by Heath Pfaff
"I'm sorry." I forced out an apology, understanding that I had crossed the line I'd set for myself, without meaning to.
"I didn't mind." Malice replied, her eyes downcast, the color in her cheeks heightening until it seemed all the blood in her body must have fled there. "You can do that any time you want to." She added after a pause.
I was too happy to see her alive to offer any more of an apology, or to make excuses for my actions. I put my arm around her once more, and hugged her tightly to me. The ship's crew watched the whole spectacle unfold before them, most appearing confused. Knights of Ethan were not known to be emotional and affectionate, but I didn't care what they saw of me at that moment.
The black cloaks looked, as ever, hostile and more interested in Malice as breeding stock than anything else. The human crew was busy trying to keep the ship running, but even they had stopped to watch the confusing scene unfold before them. It was time to get things under control. I hesitantly released Malice, though I did not move away from her. I looked for familiar faces amidst the crowd, and saw a few. I spotted Ethaniel. His clothes were tattered in places, and his skin looked reddened, as though he'd been too close to a fire for a time, but he appeared mostly uninjured.
"Ethaniel, I need a head count. I need to know how many men we have left in fighting condition, and how many of us survived, Black Patch Brigade, human crew, and Knights." I ordered him. He came forward.
"All the Knights, with the exception of Fen who died in the initial volley of enemy fire, are accounted for and suffering from no serious injuries. It will take some time to figure out how many of the Brigade have survived, but just from looking at those on deck, I'd say we've lost close to 900 of them. In the chaos, and the noise, they were unable to think for themselves enough to keep from being slaughtered." He answered quickly. It was obvious that while I was having my emotional moment with Malice, he had already been taking stock of the situation.
My relief at hearing no more of the Knights of Ethan had been lost, lifted a huge weight from my shoulders that I hadn't known had been there. Upon hearing that 900 of the black cloaks had fallen, that weight returned. I wondered if Liet had been one of them. Again, I had no right to worry about him above the others, but that didn't change the fact that I did. He had been a friend once, and I still believed that he existed somewhere beneath the layers of magic, and the hostility of the Fell Beast.
My thoughts turned once more to the fallen Knight. Poor Fen. He hadn't deserved to die the way he had. It had been fast, but he hadn't even had a chance to save himself. He'd never really been one of the Knights, and was gone forever before that could be changed. What legacy did he leave behind? At sea, we couldn't even properly show him his last rites, not that there would have been anything to bury.
"Sir," A voice spoke from behind me. I turned to face the man who had spoken. He was a human, older, with gray hair, heavily tanned skin, and the look of a well traveled sea farer about him.
"Yes?" I tried to seem as unimposing as possible.
"I was hired on as captain, but only half my crew made it on board ship. There are ten of us, Sir, and enough to manage things for a time, but we can't keep the ship in order around the clock. This journey is to be a long one, and we will either need to put in at a different dock to get more hands, or we'll need to teach your men how to run this ship." He said. He spoke confidently and managed to meet my eyes through his entire speech.
"What's your name, Captain?" I asked him. The fact that he did not outwardly project any fear he might be feeling made me like him. I wouldn't have blamed him for being terrified. He was to be stuck on a ship for two years with a group of men many considered monsters, and he only had half of his crew. His home dock had just fired upon him, his other ten men were probably dead, but he was all business. That took strength.
He shrugged a reply. "They always just call me Captain, it's as good as any name."
"Alright, then, Captain. We'll train our men to manage this ship. It's going to be a difficult process, since they're not inclined to learn things that don't involve fighting, but we'll see your men don't have to run the entire ship on their own. I'll be relying on you for judgments concerning what is needed to maintain this ship since I have little experience at sailing. Any questions that need an expert opinion, you can bring to Telistera's attention." I gestured to the silver-eyed woman who was also watching the happenings with rapt attention. "She is well experienced at sea, and is the only one of us all that has made this voyage before."
Captain nodded. "As you will, Sir."
I shook my head. "You can call me Noble. This journey is going to be far too long for formalities. If you have any needs, or your men have any requests, bring them to me immediately and I will see what can be done."
"Aye, Noble." He said, before offering a slight bow of respect, and running off to attend to his duties. Ten human men. I had hoped to have at least double that many for each ship. Of course, only one ship remained of the original three. My visit to Risthis had been devastating. A strong yearning for vengeance burned inside of me. I knew on some level that it was a hollow desire, but that did not lessen the want for blood to match that spilled by the foolish noble of Risthis. It felt wrong that no one would pay for the death of the innocent Fen, and the hundreds of black cloaks, all once men of the kingdom, who had died in the fires on the dock. What of the dock workers and ship crews?
"You're not thinking of going back, are you?" It was Telistera. She was now standing beside Ethaniel, both of them watching me intently. I met her strange, mirror-like silver eyes. Was I so easily readable?
"No, I won't go back." I said, and it was the truth. I didn't know if I'd ever go back. Just the same, I still wanted vengeance.
"I've seen that look on the face of others. It never amounts to anything good for anyone." She pressed her point.
"I have other things to attend to. Vengeance will have to go unserved." I answered, and I could hear some of the agitation in my voice.
"We should have a service for those that are lost." Telistera offered in what I gathered was an attempt to shift my focus from revenge to something more constructive.
I nodded. I hadn't considered that. Just because we were at sea, didn't mean we had to simply forget those who'd died. "Once the matters of the ship are settled, I'll see to it personally."
Telistera smiled, ever a sad expression upon her face, and turned to leave.
"Telistera," I stopped her. "Thank you for pulling me off the dock." Had she not done so, I knew, I would be dead at the harbor of Risthis.
She didn't turn back to me. "Your daughter needs you. I think we all do. You're the type of man that passes through the world, and it bends to accept you. The rest of us can't make a difference, but I think you can, Noble. I think you can make a difference for the better. I've thought that since the first time I saw you." She left with those words, on her way to try and make sense of the chaos of our departure.
I didn't understand what she'd just told me. I would, I thought, need to ask her about those parting lines at some point. That time would have to come later, as there was still much I had to do. For my own peace of mind, I needed to see if Liet was among the still remaining men from Kreo who were milling about the deck with no definitive sense of purpose.
I took my first step, deciding if I didn't get moving, I might forever remain in place. Malice followed in my wake, a silent, but welcome companion. Ethaniel split from us, but it seemed to me that his gray eyes kept watching me. Just before his head turned away, I thought I saw a devilish mirth burning beneath their surface. The old Knight was away before I could say for certain. A chill ran down my back.
I sat staring at the swinging lamp, unlit though it was, as it traced a course back and forth through the air in time with the motion of the ship beneath me. Laouna was fast asleep in one of the two beds in our small cabin, but I could not make myself sleep. Two months aboard ship had done little to help me relax. I had not seen land in a long time,
and there was something stark and terrible about the endless flatness of the ocean spreading out in every direction. It was as though the rest of the world was entirely gone, and only we remained.
What was worse, Telistera became notably more agitated the further out to sea we went. She watched the waters almost constantly, her eyes sliding along the turbulent surface of endless blue-green depths as though at any moment the very sea might spring up and attack. If what she said of the beasts beneath the waves were true, then perhaps that was not such a great stretch of reality. She had been watching the waters for the past month, saying that we had entered the deeps.
"They feed out here, beyond the shallows." She'd told me one evening as I sat with her atop the deck.
"Perhaps we'll outrun them." I'd offered, but she'd just shaken her head.
"We can run for a time, but eventually the wind will die down, and they'll be there. They always were." Telistera's eyes had taken on a distant look. Memories. I had not breeched that topic again with her, and she had done little else other than sit on deck and watch the waters.
The black cloaks had taken a great deal of training, but they had become proficient enough to manage most of the ship's tasks with little human interference. The human crew still worked beside them, but they'd settled into a harmony that seemed to work well enough, and while at full sail, the daily tasks of sailing became easier. I took my turn at the chores, and I made sure the others Knights did as well. There was a good deal of grumbling, but I felt we should all do our part to keep the ship in good working order. We did not need a rift between the human crew and the Knights.
All told, there were 112 black cloaks left alive. Liet had indeed been among them. There were six Knights left, and ten human crewmen. The ship was designed to comfortably transport a crew of 350, and under desperate situations, a crew of 400 could find places. Our tiny crew of 128 made the ship feel empty, especially since the black cloaks rarely talked while on duty, and never spoke with anyone outside of their own group when off duty. For the longest time, I had not known they talked amongst each other at all, but I had seen them talking once, a few weeks after our ship left port, and since then I had noticed it other times as well.
I had believed them only able to communicate with those who directly confronted them, but obviously I had been incorrect. They had once given me the name Oath-breaker, so I should have known they had some way of communicating amongst one another. I still understood very little about the magic that governed their behavior. In truth, magic in general was a mystery to me. I understood that all power came with a sacrifice, but I was not clear on anything beyond that. I had asked Ethaniel about it once, but he'd not been inclined to discuss it, saying that, "Some things are best left unknown." I wasn't sure if I agreed with that thought, but I also was no fan of magic, so I did not press the matter.
Finding Liet among the crew had been a substantial relief to me. I had resumed my daily talks with him, and found that he was still responding to his actual name. At times, though I might have imagined it, it seemed that he was even making an effort to communicate with me as well. Of course, that might have just been wishful thinking. It was hard to believe that after so many years of trying the same things over and over again, he would finally start to come out of his shell.
A scream startled me from my thoughts, Laouna. I flashed across the room and was at her bedside in an instant. She was sitting bolt upright, her eyes opened wide in terror. I sat on her bedside and wrapped my arm around her shoulders.
"What's wrong, Laouna?" I asked in as soothing a voice as possible. Her body against mine was as stiff as a board, but as I spoke she turned to me, seemed to notice me for the first time, and I felt her relax into my embrace.
"I had a nightmare." She said quietly. ". . . it seemed so real though."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. It sometimes seemed that talking about such things chased them away more effectively. A nightmare, kept to one's self, was bound to repeat. I didn't know if that was true, but I'd heard it said before. I relaxed, knowing that Malice would be alright. I was certain she would tell me about her nightmare, and drift back off to sleep.
"I dreamed that there were these monsters, thousands of them, crawling across the land. They all had red glowing eyes, but some of them were great black giants, with hundreds of the smaller creatures upon their backs." She began.
I felt a wave of cold pass through me at her words. She was describing the Hungering, and the battle we'd fought in before confronting Lucidil. It was the first time since she'd woken from her injuries suffered in the fight with Lucidil that she had ever mentioned any of those events. I wasn't sure whether to be excited, afraid, or worried. I wanted her to remember her life, and to become the Malice I remembered, but I wasn't sure I wanted her memories to start in such a terrible place.
"You were there, and you kept fighting those . . . things. I was trying to tell you to stop, but you wouldn't listen. I was afraid you were going to die, so I followed you. I kept trying to help you. You just got further and further away. I couldn't keep up with you no matter how hard I tried. I lost sight of you, and it started to rain this strange blue fire. I was afraid of it at first.
"Everything it touched burned away, but it seemed to be avoiding me, as though it were impossible for it to strike me. Then I found you. You were lying on the ground, screaming, and the blue fire was covering you. I couldn't help you, Lowin." She looked at me and there were tears streaming down her face. I squeezed her shoulders.
"It's just a dream. Those monsters are gone now, and I'm fine. There is no blue fire. You don't need to worry." I told her, though those monsters haunted my dreams as well, and the blue fire had consumed me in my nightmares more then I dared to discuss. It was rare that I would ever sleep and not see that battle against the Hungering and their black drakes. The rain of blue fire, the feeling of my flesh burning away; memories that haunted both waking and sleeping.
"It was so real. I could hear the sounds of people fighting, and smell the burning. . ." She insisted.
"Those are memories of the time before you woke up." I told her, deciding it was better to be honest with her. "That was one of the last battles we fought together. We won, though, and we are both here now, so there is nothing to worry about. Those things are past, and we are both safe." I tried to fill my voice with assurance.
I felt her hand reach across my chest and touch my left shoulder, the place where it should have connected to my arm.
"That's where you lost your arm, isn't it?" Her voice was just above a whisper as she asked.
I nodded, trying to push back the memory of that moment that surged forward. "Yes, that's where I lost my arm."
"I'm sorry I didn't save you." Laouna's voice was sad, heavy with regrets she should not have felt.
"I made the decision that caused this injury. There was nothing you could have done to change things, and I know you would have if you were able. You don't need to feel any guilt about my arm." I told her. It was the truth. I left out that I had lost the arm saving her life because that didn't really matter. I had made that choice, and if I had it to do over a thousand times, I would make the same choice. I might miss the arm occasionally, but I never regretted the decision that caused me to lose it.
"Ethaniel says that you could have a new arm if you wanted. I've heard him tell you that a lot. Why don't you get a new arm?" She asked. It was the first time she'd ever asked me that. Ethaniel had many times, and Snow had pressed the point as well, but Laouna never had.
"Don't I do well enough with just the one?" I asked, avoiding the question. I didn't know how to explain it to her. How could I tell her that I feared I might become more of a monster if I took another of them into myself? I had tried to explain that to Ethaniel, but he either hadn't understood, or hadn't seen a problem.
"You do, but wouldn't you be better with two?" She pressed.
For a moment I was silent. I wasn't sure what to say. "I might, but there is a pri
ce to be paid for strong arms. I'm not willing to pay that price again." I finally answered.
"How much does it cost? You have a lot of gold." Laouna was sincere in her question. My half-answer would not be sufficient this time.
"It's not money that it costs. For a new arm, I have to give up a little piece of what makes me the Lowin that you know. I've given up a lot of that already. I want to try and keep the rest. I'm afraid of losing myself." I tried to explain again. This time she seemed to understand.
"I don't want you to go away." She said, and put her arms around me.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll just have to make do with my single arm for now. I think I'm doing well." I replied with a smile, and gave her another squeeze.
A loud knock sounded at my door, and I got up from the bed, hesitantly separating myself from Malice. I crossed the dark room and opened the door. Light spilled in from the hall. Snow was standing in the opening. She looked distressed. I had not seen much of her since our voyage had begun. I'd been avoiding her. Every time I saw her, I was reminded that she had betrayed me. That still stung, like a wound that had become infected. The more of her I saw, the less of her I wanted to.