McCall answered on the first ring. “Sinclair, what’s up?”
There was no point in hiding behind his pride—Kacie’s emotional well-being had to come first. “I screwed up. Kacie may not want me to guard her any longer.”
“Explain.”
“We got…intimate. She freaked out—my fault.”
“Freaked out…how? Do I need to send someone over there to calm her down…be with her?”
That would probably embarrass Kacie even more. “No. I think she’s okay.” Brennan closed his eyes. But what the hell did he know?
McCall huffed out a breath, and Brennan couldn’t help the mortification that swept through him. It had been a long time since he’d been called on the carpet by an employer.
His first job with LCR—one that so far hadn’t involved much more than escorting a beautiful woman to a few events—and he’d messed it up. He was a trained professional and knew better than to become involved with the primary. It was not only unethical, it was a sure path to disaster. Having his focus on anything other than keeping Kacie safe could put her in more danger.
“Did she say she wants you to go?”
“No.” Not yet, anyway.
“Then let’s wait. I know she’s talked to Skylar and Gabe several times and had nothing but good things to say about you. And from what I’ve heard from Kelly and Ingram, she seems to trust you.”
“Yeah…until tonight.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Sinclair.”
Before Brennan could say thanks for the surprising support, McCall added, “I’ll be doing that myself if anything happens to Kacie. Got it?”
Brennan grunted out a surprised laugh but knew the man spoke the truth. “Yeah…got it.”
“Kelly told me about the photos you were shown at her office—apparently taken by one of her employees.”
“That’s the story.”
“You have your doubts?”
“Seems too damn convenient. However, this Stewart guy does have a crush on her. That’s not something he even bothers to hide.”
“If he’s not hiding it…everyone knows about it. Yes, seems like he’d be a convenient scapegoat. What do you think about the woman who showed them to you?”
“She’s mid-sixtyish. If she’s involved…” Suddenly weary, Brennan wiped his hand down his face. “Hell, I don’t know. People can do all sorts of shit for all different kinds of reasons.”
“You got that right. We’ll dig deeper into everyone and see what we can see.”
“We’re leaving for Barbados tomorrow afternoon.”
“Will be interesting to see if things die down until she gets back.”
“Yeah. She’s not taking any of her people. Be a good test.”
“Update me when you have something.”
“Will do. And McCall, thanks for…” For not firing me or telling me what an asshole I am. “Just, thanks.”
“We’ve all been there, Sinclair.”
And with those enigmatic words, the LCR leader ended the call.
Chapter Twenty-four
Kacie braced herself for what lay outside her bedroom door. After hiding out all evening and overnight, she was sick of the four walls but mostly sick of herself. She knew for a fact that Brennan blamed himself for what happened yesterday, and none of it was his fault. Now she just needed to find the guts to apologize.
With one last breath for courage, she opened the door. The apartment was quiet, but he was still here. Not only would he never leave her alone without telling her, she could feel his presence. Brennan had such a strong personality that even when he wasn’t in view, his overall aura could still be felt.
As she made her way downstairs and into the kitchen for coffee, she rehearsed again what she would say to him. He probably thought she was a neurotic basket case. Last night she had been. Today she was something else.
“Good morning.”
She jerked around, sloshing coffee onto the counter.
“Careful.”
She’d barely registered that the hot liquid had landed on her hand and burned her skin before Brennan was holding her hand under cold water at the sink.
“Does it hurt?”
“No…it’s fine.”
“Sorry I startled you.” He took a deep breath. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Kacie. You know that. Right?”
Gently pulling her hand from his grasp, she turned off the water and then dried her hand on the dishtowel beside the sink. Handing him the towel, she said softly, “You haven’t hurt me, Brennan. I’m so ashamed for the way I acted last night. I—”
He held up his hand to halt her apology. “Please do not apologize to me. I should never have pushed you like that.”
“You didn’t push me. I wanted you so much.” She closed her eyes for a brief moment. “I just…I don’t know. I just panicked.”
“Which is understandable. With everything that’s going on, the last thing you need is some random guy trying to get you into bed.”
Her mouth lifted in a sideways smile. “You’re as far from ‘some random guy’ as the earth is from the sun. And you did nothing I wasn’t one hundred and fifty percent onboard with. Got that?”
He gave her a smile, but his eyes still held shadows. “Got it.”
She cleared her throat. “So…in light of all that’s going on, I thought it might be a good idea to talk to my therapist before we leave. I called her last night, and she’s kindly agreed to come by this morning.”
“I’ll stay out of your way. I just—”
“What?”
“I need you to tell me the truth about something.”
Her heart took a giant leap into her throat. Did he suspect what her real issue was? She froze, waiting for her bitter humiliation to be complete. Or was it something less excruciating but still painful? He had to have seen her back—and the tattoo. Was he going to ask why the hell she hadn’t had it removed?
“Would you rather I leave and let someone else take my place? I’m not saying I want to leave, but if it would make you more comfortable, I will.”
The question took her completely off guard and pushed her own messed-up issues aside. “Absolutely not.”
She had the sudden need to touch him, have a physical connection to him, to make her point. Placing one hand on his arm, she cupped his strong jaw in her other hand and looked directly into his eyes so he could see her sincerity. “I do not want you to leave, Brennan. Please.”
He nodded, and even though he was as hard to read as a philosophy book printed in ancient Greek, she was sure she saw a flicker of relief in his eyes.
Feeling slightly better, Kacie pulled away and said, “Dr. Crenshaw will be here in about ten minutes.”
“I’ll make myself scarce and finish packing.”
“The Talbot Company, the group that owns the resort where we’re going, is sending a car to take us to the airport. Should be here at one o’clock. We’ll be traveling in a private plane, which will be nice, but David Stallings and his girlfriend will be on the flight, too.”
“You don’t like them?”
As she envisioned Brennan’s reaction to David and his current girl of the week, she perked up. It would make for a couple of entertaining hours if nothing else. “You’ll see.”
Kacie opened the door and gave a warm greeting to Dr. Crenshaw. She’d been seeing the therapist for several years now, and thanks to her, Kacie was tremendously better. Not completely well, though, or last night would have had a very different ending.
After quickly introducing Brennan as her friend, Kacie led her therapist into her office. Though she hadn’t told Brennan her plans, she was going to explain to Dr. Crenshaw all the things that had been going on. Perhaps those things had helped trigger what had happened last night. In her heart of hearts, she knew that to be a lie, but the thought was a brief, if false, comfort.
“You’re looking lovely as ever, Kacie, but you have shadows beneath your eyes that you didn’t have last ti
me we met.”
Perceptive as always, the well-put-together Dr. Crenshaw could detect trouble on a patient’s face as easily as Kacie could spot a shoe sale. It was a gift.
Even though Riley and Justin had talked with Dr. Crenshaw already, Kacie knew they hadn’t gone into detail with the doctor about what was going on with her. “Some really weird things have been happening.”
“Like what?”
Kacie started from the beginning, describing everything: the attack at the park, the threatening messages, the phone call with Harrington’s voice, the Twitter and text messages, the break-in at her apartment, the photograph she’d found, as well as the pictures they’d found yesterday in Stewart’s drawer.
“Well, my goodness, no wonder you have shadows. Just one of those things would cause endless hours of worry for someone. But with your history, I’m surprised you look as calm as you do.”
“Brennan has helped.”
“Tell me about him. Last time we talked, you weren’t seeing anyone. And now, if I’m not mistaken, he’s staying here?”
“Yes…” Kacie shrugged. She didn’t mind spilling her own guts, but revealing Brennan’s real role felt instinctively wrong. For many reasons, LCR preferred complete anonymity. Not telling the doctor he was an LCR operative would make no difference in the issues she intended to discuss.
“We started seeing each other recently, but with all these crazy things happening, I just feel safer if he’s here.”
“Totally understandable. And your relationship with him? When you called last night, you said you’d had a flashback. Did it have to do with being intimate with Brennan?”
“Yes…and no.”
“How so?”
This was probably one of the hardest moments she’d ever had in therapy, and it was her own damned fault. If she’d just come out and told the doctor years ago, they might’ve gotten her past this issue, and last night could have been wonderful instead of just the opposite.
“Take your time, Kacie. I know this is hard, but remember, there’s absolutely no judgment when we’re together.”
She nodded, closed her eyes, and began. “When I told you I remembered almost nothing of my…time with Harrington, it was true. What I didn’t tell you was I do remember one specific thing, something I barely let myself acknowledge.”
A shudder of a breath, and then she said the unthinkable: “Pleasure.”
“You mean you had an orgasm while you were being raped?”
Kacie opened her eyes, expecting to see censure or, at the very least, surprise at her confession. All she saw was compassion and understanding.
She stumbled through the explanation. “He gave me something each time he…” She tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry to do so. “He wanted me compliant…unable to fight. But whatever he gave me loosened my inhibitions. It didn’t matter that he was a perverted freak of a man…didn’t matter that I didn’t want it to happen. I felt pleasure…I climaxed repeatedly.”
“That’s not all that unusual. Surely you know that. In addition, you were drugged and had no control over your body.”
“I feel like I betrayed myself…my body, my emotions…my intellect. I should’ve fought him…done something to make him stop.”
“The mind is a powerful thing, Kacie, but even so, when under the influence of certain drugs, you have no control over your mind or your body. Harrington gave you drugs to inhibit your free will, take away your choice. Rape is not just an assault on the body…it’s an assault on the mind.”
“But I shouldn’t have enjoyed it.”
“When your mind is blurred, your thoughts of right and wrong, good and bad, are compromised. Your body, not in tune with your mind, felt pleasure and responded accordingly. On top of that, he may have given you an aphrodisiac as well.”
“Those things really exist?”
“Yes…legal and illegal ones. What I’m trying to say, Kacie, and which I believe you know in your heart, you were not responsible for anything that happened with that man. Not for the abduction, for the rapes and also not for any perceived pleasure your rapist instigated against your will.”
“I do know that, but—”
“But…Brennan?”
“Yes. We tried to—I mean I tried—” She shook her head. “It was a disaster.”
Showing just how perceptive she really was, Dr. Crenshaw cocked her head. “All of it was a disaster, or just one part?”
“The kissing part was wonderful. Having him hold me…being close to him, even without clothes on was—”
She blushed a deep red as she realized she was becoming heated just thinking about Brennan’s body and how good he’d felt.
“Anyway…all of that felt really good. But then—”
“He moved on top of you…slid his penis inside you…said something?”
“No…that wasn’t it.”
Comprehension came and was followed instantly by gentle compassion and understanding. “He gave you pleasure.”
“Yes. I was on the verge of a powerful orgasm, and then it hit me that I’d felt that way with Harrington. I thought I was going to be sick. I felt so much shame.”
“So everything worked fine up until that pivotal moment?”
“Yes, it was…sublime.” She laughed softly. “I was even a little assertive, which I didn’t expect from myself, especially in bed. But Brennan…I don’t know. He made me feel comfortable…safe, as if there wasn’t anything I could do that was wrong or out of place.”
“Kacie, I don’t think you’re looking at this in the proper perspective. You have come so far in your recovery, and I’m extraordinarily proud of you.”
Kacie blinked her surprise. She had assumed Dr. Crenshaw would see this as, at the very least, a setback, if not a total relapse.
“But why? I failed…miserably.”
“No, my dear, you did not fail. You admitted that being intimate with a man felt good and right. That’s a huge achievement. You need to celebrate that.”
“But I didn’t get to that pinnacle. And I most certainly didn’t get Brennan to it.” She winced inwardly and then blushed as she remembered how hard and erect he’d been. The least she could’ve done was give him pleasure even if she couldn’t take her own.
“Do you know how long an orgasm lasts?”
“Um…no.” That was one area of research she’d never considered conducting.
“On average, about eighteen to twenty seconds.”
“That’s really…”
“Short. But the journey to get there is…” She cocked her head again. “To use your word…sublime.”
“So you think…?”
“I think you need to enjoy that journey, and you’ll get to the destination. But let me ask you something we’ve not talked about. How did Brennan react to your response?”
“He blamed himself, which made me feel terrible. None of it was his fault. I told him that, but—”
“So you explained why you stopped him?”
“Well…no. I just told him it wasn’t his fault.”
“Do you hope to continue seeing him? You certainly seem to care for him.”
After this was over, would he be interested in continuing to see her? As an LCR operative, he might be out of the country for months at a time, but when he was available, would he want to be with her?
Kacie didn’t know the answer to that but could say with one hundred percent certainty, “Yes, I definitely want to continue seeing him.”
“Then don’t you think you need to share this with him? He deserves to know, don’t you agree?”
Of course he did, and if she hadn’t been such a sniveling coward last night, she would have—
“No…none of that, Kacie. I see the guilt on your face, and you need to get over that right now. You had just cause to react the way you did, and your embarrassment in explaining it to Brennan is understandable. However, don’t you think he deserves to know?”
“Yes…of course, you’re right.”
Dr. Crenshaw glanced at the clock and stood. “I know you’re getting ready to leave for your trip, so I’ll take my leave. But first I wanted to tell you how very happy I am at your progress and that you have a young man who seems to care for you. You deserve only the best.”
“I so appreciate your help. And thanks for coming to my apartment, and on such short notice.”
“That’s not a problem. One other thing, I encourage you to open up a strong line of communication with Brennan. If he’s as wonderful as you believe, then this will only make your relationship stronger.”
Kacie nodded, and after thanking the doctor once again, she said good-bye.
Now, she just needed to figure out how to get up the courage to take the good doctor’s advice.
Chapter Twenty-five
Brennan had never experienced a giggling headache before, vicarious or otherwise. Hadn’t known such a thing even existed until he met David Stallings and his incredibly well-endowed girlfriend, Britney. And he certainly had never known that a grown man could even giggle.
Now he knew why Kacie had given him that little secret smile earlier. She knew exactly what they were in for.
She looked better than she had when she’d come out of her bedroom this morning. There was still that tiny line of worry at the bridge of her nose, but she seemed to be more at peace. He hoped like hell he wasn’t just seeing what he wanted to see to make himself feel better.
The flight had taken off on time. They’d been greeted by the pilot, co-pilot, and a flight attendant, and within minutes were off the ground. The instant the captain alerted them that they were free to move around the cabin, the two giggle boxes had unbuckled their seat belts, accepted cocktails from the flight attendant and, in between giggles and occasional guffaws, proceeded to make out on the sofa across the aisle.
“Having a good time?”
Brennan twisted in his chair to look at Kacie, appreciating the view much more than any sight out the window. She looked fresh and lovely in a light blue sleeveless dress and matching sandals that showed off her slender, elegant feet with light pink polish on her toenails.
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