Gappy pointed to the window on the second floor. “The equipment is up there.” A sea of Dark Halfling eyes looked up. They all frowned, except for Grumbles. He just shook his head. “And there’s a lift that seals off the workshop from the bottom level. I know I’m smaller than you guys, but there’s no way you’re getting up there.”
“I hate smart people,” Huido grunted and then slammed his foot on the ground. “Always making my life difficult.”
“Oh right, like you destroying all of my equipment has made my life simple,” Gappy fought back. “Not to mention how much money it costs to replace everything.”
“That’s not my fault,” Huido defended. “You should have paid for protection.”
“I shouldn’t have to pay for protection.”
Huido took one more look up at the window and then turned around and told everyone to load back up in the truck.
“This ain’t over, Whirligig,” he said angrily. “You’ll see.”
“How we gonna get up there, boss?” Gappy heard Fingernails ask as the Halfia walked back to their truck.
“No idea.”
“Mummin’ fummin’ ladder.”
“Shut up, Grumbles,” Huido ordered.
“Hope this doesn’t get out,” said Fingernails. “Everyone will start putting their shops up high. Hate being short.”
“Mummin’ fummin’ ladder!”
Huido stopped. “How many times do I gotta tell you to shut up, Grumbles?”
“Mummin’ fummin’ damnin’ ladder!”
“Either say something I can understand, or keep your trap shut,” Huido said while pointing his finger at his henchman. Then he and Fingernails turned and walked away.
“Mummin’ fummin’ melroons,” Grumbles said to the air before turning to follow his boss.
Gappy had a feeling that Grumbles had determined a way up, but it wasn’t like anyone could understand a word he was saying. All that Gappy could hope for was that the Halfia member couldn’t write.
“They’ll be back, you know,” Shrit said.
“Yeah, I know.” He waited until the truck pulled down the driveway. “Until then, let’s get this stuff loaded upstairs. We have a contract for one hundred twisty handles … uh, doorknobs.”
“We do?” Shrit said, shocked.
Gappy handed over the contract and blueprints. “Got it today while at the hardware store.”
“That was fast.”
“Just fell into my lap, but it’ll certainly help put a good amount of money back into the business.”
“We should celebrate with some pizza,” Shrit said hopefully.
“Not that good an amount of money, Shrit.”
SUGAR AND SPICE
Moving the new tools into place was a snap with Shrit around. Not only could he easily carry the entirety of them, he was also able to reach up and set them on the second level floor without needing the lift.
Once they’d finished, Shrit hopped up through the opening and pulled himself the rest of the way because the lift couldn’t manage his weight. Gappy followed, using the lift.
“You do great work, Shrit,” Gappy said. “Honestly, I’m impressed.”
“You think so?”
“I do …” He stopped as the sound of a vehicle could be heard through the window. “Who do you think that could be?”
“Maybe those Halfia guys have come back already?”
Gappy walked over to the window and saw a long black Humbee pulling to a halt in front of the barn. A Human wearing a black suit and hat stepped out of the driver’s side, walked around to the opposite rear door, and opened it up.
“Uh oh,” Shrit said from above Gappy. “Looks like a Gnome woman.”
Gappy had never seen a Gnome that pretty before. He gulped.
“Maybe it’s another contract,” he said.
“That would be good.”
Gappy ran over to the lift and pressed the “down” button. It moved pretty quickly, but he jumped off it before it had reached the bottom. If it was a customer, he certainly didn’t want to keep her waiting.
“Good day to you,” Gappy said as he walked out of the barn door, happily finding the lady to be just as attractive from the ground level as she was from the window. Of course, he’d always had a thing for pink-haired ladies. “My name is Gappy Whirligig.”
“Tootz Gibdawdle,” she said in a voice that Gappy imagined daisies were made of. “I saw you on Barn Hunters, Mr. Whirligig. Not very many Gnomes in the area, so I thought I’d stop by and offer my regards.”
“Gibdawdle, you say?” Gappy replied. “I knew a Zebo Gibdawdle in grade school. You wouldn’t be any relation, would you?”
“He’s my nephew.”
“Small world,” said Gappy excitedly.
“Too small, sometimes,” Tootz replied, not sharing in his excitement.
“Nice to see someone else from Hubintegler.”
“Yes, Hubintegler,” she said sourly. “Not quite fond of that place. They don’t quite keep up with the times.”
“No arguing that, Ms. Gibdawdle.”
“What say we get past formality and go on a first-name basis? Please, call me Tootz.”
“And you may call me Gappy.” He pointed up at Shrit, who was still in the window. “This is my helper, Shrit.”
Shrit nodded and said, “Ma’am.”
Tootz shaded her eyes. “I’ve seen you before,” she said to Shrit.
“He was on Barn Hunters, ma’am,” offered Scrumptious.
“Yes, Scrumptious,” she said, “I’m aware of that. I’ve seen him somewhere else, though.” She then gestured at her assistant while looking at Gappy, “This is my assistant, Scrumptious.” The man tipped his hat and smiled. Tootz resumed her study of Shrit. “Where have I seen you?”
“I’ve had a few bit parts in B-movies,” he suggested.
“I don’t watch B-movies.”
“I’ve been on a couple of billboards,” he said, “but I was in costumes both times.”
“Wait a second,” she said, “weren’t you a bouncer at Stackowiak’s?”
“Only for a couple of weeks.” Shrit’s eyes widened and he snapped his fingers. “Hey, wait, ain’t you that lady who got me fired?”
Tootz looked instantly uncomfortable. “I don’t think so.”
“You sure?” Shrit said with a squint.
“Pretty sure. I’m not one who likes to make trouble for anyone.”
“Uh, ma’am …”
“Quiet, Scrumptious,” Tootz said tightly, “can’t you see we’re having a conversation here?”
“Sorry, ma’am.”
“Huh,” Shrit mused. “Must have been some other wealthy Gnome lady, then.”
The air settled as the sound of birds chirping took over the uncomfortable moment. Gappy wasn’t sure what to think. It was clear that Shrit thought he knew this lady, and she did have the look of someone who had been caught feeding Werewolves at the zoo. (This was just an unfortunate saying that came from the time when the Vampires of Viq and Vaq used to house Werewolves in shaded areas for the Vampire kids to come and look at them. It was mostly odd during the day since Werewolves were in non-doggy form during that time, and it was also when the grounds keepers had considered it bad form to throw treats at them.)
“Sorry,” Gappy said, “did you say Stackowiak’s?”
“Hmmm?” Tootz said as Shrit left the window. “Oh, yes, I forgot that you’re new in town. Stackowiak’s is a pub on the main street. Big into spirits.”
“You mean like mediums and fortune tellers?”
“No,” Tootz said as if calculating Gappy’s aptitude, “I mean alcohol.”
“Oh, right.”
By now, Shrit was standing in the doorway, and he seemed to be judging Tootz carefully. Gappy could only hope it wasn’t anything to do with trajectories and distance.
“It’s an interesting legend,” Tootz stated. “It goes that when the town of Planoontik was first founded, nobody knew how to ma
ke anything other than water.”
“Make water?” Gappy asked.
“Purify it. Don’t be so particular.”
“Sorry.”
“Anyway, one of the ladies who came into town knew a thing or two about wine. Rumor was she’d had more bottles of wine in her caravan than she had shoes.”
“So?”
“Women love shoes, Mr. Whirligig,” Scrumptious noted.
“They do?”
Shrit laughed. “Have you ever met any women, Gappy?”
“Well,” Tootz continued, “word got around that she had many bottles and so the locals thought to just go in and take what they wanted. Turns out, she was a tough broad who had a real issue with the prospect of parting with her wine. Also turns out that she did have a thing for shoes, because most of the would-be thieves found themselves dislodging said shoes from all sorts of areas in their person as they screamed and ran from her.”
“Wow.”
“Soon enough, though,” Tootz continued, “she’d put two and two together and started selling the bottles at a premium. Then she started charging bottle-sized prices for glasses of wine, and in less than a year she had shipments rollin’ in on a daily basis and Stackowiak’s landed on the map.”
“Sounds like quite a lady,” Gappy said in a voice of awe. “Is she still around?”
“Nah, Gappy,” Shrit answered before Tootz could, “this was a few hundred years back and she was a Human. They don’t live that long.”
“Right.”
“I guess that solves the mystery of where I saw you, my good Orc,” Tootz said cautiously.
“Seems so.” Shrit did not sound convinced about her recollection of the events.
“As I said,” Tootz said quickly, “I’m out here to introduce myself. It’s always good to have competition, after all.”
“Competition?” asked Gappy.
“You are starting a mechanical engineering firm, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Then we, Gappy, are competitors.” She reached out her hand and Scrumptious placed a business card in it, which she then handed to Gappy. “I own the only other engineering firm in town. It’s called Contraptions, LLC.”
Gappy felt a little awkward. “Oh, I see.”
“Now, don’t worry,” Tootz said with a laugh that Gappy didn’t feel sounded all that genuine, but it was certainly intoxicating. “There’s plenty of business around for everyone. Besides, competition is a good thing. It keeps us all on our toes.”
“I’m glad you feel that way,” he said.
“I do,” she replied. “What’s the name of your business?”
“I was thinking of calling it Gappy’s Gadgets,” he replied, hoping that the name sounded okay to her ears. Why he was worried about her thoughts, he couldn’t say. Validation, maybe?
Her face didn’t change. “That has a ring to it.”
“It’s not finalized yet, but I have to name it soon because I just got my first contract today.”
“Oh?” She coughed lightly. “That’s wonderful news.”
“Yes, it is. I was very excited. I’m building out one hundred twisty handles for a fellow by the name of Mr. Trapshure.”
Tootz visibly flinched at that, but she regained her form so quickly that Gappy had to replay the scene in his head. Yes, he decided, there was a definite flinch at the name Trapshure.
“That’s very interesting,” she said slowly. “A word of advice, if I may: Mr. Trapshure is a bit of what we call a late payer.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that he rarely pays on time and he can be very picky about the product he receives.”
“I see,” Gappy said. He hadn’t considered the business side of the, well, business.
She shrugged and then looked around at the front of the barn. “I know you’re just starting out here, but where is your business license?”
“Sorry?”
“Come now, Gappy, you’re starting a new business in Planoontik. In Hubintegler that’s all handled by the guild, but that’s not the way of things here. You have to apply for a license on your own.”
“I didn’t know,” he said, feeling dumber by the minute.
“There’s a lot you have to do,” she said directly. “You may want to open your GnomePad for this.” Gappy quickly pulled out his pad, created a new note file, and then nodded that he was ready. She read off the list so fast that it was all he could do to keep up. “You need to register your name with the city; get a business license; join the guild of engineers; join the woodworkers union; apply to electricians brigade; sign up to the mechanics junction; get a sign made; start a relationship with an accountant; talk to an attorney about creating contracts; and register your business with the Underworld Internal Revenue Service.”
By the time she’d finished, Gappy was beside himself. He had expected there to be a couple of things to manage, but this was ridiculous. It took him a few moments to realize that his jaw was slack.
“You honestly didn’t know all of this?” Tootz said with a smirk.
“No.”
“I see,” she said. “It can be rather daunting and it takes an iron constitution to see things through, Gappy. Business outside of Hubintegler is not for the faint of heart.”
“Thank you for letting me know all of this,” he replied as he again looked over the list. There would no doubt be more funds depleted from his wallet while working through the various items she’d mentioned.
“That’s why they call it ‘friendly competition,’ Gappy.” She cleared her throat and added, “So what is it that you’re planning to build?”
Gappy looked up at her. “Sorry?”
“I’m a Gnome, Gappy, remember?” Tootz said. “I know how things are. You don’t look a day over forty.”
“I’m forty-two,” he replied.
“And that means that you left town because you’re industrious,” Tootz stated.
Gappy nodded. “That’s what they all said about me.”
“If you left before the Age of Tinkering, then you’ve obviously got an invention in mind.”
He felt the blood flowing again as he thought of the Whirligig blueprints.
“It’s rather exciting,” he said mischievously.
“What is it, then?”
Her tone was almost demanding. That put Gappy instantly on his guard.
“I’m not sure I should say.”
“I agree,” Shrit stated. “You shouldn’t.”
“If you’re worried about me taking your idea, that would go against the rules of the local guild. Besides,” she added, batting her eyelashes,” like I said before, friendly competition, Gappy.”
“Gee, I don’t know.”
“Gappy, I build nothing but widgets and tools all day. It’s a boring life. Lucrative, certainly, but boring. I haven’t seen anything truly inventive since I left Hubintegler.”
“Is that so?” he said. “That’s sad.”
“Gappy …” Shrit started.
“You honestly can’t do anything with it?” Gappy asked Tootz while shading his eyes from the sun.
“It’s against the rules.”
“Gappy,” Shrit said, “you should keep it to yourself.”
“I appreciate your concern, Shrit, and I mean no offense, but you don’t know what it’s like to be a Gnome.”
“Apparently not,” Shrit said with a shake of his head.
Gappy looked at Tootz. “You promise to keep it to yourself?”
“You have my word.”
“Gappy …”
“She’s a Gnome, Shrit,” he said tersely. “We don’t betray each other.”
“Yeah, right.”
Gappy ran into the barn and took the lift up to grab the blueprints. He hadn’t shown them to another Gnome, other than his father, and he was excited to get an opinion of someone who had obviously seen success in the running of a mechanical engineering firm.
By the time he’d gotten back outside, it
was clear that Shrit was unhappy with what Gappy was doing. The Orc just stood there shaking his head. Tootz, on the other hand, was all smiles.
Gappy unrolled the blueprints on the front of her car and started pointing at the various pieces.
“Here we have the main rotor, which will have four blades attached via a drive shaft.” He slid his finger down a bit. “This is where the pilot sits. There are three seats here for passengers or cargo. Down here we have the engine compartment. The long tail goes back to a tail rotor that will have two blades that are used for turning.” He was so excited that it was all he could do to keep from hyperventilating. “I’m going to call it the Whirligig.”
Tootz nodded. “And this thing will fly?”
“I’m certain of it,” Gappy answered seriously.
“That’s amazing. I’d heard of something similar at one point, but I don’t think it’d ever been patented. This could make you a lot of money, Gappy.”
“I’m not worried about that,” Gappy said with a wave of his hand. Money was the root of all things that staunched creativity, in his mind, even if you needed money to properly market creative pursuits. “I just want to build it.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Tootz said.
“Not at all. My father always said that money can only take you so far.”
“Sounds like a wise man.”
“I don’t know about that,” Shrit said. “He didn’t check the hose for leaks.”
Tootz grimaced. “Excuse me?”
“My father died in an explosion,” Gappy said, giving Shrit a nasty look.
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that,” Tootz said. “Quite common in Hubintegler, though.”
“Yeah,” agreed Shrit, “cause they don’t check for leaks.”
“We get it, Shrit,” Gappy said irritably. “Thank you.”
Shrit just shrugged.
“Anyway, please don’t tell anyone about this, Tootz.”
“My lips are sealed.” She patted his hand and then looked at her watch. “Will you look at the time? I’ve an appointment to get to, Gappy, but it was a pleasure to meet you and I wish you well with your business.”
“Thanks again for your business advice, Tootz. I would have been quite lost otherwise.”
“My pleasure,” she said as Scrumptious helped her into the car. “Until next time.”
Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin) Page 61