“You liked biscuits,” Paulie said.
The two stared each other down for another few moments and then Hughbarian began to smile. Then he chuckled. Then he laughed.
Paulie wasn’t sure what was going on. Maybe the man had lost his senses during the ritual that Handler Fleffy had put him through.
Speaking of Handler Fleffy, he too was laughing.
“We got him, I think,” the prince said.
“Looks that way,” Handler Fleffy agreed.
“Got who? What are you talking about?”
“Sorry, Paulie,” Hughbarian said. “You had no idea what to expect when you came in so Handler Fleffy and I decided to pull a joke on you.”
“A joke?”
Hughbarian reached out and pulled Paulie in for a hug, patting him on the back heartily.
“You saved my life, Paulie,” Hughbarian said. “I would never treat you the way I just did. We were just playing around.”
Paulie joined in on the laugh and felt an enormous sense of relief. He’d been the butt of many jokes, but they never ended as merely a stint of friendly banter.
“Very funny,” Paulie said. “I thought for sure you’d suddenly despised me, Burt…I mean Hughbarian. It’s going to take some doing to get used to calling you that.”
“You can call me ‘Burt’ any time. Actually, I kind of like the name.”
They laughed again.
“So what’s going on outside? Is that assassin still after us?”
“Not exactly,” Paulie said and then went about filling them both in on the details.
NEGOTIATIONS
Paulie and Burt stepped out of the church and into the midst of two small armies.
“Have they injured you in any way, my son?”
“No, father,” Burt said.
“Of course we haven’t,” King Larkin said. “Why would we do that?”
Paulie pointed at Stelan Bumache.
King Larkin cleared his throat and looked away innocently.
“It’s good to see that they captured the assassin, anyway,” said Burt.
“It was King Larkin who hired the assassin,” Paulie said.
“What?” King Tessan said. “You tried to have my son killed?”
King Larkin scratched his ear again.
“He did, sire,” Paulie said. “What I don’t know is why he hired Bumache to do it.”
“We always hire Bumache,” King Larkin said. “He’s the only one we ever hire for these things.”
“But why did you want to have my son killed?”
“Oh, that,” Larkin said, snapping his fingers in the general direction of the princess.
She stepped through the crowd and out into the clearing. Everyone looked at her for a moment as if questioning what she had to do with anything. Then they looked down and noticed her belly was a bit round.
“That was quick,” Paulie said.
“Werewolf gestational periods are only a couple of months,” Handler Fleffy said through the slat in the door.
“You got this thing pregnant?” the king of Argan asked his son.
“Excuse me?” the princess said. “I’m not a ‘thing,’ thank you very much.”
“If anything,” King Larkin spoke up, “it’s your son who’s the thing that put my daughter in this situation!”
“Luna, right?” Burt asked.
“Luna?” King Larkin said. “Who’s Luna?”
“It’s the name I gave him, father,” Terrissa answered.
“So your name is not Luna?” asked Burt.
“Everyone knows you don’t give real names at a dress-up party,” she said.
“Apparently not everyone,” Bumache called out.
“Quiet, Bumache,” King Larkin commanded and then turned back toward Burt. “Her name, young man, is Princess Terrissa.”
“Oh boy,” Burt said.
Both of the kings were now pacing back and forth, each blurting or barking the occasional expletive. The soldiers all had that look of uncertainty.
“There’s no way that I’m relinquishing any of my kingdom to some backwater Upperworlder,” King Larkin said finally.
“As if I’d want any stake in this poop-infested, tree-watering band of ruffians you call your followers.”
They were staring each other down when Paulie finally understood what the entire fuss was about.
“Wait a minute,” Paulie said, stepping between the two kings. “Let me get this straight. King Larkin, you wanted to have Burt—”
“Who’s Burt?” the two kings and the princess said in unison.
“Sorry, I mean that you wanted to have Prince Hughbarian assassinated because you didn’t want to share your kingdom?”
“That’s right. I will not share with—”
“And King Tessan,” Paulie interrupted, “you just want your son back, right? I mean, you have no desire to have any rulings in the Underworld, do you?”
“Absolutely not,” King Tessan said.
“That solves you two,” Paulie said and then turned to Burt. “What about you?”
“What do you mean, Paulie?”
“Well, they’re your kids, Burt…uh, Hughbarian. How do you feel about all this?”
Burt ran his fingers through his hair. Then he took a step off the church’s porch and walked over to Terrissa.
“Luna,” Burt started, “…I mean, Terrissa, I don’t want anything to do with running your kingdom, but I would like to at least make sure that my children know who I am and I would like to see them grow.”
“Well,” Terrissa said, “I’m not going to marry you. I don’t like men.”
“Oh? Oh! You seemed pretty into it when we were in our costumes, getting it on.”
“Excuse me,” King Larkin said disgustedly.
“Honestly, son,” King Tessan agreed sourly, “I don’t think either of us needs to hear about our children’s sexual trysts.”
“Sorry,” Burt said, clearing his throat. “Anyway, I just want to see them, you know?”
“Yes,” Terrissa said after a moment. “I guess I can understand that.”
“Fine,” King Larkin said, “but you’ll get no designs on my kingdom.”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with your kingdom, King Larkin,” the king of Argan said. “He barely wants anything to do with his own.”
“Father,” Burt said, “that’s not fair. I simply don’t want to be married off to the current queen of the elves.”
“What’s wrong with the queen of the elves?” asked King Larkin. “Elves are pretty hot.”
“This queen is a ‘queen,’” Burt said with hand quotes.
“I don’t understand.”
“Daddy,” Terrissa said, “it means that it’s a male elf who gallivants around like a woman.”
“Hmmm,” King Larkin’s brow furrowed. “You can’t be too picky in this day and age, young man. Besides, elf men are often better-looking than most other races’ women.”
“See that?” King Tessan said. “Even he understands!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” King Larkin said.
Paulie held out his hands to silence both kings before they started arguing again.
They ceased their bickering and looked at Paulie.
Maybe this is what he’d been waiting for his entire life. A purpose. He was clearly good at diplomacy. Sure, the amulet was what gave him any clout at all, but the ability to get an amulet in the first place was demonstrative of his political capacity.
“Prince Hughbarian’s marital situation, strange as it may be, is a discussion for another time. For now, we must discuss your children.”
“As I said…” King Larkin began, but Paulie hushed him.
“I think we all know both of your positions on this subject,” Paulie said. “I have a proposal that may solve this entire issue. We’ll draw up a legally binding document that states both sides know the situation and that both sides agree that neither will have any rights to the other’s kingd
om.”
The two kings went into thought, scratching beards and ears, as the case may be.
“Well?” Paulie asked assertively. “What say you?”
“Sounds reasonable,” King Tessan said.
“Yeah, okay,” King Larkin agreed.
Paulie signaled the two kings to shake on it. As soon as they were done, Handler Fleffy stepped out and gave Larkin a treat for properly responding to the “shake” command.
The sound of mock clapping suddenly filled the air. Soldiers moved out of the way until everyone could see Stelan Bumache clapping his hands and shaking his head.
“Amazingly well done,” Bumache said to Paulie. “I have to admit that I underestimated you, vampire. It’s such a shame that I will have to kill you someday.”
King Larkin grabbed Bumache by his tunic and lifted him from the ground.
“Do you honestly think you’re going to get that chance, Vampire Bumache?”
Bumache unleashed a flow of urine in response.
“You have been playing me all this time,” the king continued. “Countless kings have been made into fools because of you.”
“But, sire,” Bumache said in terror, “you must remember that I always faithfully completed your missions!”
“And charged me ten times more than a normal assassin would have, no doubt.”
“He also spent a lot of time at the local pubs, Daddy,” Terrissa said. “Many of my friends talked about how he would take advantage of the female forms while the men were all out toiling in the fields every day.”
“Is this true?”
More piddle answered the question.
“You’re going to spend a long, long time paying for this, Bumache,” King Larkin said, dropping Bumache back to the ground.
Bumache dragged himself back to his feet, but stayed briefly on one knee.
An instant later, he pulled forth a blade from his boot and dove forward, driving the knife toward Paulie’s heart. Just as the point of the blade touched Paulie’s jacket, a huge fist slammed into the side of Bumache’s head, knocking him sideways onto the ground.
King Larkin snatched up Bumache and threw him back into the arms of the soldiers. “Take him away.”
“I’ll get you for this, Paulie Vergen,” the assassin yelped as he was dragged from the scene. “Mark my words!”
“Thanks for the warning, Mr. Bumache,” Paulie called back. “I’ll send you my thanks in the way of a few bottles of Werewolf Love Potion to make your stay in prison more interesting.”
Bumache began to sob as the soldiers on both sides fell into laughter.
“Thanks, Burt,” Paulie said as Bumache was dragged away. “You just saved my life.”
“I guess that makes us even. Eh, Paulie?”
“Not even close,” Paulie replied with a grin.
A GOOD INVESTMENT
King Tessan sent his troops back through the portal, keeping only his aide and son behind.
King Larkin invited them back to the castle where they could work on the legal documents.
“Mr. Vergen,” King Tessan said, “I feel I owe you a debt of gratitude. You, sir, are a fine gentleman.”
“He’s the best,” Burt agreed.
“Thank you, sire,” Paulie said with a bow.
“I have to agree,” King Larkin said. “I’ve never known a vampire I didn’t want to kill, except for Bumache, but he was cheating. With you, though, I can’t explain why I don’t want to kill you right now, regardless of your ambassadorship. You just seem so normal. I would have assumed that all vampires were uppity and obnoxious.”
“Most of them are,” Paulie said.
“Bumache sure is,” said Larkin.
They all chuckled as they entered the main library where a large oak table sat. Everyone took a seat and the negotiations began.
It took all day to work through the details of the agreement, but the negotiations stayed cordial and soon they had a full resolution in place.
“It’s going to be dark soon,” Paulie reminded everyone. “I’m sure that nobody wants to allow anything to come between this agreement.”
“Such as?” King Tessan asked.
“Dad,” the prince answered, “when it gets dark everyone is going to turn into a werewolf.”
“Oh, right,” the king said. “Speaking of which, aren’t you going to turn into one too?”
“He will,” King Larkin said. “I would suggest allowing him to stay here for the night. Tomorrow we will talk with the church to see if they would be willing to put him through the ritual of Nomoremorphin.”
“They would do that?” Paulie asked.
“Under the circumstances,” King Larkin said, “I don’t see that we have much choice. What my daughter did was wrong.”
“Now, Father—”
“No, my dear. I’ll hear none of it. You were in the wrong here.”
She stayed quiet.
“Of course he’ll have to become a member of the church,” the king said. “It’s nothing fancy, mind you. Just a yearly pilgrimage to Yezan where you’ll have to help feed and water everyone for the night.”
“Hmmm,” said the prince.
“Or you can stay a werewolf.”
“I think I can fill a few bowls with food and water once a year,” the prince affirmed.
“Mr. Vergen,” said King Tessan, “I owe you a reward for returning my son to me.”
“No thank you, sire,” Paulie said. “It was the right thing to do.”
“Still,” the king said, “I put up a reward for the return of my son and you delivered him.”
“Thank you, but it’s not necessary.”
“I am a man of my word, Mr. Vergen,” King Tessan said firmly. “You will receive one hundred thousand in Upperworld currency.”
“I’m not allowed to visit the Upperworld, sire.”
“I’ll take care of that too,” the king said. “We’ll have a nice cottage built for you on my land and you will be considered an ambassador there as well.”
Paulie guffawed. “I don’t know how to thank you, sire.”
“Again, it is I who thank you, Mr. Vergen.”
King Larkin rapped on the table. Everyone turned to look at him.
“You have also proven yourself to me, vampire,” King Larkin said. “And you have saved me countless monies going forward in assassination fees. You’re already an ambassador, thanks to Handler Fleffy, but I am going to pay you the ransom that was due to Bumache. It was also one hundred thousand in gold.”
“I still can’t believe that you were going to have my son killed.”
“King Tessan,” the king of Yezan said, “I am far happier to pay the ransom for the resolution that we came to instead of the one I was originally vying for.”
That seemed to appease everyone.
Paulie couldn’t believe what had happened. His world had literally changed in the course of a week, and all because he did what he believed was the right thing to do.
Not even a week ago he was a weak vampire living in a rundown townhouse next to a crappy neighbor, he was struggling to make ends meet, even to the point of sleeping in a cardboard box, and he had no friends to speak of.
Now he was wealthier than he could have ever imagined, he was an ambassador to Yezan and Argan, and he had made a friendship that would endure the ages.
Most of all, though, Paulie Vergen learned that he could do anything he put his mind to. No more would he live through the TV set. Now he would see the world first-hand. He would travel and explore, meet new people and study new cultures. His coven would never underestimate him again.
King Tessan and King Larkin shook hands and headed their separate ways.
“Paulie,” Burt said after everyone left the room. “I know that you’re all fancy and rich now, but I hope you’ll not forget about a lowly prince.”
Paulie laughed and patted Burt on the shoulder.
“What will you do now, Paulie?”
“Travel.”
<
br /> “I figured as much.”
“But first,” Paulie said, tapping his tooth, “I think I will get a dog.”
A LETTER TO PETUNIA (CONTINUED)
…and so you can see, my young Petunia, why I was delayed in writing you back. While it has been a trying time, it has also been rather rewarding, and not just financially.
I am now an ambassador for both Yezan and Argan. This diplomatic life is fitting wonderfully for me and I’m highly enjoying it. There is little better that I can think of than being paid to travel!
Currently, I’m in Argan since I came up with Burt just this morning. This time they’ve allowed me access to the main castle and everything, though I still have to keep hidden from the Upperworlders for now.
King Tessan is sitting me down with his home architect after lunch so they can design my new house. It’s very exciting though I still don’t feel that I deserve anything so extravagant just for being a friend.
I had asked if I could go to your esteemed Rangmoon in order to visit you in person, but the king explained that he first had to get me full access to the Upperworld, which would include a complete magical makeover every time I travel. That way I can blend in and nobody will be the wiser about my vampireness.
Prince Hughbarian, or “Burt,” as I still call him, got out of marrying the elf queen. Once the queen learned that he had been infected with Werewolfism, the marriage was called off. In order to avoid a political scandal, the papers were told that there was just no chemistry between the two.
Well, it seems that the lunch bell is chiming, so I will need to run now.
First, though, I want to leave you with a bit of advice.
My dearest Petunia, please be adventurous in your life. Young or old, don’t hide behind excuses. I’ve seen more, done more, and felt more in a single week than I have in my entire life. I won’t say that I wasn’t content before, but I certainly went to bed every morning feeling unsatisfied.
So, Petunia, I beg of you to travel, explore, build friendships, and take risks. Sometimes it may be downright terrifying and sometimes it may even hurt a fair bit, but as I have learned, there is nothing so painful as living in fear and mediocrity.
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 40