“Do you think that?” he asked, raising his eyes to meet mine. The intensity and depth of emotion within them startled me.
“Do I think what?” I repeated, dazed.
He brought his hands up to his head to tug at his hair again, shaking his head at me. “Do you think that I’m ashamed of you?” he asked softly, almost pained.
My breath got caught in my throat and my heart squeezed painfully, but I forced a smile. “No. I know that’s not it,” I answered honestly after some thought. “I know that you aren’t ashamed of me…you’re just…you don’t do the whole dance thing…or the commitment thing.”
Grayson winced before his eyes hardened with determination. “I told you I would only disappoint you.”
I shook my head angrily. “This isn’t about disappointing me, Grayson. This is about…” I was unable to finish my sentence. I didn’t know how to put it into words. I took a deep breath. “I feel like you only want me to want me for my body.” I flushed, dropping my eyes in embarrassment to stare at the stained tiles beneath my feet.
“That’s not true,” he said softly, his hand reaching out to brush against mine. I looked up and met his searching eyes. In moments like this, I truly felt that I could see Grayson. Every bit of him. He was the dangerous trouble maker, the reckless seventeen-year-old, the boy who hid behind walls built thicker than Alcatraz. He wasn’t running; he was standing in front of me…trying. I took a deep breath, a sad but genuine smile coming to my lips.
“You don’t need to come to the semi-formal. I just thought…it would be nice to go together. But it’s okay. I know it’s not your scene. I would have gone with Aubrey, Lindsay and Alicia anyway…it’s okay,” I told him, meaning it.
His hand rose from gently touching my fingers to brushing across my chin. The pad of his thumb traced my lips slowly, and he stared, as if transfixed by them. “I’ll go. With you,” he said before his lips softly pressed against mine, claiming me and sealing the deal.
“Really?” I asked, smiling against his lips.
“Really.” He grinned, his hands framing my face tenderly.
Chapter Twelve
ON THE THURSDAY that Alicia returned to school, the friendship between Lindsay, Alicia, Aubrey and me changed dramatically.
I realized something was off when Alicia wasn’t waiting with Lindsay and Aubrey by our usual morning meet up place, even though she was supposed to be in school. I caught a fleeting sight of her as she rushed off to her first period class, intent on avoiding us.
Lindsay was not impressed with Alicia. She moved her hair behind her shoulders, glowering off in the direction that Alicia had disappeared. “I don’t know what her damn problem is. She didn’t even wait to give me a lift to school! I had to beg Kyle because I’d already missed the bus.”
“Did you try talking to her?” I asked. I was referring to the conversation we had had by our lockers and she knew it.
Her face darkened slightly before looking away. “I tried.”
“Maybe she just needs some space,” Aubrey offered helpfully. I nodded in agreement, thinking that maybe Alicia still felt that Lindsay betrayed her.
“Whatever. Let’s get to class,” Lindsay said, rolling her eyes as if she was bored of discussing Alicia. Aubrey raised her eyebrow at me, shaking her head in disbelief.
I couldn’t focus on my first period class between my worries about Alicia and Grayson. I had a heavy, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach.
After Grayson tugged me back inside and purchased the tickets, he handed me mine and told me to hang on to it. “I’ll pick you up at eight,” he whispered against my earlobe before he took off again. I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, or the next two days after. Grayson did what he always does: he let himself get closer and then took a massive jump back. I couldn’t help but wonder if he regretted telling me that he would take me to the semi-formal but that was such a stupid thing to worry about.
By lunch time, I had a headache from all the worrying. I tried to pay attention to the conversations happening around our usual table, but I couldn’t really focus. The voices buzzed all around me, but my attention was captivated mainly by the cafeteria doors. I kept looking up from my French fries, half-expecting to see Alicia or Grayson walk in. Neither had, and lunch was almost halfway through.
Kyle tried to steal a fry from me. Sending him a warning look, I slid my fries away from his greedy fingers. “Get your own,” I told him, shuffling closer to Lindsay. He grinned wickedly, plopping the single fry he’d managed to grab into his mouth.
“Hey, Alicia, did you have a nice vacation?” Cam grinned as Alicia walked up to our table. My head snapped up in time to watch her stiffen before she replied. She sat down between Cam and Aubrey, which was directly across from Kyle, Lindsay and I. Marcus was already sitting on Aubrey’s other side.
“Yup,” she finally muttered, her tone void of emotion.
Alicia had bags under her eyes and wasn’t wearing any makeup. She was also not dressed the same. Usually, she wore clothes that could easily be found in Lindsay’s closet, or at the very least, on Lindsay’s pre-approved appropriate school wear list. Today, she was wearing sweat pants and a large pull-over sweater.
Alicia hadn’t even straightened her hair. It hung in loose, curly tendrils around her face. I liked her hair curly—it made her look even more exotic—but Alicia insisted she hated her curls, and spent an hour each morning straightening them. Except today, it would seem.
“Alicia, what are you wearing?” Lindsay asked, gaping at her.
“Clothes,” Alicia replied, her eyes narrowing slightly.
Aubrey kicked Lindsay in the shin under the table, hushing her before she could start in on Alicia’s outfit choice. We all knew how Lindsay felt about sweat pants and pull-over sweaters. She called them a fashion no-no, barely appropriate for the lazy stoners and conceited volleyball players with their obnoxious team brand embroidered across the cheeks.
“Who’s excited for Semi-Formal?” Aubrey asked, trying to steer everyone back to safer territory. Anxiety welled in my stomach at the reminder. My stomach twisted with worry about Grayson. I didn’t have time to reflect on my confusion over his behavior, though.
“Oh yes.” Lindsay wisely latched on to Aubrey’s topic change, her eyes shining with excitement until they reached Alicia’s scowling face. “I hope you’ll dress up a little more than you did today.”
Alicia looked ready to crawl across the table and slap Lindsay. “Shut up,” she said through gritted teeth.
Lindsay’s eyebrows shot up in complete shock. “What did you say?”
“I said shut up. I am so sick of you constantly putting me down!” Alicia repeated, venom in her words.
Everyone at our table fell silent, watching as the tension and animosity rose between the two. Nobody had ever witnessed Alicia standing up to Lindsay.
“I do not put you down,” Lindsay argued. “I give you a reality check when you need it! It’s not my fault you need it all the time!”
“Oh, is that what you want to call it? Well. Here’s a ‘reality check’ for you!” Alicia retorted, her eyes flashing with anger. “You are a bitch who puts down everyone around you to feel better about your pathetic self. You don’t get enough attention from Mommy and Daddy, so you cause drama and you sleep with guys twice your age. But you still can’t stand looking at yourself in the mirror, can you?”
There was an astonished silence at our table, and five sets of eyes darted back and forth from Alicia’s enraged face to Lindsay’s astonished expression. Her mouth was slack and her eyes widened with disbelief.
Lindsay had paled considerably at Alicia’s lash-out, but her brown eyes quickly went from shocked and mortified to angry and calculating.
“Harsh words coming from someone who is supposedly in love with me,” she said, smiling.
Alicia’s expression darkened even more. She stood up slowly, keeping her eyes fixed on Lindsay’s face. “Don’t worry, I’m ove
r it. I’ve realized that you are a shit friend, and a terrible person. You repulse me,” she said before turning around and marching back out of the cafeteria.
We were all immobilized, finally springing back to life after Lindsay got up and stormed away, her hands covering her face to hide her tears of embarrassment.
“I’ll go after Lindsay,” Aubrey said, standing up.
“I’ll go after Alicia.” I sighed, following Aubrey and leaving Cam, Kyle, and Marcus in wordless shock at our table.
I set off to find Alicia. I looked in the downstairs bathrooms. I looked in the library court yard. I looked in the student parking lot and saw Alicia’s car, so I knew she was still somewhere at school. I couldn’t help but glance around for Grayson’s truck. I swallowed the disappointment of not seeing it and continued with my quest to find Alicia.
The one place I hadn’t checked yet was the smokers pit.
I ignored the sense of dread that sank to the bottom of my stomach like a heavy rock at the thought of going to the place where I knew Katrina Underhill would likely be. I cut through the school, not bothering to grab my jacket from my locker. I was running out of time before lunch ended.
It was cold outside. Snow was softly falling, and the well-beaten pathway was sleek with ice. My breath came out in sharp puffs of clouds. By the time I reached the smokers pit, my hands were icy cold. I rubbed them together, searching for Alicia. To my relief, I didn’t see any blue hair or any sign of Katrina at all. In fact, the smokers pit was nearly empty, except for a group of three lingering by the fence.
Alicia stood with Madison and Kennedy, two girls I recognized from several years of attending the same school together. She was puffing on a cigarette, shaking her head at something Madison said. I had never seen Alicia smoke before.
“Alicia?” I timidly called, standing a little ways away from her.
She turned to look at me with wary, tired eyes. She sighed deeply, returning the smoke to the girl beside her. “Yes?”
“I just wanted to see if you were alright…”
A thin smile appeared on Alicia’s face, momentarily transforming her expression. “I’m fine. Never been better,” she answered.
I raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief. My teeth were chattering. “Can we talk? Please?” I asked, looking pointedly at her new friends.
Alicia didn’t say anything; she just wordlessly led me away from the smokers pit. We walked back up toward the school, the icy wisps of wind stopped by the walls of the school, providing me with a little bit of shelter.
“What happened back there?” I asked, rubbing my arms to warm up a little. The thin long sleeved shirt I was wearing did nothing to ward off the cold.
“I’m tired of it, okay? I’m tired of pretending to be somebody that I’m not. I’m tired of the way Lindsay treats me, and I know she told Zoe about…about it.”
“She said she didn’t. How do you know she did?” I asked.
Alicia gave me a withering look. I could see her warring with herself over answering me. “Because,” she finally said, looking away. “I didn’t tell you the whole truth. Let’s just say I know it was her.”
“No. No secrets, Alicia. Not about this. What makes you so sure?”
“We kissed, okay? At Zoe’s party. She begged me to go with her to the bathroom. I went. She kissed me. We made out, then she started to laugh and talk about how drunk she was. She claimed that she doesn’t remember. But low and behold, Zoe ended up finding out.”
“Oh,” was all I could think of to say.
Alicia took a shaky breath. “But I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I don’t deserve this kind of treatment…this constant confusion. I feel like the only way I can come out of it is to cut her out of my life. Rip her off, like a Band-Aid.”
“It makes sense,” I said, my mind skirting back to Grayson. I could relate. “I’m really sorry she hurt you, Alicia. Just know that Aubrey and I are still here for you, okay?”
“Thanks, and I know. You guys are the best.” Alicia wiped a single tear from her eye. “You should go in. You’re shivering.”
“Yeah,” I said, distractedly looking back towards the smokers pit. I shook my head, clearing it as I leaned in to give Alicia a quick hug. “I’ll see you around. Maybe we’ll go out for pizza this weekend? Just me, you and Aubrey.”
“Yeah, sure.” Alicia nodded as she released me. “That actually sounds really good.”
I tossed a final look back to the smokers pit as I walked back up to the school. Chewing on my lip, I pulled out my phone from my back pocket. I had zero missed messages.
I hadn’t reached out to Grayson at all, because I was a little bit aggravated with the fact that I always had to speak to him first. Frustrated, I slid the phone back into my pocket and pushed open the doors to the school.
Chapter Thirteen
WHEN I GOT HOME, my mom’s car was in the driveway. I walked inside, finding her in the living room, folding a basket of laundry while watching TV.
“Hey, honey. How was school?” she asked, looking up from her show to smile at me.
I thought about my day, inwardly wincing. “It was fine,” I lied, about to turn around to go up to my bedroom.
I had the night off because it was our first performance at the pub. We were supposed to go on at 9 p.m.
“I wanted to talk to you about that boy…Grayson. Are things serious between you two?” Mom’s voice prompted me, delaying my escape.
I frowned, thinking about it. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I bit my lip, preventing further truths from coming out of my mouth.
Mom set down the shirt she was folding and studied me with her keen eyes. “What do you mean?”
I shifted, uncomfortable. I dropped my gaze to the floor. “I don’t know how he feels. I really like him, and I think he really likes me…” I trailed off, thinking about Grayson’s confusing back-and-forth behavior, wondering what it could mean.
It seemed like every time we moved forward and did something that a regular couple would do, Grayson jumped back. I felt like I was perpetually two or three steps ahead of him.
The words Alicia had spoken so long ago rattled around in my brain. “I just worry that you feel more intensely for him than he does for you.”
“But…” Mom softly pressed, waiting for me to continue.
“I don’t know!” I blushed. “I’ll give you a status update when I have one,” I added, turning around to leave.
“For what it’s worth, I think he really likes you,” Mom said. “Dad said he seemed smitten with you when he picked you up that day…”
I froze, digesting her words. It weirded me out that my mother wanted to talk about my complicated, undefined love life. “I’ve got to go get ready,” I muttered. “I’ve got that show tonight.”
“Oh, that’s right! Break a leg, hun. There’s leftovers in the refrigerator; you should eat before you go.” I didn’t need to turn around to know that Mom was smiling. I could hear it in her voice.
I raced up the stairs, Stella trailing along behind me. She went to one of her favorite spots by my computer desk and laid down with a giant sigh.
Sitting down on my bed, my eyes instantly found the purple bear that rested on my pillow. I picked it up, staring into the beady eyes.
My heart was aching. It had been nearly two days since I last heard from or saw Grayson. After we’d gone back inside to buy our semi-formal tickets, he left. He told me that he would call me later…only he didn’t. It was hard not to feel insecure when his disappearances kept lining up every time we got closer to one another.
It was like Grayson needed a huge break after each intimate connection. How could I not take that personally? Especially when I was so confused over the reason why.
Grayson knew about the show. After all, he had been there the night we won the contest. I’d mentioned it several times over the last few weeks.
I picked up my phone, debating on whether I should text him to remind h
im about the show. I decided against it. After all, I had given more than enough hints. Plus, I didn’t want to have to be the person who constantly reached out. I didn’t want to harass him to get him to talk to me; I wanted him to just…talk to me. I wanted him to stop pushing me away, but I wanted him to do it on his own—without me begging him.
Seconds after I dropped my phone onto my mattress, it vibrated with a new incoming text message. I snatched it up quickly, my heart pounding with anticipation. I couldn’t help but hope with everything that it was Grayson, finally breaking his own self-imposed silence.
It was Aubrey though, asking if she could come over.
I texted her back, saying she could. I hit send and swallowed back the heavy lump of disappointment.
I hated the way his absence made me feel…like I had done something wrong. I spent far too much of my time worrying about him and what he was or wasn’t doing than I did actually enjoying my life. But when he was around—when we were together—things between us were intense. Nothing could satisfy me the way that Grayson’s mere presence did.
In the ten minutes that it took Aubrey to walk over from her house, I had changed and brushed my hair. I was freshening up my makeup when the doorbell rang.
Stella didn’t even stir from her position on the floor. I could hear her gentle snores as I put the finishing touches on my lashes.
Aubrey knocked quickly on the door, but pushed it open before I could answer.
“Your first show! Well, official show.” Aubrey grinned, flopping down onto my bed. “I can’t believe I know a famous person. Are you excited?”
“I’m not famous,” I retorted, frowning as I sat down in my computer chair. “Besides, it’s not really my first show. There was the Battle of the Bands,” I reminded her, swinging over to check MSN. Grayson’s icon was offline. “And no…I’m really not excited.”
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