by Heath Pfaff
I was not treating Snow fairly. Or was I? She had betrayed me. It wasn't her betrayal that hurt. It was that it was her who had committed the betrayal. I trusted so few as much as I had her, and so her betrayal was much harder for me to overcome. I wanted to be able to accept her again, but every time I looked at her, I felt resentment. Would I ever see her as I once had? I wasn't certain that was possible.
Malice's absence wore heavily upon me as well. I should have been overjoyed to have survived the great monster's attack, and that the ship had withstood, and that all the crew were well. Instead, I felt as empty as I ever had. Perhaps she had been busy. There was much to do aboard ship, and if Malice was on duty, then she would have had to work instead of sitting at my bedside. I knew that wasn't true. Malice did as she pleased, responsibilities be damned. Really, why should I expect her to stay at my bedside anyway? It wasn't as though I owned her. She was free to do as she wanted. Certainly I had not been the most loyal to her over the years. I'd had my nights with Snow.
It might be better for her to move on beyond me. Certainly I had not made the lives of my friends and supporters any easier over the years. All of these thoughts did nothing to lessen the pain that welled up inside of me. My physical hurts seemed as nothing to the emotional turmoil that churned within.
I just wanted my life back. I wanted my cabin in the woods, with Malice, and Kaylien, and Wisp. Poor Wisp. She was gone forever, another friend burned up in the flame that was my existence. I wore too many deaths about my shoulders. The weight of them all was greater than any other burden I had to carry.
My only hope for salvation, the only chance I had left to reclaim some semblance of my life, lay yet ahead of me. I needed to find Kay, and be the father to her that I should have always been. How old would she be when I finally found her again? Fourteen, fifteen...old enough to marry in some places. Too much time had been lost.
My vision sharpened to perfection, and the ringing fled from my ears. I would carry on. When I finally found Kay, at least I could tell her that I had never given up. I had spent every moment since she'd been taken, trying to find her and bring her home. I hoped that would be enough to help heal the rift that time had opened up between us. I feared it would not.
The damages had been far worse than I'd imagined. Snow had not over estimated the situation. Our repair supplies were critically low, and our ship still had problems. The sails had been entirely replaced. Much of the rope used for tensioning and control had needed to be completely thrown away and refitted. The hull had taken extensive patching. We would not be able to survive another barrage of such damage. On top of all of the damage, we only had two more shots for the sinker cannon.
Telistera's ship was an amazing testament to ship crafting. That it had survived for so long against a beast of such terrible immensity and power, was proof of the silver-eyed woman's design choices. That we all still lived was yet another proof. It was difficult to find joy in those facts, however, when I considered that more than half of our journey still lay ahead of us. A dark mood settled over me.
I returned to my room, after my tour of the ship, at Silver's recommendation. In truth, I felt fine. My injuries, what were left of them, were mostly healed already. I took her advice anyway, hoping to find Malice waiting for me. I reached the door to our shared quarters with some trepidation. My ears, ever acute, could pick out no sounds coming from beyond. I placed my hand upon the wood surface, as if by will alone I might discern the contents of the room beyond. What would I do if I opened the door and found our shared space to have become only my space?
That was a fool's question, I knew. I would go in, and I would be alone. I had not found myself without company in a long time, but it would be my own fault if I did find myself alone. I had been harsh with my words too many times. I had no right to expect anything else. I reached down to the door handle. The metal felt like ice against my palm. I twisted it, and pushed the door open. Darkness waited within.
There was no light on in the room, and even my sensitive eyes could not discern details in complete darkness. I stepped inside the room, pulling the door quietly shut behind me. My eyes could track motion, even in a completely dark place. Other than the slight sway of mobile objects in time with the movement of the ship, nothing stirred. I heard no breathing, and saw no telltale signs of living movement. I walked to the lamp that set upon my desk. I touched its base, and the magic that fueled it crept to life. Light burst into the room, not a lot, but more than enough for me to see that my room was, for all intensive purposes, empty.
Both beds lay made. Someone had even reassembled mine after I'd gotten up from my injuries earlier, but whoever that had been, there was no sign of them in the room any longer. What I feared had come to pass. I was alone. Malice was gone.
I cried then, though I told myself it was a foolish thing to do. It wasn't as though I would never see her again. She was still aboard the ship, and she probably wouldn't stay mad at me forever. At least, I hoped that she would not, but in that moment, I felt as alone as I had not felt since my time imprisoned. That brought back more memories, memories that chipped away at my fragile mental state.
I remembered Wisp, and how she had been so good with Kaylien, when the girl was still a baby. She would have made a fine mother herself. Of course, females of the Knights of Ethan were denied the physical necessities of child birth, but she still would have made a good parent. I touched the scars on my face, the vertical lines that would forever remind me of my lost sister. We had first met as enemies, but before her end, I had been as close to her as anyone else at the time, closer than most.
I remembered first meeting Snow. She had been an enemy at first as well, an agent of the kingdom I rallied against, sent to take advantage of my loneliness, but she had proved herself much more over the years. Snow had fought hard with me, and proven an invaluable companion in the hardest of situations. At least she had been such a companion, until she'd. . .
I let that thought trail off. It mattered little. For the time being I was alone. I had done a terrific job at chasing away those unlucky enough to get too close to me. I was beginning to believe that it was in my nature to foolishly hurt those I was closest to. Perhaps, I thought, it would be better for all involved if I kept my distance from others. They had all done so much for me already, what more could I ask of any of them?
A sudden rage took me, a fire burning from within, coursing from my heart and out through my flesh. It was as though all the darkness locked within me was manifesting. I grabbed the small magical lamp before me and tossed it across the room. It shattered into dust against the wall, the light fading so that the darkness within me was matched once more by the darkness without. I did not stop there. I was overcome by a need to destroy.
I tore my bed from the floor, where it was bolted, and tossed it through the air. Bolted though it was, against my terrible strength there was no resistance. With my claws I ran from wall to wall, thrashing and shredding the world about me. Everything I touched, I broke. Every piece of furniture, every bit of linen, every shelf and sheet I destroyed because it was the only way to answer the dark within me. It asked, "Why does it hurt so much to be alone?" I answered with another howl of rage, and more carnage. I did not stop, could not stop.
I pulled the second bed from its bindings and flung it across the room. It shattered against the wall. Malice's things were gone. Her pack, her spare clothes, the room was empty but for my few possessions, and I cared nothing for them. I cared nothing for myself. I destroyed, and I raged, throwing a tantrum like a child with the strength of a demon, and the stamina of twenty men.
I did not stop my rampage until a knock sounded on the other side of my door, loud and urgent.
"Noble, are you alright?" Snow's voice. She had the nearest room to mine.
Was I alright? The room around me was still and black, in the absence of my fury, it felt as though I was back in the abyss, sunk once more to the bottom of the sea. The knock at the door sounded
again, more urgently.
"Noble, I'm coming in!" The door creaked open, and light, terrible, revealing light spilled across the room and Snow saw it all. She saw the devastation around me, and her eyes met mine. Her expression changed from concern to fear. What did she see when she looked at me? She didn't see Lowin that was for sure. No one would look at Lowin with such a terrible expression on their face. She saw the truth. She saw a man falling apart, lost in the grip of his own darkness, held in the fist of the monsters that drove.
"I'm fine." I said, the words a growl, a voice that wasn't mine at all. It was the Fell Beast. It was Lowin. It was something more. It was something less than all of those. It was a lie.
"You're . . ." Snow began, but my rage flared.
"I'm fine!" I growled, feeling my throat rip at the guttural roar that erupted from me. Snow jumped backwards, shutting the door. I heard her footsteps move away quickly down the corridor.
"We're better like this." I heard my own voice, though I hadn't realized I was speaking the words. I stood amidst the fruits of my rage, destruction my only companion. The anger fled from me, and was replaced by nothingness. Rage could make a man feel full and powerful, but once it fled, he was left with less than he had before it consumed him. It carved its place in the heart, and once carved out, it was difficult to repair the void that was left. In fact, I wasn't certain it was possible at all.
Weeks passed and became months. I encountered almost no one during that stretch of endless time. I was a prisoner, locked away by my own callous rage and self-pity. I left my room long enough to keep myself alive, food and water runs, and no longer. Snow and Malice I did not see at all, though a few times I thought I saw someone watching me from the corner of my vision when I left my room to obtain provisions. I had no will to confront them. It felt to me that some spark of what made me wish to live, had been snuffed out. I was full of anger, little else.
My room remained in ruin, and I slept amidst the rubble I had created. In the darkness, surrounded only by broken things, I had time to reflect upon the mistakes and failures of my life. I also had time to think of the future. I was unsure what it held for me, but I knew that I needed to be ready to face whatever challenge next presented itself to me, if for no other reason, than so that I might save Kay.
As I lay staring up into the darkness of the room around me, a knock sounded at my door. I wasn't entirely surprised by the sound, for I had heard the telltale footsteps coming down the hallway. However, I had heard that same pattern many times, and no one had stopped at my door before. I did not answer the person on the others side of the door.
The knock sounded again, louder, and more insistent. For a moment I entertained the thought that it might be Malice, finally coming to forgive me for my harsh words, and foolish behavior. I tossed that thought aside as quickly as it had occurred. She would not come. I had given her no reason to come back. It was better if she did not. She needed to find her own way, and to stay away from whatever it was I was becoming. They were all better off without getting too close to me.
The door to my room opened, and light spilled in from the hallway, splitting the near total darkness of my destroyed living area. I had made my resting place in the furthest reaches of the room, in a corner, and no light hit me where I lay, but I still found myself withdrawing from the burning glow of the lanterns that so angrily assaulted the serene peace of my dark retreat.
"Noble," It was Ethaniel's voice, perhaps the last voice I'd thought to hear. I had not seen him in months. "This madness needs to end. The crew has become convinced that you've lost your mind."
I felt eyes upon me, though I knew Ethaniel had only taken one step into the room. He should not have been able to see me from where he stood, yet I knew he could. Those gray, smoke-filled eyes of his were piercing the darkness, and locking on me. I could feel them crawling across my skin, hungry, and full of ... something. I couldn't be sure what I was feeling, but it wasn't the normal animosity I felt when Ethaniel's gray eyes were upon me. I stood up in the darkness. I was discovered already, and I preferred to meet Ethaniel on his own level.
His Knight's eyes found me as soon as I moved, and then two sets of eyes were watching.
"The human crew believes the beast that attacked our ship drove your mind away as well. The Knights believe you're injuries have gone to your mind, and that you're beyond recovery. Snow believes you've lost control of the darker parts of yourself, and that you're dangerous. The Brigade, I don't know what they think is happening, but they know something is not right. They've . . ." his words trailed off.
"You need to be a king to these people. I don't know what has happened to you, but I know you're not out of your mind." He continued after a pause. He was leaving something out. There was some other reason he'd come to me, some reason he wasn't ready to tell me yet.
"I want to be left alone." I said, my voice was raw, unused. I hadn't spoken since the night I'd destroyed my room. I hadn't had any water in days, maybe a week. My body needed little, but I was pushing those bounds.
"No, Noble, you're not going to be left alone. Your crew has given you three months. It's time for you to stop acting like your actions don't affect anyone else. Whether you like it or not, this ship relies upon your leadership, and right now that is needed. We have a problem." Ethaniel's voice seemed uneasy at the last, and that uneasiness spread to me. The sulkiness I'd been basking in retreated.
"What kind of problem?" I asked.
"You should see for yourself. It's on the deck." The old Knight seemed intense, and I found myself caught up in that sense of urgency. I crossed the room to him.
"Fine, lead on." I acquiesced. I didn't need to grab my sword and cloak. I had been wearing them for the past month. I had put them on at some point, and simply never taken them off again. I stepped out into the hallway beyond my room, and followed Ethaniel. The halls were quiet until we reached the point where the main apartments met up with the primary walkway that traveled up to the deck. Around the final stairway more than half the black cloaks were assembled, talking quietly amongst themselves. When they saw Ethaniel and me approaching, they went quiet.
Their attention was focused squarely on me. I could feel the probing questions that burned inside of them. Is he sane? Is he a man? Is he a monster? I knew in that moment that the black cloaks were as curious about my behavior as the other members of the crew. Even if Ethaniel didn't know what they were thinking, it was obvious to me. They stood aside as we approached, and I crested the stairs and walked through the doorway that passed into the wide open deck beyond.
The light outside, brighter than any I'd encountered in weeks, would have been too much for my eyes, if my eyes were not capable of adapting almost instantly to even the most extreme situations. As it was, I felt a moment of piercing pain before they adjusted to the brilliant sunlight that spilled across the deck. It was early morning. All eyes on deck turned to me as I exited out into the open. Tower, Snow, and Silver were on the deck as well. Malice, she was standing next to Snow. I caught a glimpse of her red hair for a moment before her hood was pulled low and she fell into Snow's shadow. The pink-eyed warrior stood before her, almost protectively.
I winced inwardly, but tried not to let my pain touch my face. I looked at all the faces watching me. Each looked as though they anticipated I might turn into a beast right before their very eyes. It was interesting how far, and how fast, a man could fall from king to monster.
I was uncomfortable beneath their accusing gazes. In that moment, if I could have appeased their desires, I may have erupted into the monster they so suspected me of being, and dived into the sea, to swim away and never return. It was a foolish thought, but with so many watching and waiting for me to make some sort of outburst, I felt every part the fool.
"I don't see a problem." I said quietly to Ethaniel.
"Look up." The old Knight replied stoically, and I did. My eyes scanning the lines of the sails, running over the well crafted white fabric, looking for
some flaw, and then they locked on the problem. When I saw it, I was immediately stricken with a sense of dread.
A body, seemingly small with the distance it hung above the main deck, swung from a rope tied securely about its neck. It was one of the Black Patch Brigade, though I couldn't tell which one from where I stood. It was obvious from the stretch of the neck, and leaden way which it swung, that whoever it was, was dead. One of the Brigade had been killed aboard ship. What that implied, and what it could mean for the rest of the crew, was difficult to decipher, but I knew that it was an ill portent.
"Who did this?" I asked, my shock at the sight causing my voice to deepen and growl as it came out. The words were loud enough that they carried for some distance across the silent ship, the ship that watched me as though I might explode into flames and kill them all at any moment. Certainly the tone of my voice was doing nothing to disillusion them.
Ethaniel shrugged. "We've already asked, but no one is taking credit for it." The old Knight looked troubled. "The black cloaks haven't done anything yet, but..." He let the sentence hang. I knew the implications. If someone had killed a black cloak, how long would it be before they took their retribution? They were no longer as tightly restricted by the magic that bound them.