Laurie Becker, whose compassion and intelligence shepherded this book through multiple drafts and pulled me from the edge more times than I can count.
Lenna Buissink, Marilyn Dickinson, Debbie Goodeve, Billy Heath, and Robyn, Alison, Pat, and Ben Spencer—my diligent, loving readers who allowed me to speak my own truth, which, of course, may not be their truth.
Nick Dillon, my tattoo guru, and Miriam Todras Spencer, for putting up with me, and the boisterous Ketcham-Spencer clan.
Jane Barragar and Kathleen Hutchison, my Wicked Sisters, who never fail to remind me that book clubs aren’t always about books.
Lou Holm, Jeff Jay, Debra Jay, Sharon Kaufman-Osborn, Marie Metheny, William Moyers, Scott Munson, Danny Reese, Marv Seppala, Susan Stough, and Joyce Sundin (among so many others), who led us through the rough and tumble with skill and grace.
Ben Dorrington and the staff at Wilderness Treatment Center and Gray Wolf Ranch, who understand that the process of recovery is unpredictable and unique to each individual and whose patience and steadfastness allowed the miracle to happen.
Susan, Tim, Linda, Steve, and their boys, who brought home the real meaning of community; and Allison, Charles, Connie, Dan, Dana, Gail, Gloria, John, Kim, Lenna, Marla, Sandy, Shelley, Tami, and the entire Trilogy family, including Luis, Megan, and Cari, who have kept the spirit of community alive for all these years.
Gary D’Agostino—we miss you more than we can say—and Liz and Sarah, who so lovingly keep his memory alive.
Bill White, a hero in the addiction and recovery world and a great friend to Ernie—and, to my everlasting gratitude, to me.
Haven Iverson, my editor at Sounds True. Haven is a writer’s dream come true, willing to dig into a manuscript and, holding nothing back, offer insightful critiques and detailed suggestions. Her honesty, talent, and sensitivity helped stitch this book into a coherent whole. She’s a treasure.
The talented team at Sounds True, who make me thank my lucky stars every day for landing at a publishing house where relationships matter. Thank you especially to Jennifer Brown, director of acquisitions; Sarah Gorecki, managing editor; Tara Joffe, copyeditor; Wendy Gardner, publicist; Chloe Prusiewicz, product marketing manager; and Rachael Murray, Beth Skelley, and Karen Polaski for the book and cover design.
Jane Dystel, my dynamic, indefatigable, never-take-no-for-an-answer literary agent—a true “author’s agent”—who has guided my career with a steady hand for many years.
After all is said and done, whatever imperfections remain are mine to claim.
recommended reading
This is a very short list of some of my all-time favorite books. If you are like me, having too much information and too many choices can throw you into a tailspin of wondering where to start. Each of these books helps fill out the picture of family helplessness, hopelessness, and resilience, with an emphasis on courage, strength, and wisdom. At the end of this short list, I suggest two invaluable websites that will take you just about anywhere you want to go to learn more about addiction and recovery.
Books
Sheff, David. Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction. A riveting real-life story written by a father about his methamphetamine-addicted son. Although meth addiction is still a huge problem, the headlines have switched over to the lethal opioid epidemic. Never forget, though, that a drug is a drug is a drug; and, just to make a point, alcohol is the “worst” drug of all in terms of the number of people it kills and maims, either directly or indirectly.
Knapp, Caroline. Drinking: A Love Story. Addiction begins in an early stage and progresses, often over a period of many years, into its later stages. For anyone who does not understand the concept of the “high-functioning” alcoholic or addict, this book is invaluable.
McGovern, George. Terry: My Daughter’s Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism. Former Senator George McGovern wrote this heartbreaking story about his daughter Terry’s long and tortuous struggle with alcoholism. His descriptions of what he would do if he had another chance to save her are unforgettably moving.
Lee, Joseph. Recovering My Kid: Parenting Young Adults in Treatment and Beyond. Finally, a book for parents written by a doctor who truly understands the family’s experience. Dr. Lee writes with the experience of an empathic, highly skilled physician who has worked with hundreds of families struggling to help their addicted loved ones.
Jay, Jeff and Debra. Love First: A Family’s Guide to Intervention. The most comprehensive guide to intervention, which the authors describe as the most powerful step that a family can take to initiate the recovery process.
Mogel, Wendy. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children. If every parent would read this book when their children are still in elementary school and take time to revisit the passages they underlined, they would save themselves—and their children—much anguish and confusion during the tempestuous adolescent years. Forget the rattles, bibs, and onesies and wrap up this precious gem for new parents.
Websites
drugfree.org Filled with down-to-earth advice, helpful tips, colorful graphics, and personalized advice including a telephone helpline, online chat room, and “Ask a parent who’s been there” page, this is your first stop for information on everything to do with drugs, addiction, and recovery.
williamwhitepapers.com I can’t even begin to list all the valuable resources on Bill White’s website but trust me—click on any one of his papers, book reviews, interviews, journal articles, or recovery toolkit tips and you’ll begin an astonishing learning adventure with one of the most respected authorities in the addiction and recovery field.
book club reader´s guide
1.Katherine opens the first chapter with the words, “Addiction was handed to me, like a gift.” What do you make of this statement?
2.Ben grew up in a loving, middle-class family with a mother who specializes in addiction and a father in long-term recovery. And yet, despite their knowledge and experience, they could not prevent the disease from entering their own home. How did Katherine’s story influence or alter your thoughts around the subject of addiction?
3.Katherine refers to Ben’s addiction as a demon that walked into her house and threatened to destroy her entire family. For Ben, though, addiction is not a demon; it’s a spiritual malady. Does Ben’s perspective alter his mother’s way of thinking about addiction as the story unfolds? How do you characterize addiction after reading this book?
4.In chapter 2, Katherine asks her group at the Juvenile Justice Center what is hurting them. They respond with statements about feeling ashamed and disconnected from their friends and family because of their drug use, even to the point of asking themselves, “What kind of human being am I?” Katherine writes, “We can help these young people understand that they fit in and belong in a world that seems to have turned its back on them.” How well do you think she followed this intent when her own son became addicted to drugs?
5.“The Juvie stories are ripping me apart,” Katherine writes. “I am too deeply connected to their grief and their longing.” Later in the book, Ben confronts her with these words: “You hate drugs; you think everyone is like your Juvie kids . . . That’s why everything fell apart.” How did Katherine’s involvement with the Juvie kids complicate her relationship with her own children?
6.On page 56, Katherine writes, “Ben is not addicted, I keep reminding myself. I would be able to see it, even in its early stages. I know what addiction looks like.” How do you think you would react if you were in Katherine’s shoes? How would you try to balance a dual role as an addiction expert who counsels others to “let go,” and a loving mother whose every instinct is to “hold on”?
7.Hope is an important and continuing theme throughout this book. How did hope help the family stay grounded in all of the chaos?
8.At one point Katherine writes, “Hope dies hard, and we hold on as long as we possibly can—maybe longer than we should.” Is
it possible that clinging to hope can prevent us from facing reality? Can too much reliance on hope encourage avoidance and inaction when what is needed is active engagement?
9.“There is more than one miracle to be discovered in this life,” Katherine writes. What are the different kinds of miracles she discovers in the pages of this book?
10.The theme of “brokenness” appears throughout the book. “The meaning of life is to be broken, to pick up the pieces, and to start living again, as if for the first time,” Ben writes in a letter to a friend, while Katherine writes, “We were bound together by our grief and our guilt, by our shame and our soul-sickness, by our fear and our pain.” Do you agree that a deeper connection to ourselves and each other can be found in our “torn-to-pieces-hood”?
11.Do you agree with this advice from Katherine’s friend Joyce, an intervention specialist? “We can’t change other people, Kathy. We can only change ourselves. And in doing so, we change everything.”
12.Katherine claims she is not a religious person and yet throughout the book she talks about God, prays to God, and even has conversations with God. In chapter 12, she tells a story about God, ending with the words, “Oh God. I know how you feel.” What do you think about her developing relationship with God, which she defines as “a force in this world that throws color, light, and goodness all around, a hidden power that is greater, stronger, more enduring than the dark energies of ignorance and prejudice”?
13.One of Ben’s counselors offers this “two shoulders” advice: “The rest of your life depends on who you choose to walk on either side of you.” Do you agree that recovery depends on having the guidance of others who help you take the right path? Or is recovery, at its heart, a solo journey?
14.Throughout the book, Katherine and Ben write letters to each other, sometimes long and emotional, sometimes short and somewhat detached. Have you tried writing letters to your child when you are deep in a conflict or do you have some other communication method that you use? How does your particular method of communication help regulate your emotions and enlarge your perspective on the situation? How does your child react and respond to your efforts to communicate?
15.Katherine talks about how shame and guilt overwhelm her after she and Ben argue or fight. “Within minutes—seconds?—I am ‘shoulding’ all over myself. I ‘should’ have been patient. I ‘should’ have given him two minutes or five minutes (why not ten?) to finish what he was doing. I ‘should’ have removed myself from the situation . . . Should should should.” Do you relate to this feeling of immediate regret? As a parent, how do you come to terms with emotions of guilt, shame, and regret? How do you keep yourself from getting hung up on the “what ifs?” and “I should haves?”
16.Were there particular passages that struck a chord with you? Did you find yourself relating to the thoughts or emotions expressed? Did any of the passages call forth memories from your own experiences with your children or other family members?
17.Katherine was compelled to address the way people look at and understand addiction, challenging the stigma and stereotypes that surround it. Do you think she succeeded?
18.How did this book impact your thoughts about addiction, and especially the idea of addiction as a “family disease”? The current state of medical care and treatment for addiction? The need for family support programs in treatment centers and in communities?
19.How did you come away feeling, after reading this book? Inspired? Anxious? Less afraid? Hopeful?
20.Is this a book you will continue thinking about, now that you are done? Do you find it having an impact on the way you go about your days?
about the author
Katherine Ketcham has been writing nonfiction books for nearly forty years. Her first book, Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism (coauthored with James Milam, PhD) was published in 1981 and is considered a classic in addiction literature, along with The Spirituality of Imperfection (coauthored with Ernest Kurtz). The Only Life I Could Save is her seventeenth book. Her books have been published in sixteen foreign languages and have sold almost two million copies.
In 1999, Katherine began volunteering at the Juvenile Justice Center in Walla Walla, Washington, leading educational groups and working individually with adolescents in trouble with alcohol and other drugs. For four years she wrote a bimonthly newspaper column for the Walla Walla Union Bulletin titled “Straight Talk About Drugs.” She is the founder and former executive director of Trilogy Recovery Community, a grassroots, nonprofit organization in Walla Walla dedicated to developing and expanding community-based recovery support services for chemically dependent youth and their family members.
Katherine lives in Walla Walla with her husband, Patrick Spencer, a geology professor. They have three children: Robyn, a speech pathologist living in Portland, Oregon; Alison, a special education teacher in Seattle, Washington; and Benjamin.
Ben celebrated his tenth year in long-term recovery on October 15, 2017. After graduating from Whitman College in 2010, he worked as a corps member for Teach for America in Nashville and went on to work as the teacher in the Boys Residential Program at Muir Wood Adolescent and Family Services in Petaluma, California. He currently works as senior writer for Fresh Consulting and is finishing his first novel. Ben lives in Walla Walla, Washington, with his wife, Miriam, and their two boxers, Cali and Nessie.
Also by Katherine Ketcham
Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism, coauthored with James R. Milam, PhD
Eating Right to Live Sober: A Comprehensive Guide to Alcoholism and Nutrition, coauthored with L. Ann Mueller, MD
Recovering: How to Get and Stay Sober, coauthored with L. Ann Mueller, MD
Living on the Edge: A Guide to Intervention for Families with Drug and Alcohol Problems, coauthored with Ginny Lyford Asp
Witness for the Defense: The Accused, the Eyewitness, and the Expert Who Puts Memory on Trial, coauthored with Elizabeth Loftus, PhD
The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning, coauthored with Ernest Kurtz
The Myth of Repressed Memory: False Memories and Allegations of Sexual Abuse, coauthored with Dr. Elizabeth Loftus
In the House of the Moon: Reclaiming the Feminine Spirit of Healing, coauthored with Jason Elias
The Five Elements of Self-Healing: Using Chinese Medicine for Maximum Immunity, Wellness, and Health, coauthored with Jason Elias
Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism, coauthored with William F. Asbury
The Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide to Creating Intimacy, Self-Understanding, and Lasting Love in Your Life, coauthored with Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, EdD, PhD
Teens Under the Influence: The Truth About Kids, Alcohol, and Other Drugs—How to Recognize the Problem and What to Do About It, coauthored with Nicholas A. Pace, MD
Broken: My Story of Addiction and Redemption, coauthored with William Cope Moyers
Miss O’Dell: My Hard Days and Long Nights with The Beatles, The Stones, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, and the Women They Loved, coauthored with Chris O’Dell
Experiencing Spirituality: Finding Meaning Through Storytelling, coauthored with Ernest Kurtz
The Pain Antidote: The Proven Program to Help You Stop Suffering from Chronic Pain, Avoid Addiction to Painkillers—and Reclaim Your Life, coauthored with Mel Pohl, MD
about sounds true
Sounds True is a multimedia publisher whose mission is to inspire and support personal transformation and spiritual awakening. Founded in 1985 and located in Boulder, Colorado, we work with many of the leading spiritual teachers, thinkers, healers, and visionary artists of our time. We strive with every title to preserve the essential “living wisdom” of the author or artist. It is our goal to create products that not only provide information to a reader or listener, but that also embody the quality of a wisdom transmission.
For those seeking genuine transformation, Sounds True is your tru
sted partner. At SoundsTrue.com you will find a wealth of free resources to support your journey, including exclusive weekly audio interviews, free downloads, interactive learning tools, and other special savings on all our titles.
To learn more, please visit SoundsTrue.com/freegifts or call us toll-free at 800.333.9185.
Sounds True
Boulder, CO 80306
© 2018 Katherine Ketcham
Sounds True is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author and publisher.
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Published 2018
Cover design by Karen Polaski
Book design by Beth Skelley
Excerpts from DREAM WORK, copyright © 1986 by Mary Oliver. Used by permission of Grove/Atlantic, Inc. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited.
Printed in Canada
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Ketcham, Katherine, 1949- author.
Title: The only life I could save : a memoir / Katherine Ketcham.
Description: Boulder, Colorado : Sounds True, 2018.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017033129 (print) | LCCN 2017043629 (ebook) | ISBN 9781622039784 (ebook) | ISBN 9781622039777 (hardcover)
Subjects: LCSH: Ketcham, Katherine, 1949- | Parents of drug addicts—United States—Biography. | Drug addicts—Family relationships—United States. | Drug addicts—Rehabilitation—United States. | Mothers and sons—United States.
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