. Come on if you want to make that pitt stop on the way."
We pull up at the one place I can't leave without saying goodbye: the cemetery where my dad's parents are buried. "I'll be right back," I say to mom and dad as I open the door. "I'd like to do this alone if that's alright."
"Take your time sweetie. We made sure we made time for this." Mom looks at me with a small smile on her face as I step out of the car. Making my way through the various rows of headstones, I come to the one I'm in search of.
I lay the bouquet of daisies on the grass in front of the headstone that I had mom pick up this morning. They were Grams favorite so I never come here without a fresh bundle. She always had a vase of them laying around her house if she could get her hands on them. The memory makes me smile. Her headstone reads:
Alma Louise baker
beloved wife, mother, sister, and grandmother
february 4, 1946- january 8, 2011
"forever in our hearts you will stay"
"the day we lost you, heaven gained an angel"
I kneel on my knees, resting on my heels in front of the headstone. "Hey Grams. It’s been a while since I've come to visit. I'm sorry about that. We're moving today. I couldn't leave without telling you goodbye. I don't know when I will be able to come back. Don't miss me too much..." I attempt to laugh but fail. Tears begin to fall instead; hard. I didn't even wear makeup today. It was no use. I knew I'd be coming here and it always does this to me. Goodbyes just aren't my thing and that will never change. It's too hard to say goodbye to someone. I sniffle to keep my nose from running. "I really miss you Grams. I wish you were still here. You always were good with giving me advice when I'm feeling lost. It's only been two years and I feel like it’s been forever. I miss our talks. I really need you right now. I didn't have enough time with you. I know I'm just being selfish because you're in a better place but I would give anything to have you back. I know I can talk to mom but I was always more like you. I can't hear your laugh anymore Grams."
I change positions, resting on my right butt cheek, placing my legs side by side folded behind me. I drape my arms over the top of the headstone laying my cheek on the limestone, picturing it as her shoulder. The flood gate finally breaks and I let it out. All of the emotions I've been holding hostage, I set free. Grams was the one person I would let see the ugly. "I met a boy Grams. I don't want him to be, but he's special. He's different than anyone I've ever met. He makes my heart beat off rhythm and when he smiles I get shaky and short of breath. It reminds me of when you used to tell me stories of when you met Gramps. That terrifies me. I'll never see him again though. I had to end it. I have a feeling in my gut that he would be the one thing that could ruin me. If anyone had a way, it'd be him with the ability to tear down the walls I've spent so long building. I can't go through this again Grams. My heart won't survive this kind of pain another time. I barely came out of the internal pain caused when God called you home. I would rather spend a life alone than to be destroyed over the loss of the one that held the key to my heart. It will always come; it's just a matter of when. I don't want to see the girl I would be, if my heart shattered again. I barely picked up the pieces when you left me."
My sight is blurred from the overload of tears trying to escape the small ducts. The limestone is wet from my hysterics. "I need you Grams. How do I live without you? I was supposed to have you at graduation or my wedding or at the birth of a child. Now that you're not here to see any of that, I don't want it at all. It's not fair. I just want you back." My emotions are running wild. I can't breathe. My chest begins to spasm, gasping for breath that will not come. I begin to panic, feeling like a fish out of water. I can't move as I fight to breathe. Balling up in a fetal position trying to find relief, I begin to wheeze. I need my emergency inhaler but I can't stop crying. I guess it's like the saying, when it rains it pours. It has been a long time coming. I haven't had an attack like this since my first one when I found out Grams passed away.
Just then dad kneels down and picks me up, cradling me in his arms. "Shh. Shh. It's okay baby girl. Calm down. You need to breathe. Take long deep breaths." Mom holds my inhaler out for me to grab. Holding it to my mouth, I release the mist and inhale into my lungs. I can finally breathe, but the tears continue to pour down my face. "It's okay to let it out sometimes baby. It's not healthy to keep it all inside. I know you miss her. We all do. She will always be in your heart baby girl. Anytime you need her, just call her and she'll be listening. You can't stop living because she is gone. What is a life if it's not lived to its fullest? She wouldn't want that for you."
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I lay my head on dad's shoulder as my heart rate calms slowly. My limbs are numb and tingling from the lack of oxygen before my parents got to me, which means my legs will give out if I stand so I let him carry me to the car. When he turns around to walk back to the car, I look over his shoulder. "Goodbye Grams." The moment the words escape my lips a small bird lands on the headstone in my puddle of tears. When our eyes meet, it begins to chirp. It may be silly but I believe it's a sign she heard me. Suddenly exhausted from my emotional free fall my eyes drift closed to the beautiful face of one charming southern boy.
Mom had to give me my anxiety medicine once we got to the car because of my panic attack this morning. It usually puts me out of it for a while. From the car ride to the flight is all a big blur. The plane just landed at the New Orleans airport. Mom and dad are having all our vehicles transported so we will have to get a rental until everything arrives.
Since the movers took care of everything, all we have with us is personal belongings, which makes arriving that much easier since we can skip baggage claim. I'm officially in the south for the first time in my life. I'm not sure what to expect once we get to Mississippi but I'm ready to get it over with. I just want to go to sleep. Dad said we have a bit of a drive ahead, so I think I'll do just that. Sleep always takes care of an over worked mind, allowing you to temporarily forget.
My eyes flutter open to a big green exit sign overhead that reads Highway 98 West Hattiesburg/Columbia. Dad takes the exit and what looks like a main strip of town comes into view. Well I have to admit by the looks of all the businesses, maybe I exaggerated slightly on how bad it was here. I guess I will find out soon enough. We pass by several shops and restaurants and I even notice Turtle Creek Mall as we drive down the highway. It's an odd name for a mall.
Just as I'm about to complain about the long drive, dad turns onto a road marked as Canebrake subdivision. He drives down the road, weaving through the houses lined on each side. Some really big and some average, but most really nice. He finally pulls in a house with a sold marker staked in the grass of the front yard. I have to give my p
arents props on house shopping because it's beautiful. I'm guessing, this is the more prosperous people of the area that live here by the looks of everything.
Dad kills the engine to the car and we all get out in unison. Walking in front of the vehicle, dad stops beside me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close to him. "Well does this beat cow fields and trailer parks?"
The memory of dinner that night and how rude I was over that span of days plays back through my mind. I'm almost embarrassed remembering how I acted. "About that…I'm sorry dad. I was a brat and I didn't mean any of it. I was in shock and caught off guard. You were right; I shouldn't be judgmental."
"I know baby girl. It's going to be a big change for everyone. What's important is we remain a tight knit family. This is going to be difficult for all of us. We all left something behind. Come on, you still have to see your room. I'm sure your mother is dying to decorate. My credit card is already dreading it," he teases.
Walking inside, the house is massive. The exterior didn't do the interior justice. The ceilings have to be twelve foot and everything is so open downstairs. There are boxes scattered everywhere throughout the room as well as the new furniture. Mom didn't want the hassle of transporting a house full of furniture so she sold it and bought new. She said a new house deserves a new look. Personally, I could care less what kind of furniture we have. Mom has really good taste though. It's crazy she is a lawyer and not an interior decorator or designer. The woman has mad skills, so I gave her free reign with my room. I'm standing in the middle of the foyer, trying to take everything in.
"Sweetie, I had the furniture guys put your furniture in one of the rooms upstairs. If you don't like it we can move it to the room of your choice. I thought you would want the bigger one since Konnor is going to be away at school." Following her voice, I look over and mom is coming in the door with an arm full of bags.
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