by Ami Weaver
He scrubbed his hand over his face. Maybe if he just played along she’d leave him alone. “Okay, Mom. I’ll bite. What am I avoiding?”
“Lucy.” Her words were firm. “Don’t,” she added sharply when he leaned forward to stand up. “You’ve avoided this for far too long and look what’s happened. You’ve let the best thing that’s happened to you slip away.”
Stunned, Josh could only stare at her. “Excuse me? Maggie lied to me.”
His mother shook her head. “You’re letting Lucy run your life. You are trying so hard to be everything to Cody, to make up for her being gone. It was not your fault she died, Josh. You did not take her from Cody.”
The familiar guilt flared. She was wrong. Everything he’d done for the past four years had been built on that. If he tried hard enough to give up everything she could no longer have, then maybe he’d make up for not loving her.
“It takes two,” Ellen said quietly. “There were two of you in your marriage. I’ve said it before. You weren’t right for each other, anyone could see that. How many more times do you need to hear it before you believe it? Lucy was a lovely young lady and a wonderful mom to Cody. You both tried to do right by him. But she wasn’t right for you.”
“I was a terrible husband,” he said with a raw laugh, ignoring the ring of truth in her words. “I was never there for her. I couldn’t give her what she needed.”
Ellen slapped her palms on the counter and the coffee cups sloshed. “Was she a terrible wife? Did she give you what you needed? Was she there for you?” When he realized he couldn’t answer, she went on, her gaze lasered in on his. “Why do you insist on hanging on to this?”
Because I can’t fail someone again. But he had, hadn’t he? He’d failed Cody. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. She nodded. “If you were truly torn up by grief I could see it,” she said softly. “If she’d been your soul mate. But this is guilt. Far more than you need. You did not put her in that car. You did not make her drive it. You did not cause her to crash. She hit the patch of black ice. It was an accident—an awful, tragic accident.”
He felt everything collapsing around him and gripped the mug of rapidly cooling coffee. “Mom. We fought, said awful things. She was so angry….” He trailed off, remembering the hatred on Lucy’s beautiful face. His last memory of his wife was grounded in anger and that wasn’t fair. He remembered the accusations from his in-laws and shook his head.
But Ellen beat him to it. “No. You did not cause it. Horrible things are said in anger, honey. No matter what Hugh and Jeanine said, you did not cause Lucy’s death. They know you didn’t. The sooner you forgive yourself for being angry, for not being the husband you wanted to be, the sooner you can let her go and move on.”
Forgive himself. Was it truly possible? Josh looked at her. “I don’t know, Mom.” To let it all go—
“You can still honor her memory,” she said patiently. “It’s not about forgetting her or even whitewashing the memories. But hiding behind all the bad stuff is not the way to do it.”
Something clicked in Josh then. Of course she was right. And despite his best intentions, he had in no way honored Lucy or helped Cody. Instead, he’d let his guilt complex color everything. “Oh, God.”
Ellen sat back, her gaze steady and understanding. “Don’t start over with the recriminations, honey. Forgive yourself—forgive Lucy. And forgive Maggie, too.”
Josh’s gaze snapped to Ellen’s. “That’s a lot of forgiveness.”
She gave him a small smile. “You’re up to the task. You love Maggie. She loves you and Cody. Work through this with her.”
Work through it. He contemplated the cooling mug of coffee in front of him. She’d lied.
But she thought she was protecting you. He knew in his heart she’d believed what she’d done was for the best. While he didn’t agree with her method, he understood what she’d been trying to do. How hard it must have been to learn about Lucy—and realize she’d never had a chance to meet her sister. He also wasn’t sure how he’d have reacted if she’d come to him as Cody’s aunt, asking to meet her nephew.
He also knew his mother was right. He’d hid behind Lucy’s death so he could protect Cody…and himself. What if he failed again? What if he did give Maggie another chance and they couldn’t make it work?
Cody would get hurt. He’d protect his son from everything bad if he could.
But that wasn’t how life worked.
Cutting Lucy out of their lives and losing Maggie were two of the worst things he could do—for both him and Cody.
He had to go to Maggie. He pushed back his chair and his gaze slid to Cody, still playing with his new truck in front of the Christmas tree. “Mom—”
She cut him off. “Go.” She gave him a watery smile. “Whatever happens with Maggie, I’m proud of you for finally seeing the truth. Cody and I will hang out for a little bit. We’ll eat cookies and play with trucks.”
He dropped a kiss on her head, getting a whiff of the sweet scent he’d associated with his mom his whole life. He threw on his coat and jogged to his SUV, barely noticing the bite in the winter air. He fervently hoped he wasn’t too late—he hadn’t screwed things up so badly he couldn’t fix it.
It was time for Cody’s miracle.
* * *
Maggie settled in her sanctuary upstairs. She figured she had some time before Josh and Cody came home. She plugged in her tree, since it was the thing to do on Christmas Eve. There was no joy in the evening for her, though. Not anymore.
Santa wouldn’t be coming through for Cody. The knowledge absolutely killed her. He’d wanted this badly enough he’d run away, trying to find Santa to tell him the situation was critical.
Worse, she’d be leaving soon after Christmas. Not the ending she wanted, but it really couldn’t have gone any other way. Not once her secret was out.
She’d started packing. She’d carefully stashed everything in her closet, because she didn’t want Cody to see and get even more upset.
But there was no alternative. She couldn’t stay here. She’d look for an apartment after Christmas. Close enough she could help out until he hired a new nanny, but far enough away she could breathe. Maybe even start to heal.
The whole idea left her feeling hollow and exhausted. She’d lost both Josh and Cody, the two people she loved more than anything. How, exactly, did she heal from that? If she was lucky, Josh would allow her to stay in Cody’s life.
When the door banged downstairs far earlier than she expected, she jumped up and hurried out in the hall to see Josh plowing up the stairs, still in his boots and wool dress coat. Her heart leaped into her throat. She raced toward him, panic closing like a vise around her throat.
“Josh! What’s wrong?” Please don’t let Cody be gone again.
Josh stopped on the top step so she was nearly eye level with him. She could smell the damp wool of his snowy coat, the aftershave he used, the scent that was so uniquely Josh it nearly took her to her knees right there.
Their gazes locked. In his she saw fear and sorrow and longing—and something more. She put her hand to her throat. “Josh?” His name was barely more than a croak.
His hand curled around the banister. “Cody is fine.”
Relief hit her, and she sagged a bit. She couldn’t take it if something bad happened to him again. “Thank God.”
“It’s me.”
She held herself very still. “You.” Her nerves went on alert. “O-kay.”
He took her chin in his hand and her knees trembled. His hand was cold but still felt good—too good—against her skin. She couldn’t take too much of this. “I’m so sorry, Maggie.”
She blinked. “Why?” What on earth did he have to be sorry about?
He pulled his hand away and she felt the loss of contact keenly. “We need to talk.”
“Now?” Her heart kicked up. “Where’s Cody?”
“Now,” he said softly, and she saw the softness in his eyes. “Cody is with my mot
her. I need to talk to you alone.”
“Ah.” She turned and walked into her room, amazed she could even stand, and he followed, shrugging out of his coat as he went. “Well. What did you want to talk about?” Her voice was almost calm, which was amazing considering the crazy rioting butterflies in her belly.
She wrapped her arms around herself and perched on the edge of a chair, afraid to breathe, afraid she couldn’t handle what he wanted to say. Could her heart break any more?
She didn’t want to find out.
He stood very still, his gaze on the Christmas tree that provided the only light in the room besides the fire. Finally, he took a long inhale and turned in her direction. “I’ve been using Lucy as a shield.” His voice was raw. “I’ve been hiding behind my dead wife. Your sister,” he added softly. She sucked in a breath. “And so have you.”
Maggie drew back and shook her head slightly. “No.” Of course she hadn’t.
He moved closer and took her hands in his. Her hands shook slightly. She met his gaze, uncertain of what she’d see there. “You came here and didn’t tell me who you were out of fear we’d reject you. I’ve done it to keep from making another mistake.” He shut his eyes for a second, then opened them. “We made a mistake, Lucy and I. But it was on both of us. I’ve tried to be both parents, to protect Cody. As if somehow I could make it up to him, you know?” At her teary nod, he went on, his voice low. “I didn’t make her get in that car. She left on her own. I’ll never stop feeling awful,” he added, “but it was an accident. I’ve hauled around a lot of guilt. While I’m not going to say some of it wasn’t deserved, I didn’t handle it like I should have. That was made crystal clear when Cody ran away the other day. I can’t—I can’t stop bad things from happening.”
“Oh, Josh.” More than anything, she wanted to reach out and pull him to her. Instead, she tightened her grip on his cold hands. He squeezed back and let go.
He stood up. “Let me finish. I can’t stop bad things from happening but I also can’t stop living. That’s pretty much what I was doing, as my mother pointed out to me multiple times over the past few years. I thought I was honoring Lucy by not having a life outside Cody. If she couldn’t, I wouldn’t. But really, it wasn’t about her. It was about me.” He came over and kneeled in front of her and laid one hand on each of her knees. His face was inches from hers and, unable to stop herself, she laid one hand on his cheek. He caught it in his and looked at her earnestly. “But then you came in our lives and in spite of everything, we both went and fell in love with you.”
It took her a moment. Then a lightness bubbled up from deep inside. “What are you saying, Josh?” She was almost afraid to ask, for fear she’d heard wrong.
“I love you, Maggie.” He gripped her hands tightly, and in his whiskey gaze she saw everything she’d been afraid to hope for. “I need you in my life. We need you,” he amended with a rueful laugh. “My boy is clearly smarter than his old man. He had it figured out long before I did.”
She laughed through her tears—these were of joy, not pain, finally—and leaned forward into his arms. “I love you, too,” she said, tipping her face to his. “And Cody, too. Maybe he gets his smarts from his mother’s side of the family?”
Josh chuckled, and his warm breath feathered across her lips. “I bet that’s it,” he murmured before he claimed her mouth with a gentle kiss. A delicious heat curled around them, and the rightness of it all began to fill the hole created when she’d thought she’d lost him forever.
He pulled away and rested his forehead on hers. “No more secrets?”
“None,” she agreed, joy flooding her. “But—when do we tell Cody who I am?”
“How about tonight?” Josh suggested. “Actually…after this.” He leaned in and kissed her thoroughly till her head spun. Then he gave her a wicked grin. “That’s just the beginning.”
She smiled back. “I certainly hope so.”
“Let’s go tell Cody.” He took her hand and together they hurried out to his SUV. The trip to his mother’s took a bit longer than normal, since he kept pulling over to kiss her, but Maggie wasn’t complaining.
Ellen met them at the door. “Did you—” She stopped as Maggie stepped from behind Josh. She laid her hands on her heart and Maggie saw the hope in her eyes. “Oh. Does this mean—?”
Josh wrapped his arm around Maggie, and she snuggled into his side. “Yes. It means I came to my senses.” He dropped a kiss on Maggie’s head, and she smiled up at him, then at Ellen.
“Merry Christmas, you two,” Ellen said and pulled Maggie in for a hug. “Welcome to the family.”
The words sent a little shiver down Maggie’s spine. She hugged Ellen back. “Thank you. I’m so happy it worked out.”
Ellen patted her shoulder. “‘Tis the season, my dear. Now. You’d better tell Cody.”
“Good idea. Cody?” Josh called.
The little boy popped out of the living room, his gaze darting from his dad to Maggie to their joined hands. His eyes widened. “Daddy! Will Maggie be my mom?”
Josh half turned to her. “I hope so,” he said and the intensity of his gaze warmed her heart. He turned back to his son. “Cody—Maggie’s already your aunt. She and your mom were sisters who didn’t know each other.”
Maggie held her breath but Cody just nodded. “You can be my mom, too?”
Her heart overflowed at the hope and joy on his face. “Yes. I can. I’d love to.” He had no idea how much this meant, how very much she loved him and his father.
“Whoa, Cody, this is my part here.” Josh laughed and gave his son a quick one-armed hug. Cody beamed up at both of them. Josh turned his attention back to Maggie, and her breath simply stopped at the look in his eyes. “Maggie. I love you—”
“We love you,” Cody interrupted. “Don’t forget that, Daddy!”
“We love you,” Josh amended with a grin, then dropped to one knee right there in his mother’s foyer. Maggie’s heart swelled so much she thought she might float away. Josh’s face was serious as he took her hand in his. “Shoot. I don’t have a ring yet. But Maggie Thelan, will you marry me?”
“Us,” Cody corrected, and Maggie laughed even as the tears—of joy, this time—began to fall.
“Yes,” she said, looking deep into Josh’s whiskey-brown eyes. “Yes, I’ll marry you. Both of you,” she added as Josh started to rise and pull her into his arms. Cody flung himself between them, squeezing their waists as tight as he could.
“Santa did it!” he crowed. “I knew he would!”
With a laugh, she met Josh’s gaze over Cody’s head, saw the love in his gaze and knew she’d truly come home.
Epilogue
Cody met Maggie at the door after her doctor’s appointment. “Mom! Lucy’s crying again!”
Maggie paused for just a moment to hug her adopted son and kiss the top of his head. “Thanks, honey. I’ll get her. She’s probably hungry.”
She continued up the stairs only to run into her husband holding their baby daughter. The six-week-old fussed and whimpered, and Josh smiled at her. “Someone wants her mama,” he said as he handed the baby off, managing to brush her breast in the process. He wiggled his eyebrows. “Oops.”
Maggie leaned in and stole a kiss from her sexy husband. “According to the doctor, I’m all clear for all normal activities,” she said, and when his gaze brightened, she laughed. “After I’ve nursed this little sweetie. Oh, and Cody goes to bed. And they actually are asleep at the same time.” She wouldn’t trade a minute of the upheaval the addition of the baby had created in their lives. She’d found out she was pregnant almost immediately after their January wedding. Now, in October, she found it hard to believe one year ago she’d taken the job as Cody’s nanny, just hoping for the chance to know him. Now, she was his mom—and both she and Josh kept Lucy’s memory alive in their lives.
Josh followed her into baby Lucy’s room—Josh’s old bedroom—where she settled in the glider rocker and put the baby to her breas
t. His smile was slightly naughty. “We’ll make it work.”
She met his gaze over Lucy’s downy head, saw the heat and the love and once again felt a little shiver that he was hers. “I know.”
“I do have a surprise.” He leaned on the doorjamb.
“Really? What’s that?”
“Gramma Jeanine and Grandpa Hugh want to take Cody to dinner.” He looked hopefully at her. “Maybe Lucy will take a little nap?”
Maggie laughed and gestured him toward her. When Josh bent down and braced his hand on the arm of the glider she gave him a kiss. “That can be arranged.” She hoped.
He dropped a kiss on their baby’s head. “Awesome. Did you hear that, sweet pea? We’re going to make you a little sister or brother.”
“Ha! I’m not quite ready for that yet,” Maggie said with a laugh as he left, whistling. She rested her hand on Lucy’s soft little head. “But soon,” she promised. “Very soon.”
After all, with Josh and their love, anything was possible.
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt from THE BABY MADE AT CHRISTMAS by Lilian Darcy.
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Chapter One
Upstate New York, March
“I am so angry with you, Lee.” Mac stood there at the bottom of the porch steps, against a backdrop of blooming crocuses in bright yellow and purple, while the still-bare trees gleamed with a coating of ice against a perfect late-March blue sky.