“Just to eat?”
“Okay, that was the wrong thing to say. I got it. What do you usually eat?” I tried to change the topic away from me.
“I make myself something different every day. I pay close attention to varying the foods I eat so I don't eat one sided. Just like everyone should do.”
With that the topic was back on me. I was sitting across the table from a control freak. Was he so perfect that he was in a position to judge me? Did he never drive too fast, or say something he regretted or skip a meal?
Ryan got up and excused himself from the table. He came back a second later with a green unlabeled book. He had his hand laying on the book, like it was very important to him, like it was a Gutenberg Bible. “I want you to write down what you eat and drink.” His eyebrow raised as he said drink. “I also want you to write down the times you go to bed and get up in the morning. If you drive while you are tired, or drive over the speed limit, write that down too.” He laid the book on my side of the table.
“You expect me to cook? Because the way I cook it is healthier to order it in.”
“You make it sound like you are a shut in sometimes. Don't the others also eat or go on lunch breaks?”
“I work from home. I don't have to go in to work very often. I don't want to answer more questions about what I do.”
“Is it legal?”
“Yes. In all fifty states.” I smiled at him.
He beamed back at me. “Good. Just keep your diary and bring it back next week.”
“Umm – I wasn't planning on coming back next week. I'm sure what you – ” I took a deep breath, “did, will hold for a very long time. Heaven holds a place for me I'm sure.”
He laughed again. “I want you to come. I'll cook for you again.”
“Tempting but, no.”
“What part is tempting?”
“The food, of course.” I had to smirk at him. At least I was being honest with him.
“I'll just cook and if you show up you show up if you don't I'll have left overs. But if you do show up please bring your book. Writing in the book won't be a problem for you will it?”
“No, I think I can manage it. You want me to write my sins in here?” I lifted the cover and peered inside. It was blank lined paper. My name had been written inside the front cover. He had nice handwriting.
“How many women do you have filling out books for you at the moment?”
“That is none of your business. I'm just worried about you right now. I want you to write down what you are up to and that way you can see for yourself if you want to change your behavior. Remember, no coffee, and be to bed by ten. No exceptions. Is that clear?”
I didn't answer him.
“Do you already have conflicting plans? I'm not a monster. I understand about those things. Just tell me now or send me an e-mail, so there will be no surprises next week.”
“But I'm sincerely not coming, ever again.”
“We'll see.” He seemed so confident. He continued to eat. I had already finished my plate and drank my milk. He was drinking red wine. What a double standard.
“What is in this for you?” My eyes were squinting as I narrowed then in on him.
“I like to help people help themselves. Give them that last bit of motivation that they need. I believe that you are a very strong person who stands completely behind the product that you sell, but you need a little incentive to think about yourself too, and to take proper care of yourself.”
“So we are going to sit down and read my diary. And I would get punished if you read something you don't like. Be honest with yourself, would you show up knowing that?”
That had him laughing again. “I won't spank you without your permission. Didn't I prove that today?”
“Nevertheless feel free to make other plans.” I was ready to leave now but he hadn't finished eating yet. I wished he would, so I could go. We both knew that he was doing it on purpose.
“Just keep the book even if you don't come back.” The idea of my not coming back was ticking him off. He couldn't hide it anymore. Did he have a record that I would break if I didn't come back, or was I like the 25th person he had spanked, or even more?
“I have to go before I'm missed.” Again we both knew it was a lie, but I didn't think he would call me on it.
“Are you sure you don't want more?”
I nodded.
“I could pack some up for you to take along that you could have for lunch tomorrow?”
I laughed. “Let me guess, you would want the bowl back.”
He laughed too. “I think I could find something I could spare.” He jumped right up and started putting food in an old margarine tub. He piled the food high. What was with this guy? Beat 'em and fed 'em. Was that his motto?
“Should I help you wash up?”
“No, that's okay. Thank you for offering but it is probably best for you to go home and sleep some more. You are feeling alright about driving home?”
I nodded.
“Fish your keys out now, where you have light.” He waited while I did.
I was feeling eager to leave now.
“I'll bring you to your car. It's pretty dark out tonight.” He looked worried about my safety. I didn't think that there was anything out there that was more dangerous than him.
He opened the door so I could get in. Then handed me his home cooking. This man was a contradiction in terms. If he ever made a personal add it would get a lot of people's attention.
A spanking good cook looking for a naughty eater.
I smiled thinking that and he smiled back, thinking I had smiled at him, when in truth I had smiled about him. I laid the food down on the seat next to me and then he gave me my green book. I wondered if he had different colors for different women. It seemed likely.
“Please, just try it.” He closed my car door and stepped back.
I drove home and fell into bed, completely exhausted. I got up in the middle of the night, and checked the damage. I was all red and sore. I cried again when I saw it. I went back to bed to cry myself to sleep.
Chapter 4 Dear Diary
I woke up at seven the next morning. I made myself some oatmeal. While I ate, in standing, I recorded when I had gone to bed and when I had gotten up. Pretty boring stuff.
I thought of ways to spice my diary up. Normally I would start working first thing in the morning, booting my computer up while I got my breakfast. Today I took the time to shower and get dressed before I started my computer. I piled a couple of pillows on my chair. I felt like working on my domestic violence book. I wrote until one in the afternoon. Then I got up and put the food he had given me into the microwave and heated it up. I ate and reread what I had written today. It was so much better than what I had written before.
At four o'clock I decided to go shopping and buy real food. It would be a good break. Most days I didn't take a break at all. I pushed my shopping cart around and bought fruit and vegetables. I bought some chicken and other meat. I went home and actually cooked myself something healthy.
I was in bed by nine.
Wednesday – woke up at seven and made a healthy oatmeal breakfast. Had leftovers for lunch with water. There was no coffee added to the water to improve the taste. Fruit salad for supper. Bed at nine.
Thursday – Woke at seven again. That's when I pretty much always wake up because the neighbors kids get up then. I will just write the time if it varies from that. Oatmeal again. It takes a lot for me to get sick of it. Made meatloaf and potatoes for lunch. I throw in an onion and a cooked eggplant. Left over meatloaf for supper. Bed at ten, on the dot. Lights out at quarter after ten.
Friday – Eggs and ham, not green but normal colored. Spaghetti for lunch. Fruit started looking like it needed to be used up quickly. Ergo fruit salad for supper. Bed by eight.
P.S. Two chocolate chip cookies as a snack in the afternoon with milk (skim milk). Otherwise I drank water. Lots of water. You know, like smokers chew gum to replace the m
issing cigarette, I have been drinking water to satisfy sipping need.
Saturday – Oatmeal and a glass of milk. Lunch was chicken and steamed broccoli. Supper leftover chicken. Bed at six.
Sunday – Sick just drank water. Stayed in bed.
Monday – See Sunday.
Tuesday – A small portion of oatmeal. Lunch a small portion of eggplant meatloaf that I defrosted in the microwave.
I still felt sick as I got in my car, but I longed to get out of my apartment. I drove to his house with my book. He opened the door right away. I hoped I could sit down again soon. It had been too early for this kind of trip. I would probably fall asleep on his sofa again. I hadn't talked to anyone at all this week except the woman at the cash register at the grocery store on Wednesday. He was the last real person that I talked to.
“Come in.” He gave me an odd look. He looked mad. “Have you been sleeping at all?” he asked as he closed the door behind us.
“That's all I have been doing.” I held out my book to him, as I eyed the sofa. I wasn't sure how long I could stand. How rude would it be to just go over to it and lie down.
He sighed, opened my book, glanced at it and then his hand shot to my forehead. He walked me to the sofa and sat me down. I leaned into the back of it and closed my eyes. He could read in peace now, I thought. I heard him chuckle a little. I wasn't so sure what I had all written.
“Do you want to kick off your shoes and nap a little?” he asked.
“Okay.” There was no fight in me today. Boy, did I ever want that.
He covered me up with a blanket and I was gone, off to dreamland.
It was dark again when I woke up.
He was sitting next to me reading a book. He liked to read. We had something in common. Or maybe he was just reading because he was afraid to turn the TV on because I was sleeping here.
“You're awake.” He moved over to the coffee table, sitting on it as he laid his hand on my forehead. “Now why were you out when you had a fever?”
I looked at him confused. I thought he wanted me to come. “This was too much for me. I can't follow what you are saying.”
“Soup?” His face gave me the impression like he really wanted me to eat the soup.
“Okay.” I pushed the blanket to the side but he replaced it with his much stronger hands.
“You get to eat on the sofa today.” He said this like children say, the circus is in town.
“What if I spill?” Would he punish me for that?
“I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to take care of you.” He left to get some soup.
I laid back down as I waited for him to come back.
He had the bowl in his hands as he came back. He sat down on the coffee table and put a bit of soup on the spoon.
“I don't understand. I was feeling better this morning than I do now. I even ate like you wanted.”
“That's because fevers rise in the evenings.”
“I shouldn't be bothering you with this. I'll go now.” I started moving the blanket off of me again. I felt a chill and shivered.
He set the bowl down and covered me up again. He easily moved me so I was sitting up. “If you could even stand up right now that would impress me,” he mumbled. He brought the spoon to my lips and I took a sip. He was feeding me.
I tried to remember driving here. I could remember it. I remembered parking too. Everything was alright. After five spoonfuls I shook my head and laid down again. “Just kick me out, when you want me to go.” I fell asleep again.
I felt a lot better the next time I woke up. There was a note on the coffee table along with a plate of food and the remote control for the TV. I sat up and read the note.
Katherine, please stay here. I will
be home soon. You are in no condition
to drive. I will be back in time to
make you lunch. Just watch TV.
Ryan
I got up and searched for a bathroom. I had to go through his bedroom to get to it. I made sure I left everything the way I found it. I laid back down on the sofa. I had a bit if a headache. I nibbled on a piece of toast as I looked for something decent to watch on TV, but I gave up after finding nothing that interested me. I went back to sleep.
I could hear him in the kitchen when I woke the next time. I tried to sit up again but it was too much work. I looked around the room as my eyes watered. Ryan had lots of books. He seemed to be a Shakespeare fan. He probably went to a lot of plays because he had a lot of theatre programs.
Ryan came in with another bowl which he set down. He pushed aside my breakfast things and the remote. Then he helped me so I was sitting up. He was spoon-feeding me again. “Wait stop. What day is today?”
“It's Wednesday. Is there some place you have to be today? Should I call someone or get you the phone so you can call someone? I don't want to see a picture of you on the six o'clock news.” He looked so worried.
“No one is going to look for me yet.”
He looked puzzled by that, but he continued to feed me. Eating was tiring me out. I napped again.
I woke an hour later. He was sitting on the sofa with me. My feet were on his lap and he was still reading his book. Maybe I should recommend one of my books. My picture wasn't on them. My mom had been mad about that. She wanted to brag.
“Now you do have a good reason to spank me. Talk about your uninvited guests.”
“You're awake. That's great. We can try to get some more food into you. Or do you have to go to the bathroom again.”
“Again?”
“I noticed that you were in there already.”
I gave him an odd look. I had been so careful not to disturb anything while I was in there.
“You really were. The towel was moved. I'll help you up.” His strong hands helped me to my feet. Ryan didn't let go of me as he led me to the bathroom. He brought me to the counter and let go. He left closing the door behind him.
I went as quick as I could. I washed my face and dried it with a towel. I could see what he meant about the towel. It was folded backwards. I did it up right this time. I had a feeling that he could be one of those people who needed to have everything just so.
He was on the phone when I came out, talking to a doctor about my condition. He referred to me as his girlfriend. What else could he say?
He saw me after he hung up. “I talked to a doctor. He wants you to drink a lot more water. Come and sit down on the sofa.”
“I can't impose on you like this. You have been great, but this is just asking too much of anyone.” I was leaning on the wall to support myself.
“I love having you here. Don't make me beg you to stay. I really can't let you go. You are very sick. What would you have done if you didn't know me?” He was all worried again.
“I would have stayed in bed, and drank plenty of water.”
He gave me a look like, he thought, I would have died. I wouldn't have. I have been sick before and I had always lived. You just had to force yourself up and around. Every day a little more. I was used to being on my own. Living in a different country taught you how to take care of yourself.
“Let me help you to the sofa.” He had given up fighting with me. Once he had me on the sofa he gave me another odd look. “Do you know anyone around here other than me?”
He had hit a sore note. I clenched my teeth. “Not yet.” I debated leaving, but he had been right about my needing help back to the sofa. I was deeply embarrassed now. He was asking the same thing that my cousin had said. She was right too. I had no one. Here I was sick and the only person I could turn to was the guy who spanked me.
“I don't think I have ever met a woman who needed me more.” He sat down and laid his arm around me.
“I'll leave as soon as I can. I'm sorry I am being such a burden to you. I can't believe I did this to you. You must be completely overwhelmed.”
“Hey, I already said I enjoy having you here. What more do I have to say to make you believe me?”
I
turned away from him. Why was I with him when I should be concentrating on a normal and healthy relationship? I needed to try to make friends. That had always been something that I didn't excel at. I watched people, more than I interacted with them. Then I went home and wrote about them like I knew what I was talking about. The critics talked about my insight. I fooled them all. Just him I couldn't fool.
“It's just that I have been working on several projects and I want to see where they might take me. I don't have that bad of a deadline but I want to see them realized too. I put the pressure on myself. Maybe after they are all finished I could take a break.”
“Please, take better care of yourself. If you won't do it than let me do it for you.”
I didn't know what to say but he looked so worried. I was embarrassed that I needed help.
“I don't want you to feel bad about anything. I even think, that you were very brave moving someplace new, all by yourself. That takes a lot of guts. Don't be so hard on yourself.”
“The right one is saying that. You believe I need to be spanked at every turn.”
“Hey, just because you are sick doesn't give you the right to be rude to me. I'm warning you. Don't start in being sarcastic.”
“See. You just proved my point.” I leaned into his chest. I felt like taking a nap on him. I was going crazy. It was official now. I was a crazy woman.
“No, you may not sleep anymore. The doctor said you needed lots of water.” He reached for a glass from the table. “Drink as much as you can.”
I took it from him with both of my hands. I drank it down slowly. He refilled it and made a movement with his hand that I should drink that one down too. I did. “Can I sleep now?”
“No, it's time for my no noodle chicken soup. This will help you regain your strength.”
He even let me feed myself today. He turned on the TV and we watched sitcoms. I had missed them all because they didn't air in Germany. Americans are so much more funny than Germans. I was laughing so hard that I was crying.
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