“Um, I don’t think so,” Paulie said. “But I wouldn’t want to chance it if I were you.”
“My goodness me,” the gnome said. “Strong bones. He would be great for the war effort.”
“The war effort?” Paulie asked.
“Oh, yes.” The gnome then shrieked, “Wait a moment! How did you get through the portal?”
“I got a ticket from Yergarn—”
“But the portal was supposed to have been taken offline! I did it myself.”
The gnome ran from one panel to another, jabbering to himself the entire time. Lights blinked, fans whirred, and little feet pattered as quickly as buttons were pressed. He jumped to a final panel, shielded his eyes and looked into a glass container of some sort.
“There we go,” he said. “I can’t believe I forgot to close down the Roopmerdle. Rookie mistake, that!”
“I would imagine,” Paulie said with a smile. “So I need to get to Fez. Can you help me with that?”
“Oh right,” the gnome said, “we’ve got to get you out of here. Back to Yergarn Station with you right away or you’ll ruin everything.”
“No, I’ve got to get to Fez.”
“You get there through Yergarn Station.”
“The Fez portal is down.”
“That happens a lot,” the gnome said. “Nothing I can do, though. We’re at war here. You have to leave.”
Paulie just stood there as the little gnome pressed the portal button over and over again. Finally, he stopped and squinted at it.
“Excuse me,” Paulie said with a mock grin, “but didn’t you just shut everything down?”
“Oh no! You’re right! It’ll take at least four hours for it to power up now.”
“Four hours? That seems a bit lengthy.”
“It used to be eight,” The gnome replied in a huff.
“That’s great. So how can I get to Fez?”
“This is bad bad bad. Manager Garbingle is going to be furious with me,” the gnome said, pacing.
“Yes, bad. So, Fez?”
An alarm sounded that caused all three of them to jump.
“Uh oh,” the gnome said.
“What?” Paulie asked.
The gnome ignored him and ran to one of the panels. He kept saying “not good” over and over again.
“What’s not good?”
“We’re being attacked,” the gnome said and then turned toward Paulie. “Quick, you have to hide!”
Paulie yanked on Mr. Biscuit’s leash and chased after the gnome. For a creature with such tiny legs, he sure was quick.
They headed into a room off the main portal section. It was dimly lit and dully painted, but there was a nice seating area and a couple of vending machines.
There was a loud clank as the gnome bolted the door.
“Who are we hiding from?” Paulie asked.
“The woodland gnomes,” the gnome replied, his back pressed against the door. “They’re here to capture the portal.”
* * * * *
“Anyone in that room?” Paulie heard a voice yell out.
“No,” said the portal gnome, to which Paulie just shook his head.
“Okay,” replied the voice, and then a moment later said, “Hey, wait, if no one is in there how are you answering?”
The portal gnome snapped his fingers while saying something mildly derogatory.
“You’d better come out of there right now!”
“Okay, okay,” the portal gnome said. “You got me. I’m coming out.”
As he unbolted the door, he looked back at Paulie and lifted a finger to his lips, making a “shhhhh” gesture. Then he slipped through the slightly opened door and closed it behind him.
Paulie moved to place his ear against the door. The voices were slightly muffled, but he could hear them well enough.
“I’m the foreman of this outfit. Why did you say you weren’t in there?”
“I didn’t want to get caught.”
“Ah, yes, well that makes sense. But to resort to lying is an act only a dark gnome would be a part of.”
There was no response.
“We’ll deal with that later,” the foreman said. “Is there anyone else in that room?”
“There are no gnomes in that room,” came the response.
“You’re sure about that?”
“I swear to The Twelve that there are no gnomes in that room.”
“You’re being oddly specific,” the foreman noted. “Are there any non-gnomes in that room?”
“I…uh…well…yes, yes, okay!” the portal gnome blurted out. “There’s a vampire and a horsey in there!”
“A vampire?” the foreman shrieked. “What in the name of The Twelve is a vampire doing here?”
“He came through the portal.”
“Givinn!”
“Yes, sir,” said a squeaky little voice in response.
“Get in there and secure that vampire and his horsey.”
“What?”
“You heard me, Givinn,” the foreman barked. “Move it!”
“But, sir!”
“Don’t ‘but’ me, Givinn. Get in there and get that vampire and his horsey!”
“But, but, but…”
“What’s with you and butts, Givinn? Always saying ‘but, sir’ to me. Starting to make me wonder if you’ve got some type of thing about butts. I think we have a new name for you Givinn. From now on your name is ‘Butts,’ Givinn.”
“But, sir, I’m not a butt man. It’s just that I’ve heard vampires are dangerous. It might suck my blood.”
“Nonsense, Butts. The worst it’ll do is just take a little and maybe leave an itchy welt, assuming he turns into a mosquito first, obviously; otherwise, well, better you than me, eh?”
“Any blood is too much from my perspective, sir!”
“Listen up,” the foreman raised his voice. “Butts here thinks that we’re suddenly in a democracy. So what say we humor him a bit and put it to a vote. How many of you think someone besides Butts should go in and get the vampire?”
Paulie couldn’t see anything, but he doubted that any hands went up.
“I didn’t think so. How many of you are in favor of Butts here risking a bite by the vampire?”
Paulie heard a lot of shuffling. No doubt there were lots of hands in the air now.
“And there you go, Butts. Democracy in action.”
Pauile heard the gnomes all laughing and realized that one way or another they were coming for him. He quietly opened the door and stepped into the hallway.
“Sir!”
“Look, Butts, we already voted. Now get in there.”
More laughter.
“But, sir!” The gnome known as “Butts” was pointing up at Paulie.
The foreman turned around and looked up. “Well, well, well,” he said. “Decided to surrender like a good vampire, eh?”
“I don’t know about that,” Paulie said. “What exactly am I guilty of?”
“The innocent act, eh?” the foreman said with a shake of his head. “There’s only one explanation for why a vampire would be in the heart of the city gnome’s portal system.”
“Travel?” Paulie asked.
“No! Well, actually…” The foreman stroked his little beard. “Okay, so there are two possible explanations for why a vampire would be in the heart of the city gnome’s portal system: travel, which is highly unlikely, and to set up some type of alliance!”
“It’s the travel one,” Paulie said assuringly.
“If that’s true then why were you hiding?”
Paulie pointed at the portal gnome. “He told me to.”
“Exactly! And that’s because you are an ambassador on a mission to Hubintegler to speak with city gnomes about forming alliance against the woodland gnomes!”
“Ambassador? Me?” Paulie laughed. “Hardly.”
“Hardly, eh? What’s your first name?”
“Huh?”
“Huh Hardly,” the foreman announce
d, “I hereby charge you with conspiracy against the woodland gnomes.”
“What?”
“Mr. Foreman, sir,” the portal gnome piped up. “He’s not an ambassador. He just came through from Yergarn Station right before you arrived. He’s just a traveler. Honest, sir.”
“You expect me to believe you after that little ‘There’s nobody in this room’ lie you tried to feed me a few minutes ago?”
The portal gnome shrugged, but looked away.
Paulie started walking toward the sea of gnomes. “I’m not an ambassador. I’m just trying to get to Fez. Their portal was down so the nice people at Yergarn Station sent me here.”
“That’s a likely story,” the commander said.
“Apparently the portal to Fez is down a lot,” Paulie said matter-of-factly.
“I know,” the commander replied. “That’s why I said it was a likely story.”
“Oh. Well, there you go.”
“Too likely. It’s just the kind of cover story I’d expect.”
The foreman began pacing in front of his men. He had to stop a couple of times so they could back out of his way. He shook his head each time that happened.
“It kind of makes sense, Mr. Hardly,” the foreman said. “I’ve always known that the vampires had an alliance with the Garden Gnomes, ever since the vampires and werewolves split, I mean, but I hadn’t considered that you would stoop so low as to join forces with the city gnomes!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Paulie said.
“I’ll bet you don’t, Mr. Hardly. I’ll bet you don’t.” The foreman then jabbed a finger toward Mr. Biscuits. “You were going to supply them with horseys too, I see.”
“He’s not a horse,” Paulie said. “He’s a were…um, dog. Look, I told you I’m not in the government. And just so you know, my name is not ‘Huh Hardly’ either. My name is Paulie Vergen. I’m just trying to get to Fez. Until I arrived here, I wasn’t even aware that the city gnomes and the woodland gnomes were at war.” He paused and gathered himself. “So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll happily let you get back to your war while I move on with my life.”
“Not so fast,” the foreman said. “As of now, you’re a prisoner of the woodland gnomes.”
“This is ridiculous,” Paulie said, taking a bold step toward the door. “Let’s go, Mr. Biscuits.”
“Boys!”
“And girls,” a female gnome shouted out, indignantly.
“Right,” the foreman said with a roll of his eyes.
As if out of nowhere, 50 miniature rifles were pointing up at Paulie’s chest.
He put up his hands in surrender.
“Good decision,” the commander said. “Now, you go sit on that chair there while we put on your restraints.”
“Restraints?”
“We’re taking you back to our HQ so we can have a nice chat.”
“Aren’t we having a nice chat now?” Paulie asked.
“It’s cordial enough, sure,” the commander said, looking confused. “But that’s not what I meant by ‘nice chat’ when I said it before.”
“Oh? Oh! Oh.”
“Right,” the foreman said with an evil grin. “Butts, cuff him.”
Paulie sat down as Butts pulled out what looked like adjustable bracelets.
“Those little things are going to restrain me?”
“Yes, sir,” Butts said. “It’s the latest thing in magnetic technology.”
He finished fastening them around Paulie’s wrists and ankles and then motioned at Paulie.
“Go ahead, give ‘em a try.”
Paulie stood and started walking toward the door. He nearly tripped as the shackles would permit only small shuffling steps. He then tested his hands, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t separate them more than a couple of inches.
“He’s secure, sir,” Butts said.
“Let’s get him back to HQ.”
“But, sir, our mission was to take over the portal station, not capture some blood sucker from Vaq.”
“Hey,” Paulie said, “that’s insulting! I’m from Viq, not Vaq.”
“Butts, we’re going to get him back to HQ.”
“But, sir!”
“No more buts, Butts,” the foreman bellowed. “I’m the foreman here. Besides, didn’t you notice there was no resistance except for this portal tech? Seems awfully suspicious to me.”
There was murmuring amongst the troops. The portal gnome had moved to sit with his back against the wall, obviously awaiting his punishment.
The commander turned toward him. “How come the city boys got no troops here?”
“They don’t tell me anything, sir. I’m just a portal tech.”
The foreman nodded and then turned to his soldiers. “Listen up! As important as it was to capture this place, it’s more important we get our prisoner back to headquarters for interrogation. So pack it up, were moving out.”
* * * * *
Exiting the portal building, Paulie began to take in the city of Hubintegler.
Unlike its inhabitants, the city was big. Much larger than the city in his homeland of Viq. The buildings were enormous, reaching up to nearly touch the sky. The trees, though tall themselves, were dwarfed by the metal and glass monstrosities.
Where things sparkled, though, were on the grounds. The grass was perfect. Green, lush, and flawlessly cut. Flowers were arranged in complex patterns with colors combined in such a way that Paulie assumed they were quite a vision when seen from above, especially in the daylight.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Paulie said, “how do you all keep the city looking so pristine? The gardens are beautiful.”
“It’s all handled by the Garden Gnomes,” the portal gnome answered. “You’d think a vampire would know that much.”
“Quiet down,” the foreman commanded. “We need to get out of the city and that means stealth.”
Two steps later, bright lights flooded the area, temporarily blinding Paulie. It was as though night had instantly turned into day.
“You down there,” a deep voice, by gnome standards, said through a loudspeaker, “stay where you are! We have you surrounded!”
“Looks like we’re in for a fight,” the foreman said. “Form up, boys!”
“And girls!”
“Yeah,” the commander said with a cough. “Them too. Let’s give the city gnomes something to remember us by!”
The only difference Paulie could see between the band of woodland gnomes and the flanking city gnomes was the color of their garb. The woodland gnomes wore greens and browns while the city gnomes were outfitted with blues and golds.
Paulie and Mr. Biscuits stood out like a couple of monuments.
“Put your weapons down,” the loudspeaker rang out.
“Not a chance!”
“Wait…is that a vampire?” Loudspeaker asked.
“As if you didn’t know,” the foreman answered.
“So the woodlands are setting up an alliance with the vampires, eh?” Loudspeaker said.
“Oh no you don’t,” answered the foreman. “You ain’t gonna turn that on us. We know your group already got to ‘em. Our plan is to take him in for interrogation.”
“A likely story,” said Loudspeaker.
“It is?” asked the foreman.
“No, it’s not.”
“You calling me a liar?”
“I suppose I am.”
“That’s it! Get ‘em, boys!”
“And girls!”
“Butts,” the foreman yelled back as the snap of weapons-fire filled the air.
“Yes, sir.”
“Get the prisoners back inside that building and keep an eye on them.”
There were tiny bullets flying everywhere.
Even at their miniature size, the sound of rifle fire made both Paulie and Mr. Biscuits jump.
Paulie, recognizing that he was easily the biggest target on the field, began hopping as fast as he could back toward the b
uilding. Mr. Biscuits was already part way to the door when he suddenly yelped and toppled over in the grass. A small red splash appeared on his hind leg.
“What the hell have you done?” Paulie screamed.
“Time out,” yelled the woodland foreman.
“Time out called,” Loudspeaker confirmed. “You’ve got two minutes.”
Paulie shuffled toward Mr. Biscuits as the sound of gunfire faded.
“Mr. Biscuits,” Paulie said, dropping to his knees by the dog. “Oh, Mr. Biscuits! I’m so sorry about all of this.”
Mr. Biscuits was whimpering lightly as Paulie touched the werepup’s blood-stained leg. Paulie didn’t know much about medical things, but he knew that he had to get that bullet out. First, though, he’d have to clear that blood out of the way. Being a vampire, this wasn’t a problem. He scooped a big amount of the blood out of the way and, not seeing any point in letting it go to waste, stuck it in his mouth.
Immediately afterward, he spat.
“What in the world is that?” Paulie asked nobody in particular. He’d never had werewolf blood before, but it tasted horrible.
“What are you doing, mister?” Butts said, stepping into view.
“I’m trying to save my dog.”
“From what?”
“From your stupid war, that’s what! He’s just an innocent animal.”
“Sir,” Butts said, “it’s only paint.”
“Paint?” Paulie said with a blink. He looked around at all the tiny faces and then at all the tiny rifles. “You mean you’re all just using paintball guns?”
“Of course, sir. Nobody wants to kill nobody in this man’s war.”
“And woman’s.”
“Yeah, right. Sorry.”
Paulie pushed through all of the red on Mr. Biscuits and found there was no hole in his leg—just a little welt. He closed his eyes and shook his head.
“Paint guns in a war,” Paulie shook his head. “How do you know when someone is hit?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” said Butts. “If you get hit, the paint splats everywhere. Like on your dog there.”
“True, but it may not be so obvious if you’re in the trees or something. So then what?”
“You’d do the same thing you’d do if you were hit while out in the open: drop your weapon, put on a white headband, put your hands up, and walk off the field and toward the enemy lines. Then you get taken to the data processing center where you’re forced to be a keyboard operator until the end of the war.”
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 26