by Saylor Bliss
Even God doesn't want me.
No one does.
I hear my bedroom door open, and Lucas walks in. He throws his keys on the desk. I forgot to put my keys in the bowl when I got home. Just another thing to add to the list of shit I fuck up. I can hear his soft breathing from the doorway. He flicks on the light overhead and then flicks it back off. I curl tighter, praying he won't see me. That he will just leave me be.
Go away, Lucas
Don't go, Lucas.
God, why didn't I just crawl in the bed when I came in? At least then, I could pretend to be asleep.
Because you're stupid.
Yeah, maybe I am.
“Charlee? Come here, babe.” Lucas pulls gently on my shoulder, drawing me to him. I go, because I can't say no. I crave the comfort, even while I tell myself I don't deserve it.
This isn't the first time someone has seen me break down. Even if I don’t have tears flowing down my cheeks, I am still a mess, and I am sure it won't be the last time. I have tried to tell him he doesn't want to be my friend. Hell, I don't even like me. How can I expect someone else to? He doesn't listen though.
Thank God.
“What happened? Do I need to break out my baseball bat or the cookies and milk?” he asks, and I shake my head no.
“Okay, no baseball bat.” A small chuckle escapes me. I don't know where it comes from. It just bubbles up from within me, betraying me with its light tinkle.
“Here. Eat some cookies and milk and talk to me. I know you don't want to, but we both know it helps.”
I grab a cookie and dip it in the glass of milk. I don't drink milk. It upsets my stomach, but I can't eat cookies unless I dip them in it. Most people would prefer to have a glass of wine or a beer right now, but I learned a long time ago that alcohol would not help any problem. It usually just made it a hell of a lot worse, especially for someone who suffers from depression. Since alcohol is a natural depressant, it's a big no-no for me.
“What’s wrong, Charlee?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do. Every single night I’m home, I lie in that bed across the hall, and I listen to you, and it tears me to pieces. I don’t know what’s hurting you, baby, but I am here for you. No matter what. I don’t care if that means you need me as a friend or more. Whatever you need, I am here.”
“Thank you. I just don’t know what to do with it all sometimes. It builds up inside of me until it can’t anymore, and the only way to let it out is to cry.”
“I understand that, baby. I do, but let me help you before it builds up. Before it becomes so much that you feel the need to cry.”
“I’ll try, Lucas. I can’t promise you anything, but I will try.”
“That’s all I ask,” he says before kissing me against me on my head and leaving me to get some much-needed rest. Tomorrow, he will be at the field all day, and Ill be alone with Everly, but that’s okay. I like my solitude. Sometimes, I even crave it.
Sunday comes and goes in a blur of last-minute preparations for the first day of my individualized photography class. These classes are smaller. Only around thirty people got in, and in order to even qualify, you had to have passed the first part of the class with a B average or above.
I didn’t see Lucas at all today, but he did text me.
Once.
To let me know that he was thinking of me, and he hoped I was thinking of him as well. I replied that I was, and then I didn't hear from him again. I thought of texting him back again later that afternoon, but I didn't want to come across as needy or pushy, so I turned my phone off and stuck it in the desk drawer.
I pulled it out twenty minutes later and powered it back on, hoping he had texted, but he hadn't, so I turned it off again. I did that at least a dozen times before I gave up and just left it on. I mean, what’s the point in turning it off, really? Finally, around seven, I put Everly down for bed and get ready for bed myself.
I shower and yawn as I pull the comforter up close, but the moment the lights are out, my mind awakens. I lie in the bed for hours, thinking over everything I did. Everything I said Saturday. Wondering where I screwed up. Because that's what had to happen. Why else is he not calling? What other reason is there?
Loneliness is my friend at night, when the darkness creeps in and the looming pain of emptiness fills my every crevice. It’s times like this when I realize that it’s pointless. It's pointless to try anymore, because I have already lost myself completely. Its three am and I have lost the ability to sleep, and I can't even cry over the loss because I don't even care.
The alarm goes off sometime later, and I realize I must have finally fallen asleep. I slap at the snooze button before crawling from the bed and getting ready for my first day of school. Walking out the front door, I hear my phone ding, and then a smile stretches across my face when I see his name.
Lucas: Good morning, beautiful. Have a great day.
I tuck it back into my pocket, deciding to wait before I text back. Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
The first part of the day flies by, and before I know it, it's time for lunch. I head to the yogurt bar, where I told Ashlin I would meet her. I see her sitting at a round table with two others girls when I walk in, so I grab an apple and a cheese stick and go join them.
“Charlee! Hey, this is Anna and this is Britney. We met in Art this morning.”
“Hi.” I wave while biting into my apple. I am not usually the type of girl who belongs to big groups of friends, so I don't really know what to say. Luckily, they seem to be happy to chat amongst themselves and ignore me and Ashlin for the most part.
“So. Have you heard from Mr. Bouchard?” Ashlin asks.
“Yea. He texted me this morning, but I haven't replied yet,” I tell her and pull out my phone to text him when blondie number one interrupts.
“Lucas? You know Lucas Bouchard?” she asks.
“Um, yeah.” I reply cautiously.
“Oh that is so cool! Have you met Kirsten? I heard she is so freaking awesome, but she doesn't live here anymore. Not since she had the baby.” I feel the blood rush from my head. My heart starts beating frantically. I wipe my hand repeatedly on my jeans while I try to muster the will to ask who is Kirsten is.
“Who’s Kirsten?” Ashlin beats me to it, and a second later, I wish she never would have asked. I wish I could go back in time ten seconds and just get up and leave the table. I didn't want to know. Really, I didn't. I knew. I just knew it was too good to be true.
“Uh, his wife? Duh. They have been married for like five years now? Right, Britney?”
“Yea, about that. She had the baby like two years ago, in November,” Britney said.
The pounding in my ears is blocking out all other noise. I can't hear Britney or Anna anymore. I see Ashlin's lips moving. She’s asking if I’m all right.
No.
No, I am not.
He travels around the country for baseball. He’s always been so fucking good with Everly. He didn't mention a baby. Or a wife, but it's possible.
It makes sense.
It makes no sense.
Fucking idiot.
Stupid, stupid girl.
I stand. The floor is spinning in a million circles, and all I want is to lie down and wait for it to quit moving, but Britney and Anna are sitting there staring at me like I’m some kind of carnival attraction. I have to get out of here. I think I say it out loud, but I'm not sure. I turn the way I think I came in, and I run. I don't look back to see if Ashlin is following me. I can't stop. I run as fast as I can through the halls to the nursery. Taking the time to place Everly in her car seat and to walk down the stairs, across the courtyard to the parking lot takes everything I have in me. Finally, I throw the door open to my room and fall into my bed. I bury my face deep in the covers, and for the first time in over a year, I cry.
And cry
and cry
and cry.
The tears won't stop.
Falling...
Falling...
Falling...
Drowning me.
Suffocating me.
Destroying me.
I should have known. I should have guessed it. I'm not allowed to be happy.
I'm not allowed to feel.
And boy, did I feel it.
I felt it all.
Every moment.
Every word.
Every touch.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
ONE.
I still feel them.
Let it go, she whispers lovingly.
I let it go.
Chapter Sixteen
Lucas
My phone whistles at me, and my heart immediately goes into overdrive. I pull my phone from my back pocket and see it’s Aaron, not Charlee. I draw in a breath and laugh at myself. "Desperate much?" I mutter under my breath.
"It’s about time you showed up, " Aaron bellows at me as I reach the bar.
"Honestly, I would have stayed with her all night."
"You are so whipped."
"No. I am not," I reply in what is almost a growl.
"Easy there, Tiger. I'm only messing with you."
"I know, man. There's just something about her that I can't place."
"She's hot," Aaron replies, taking another swig of his beer. I just roll my eyes.
"Well. Yes. She is, but there is so much more. The way her eyes sparkle when she laughs. The way her hips sway when she walks, and the way she finds the light even in the darkest of souls.”
"You have lost your mind. Do you even hear yourself?"
"Of course I do."
"You sure? Because I don't think you've ever said that about any women. Even Emily Barnes." Oh, Emily Barnes from middle school. My first love. My first pretty much everything.
"Don't be a dickhead. I told you about that in confidence, and now you’re gonna hold it against me? Not cool, man. That was so many years ago. We were what? Like twelve?"
"Yeah. Whatever. That’s not all you tell me when you get drunk, but that chick had you by your balls so hard, you were even going over to her house on the weekends to help pick up dog shit. Did you ever even kiss that girl?”
"This conversation is over." I laugh, drinking down the last swallow of beer.
"Chicken."
"Oh, shut your face.
“I’m just saying. I know Charlee is my sister, and I hope shit works out for you two for real, but before you take it any farther, I think you need to ask yourself a very important question.”
“What’s that?”
“Would you clean up shit for her?”
“I already do, dumbass. Speaking of shit, have you learned to change a diaper yet?”
“Hell no, and I don’t plan on it.”
“So what are you gonna do if we ask you to watch Ev one night and she needs changed?”
“I’m gonna bring her to you and let you handle business, and then me and little bit can go back home.”
“Dude, you need help. Mental help.”
“You’re right. I could just find me a friend to come hang out that night and help me out.”
I can’t help but laugh at him. I know how protective he is of his niece and his sister, and there is no way he would let a complete stranger around her, but the look on his face says he’s at least thinking about it. I slap him across the back of the head for good measure.
“No, dude. No.”
Chapter Seventeen
Charlee
The next morning, I pull myself together and get ready for class. I can't believe I missed the first day of my photography class yesterday afternoon because I was wallowing in self-pity. Today is a new day, and thankfully, I woke up on time. I can handle this. I just pray I don't run into blonde bimbo one or two today.
Ashlin is already in class when I walk in, and thankfully, she has saved me a seat. She’s waiting for me now. I smile a soft smile her way and mouth I'm sorry. She shrugs her shoulders, telling me to not worry about it. I have just sat down when someone else walks in the room, and I feel like all air has been sucked from my lungs. I try to inhale, and somewhere in my mind, I know that I am, but my brain isn't telling my lungs that they are full, or maybe my lungs aren't telling my brain. I don't know. I suck in another breath, trying to grasp a satisfying reaction, but it doesn't come. Ashlin is rubbing my back soothingly while trying to remain inconspicuous. I shrug away from her, not wanting to be touched right now, and lay my head on my desk.
Brittney sits on the other side of the room, digging through her bag for something. She hasn't seen me yet, thank God. Hopefully I can just make it through this class without her noticing me and then go straight to the office and request a transfer. I know it’s childish, but the smug look on her face grates at me. I glance at the clock at the front of the class. One hour and fifty-seven minutes to go.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see Lucas’s name across the lock screen. I swipe left and hit the X to ignore. It's the fifth text I have gotten from him, if you count the sweet one from yesterday morning. The one I got before I knew he was cheating scum. I can't believe I thought I was falling for him.
Ha!
Thought hell . . .
I’m falling for him, and the sad part is that those wonderful, amazing feelings don't disappear just because I found out the truth. That he has a wife and kid. No, they remain, torturing me, mocking me for my stupidity.
The instructor walks in and sets himself up for class before clearing his throat and beginning roll call. There went any chance of me escaping unnoticed. My body is sweating uncontrollably. My heartbeat fluctuates between rapid and dead as the professor calls each name on the list.
“Charlee Cooper?” I watch as Brittney's head jerks to the front and then sweeps across every student in the class. I cower down, not wanting to answer.
“Charlee Cooper?” The professor calls again. I have to answer. Otherwise, I'll be marked absent, and if you're absent during the first three days of class, you're forcefully withdrawn. I can't be withdrawn. I need this credit.
“Here.” I say, just loud enough for the professor to hear me. Her eyes find me then, and I watch as she takes in my appearance with a satisfied gleam in her eyes. My phone dings again, and I know without looking down that it is him. I try to ignore it, but I can't. I need to see it. I need to end this now.
Lucas: R U Ok?
Me: I'm fine.
Lucas: Did I do something wrong?
Me: No.
Me: Can you do me a favor?
Lucas: Anything, beautiful.
I know he’s a liar. Nothing about me is beautiful right now.
Me: Lose my number and don’t ever speak to me again.
I hit send and then turn my phone off. I feel Brittney’s piercing gaze shooting daggers through me, but I don't look over at her again. I can't. One look, and I know I would lose the small hold I still have on my sanity. Ashlin reaches her hand out, seeking mine, and I grasp it tightly, needing the comfort. I take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before releasing it. I still feel like a hundred-ton elephant is sitting on my chest, but that's okay. Anything is better than the deep canyon of heartache I was swimming through last night.
Chapter Eighteen
Lucas
I need to let it go. Let her go. Its what’s best for both of us, but I can’t. I need to know what happened. What made her change her mind about me? Everything is so messed up now. I don’t know my head from my ass.
Coach is yelling at me again.
It’s the third time this inning, and I can’t say I blame him one bit. So far, I’ve let four batters on base. The fifth batter steps to the plate, and Aaron gives me the signal for fast ball down the middle. It’s usually my best pitch.
Not today.
The batter swings, and then the only sound that can be heard is the crack of the bat against the ball, then the fans in the stands booing me and cheering him. I want to walk off the mound right now
and say forget it all, but I can’t. This is my job. My life.
In that moment, I realize I've got to push through. I can do this, I whisper to myself. One game at a time. The haze that's been clouding my brain begins to lift, and I'm back in the game.
Determination.
I will do this. I will also figure out how to get her back in my life. I wind up to pitch to the next batter. I release, and it’s perfect. The whiff of his bat tells me I'm on the right track. For her. If not for me, for her.
"Strike one," the umpire yells, and I smile. I close my eyes and prepare again. My driving force is no longer myself. I’ve found my center once again, and this time, I refuse to lose her.
Chapter Nineteen
Charlee
Three weeks have passed since the last time I spoke to Lucas Bouchard. During the first week, he still tried to talk to me, first by passing notes under my bedroom door and then, once the team went back out of town, he was texting nonstop, but I deleted every text before I even read it. Somehow, I just knew that if I read his words, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from texting him back.
I can’t even bear to talk to Aaron about it. I refuse to come between their friendship, even though I know he has to be aware of what Lucas was doing. Talking to me, leading me on while he has a wife and child at home in another city? It’s despicable.
I just don’t get it, though. Why waste all this time and effort on someone he barely knows when he has a wife at home? A wife who no doubt loves him deeply and has no idea what a lowlife piece of cheating shit he really is. I can't believe I allowed myself to be played so easily. Wait, yes I can. I don't date. I have no experience with guys and the games they play. What I know about guys comes from watching my brother with different girls growing up and reality TV.
The second week, he seems to get the clue. I’m not going to reply, and I don't want to talk to him. It hurts. I can't believe how much it hurts, but I know it’s for the best. I won't ever be the other woman. There are three people I absolutely hate in this world. Liars. Cheaters. And thieves.