by Ella Grey
Somehow, the calm, mature, adult way they were dealing with the situation made things much harder. In some ways, she longed to have a screaming match with him, hoped he would act like the typical cheating scumbag by begging for her forgiveness and swearing that he would never do it again.
But Josh didn’t do that. He seemed to calmly accept that their relationship was over, kept telling her that he would go along with whatever she wanted to do.
“Whatever makes you happy,” he said, and Leah thought mournfully that it would be a long time before anything made her happy again.
In the meantime, she had thrown herself into work at the shop, experimenting with different flavours, textures and producing way more fresh chocolate than could possibly be sold.
She wasn’t particularly looking forward to this get-together at Kate’s house tonight though. The invitation had been issued ages ago, and much as she needed to get away from her own company and her own thoughts, she wasn’t sure that it would do her any good.
But when Leah and Olivia reached the house that evening, Kate seemed in flying form.
“Dylan’s fast asleep,” she said gleefully upon their arrival and, despite her own heavy heart, she was gladdened to see her friend looking much better.
This time she was fully dressed, although clearly she wasn’t yet back to herself, the shapeless tracksuit hanging off her rakish frame. By contrast, and in an effort to make herself feel better, Leah’s hair was freshly styled, and she was wearing a bright multi-coloured Pucci-style top over blue jeans. Blast it, she’d thought, she might as well look as though she was coping.
“Come through,” Kate said, leading them through to the kitchen, which normally spotless and uncluttered, had now been taken over completely by baby-related appliances and paraphernalia. There were babygros drying on the radiator, stacks of Milupa lined against the wall, a whole vat of Johnson’s baby powder on the counter-top, and enough nappies to cover every baby born in Ireland for the next twenty years. Who’d have thought babies needed so much? Leah thought eyes widening, as she tried to take it all in.
“Now, I thought I’d get Dylan down much earlier,” she twittered, “and I completely underestimated how long it would take to get dinner organised. So, if you two don’t mind, do you think we could order Thai or Chinese or something?”
“Fine by me,” Leah said easily, and took a seat at the table alongside Olivia.
“Me too.”
“Great. Now where did I put that menu – although at this stage Michael and I know it almost off by heart and …” She stopped, only then sensing the atmosphere. “What’s wrong?”
“Josh and I have broken up,” Leah said, as calmly as she could muster. “I just wanted to let you know, and I don’t want my problems to get you all down. I came here tonight to try and forget about it – so Kate, don’t look like that.”
“But – but, when did this happen? More to the point what happened?” Kate spluttered, sitting down alongside her. “No, hold on – don’t tell me anything yet – I’ll open a bottle first.”
As Kate rummaged in the fridge, Olivia gave Leah’s hand a reassuring squeeze. She didn’t want to have to relive the whole scenario, but it was clear she didn’t have much of a choice.
“The stupid …!” Kate exclaimed, when Leah explained about the tape. “How could he?”
Leah didn’t need anyone to rant and rave about Josh’s betrayal: she was still trying her best to make sense of all of this, was trying to come to terms with how, if he loved her, he could still cheat on her.
Whereas could only ever see things in black and white – for her, grey just didn’t exist.
“Everyone has moments of madness and can do things they wouldn’t normally dream of doing. Some people aren’t as strong as you are, Kate.”
“There’s something else,” Leah said, refusing to look at them. “He told me that the night of the launch party, he was planning to propose.” She paused, trying to blink back the tears. It was this admission that had got to her the most. “But once he met up with her he …”
“Changed his mind?” Kate cut in and, seeing how much her remark stung, softened her tone. “Look, I’m sorry – I’m not trying to hurt you. But even you have to admit that it was a bit convenient of him to mention this when he was looking for forgiveness.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Josh never once asked me for forgiveness, he never once tried to explain his guilt away. All he asked was that I understand that he loves me and that he made a big mistake. He seemed to accept that he had messed things up and he didn’t ask me to take him back.”
People did make mistakes, didn’t they? And didn’t some couples go on after infidelity? Didn’t they work even harder as a result? Didn’t they forgive and forget?
Olivia nodded. “At the end of the day, you’re the one that knows him best. You said before that you feel like you know him inside out. Do you believe that he is genuinely sorry for what has happened? Do you believe him when he says that he loves you, that he’s always loved you and that he simply made a mistake? Do you think you can forgive and forget?”
Leah was silent for a moment. Those were the questions she’d been asking herself and she knew in her heart of hearts that her answer was of utmost importance.
“Do you think you can forgive him?” Olivia asked again.
It took Leah an age to speak.
“I don’t know … I … think so,” she answered hoarsely.
“Oh, come on!” Kate put her head in her hands in blatant disbelief. “Olivia’s hardly the best person to be giving advice, is she?”
“Despite what you might think,” Olivia said, her tone measured and calm, “I have no problems with forgiveness – in fact, I think it’s good for the soul. Leah’s entitled to ask my opinion and I’m entitled to give it.”
Kate sniffed. “You two are unbelievable. Is there anything you wouldn’t forgive, Olivia? Speaking of which, I see our old buddy is finally returning to the fold too, fresh from making money out of other people’s problems. Typical, wouldn’t you say? Here’s an idea, Leah, why don’t you ask Robin how to deal with this? I’m sure she’d only be too delighted to give you advice – before turning around and stabbing you in the back.”
Leah shook her head sadly. “I really thought that motherhood might soften you up a bit, Kate, but no, you’re the same unforgiving, bitch you’ve always been.”
“What? I’ve only ever tried to stick up for you two …”
Kate just couldn’t comprehend that sometimes people made mistakes, that it was inevitable, human nature, a simple fact of life. “We’re not in college any more, and things are bad enough without your judgmental attitude.”
“What? I can’t believe you two sometimes! How long are you going to keep defending her, forgiving her …”
“She was thousands of miles away,” Olivia interjected calmly. “It would have been impossible – ”
“It’s not impossible to come home to promote her crappy book though, is it? And yet she wouldn’t dream of coming home for a funeral.”
“That was all a long time ago,” Olivia said calmly, “and I’ve forgotten all about it – I’ve let it go, so why can’t you?”
“Because I just can’t!” Kate cried, and Leah was taken aback by how vehemently she felt – still. “So much for our friendship - our grand summer reunion.”
“Don’t you think that maybe Robin’s suffered too?” Leah asked. “When was the last time you spoke to her? Five, six years?”
“I have nothing to say to her, not now, not ever and certainly not when she comes over here on her ‘rub our noses in it’ tour.”
“Kate, that’s crazy,” Olivia said, laying a soothing hand on her arm. “There’s no point. Robin is Robin and,” she shrugged, “I’m sure she has her own regrets. It’s in the past. And we have to let it go.”
Still, Leah wondered then, as she listened to her friend trying to persuade Kate to forgive and forget, would Olivia – the str
ongest and most magnanimous person she had ever known – be so willing to do the same once she came face to face with Robin again?
46
It had been seven long years since she’d seen the place, and still Robin didn’t miss it.
Too many bad memories, she supposed, looking tentatively around the arrivals area of Dublin airport. Too many painful reminders of everything that had gone wrong in her life since university, and not enough positives to balance things out.
Still, it would have been nice to have had the time to go home to Waterford this weekend but because this would be a very short stay, her mum was traveling up on the train to visit her.
Having obtained the obligatory shin-bashing from the golf-club brigade at the carousel, which really helped her mood, Robin eventually claimed her luggage and made her way through customs. She paused slightly before coming through to the arrivals area. Would she recognise anyone? Worse – would anyone recognise her? Oh, come off it, she admonished herself. Who do you think you are – Madonna? Of course no-one would recognise her – no one knew she was here yet even.
Now, sitting in a taxi and heading towards her city-centre hotel, Robin thought back to the last summer in Dublin before graduation. Back before she and her friends went out into the big bad world, and everything went a little crazy.
They had all been so confident, so cheerful so optimistic. They all knew where they were going, and what they wanted to do, and despite their petty little differences, were so sure that they would honour their reunion plans, so certain that the friendship would stay the same forever.
Didn’t any of them Robin thought, feeling a curious mixture of sadness and regret as they drove along O’Connell Street, realise how naïve they had been?
Later that evening Leah was discussing something with Alan, when, outside the store, she caught sight what had to be an apparition.
The features were the same, the hair was the same but a little longer, but this girl was way too stylish and way too confident to be the same.
“Oh my gosh!” she cried, racing outside. “It’s really is you, isn’t it?”
Robin smiled nervously. “Hi, I was going to phone, but I didn’t have the number and I wasn’t sure …” She trailed off, as Leah reached forward and engulfed her in a huge hug.
“I can’t believe you’re actually here!” Tears sprang to her eyes. She had known Robin was coming home of course, but at the same time, it didn’t seem real. After all these years, after all this time … she couldn’t comprehend how great it was to see her again.
“I know, it’s strange for me too. The city’s changed quite a bit since I was last here.” Robin raised an eyebrow. “What’s with that big flagpole on O’Connell Street?”
Leah laughed. “Not quite the Chrysler building, is it?”
“No, not quite,” Robin grinned.
“When did you get in? Where are you staying? Are you here for long and …oh, for goodness’ sake, listen to me rabbiting on. Come inside, I have to stay and work late this evening unfortunately, otherwise we could go for a drink. Don’t worry,” she added, when Robin looked slightly wary, “there’s nothing dangerous in there. The chocolates are all behind glass or boxed up. Everything else is safely locked away out back.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean –”
“Don’t be silly. It’s fine. Actually, I’m in discussion at the moment with my suppliers about introducing some nut-free and diabetic chocolate. It’s amazing, years ago you were the only allergy sufferer I knew – these days I’m getting non-stop enquiries.”
Robin smiled. “We’re a pain in the butt, aren’t we?”
“Not at all.” Leah led the way through the shop, anxious to show off her little empire to this new, stylish and mature Robin. As it was teatime there was a bit of a lull in custom, so they could at least have a bit of an uninterrupted chat.
“I’m impressed,” Robin said, checking out Leah’s elaborate displays. “These look good enough to make me want to take a chance.”
“Ah, I wouldn’t recommend it,” Leah grimaced, before adding wickedly, “Then again, if you really want to die happy …”
The two girls laughed.
“So where are you staying?”
Robin smiled, as if a little embarrassed. “They put me up in the Westin. It’s fabulous – way too good for me. Irish hotels have come a long way since I left, I can tell you.”
“Well, you’re hot property now – a famous author and all that.”
“I’m not a famous author. To be honest, I’m not even an author. I just got lucky and happened to be in the right place at the right time, that’s all.”
“That’s hardly true. You were always good at stringing words together, Robin. In college, you were always the one with the interesting theories and subject matter. Professor Hughes was mad about you.”
“Perhaps.” Robin wasn’t convinced, and then Leah realised that her friend hadn’t changed that much after all – she was still the same reticent and insecure Robin she’d always been. This was strangely comforting.
“So, what about you?” Robin asked. “Are you and Josh still – ”
Leah’s face clouded. “Yes, but I don’t want thoughts of that idiot to bring me down. Things are bad enough as it – hey,” she broke off, remembering. “I was cheesed off earlier, because Kate cried off from my birthday dinner and – ”
“Don’t worry, I hadn’t forgotten. It’s just with this jet-lag I’m not sure what day I have. Happy Birthday.”
“But you’ll come out tomorrow night to celebrate, won’t you?” Leah asked.
Robin paused. “I suppose so.” But she looked a little worried.
“Don’t worry, it won’t be a big bash or anything - just dinner and a few drinks. Problem is, I’ve booked Thai so –”
“Oh, don’t worry honestly. It’s your birthday after all.”
“You don’t seriously think it matters to me where we eat, do you? I haven’t seen you so long. And with all your success, this is as much a celebration for you as it is for me.” She reached under the counter-top for the telephone directory. “Now, I’ll just make some enquiries and see what we can get.”
“Are you sure? I feel awful – it’s your night and now you have to go and rearrange things for me.”
“I said don’t be silly,” Leah said, tucking the handset under her chin as she dialled. “You’d do the same for me.”
After a few failed attempts, she finally located a different restaurant, a nice place near the seafront in Dun Laoghaire, which would be a bit of a trek for Robin but handier for Olivia.
“So what are your plans for the weekend?” Leah asked. “I’m taking the day off tomorrow so if you want to do some shopping or anything …”
“Well, Mum’s coming up to visit at some stage and I’m doing – I think it’s called TV3 –” she looked at Leah for confirmation, “on morning Monday at eight.” She groaned. “But tomorrow, I only have a couple of newspaper interviews before lunch and after that I’m free.”
“Great! Let me know what time and I’ll pop in and meet you at the hotel.” She hugged Robin once more, thrilled to see her again. “The Westin, eh?” she laughed. “Haven’t you come a long way.”
47
On her return to the hotel, Robin sat in the taxi deep in thought. She stared out the window, hardly seeing the places and landmarks of this city that had once been so familiar to her.
Should she do it? she wondered. Should she go while she was here – while she had the chance?
But what if she bumped into Olivia? Although that was highly unlikely. But there was always the possibility that someone else could notice her and then mention something to Olivia, so should she –
Oh, for goodness’ sake, Robin, admonished herself, after seven years in Manhattan you’d think you’d know better. This is Dublin, not a tiny little village.
Feeling a sudden burst of nervous energy, Robin sat forward. It was now or never and she had to do it. She w
ould never forgive herself otherwise.
“I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind. Can you take me out to Shankill instead, please?”
The taxi-driver looked at her as though she was mad. “Love, it’s late-night shopping and we’re on the outskirts of town – it’ll take us a good forty minutes to get all the way out there.”
“I know and I’m sorry,” Robin replied, “but I really need to go back.”
“Your money, pet.” He shrugged and went to do a U-turn.
She said nothing more for the rest of the journey, as she tried to convince herself she was doing the right thing. Then, about thirty-five minutes later, they reached the turn-off.
The taxi-driver tapped his steering wheel to the beat of the music on the radio, not having any idea that he was echoing the quick tempo of Robin’s heart.
“So whereabouts will I drop you, love?” he asked when they entered the village.
Her heart fluttered as though it was struggling to keep beating. “Shanganagh, please,” she replied, her voice heavy with emotion, “Shanganagh Cemetery.”
48
“Hello Robin.” Olivia’s voice was calm and neutral as she approached the restaurant table. She reached across to give her old friend a hug. “It’s great to see you again.”
“Good to see you too.” Robin half-stood up from her chair and returned the brief embrace. The greeting was warm but, still she wasn’t sure what to think or how to behave. Her friend had aged, as had the rest of them, but as always Olivia possessed an air of calm serenity which somehow never seemed to falter.
Not even now.
“Matt, you know Leah of course, and this is another friend, Robin,” Olivia said by way of introduction. “We were all in college together and Robin’s just back from New York. Remember, I told you about the children’s book she wrote?”
“Hey, Leah, Happy Birthday.” Matt waved a greeting. “Pleased to meet you, Robin, and congratulations on your book. New York’s a great city, have you lived there long?”