“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Stelan interrupted, “nor do I care to. I don’t suppose you know of another way I can get to Fez tonight?”
“Hmmm.” The little guy was dancing around like a child who was in serious need of a potty. “The trolley is closed until tomorrow and the portal is down, down, down,”
“I will never understand why the ogres don’t just keep the trolleys running. Seems like such a waste of money.”
“Ogres won’t peddle at night,” the gnome answered. “They pedal all day underground and want to get topside at night. Can’t blame them for wanting to get out now and then, can you?”
“No, I suppose you can’t.”
The gnome leaped up onto the chair. “Are you the daring sort, sir?”
“Calm down,” Stelan said menacingly. The gnome did. “Why did you ask if I’m daring?”
“My cousin has a mode of travel that will get you there tonight, but it’s not exactly approved.”
“What is it?”
“He calls it a ‘GnomeJet’ and it’s very speedy and glides through the air.”
“Is it safe?” asked Stelan.
“No,” the gnome giggled, “not at all! But it’ll get you to Fez tonight. Maybe.”
“Why maybe?”
“You won’t get there if it crashes!”
“I see,” Stelan said as he ran his fingers through his hair. It had become a bit knotted during the trolley trip. “Where can I find your cousin?”
“He’s just outside of town,” the gnome replied and then went about writing up instructions.
Thirty minutes later, Stelan was standing in a large shed with a gnome who called himself “Burdles.”
“I can’t believe I’m standing face-to-knee with someone interested in my GnomeJet! It’s so exciting.”
“Get over it and show me the jet.”
The GnomeJet sat in the center of the shed. It was about 20-feet long, shaped like a cylinder, had two wings much like a bird’s, and its tail poked up to a point. A dragon was painted on the side.
“…and then the fuel ignites and gives thrust,” Burdles was saying with much enthusiasm. “When it hits the proper speed, the air current will be strong enough to give the jet lift. That means that the flow of—”
“Okay, okay, shut up!” Stelan said. “I am no scientist and I have little idea of what it is you’re talking about.”
“Oh, well, I can show you diagrams.”
“No, what you can do is get me to Fez tonight with this thing.”
“You want to fly in it?” Burdles gasped.
“Should I not?”
“It’s not safe,” Burdles said. “I mean, well, it should be safe, I suppose. But there hasn’t been enough testing on it to make sure all the glitches are out.”
“Have you tested it at all?”
“Of course I have,” Burdles said, seemingly offended at the question. “What kind of scientist doesn’t test his inventions?”
“How far have you flown it?”
“I haven’t.”
“But you said you’ve tested it,” Stelan said.
“Through models and mathematics,” Burdles replied with a grin. “Safest way to test.”
“So you don’t know if this thing will work or not?”
“It’ll work.”
“You’re certain?”
“Very nearly, yes.”
“I need to get to Fez tonight,” Stelan said, “but only if I can get there in one piece. What do you say to that?”
“I’m ninety-nine percent confident that we can achieve that.”
“So there is only a one percent margin of risk?”
Burdles cracked open his GnomePad and began entering values. He backed away a few minutes later and said, “I had that backwards.”
“Had what backwards?”
“There’s a ninety-nine percent chance we won’t make it.”
Stelan had an intense desire to pick up the little turd and shake him, but local laws prohibited it. The last thing Stelan wanted to risk was dealing with gnome law. He’d had a run-in with them a long time ago that had turned out pretty horrifically.
“Do you know of any safe way I can get to Fez tonight?”
“Portal,” Burdles answered.
“Your portal is down.”
“It is?”
“So it seems.”
“I suppose I could just take you in my GnomeWhirlie.”
“What’s that?”
A few hours later Stelan found himself standing in a field right outside of downtown Fez. The trip through the air had been exhilarating. The sound of the “whirlies” (which was what Burdles called the propellers) was almost silent. Burdles had explained how he had achieved that, but Stelan didn’t grasp much of it.
“You know,” Stelan said, handing $200 to the little gnome, “you aren’t quite as annoying as the rest of your kind, and that flight was worth every penny we agreed upon.”
“Actually, I’d asked for five hundred dollars.”
“You should consider opening this up as a means of travel,” Stelan said, ignoring the gnome’s comment. “At two hundred dollars a flight, you could make yourself quite a little business.”
“Jet is a better plan, I think,” said the gnome.
Stelan shrugged and headed off to the hotel. The lobby was empty, which made sense since it was after midnight.
“Single room, overlooking the portal,” Stelan said, not bothering with pleasantries. He handed over cash instead.
“Fourth floor,” the ogre replied. “Need help with bags?”
“No,” Stelan said and began heading for the stairs.
He stopped and turned back to the clerk.
“I don’t suppose you saw a vampire and a dog come through here tonight?”
“Yep, they made us a lot of money.”
“How did they manage to do that?” Stelan asked.
“You own a dog?”
“Well,” Stelan said, leaning on the counter and grinning, “that depends on what you mean by ‘own.’”
“It means that they belong to you. You stupid or something?”
“No, I’m not stupid,” Stelan said, affronted. Then he sought a way to get the upper-hand. “I’ll have you know that I own many dogs,” he said. He was speaking of werewolf ladies, of course, not actual dogs, and he didn’t actually own them, except in that sensual play sort of way.
“Oh yeah? How many?”
“Currently?” Stelan thought about it. Truth be told, he only had two regular playmates at this point in his life, but he wasn’t going to give that as his number. It just wasn’t impressive enough. “Six,” he said finally.
The ogre’s eyes lit up. She was clearly impressed, and right well she should be, Stelan thought.
She held up a sign, pointed at it, and said, “That’ll be nine hundred bucks.”
NICE DAY FOR A BIKE RIDE
Paulie awoke, his head pounding.
There wasn’t much worse than sleeping all night for a vampire. It gave him that “fuzzy” feeling, like he wasn’t quite awake, but rather just hovering between sleep and consciousness.
“Paulie,” Burt said, “you awake?”
“Yeah, Burt,” Paulie said, pressing his eyes closed to block out the incoming sun.
“I’d say we’re becoming pretty good friends, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“And I am very grateful to you for all you’re doing for me. You know that, right?”
Paulie grunted his affirmation.
“And we both know that I have no memory of my past.”
“Right.”
“But I don’t think I was gay.”
“I don’t care what a person’s orientation is, Burt,” Paulie said. “Deep down we’re all the same.”
“Yeah, okay,” Burt replied. “Anyway, I don’t want to cause a rift in our friendship, but do you think you could stop spooning me now?”
Paulie’s full se
nses came back to him at that moment and he pushed himself backwards, slipping off the bed and falling squarely on his buttocks.
“You okay?” Burt asked, his head hanging over the edge of the bed.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Look, we should talk.”
“Uh oh.”
“No, it’s just when you’re a werepup…well, you’re a werepup, ya know? So I don’t think about things like giving you a bath or you curling up next to me or you laying your head on my lap. All that stuff is normal for a werepup.”
“I guess so, yeah.”
“I just feel bad pushing you away when you’re a werepup. You give me those werepuppy eyes…” Paulie trailed off, realizing that Burt had an odd look on his face. He obviously felt uncomfortable with the entire situation. Paulie did too, but what could he do about it?
They decided to drop the subject.
“You look kind of orange,” Burt said.
“What do you mean?”
“Your skin. It doesn’t look right.”
“Sunburn,” Paulie said, but didn’t notice any discomfort.
“No, I don’t think that’s it.”
Paulie got up and looked in the mirror. He was orange. What the heck?
“I see the problem,” Burt said, holding the lotion that Paulie had purchased the day before. “It says on the back that it may turn your skin orange.”
“Great,” Paulie said and then turned his attention toward getting ready to leave.
He showered and decided to stop by the hotel gift shop for a different brand of lotion and some sunglasses.
Today was another day and they were edging ever closer to Yezan. One more day-trip on the road should get them to Gakoonk and then it was a portal trip to Aopow, which Paulie had read was a much more lax portal station than Yergarn.
Soon they’d be in the land of the werewolves and Paulie could finally be rid of Burt and Mr. Biscuits.
He looked out the window and found that the thought somewhat saddened him. Burt was right when he said they’d become pretty good friends. Plus, Paulie had never had a pet before and he was becoming accustomed to it. Granted, it would be better to have a pet that didn’t suddenly turn into a human male at the most inopportune moments. A human female wouldn’t be so bad, though.
“Ready, Paulie?”
“Hmmm? Oh, yeah. We have to get a bike.”
They headed downstairs and grabbed a plateful of the complimentary continental breakfast, which consisted of a dry piece of toast, a glass of orange juice, and half a piece of raw calf’s liver. Burt gagged at the liver, but Paulie couldn’t have been happier. He savored the blood and followed it down with the orange juice. Burt just ate toast.
After a quick stop in the hotel store and a few minutes of putting on lotion, they made their way to the bike station.
The sunglasses did a decent enough job of cutting the sun’s light, but Paulie had hoped for more dimming power. It was better than having none at all.
“Where you want go?” an ogre wearing a bright yellow uniform asked as they stood at the counter.
“Gakoonk, please,” Paulie said.
“Why you orange?”
“Sunless-tanning lotion.”
“Yep, shouldn’t use that stuff.”
Paulie fake-smiled.
“One hundred bucks.”
Paulie opened his wallet and pulled out $100.
“Each.”
He took a deep breath and grabbed another $100.
“When does the bike leave?”
“Every three hours,” the ogre answered as he dropped two tickets on the desk. “Last one left two hours fifty-nine minutes ago.”
Paulie checked his timepiece and rushed over to the bike that was about to leave. There was nobody in the little trailer that sat behind the rather large bike, but the ogre that was driving was stepping on.
“Wait,” Paulie called.
“Hurry up,” the ogre replied. “Gotta go.”
They jumped in the back and the ogre pulled away, fast. Paulie assumed that the ogre would have traversed the distance to Gakoonk with or without passengers.
Within moments they were flying past the hotel courtyard. As soon as they cleared the trees, Paulie pressed the canopy button and the top came up.
“Sorry, Burt,” Paulie said. “Can’t handle the sunshine. You should still be able to use your window.”
Paulie closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was on vacation. Even though the carriage was trembling along the road, it was less bumpy than the trolley ride had been, and it was far quieter. The seat was made of a nice, supple leather that he just sank into. While it would have been nicer had the sun been down, it was good enough to shut his eyes to.
“So where you guys goin’?” the driver called back.
“Gakoonk,” Paulie answered, hoping that the driver already knew that.
“Yeah, but then what?”
So much for rest.
“We’re trying to get to Yezan.”
“Werewolf land, eh?”
“That’s right.”
“Better be careful. Werewolves don’t like vampires. I guess that ain’t exactly right. They do like to eat them.”
Paulie and Burt looked at each other and laughed.
“I been there one time,” the ogre said. “Guy ain’t want to take portal trip, so he hire me to take him all the way up. That’s how I got my bike.”
“You own the bike?” Burt asked.
“Yep. I get more money ‘cause I do.”
“But you still work for Bike-a-Bing?”
“I contract to them, yeah, but also do business on my own. Depends on the season.”
“Don’t your legs get tired with all that pedaling?” Burt asked.
“Nah,” the ogre said as Paulie watched the trees zipping by. “Got used to it a long time back. But it did hurt my special spot until I got the right seat.”
Neither Paulie nor Burt responded to that. Paulie had purchased a stationary bike a number of years ago when he was getting a little too flabby in the middle. He had pedaled on it every day for two weeks and then had to stop because his perineum was in a constant state of pain. The doctor told him to either get a seat-fitting on the bike or give up his hopes to ever be intimate.
“Name is Guk,” the driver offered.
“I’m Burt and this is Paulie.”
“You guys going to the kickyball game in Gakoonk or something?”
“No,” they replied in unison.
“Supposed to be the big thing,” Guk said. “Not much of a fan, myself.”
“Nor I,” Paulie agreed. “Burt here needs to get to Yezan and I’m helping him out. That’s all.”
“Ah, I got it,” Guk said, looking over his shoulder at Burt. “You a new werewolf?”
“Yeah,” Burt said quietly.
“It not so bad,” said Guk. “I got a couple of friends that are werewolves. They better friends than vampires. No offense.”
Paulie grimaced and turned his attention back to getting some shuteye. It didn’t take long for the rocking of the cart to ease him into a moderately sound sleep.
SLIPPING AWAY
Porcelain beauties were all over the room. Blondes, reds, and brunettes of all shapes and sizes, though all perfectly proportioned and flawless. Every one was at his beck and call.
Knock.
They were knocking at his glass-paneled door, one after the next, each hoping to spend at least a little time with the most elite assassin in the land.
Knock, knock.
Some were more insistent than others. It was to be expected for one with the sexual prowess of Stelan Bumache. How many broken hearts had he left in his wake? He smiled. The number was unfathomable. And the lady currently in his bed would be yet another notch on his scorecard.
Knock, knock, knock!
Now it was beginning to get a little ridiculous. Tenacity was one thing, but clearly the girl at the door could see he was in the midst of pleasuring another.
&
nbsp; Knock, knock, knock!
“Housekeeping.”
Stelan jolted upright in bed and the room slowly came into view. His fantastical dream faded.
Knock, knock, knock!
“Housekeeping! Coming in!”
Stelan took inventory of the situation. It was obviously morning; he was at a hotel; the curtains were pulled so the sunlight was kept out; there was a maid at the door who was fiddling with the lock; and he was following a vampire and a prince.
“Damn!” he said and jumped from the bed just as the ogre pushed into the room.
Stelan stood before her in his full glory, including the residual state that his ever-fading dream had left him in.
“Hmmm,” the maid said, shutting the door, “it kinda small, but I got few minutes.”
She began taking off her outfit as the blood drained from Stelan’s face and his other place. An ogre? He’d never been with an ogre before and he didn’t plan on being with one now.
“Sorry,” he said. “There is a misunderstanding. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Dis always happens,” she said, putting her clothes back on. “I knock and say I was coming in. You no have a sign on the door, right?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Well, what you expect?” she asked.
“My apologies,” he said as he pulled on a robe. “I will be more careful in the future.”
Stelan shut the door behind her and took a deep breath.
“That was close,” he said, vowing to remember to always put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on his door in the future.
Knock, knock, knock! He heard the maid pounding on the door across the way. “Housekeeping! Coming in!” Then he heard the maid say, “I’ve never been with a halfling before. Hey, it kinda big!”
Stelan looked down and felt a bit deflated at the thought of a halfling packing more of a punch than he did. An ogre, sure, that was to be expected. But not a halfling. Maybe the guy grew up next to a power plant or something.
He pulled open the curtains and scrunched his eyes. The sun’s full blast melted his mind ever so slightly. He closed them back together, just enough to allow a crack of sunlight to come through, then he staggered over to the edge of the bed.
He picked up the remote and flicked on the TV. The first channel was promoting hotel services and their affiliates. The Bike-a-Bing service was currently in rotation.
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 30