Paulie felt his eyes widen.
A prince?
He looked over at Mr. Biscuits, who was licking his privates.
Not possible.
“I have evidence of this,” Bumache said.
He handed over his ePad and Paulie watched a video clip from Princes Gone Missing.
Sure enough, it was Burt.
“I was sent by his father, the king of Argan, to rescue him,” said Bumache.
“If you’re here to rescue him, why did you shoot at us?”
“I was only aiming for you, Mr. Vergen.”
Paulie squinted at Bumache. “How do you know my name?”
“When you left Viq, I was with the animal control unit that was at your house.”
“Oh.”
“Here’s the thing,” Bumache said, pulling the chair back and, after seeing Paulie shrug, sitting, “I have this thought that you are trying to gain the ransom for the prince’s safe return.”
“I would never do such a thing,” Paulie said with a huff.
“Is that so, Mr. Vergen?”
“It is,” Paulie said, crossing his arms.
“And how can I be certain of that?”
“I didn’t even know who he was until you showed me that video!”
“Well,” Bumache cleared his throat, “yes, I suppose that’s true.”
“It is true,” Paulie said, “and yet you went about trying to kill me.”
Bumache was quiet for a minute. Then he said, “Mr. Vergen, I ask that you put yourself in my shoes. From my perspective you were running from the law in Viq.”
“They would have killed Mr. Biscuits.”
“Exactly my point. You see, to me, you were putting the prince’s life in jeopardy. Being that it’s my duty to protect the prince, and to guarantee his safe return, I had to do what I had to do.”
“And so you thought I was the bad guy,” Paulie said.
“It was only logical, Mr. Vergen. I realize now that a simple conversation could have solved a lot of confusion.”
Paulie harrumphed as the waiter arrived and asked for their order.
He had ordered a Bloody Mary (which promised real blood for vampires), calf’s liver, raw, and a t-bone for Mr. Biscuits. Bumache put in a to-go order, which interestingly included two requests for bovine tar tar. Paulie made sure that the waiter knew it would be separate checks.
“I apologize for this mistake on my part, Mr. Vergen. I do feel just awful about it.”
It all made sense. The honor that Burt had shown; how bad he felt about dragging Paulie into this mess; even the unprotected sexual escapade that the prince had engaged in.
Everything rang “royalty.”
“So what happens now?” Paulie asked.
“I ask you to relinquish the dog…sorry, werepup to me so that I can return him to his father in Argan. I will be sure to mention your name to the king, of course.”
“I don’t care about that,” Paulie said. “I just want Burt…I mean, Hughbarian, to be safe and happy.” Then Paulie remembered the ritual required for the prince to get his memories back. “You know that he has to get to Yezan?”
“For his memories? Yes, I know about this. I have already contacted the king of Argan regarding the matter.”
“Oh,” Paulie said sadly. “That’s good.”
The waiter dropped off the food a few minutes later, but Paulie had suddenly lost his appetite. He didn’t want to let either Burt or Mr. Biscuits go. They had become friends. Friends! People like Paulie didn’t have many friends, especially in Viq. Viqians didn’t like to associate with pacifists.
But whom was he kidding? Once the prince got his memory back, the last thing he would want is for any of his royal friends to know that he had ever spent time with a lowly vampire. It’s not like Paulie was going to be turning down invitations to dances and royal gatherings.
Paulie had to face facts, he was not one who fit in with princely company.
“I don’t suppose you would be willing to get a message to me once he’s safely home?”
Bumache opened his ePad again and flipped it around. The entry showed Paulie’s information.
“This is all correct?”
“Yes.”
Bumache nodded and tucked the pad back into its case.
“You have done a noble thing, Mr. Vergen,” Bumache said.
“Yeah, that’s what the Noble Trolls of Liberty said too.”
Bumache chuckled. “They gave you special treatment too, eh?”
“They sure did,” Paulie said. “I got a free night in the Trollington Suite.”
Bumache choked on his wine.
“Is that so?” he asked after gathering himself.
“I thought it was kind of them.”
“Indeed,” Stelan said as he wiped his chin. “Well, I should get out of your way.”
“Will you be leaving tonight?”
“No,” Stelan said, pushing away from the table. “I think it’d be best that the prince was in his non-wolf form when he’s reunited with the king.”
“So the morning, then.”
“Correct. I’ll get him some breakfast, explain the situation, and get him cleaned up. Then we’ll head up to Argan.”
Paulie reached down and patted Mr. Biscuits on the head. “You’ll be a good boy for Mr. Bumache, won’t you, Mr. Biscuits?”
Mr. Biscuits didn’t look very convinced.
Paulie handed the leash to Bumache and watched helplessly as the two walked down the stairs from the balcony and into the grass.
Mr. Biscuits looked back a couple of times.
Paulie downed his Bloody Mary and signaled for another.
PAULIE AND HIS THOUGHTS
After dinner, Paulie was a little tipsy. He was also depressed. It just felt as though he hadn’t completed the journey he had started out on. Even though it had only been a few days, Paulie wanted to see it through.
He walked down to a little knoll that sat overlooking the ocean.
The waves crashed as the moonlight shimmered over the distant water toward the horizon. Paulie breathed in the salty air. The scent was exhilarating. If nothing else, he got to experience being in Gakoonk, and Fez, and even Hubintegler.
Paulie smiled.
Instead of spending his time feeling down about not finishing his adventure, he decided to relish in that, for once in his life, he’d done something. He’d traveled. The lowly vampire got out of Viq and saw a bit of the world.
The wind lifted and a fine mist of ocean spray caressed his skin.
“Where will you go next, Paulie?” he asked himself aloud.
There were so many options.
He could go to Dogda on the northern coast. Even though he had grown up not too far from Dogda, he’d never had the courage to make the trip. The dark halflings weren’t all that friendly, but as long as he brought money and purchased some Halfey’s chocolate bars, they would treat him well enough. He had always wanted to see their metallic hovels, and the TV specials said that the Dogda hotels had been designed to fit all sizes of travelers. Plus they had Halfey’s Park, which promised thrill rides and amazing shows.
To the south was Pren. Paulie hadn’t enjoyed the company of most orcs he’d met because their kind were fierce and cunning. Paulie was neither. But documentaries on the culture were clear that if you showed them respect, they would show it in turn. It was the home of Microsquish, too. Since Paulie had already seen the home of Gnoogle, it was only fitting that he also check out Microsquish, and maybe even Effle Computers in the Lazent Range. At least in the Lazent he would be dealing with elves and dwarfs instead of orcs.
Wikr was another land that sounded interesting. It was the land of the “jolly giants,” according to the recent “Wikr: It’s not what you’d expect” destination documentary Paulie watched just a week ago. These giants were kind, gentle, and actually liked people. They were still rock-throwers, sure, but they kept the hobby to water skipping. The hotels in Wikr were built by the gn
omes since giants were terrible with craftsmanship. They excelled at demolition though.
Dakmenhem was high on his list of travel destinations. The nightlife alone made the place appealing. He’d have to keep his wits about him during that trip. There were a lot of seedy activities in that crazy town.
But of all the places available to travel, the one that he wanted to visit most was just outside of his reach: the Upperworld. There were so many countries and cities that he’d read about or watched specials on that he didn’t care where he landed. They had a simpler life there. Limited technology, farming, small towns, and houses that were separated by large fields. It just seemed so peaceful to a vampire that had spent most of his life in the city of Viq.
Unfortunately, the Upperworlders were very strict about allowing Underworlders into their domain. He had read that it wasn’t due to prejudice. It was that they too wanted to keep technology to a minimum. If they let the gnomes in, things would be built up faster than an anthill in the middle of summer. Paulie also understood why they didn’t want vampires up there, after the invasion lead by Commander Mal Aria and his thousands of soldiers, vampires weren’t exactly loved.
Regardless, it was time for Paulie to live a little. He spent all of his life worrying. That needed to stop.
Burt would be fine. He would get his memories back soon and he would resume his life as a prince. Paulie just hoped that Burt was as nice being a prince as he was when not-a-prince.
A man started yelling in the distance, jolting Paulie from his thoughts.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “That is a bad dog!”
Thwack!
Paulie stood and looked across the open field. He saw Stelan Bumache with a rolled-up newspaper standing over Mr. Biscuits. Stelan was fiercely wagging his finger and Mr. Biscuits had his head down, ears bent, and he was cringing. No doubt he was awaiting another smack on the head.
“And that’s why you are staying in a kennel tonight,” Bumache yelled. “I will not have you jumping around when I tell you it’s time to stop. You will obey me or you will be punished. Are we clear?”
Mr. Biscuits, of course, did not respond. While Paulie had never been an animal person, Bumache appeared even less so.
Paulie couldn’t explain it, but he had the urge to walk over and take Mr. Biscuits back. He wanted to tell Bumache a thing or two. He wanted to punch Bumache in the nose. He would have expected relief to be the only thing he’d feel after being freed from the responsibility of Mr. Biscuits. But he didn’t. The werepup accepted Paulie for who he was. There were no strings attached, except for the constant clean-up and feeding, of course.
Paulie found himself cautiously following Bumache and Mr. Biscuits as they walked toward the kennel.
He kept his distance, worried that Mr. Biscuits would catch his scent.
Just as the two were about to enter the building, Mr. Biscuits turned his head and looked directly into Paulie’s eyes.
Bumache yanked him through the door.
A few minutes went by before Bumache exited and began heading back toward the hotel. There was something about the man that just rang “wrong” to Paulie, or maybe it was just how royalty actually worked. Paulie didn’t know, but something was definitely out of place with this man.
Bumache stopped about 20 feet out, reached into his pocket and pulled forth a TalkyThingy.
“Bumache here,” he said. “Ah, Quirgles, it’s about time. I called you over a week ago. I don’t care for excuses, Quirgles. You know that. I believe I pay you more than a fair retainer to keep my financial affairs in order, do I not?”
Paulie moved in closer.
“I’m glad we have that understanding,” Bumache said smugly. “Now, I’m sure you’re aware that my ten-year appointment with Caterina Ogwern.”
Paulie had heard that name before, but he couldn’t place it. A wizard of some sort, he thought. Or maybe a witch?
“So I will require sufficient funds to be placed aside for the procedure,” Stelan continued. “Yes, I am aware that it will leave my accounts depleted, but I’m working on rectifying that as we speak. You’re going to love this. King Larkin hired me out to assassinate this prince from Argan, but he’s been infected with Werewolfism and has no idea who he is. What’s that? Yes, yes, exactly! It’s the guy from Princes Gone Missing. I know, right? Well, anyway, I have him in my custody now. My plan is to go to Argan and collect the ransom, and maybe even attend a party or two given in my honor. After a few weeks, I’ll kill the man as per my agreement with King Larkin and collect another reward. Yes, I agree. It is ingenious!”
Bumache laughed heartily as Paulie’s mouth dropped open. King Larkin was the king of Yezan, he knew. Why would he hire out an assassin to kill Burt?
Paulie staggered behind the tree, snapping a twig in the process.
“Wait a moment, Quirgles,” Bumache said as Paulie held his breath. Finally, Bumache continued walking toward the hotel. “Never mind,” Paulie could hear the man say, “thought I’d heard something. Anyway, I think this will put my financial woes to rest within the month. Remember, the more money I make, the more you…”
Paulie waited until Bumache had disappeared into the hotel before he slid down into a sitting position.
What was he to do? It wasn’t like Paulie was a fighter. His coven had been right about that.
But Burt was a friend and, prince or not, his friend was in trouble.
His resolve rose and he found his anger rising along with it.
“Stelan Bumache,” Paulie declared to the tree, “I don’t know who you truly are, but you, sir, have just met your match.”
Paulie squared his shoulders and walked toward the hotel.
RESEARCH
Paulie sat down at the desk in his room and pulled up his favorite UnderNet browser: Seeker. He had tried UN-Explorer, but it was slow and didn’t always show things the proper way. He had also given Purveyor a shot, a few times, and he had to admit that it was pretty fast, but Seeker just had the bells and whistles that he found most useful.
He typed in “Stelan Bumache” and found that the man lived in Yezan. Why would a human want to live in the land of the werewolves? Then it hit him. Bumache said during his call that he was hired by the king of Yezan to kill the prince, so that must mean that Bumache is on the king’s payroll as an assassin.
Next, Paulie pulled up the Princes Gone Missing episodes and found the one featuring Burt. He searched for “Hughbarian Tessan” and, sure enough, he was the prince of Argan.
What Paulie couldn’t understand was why the king of Yezan wanted the prince of Argan dead. There had to be some royal reasoning that Paulie wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t for the commoner to fiddle in the ways of aristocrats.
Regardless of the werewolf king’s intent, Paulie’s friend was in trouble and Paulie needed to do something about it.
He checked the time and found it was yet to hit midnight. The local forecast said that sunrise wasn’t for another seven hours. Bumache would get to the kennel about a half-hour before the sun came up. Then he would wait for Mr. Biscuits to morph back into Burt, con him into believing the story, and they would be off to Argan.
Paulie would have to get Burt to Yezan first so that his friend could get his memories back. That would be tricky. He certainly did not want to arrive in Yezan in the middle of the night. Imagine being the only vampire in a sea of werewolves who were in full form.
He’d also have to be one step ahead of Bumache in order to survive the assassin.
Paulie would arrive at the kennel at three in the morning. By four he and Mr. Biscuits would be at Aopow Station. Then they would wait until the last possible moment before entering Yezan.
OPENING THE KENNEL
Paulie knocked on the door to the kennel as the clock struck four.
The door had been locked and there was a sign on it that said, “Please don’t knock on the door after midnight.”
A very unhappy-looking dwarf opened the door.
“What’s the matter with you? Can’t ye read?”
“I am terribly sorry,” Paulie said. “It’s just that my boss is a very exacting man and I am still getting used to him and it just makes me very anxious and…and…and—”
“Okay, okay,” the dwarf said while pulling Paulie inside. “No point in waking up the entire neighborhood.”
Paulie glanced around at the kennels and spotted Mr. Biscuits in the second one from the back. He was next to a poodle that had one of those poofy haircuts. On his other side was a cat. Mr. Biscuits did not look comfortable.
“Who’s your boss?”
“Hmmm? Oh, yes, sorry. It’s Mr. Bumache.”
“Oh, that guy, eh?” the dwarf grabbed a key. “Yeah, he’s a real treat, that one. Can’t ye be after finding another fella to work for?”
“Times are tough, you know,” Paulie answered.
“I guess they are at that,” said the dwarf with a shrug. “I’ll go grab, uh…” he referred to the sheet, “Captain Pooper for you and collect the money.”
“Captain who?”
“Pooper, yeah? That’s what yer boss called him.”
The dwarf had opened the correct cage and Mr. Biscuits came running over to Paulie, jumping up to lick his face. Paulie smiled and patted the mangy mutt.
“Seems to like ya fine,” the dwarf said. “I like seein’ that the pup has a friend in ye. Pooper there didn’t seem to like his owner.”
Paulie wanted to tell the dwarf the entire story, but he decided it best to keep quiet. For now his focus was to get out of town and off to Aopow Station. Until Mr. Biscuits got his memory back, Paulie had a job to do.
“That’ll be fifty dollars,” the dwarf said.
Paulie sighed and took out his wallet. The card given to him by The Noble Trolls of Liberty fell out and the dwarf took notice. Then the dwarf looked at the werepup and seemed to do a little calculating in his head.
“Wait a second here,” the dwarf said. “Yer that fella that’s helping,” he hesitated and pointed at Mr. Biscuits, “the werewolf. Well, I’ll be. That other fella ain’t yer boss, is he?”
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 34