by Saylor Bliss
Me: Goodnight.
Lucas: Goodnight, baby. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
I plug my phone into the charger and pull the covers up over my shoulders. I think it might be hard to fall asleep, and I debate taking one of my sleeping pills, but no sooner does my head hit the pillow than I'm drifting into the dark abyss of my dream.
My phone rings, waking me from my sleep. I reach over and swipe to the right, not even bothering to read the name on the screen.
“Hello?”
“Miss Cooper? It’s Dr. Fondu at Citizens. I'm sorry to wake you, but I thought you would like to know your mother is awake.”
“What?” My heart is beating wildly in my chest.
“Your mother. She is awake, and she is asking for you. We will be discharging her soon.”
My phone beeps in my ear, and I hit answer, swapping the calls.
“Hello?”
“Charlee? It’s me. Hey, do you think you could bring me my toothbrush? And don't forget my wallet. I need to stop by Wal-Mart on the way home.”
“Mom?” I ask, trying to piece everything together.
“I thought you were dead. They said you were going to die.” I'm sobbing now, unable to hold it back any longer, and all the doubt from the last twenty-four hours comes rushing back.
“I was going to tell them to pull the plug. You were gone.”
“It's okay, baby. I know what they said, and I wouldn't have been mad at you if you had, but I'm okay now and you can come get me. Will you come get me, Charlee?” she says, and I almost believe her. I want to believe her so badly that my heart latches onto that statement for dear life.
“I'm on my way.” As soon as I say the words I'm standing in the hospital just outside her room. I hear her talking on her other side of the white curtain, but I still can’t believe it’s true. The doctor walks up next to me and hands me a clipboard. I see a stack of papers attached to it and a black pen. He grabs the curtain while I'm holding the papers and pushes it aside.
My mother is sitting in the bed, her legs dangling over the side. She hears me enter the room, glances over at me, and looks straight through me with her flat gray, dead eyes. Her mouth is moving, opening and closing, and with each pass, more vile brown bile leaks past her lips.
“I'm ready to go, Charlee. Can you let me go, Charlee?”
I scream, dropping the clipboard to the floor. The papers fly everywhere on the way down, covering the ground at my feet. I look down at them to keep from having to look at her and see the bold print across each one.
WITHDRAWAL OF LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEMS
I back out of the room then, shaking my head back and forth.
No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO.
I keep backing away, farther and farther and farther, and then I bump into something, and someone is shaking my shoulder, and then I'm sitting straight up in bed.
My bed.
My room.
It was all a dream. A horribly vivid nightmare, to be more accurate. I cling to whoever woke me, pulling them down, tearing at the material in my hand.
“Shh . . . Charlee, it’s ok. It was just a dream, baby. I’ve got you,” Lucas says, lifting me and setting me in his lap. He sits back on my bed, leaning against the headboard, and rocks me back and forth while whispering sweet words in my ear. My heart rate finally slows and I am able to release the death grip I have on his shirt.
“It was horrible, Lucas.” I mumble into his chest. My words are muffled, but he manages to hear me just fine.
“I know, baby. It's okay. I’ve got you. It was just a dream. I’ve got you, baby.”
The gentle timber of his voice as it vibrates through his chest comforts me. I don't know how long I stay there, wrapped in the safety of his arms, before I finally doze back off. It could have been hours or twenty minutes, but he never leaves me. He never once complains about being uncomfortable or tries to push me away. He just holds me and protects me, offering exactly what I need right when I need it.
This man is a godsend. I honestly don't know how I would have survived the last few days without him by my side. I am just selfish enough to keep him there, using him when I need him the most as my shield. My protector.
I realize suddenly that I haven't made as much of an improvement as I thought I had. I have just traded one crutch for another. I used to depend on my monster to shelter me from all the bad things in the world, all the people who wanted to hurt me. She hid all the emotions I didn't want to feel away.
Hell, I even managed to hide away memories from half of my childhood, and now, instead of using her and the dark depression to hide myself away, I just hide behind Lucas. He is my new crutch, there for me to hide behind when life gets too hard, to support me when I need him, but it's not supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be all one person giving everything one hundred percent of the time, while the other just sucks up their energy and love. We are supposed to be in this together, equally dependent upon each other when we are not strong enough to handle something on our own. Right now, I'm just a leech, sucking him dry. Using him. I can't let it continue, but I can't let him go either.
Not yet.
I need him.
And maybe, in some small, miraculous way, he needs me too. At least, that is what I’m going to tell myself until I gather the strength to really examine our relationship. For now, I'm just going to stay right here, wrapped in his arms, sheltered from the world.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Charlee
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
The shrill call of my cell wakes me, slowly pulling me from the deep recesses of the dream I’m trapped in. Lucas’s arm tightens around me as I roll to grab the noisy devil from my night stand.
Wait.
Lucas’s arm? Oh shit. Lucas is still in my bed. Asleep. All of last night's events come rushing back in a raging torrent. The phone call, Mom . . . awake, yet not. My cell chirps, letting me know I have a voicemail, and I sigh in relief. I don't think I could actually answer it right now while reliving the horror from my nightmare last night. I swipe it off the table by my bed and pull the comforter off the bed, wrapping it tight around my shoulders.
“Lucas. Wake up.” I shake his shoulders, jarring him from his peaceful sleep. His eyes peep open, and then a smile lights his face when he sees me sitting on the bed beside him.
“Mmm. Good morning, beautiful.”
“Lucas.” I laugh when he pulls me down on top of him, kissing along the side of my neck. What? It tickles. I pull away from him, using his bare shoulders for a brace to raise off his chest. He lays there gazing at me like he doesn't have a care in the world before sitting up and slipping from the bed. My jaw drops open at the perfection etched into this one amazing man. His boxer briefs hang low on his hips, showcasing the perfect V leading down to one hell of a morning wood. I don't realize I’m gawking until I hear his loud, rough laugh fill the air. My eyes snap up to his as a heated blush spreads up my neck and coats my face. I bury my face in my hands, too embarrassed to look up at him, which only causes him to laugh more. Luckily, my phone rings again and draws both of our attention away from my gawking session.
I glance down at it and see it's the hospital calling. I stored their number last night just in case. Now, instead of a heated blush on my cheeks, all color drains away. Last night’s dream comes rushing back to me, and I fight to slide the answer button to the left and put the phone up to my ear. Lucas notices the change in me right away and sits on the bed next to me and takes my hand in his. He rubs the inside of my wrist with his rough thumb as I lift the phone to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Miss Cooper? This is Nurse Jessica, your mom’s charge nurse.”
“Oh yea. Hey.” I sound dumb to my own ears, like a two-year-old fumbling with their parent’s cellphone, but what the hell am I supposed to say?
“I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I have Dr. Neece here. She’s the neurologist w
ho has been taking care of your mom, and she has asked to speak with you. Do you have a few moments?”
“Yes. Yes, that's fine. Of course.”
“Great. Just one minute, and I'll transfer you over.” My mind is running in a gazillion different directions wondering what the neurologist has to say. Maybe my mother is waking up like my dream predicted, and I'll get that second chance to make things right. I can't sit still a moment longer. Standing, I pace around the room, marking my path in the lush carpet with each turn. Someone knocks on the door, and before I can answer, Aaron peeps his head in. I don't stop walking in circles. I don't acknowledge him in any way other than to glance up when he sits on my bed next to Lucas, who is still in his bright orange boxer briefs. Neither of them seems to notice.
“Miss Cooper?”
“Yes?” I ask hesitantly. I don't want to hear what she has to say, but I can't run away from this, so I take a deep breath and wait. It doesn't take long. I nod along to the things I hear her saying on the other end. A few words stick out to me.
Coma.
Brain dead.
Test.
She asks for my permission to perform it. A test called Apnea testing. They will remove her from the ventilator and wait for her body’s oxygen levels to decline to around sixty percent. She says that if there is any functionality left in the brain, that it will jump in and force her to take a breath. If it doesn't, then she will be pronounced dead. It takes around twenty minutes total. I give my permission. What else am I supposed to do at this point? I can’t keep her locked up on life support machines for the rest of her life. She is dying regardless. Her kidneys have already shut down. The rest of the organs are following closely behind them. Keeping her hooked up to a machine wouldn't be the moral thing to do. Dr. Neece asks if we want to come say goodbye before the test starts. I tell her we will be there in half an hour.
Dropping the phone on the bed, I take a steadying breath before turning to Aaron and Lucas and relaying the news with focused, numb logic. With every word the doctor uttered, I felt another brick stacking up along the wall around my heart, shutting me off from the world. Now I’m numb, lethargic. I understand perfectly well what’s happening. The doctor made it clear that she didn't expect my mother to wake up or to take a breath of air. This is my last chance to say goodbye, my last chance to tell her how I felt, that I loved her, despite our jacked up past. I doubt she will even be able to hear me. If what the doctor said is true, then my mother is already gone, but I’m going to at least try. I have to.
Shoving Lucas and Aaron from the room, I offer a sad smile to them before shutting the door to get dressed for my visit to the ICU. I can see the worry on both of their faces, but I can't focus on that right now. One step in front of the other. The walls of my conscience are closing in around me, making it hard to focus on the task in front of me. Everything in me wants to crumble, but I refuse to let it. Pulling in a deep, satisfying breath, I mentally slap myself. Get it together, Charlee. You can break later.
********
No one is in the room when we enter the hospital thirty-one minutes later. I leave Aaron to go in and talk to Mom alone. I check my phone again to see if Matt has replied yet. I texted him when I was getting ready and told him what was going on. Nothing. Aaron emerges five minutes later. His eyes are red-rimmed and I can tell he is choked up. He pulls me into a tight hug and kisses the side of my head. I squeeze him, not wanting to let go, not wanting to walk back into that room alone. I wrap my fingers in his shirt and lay my head against his chest, begging him without words to make an excuse for me to stay. Tell me she is already gone. Anything. He doesn't.
She’s still hooked to every machine when I walk in. Her blood pressure has finally lowered to an almost normal level. I stand at the foot of her bed, watching her pulse beep on the screen behind her head, watching the ventilator rise and fall, watching the line across the screen as it rises and falls with the beats of her heart. I focus on anything and everything to keep from having to look down at her, scared—no, terrified—that when I do, I will see the same lifeless gray eyes staring back at me, begging me to take her home like they were in my dream. Pinching my own eyes shut, I force the images away and then peel them back open.
Her head is turned to the left a little. The angle it's laying looks uncomfortable. Her face is yellow. Not a natural yellow, but more an ancient, weathered yellow. It reminds me of the color of pus. Everything about her screams death, from her listless hair to the chapped, dry lips. Her hands are laying limp by her side. Her arms are purple from the IVs and drawing of blood. I sit in the chair next to her and cross my hands in my lap, unwilling to reach out and touch her. I'm starting to wonder if this was a mistake, coming here, seeing her like this, knowing she is moments away from taking her final breath. I don't know what to say to her. I thought naively that the words would come once I was here, but I was mistaken.
I sit there staring at her until the nurses come in and let me know she’s going to be moved in fewer than five minutes. I take that as my cue to go. Standing to leave, I make it to the door before I'm overcome with the burning desire to say something . . . anything. I turn back to her, taking her in one more time.
“Goodbye, Mom. Thank you for . . . everything.” I walk from the room, turning before closing the curtain once again.
“I love you,” I choke out, barely above a whisper, but I believe she hears me. I believe her presence is here in this room right now and that she is watching us come and tell her goodbye. I have to believe that. It’s the only way I am able to walk away and let her go, because I know in my heart this is last time I will see her.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Charlee
Three days ago, my mother was pronounced dead. The doctor removed the ventilator from her throat, and just as predicted, she didn't take a breath. She was gone. I waited, huddled in the tiny mauve chair in the waiting room, for the doctor to come in and tell us the results. A part of me held out hope that she would recover, even when everything before me told me otherwise.
Matt walked in moments before the doctor arrived. He looks better today. He’s showered and dressed in clean clothes, thank God, but something else is different about him. I wrap my arms around him and let the first tears fall. He holds me close, rubbing circles along my back while waiting for my sobs to subside. I can feel his own chest shaking as he works to hold in his own anguish. Neither of us had been close to her, but she was still our mother, and it hurts like hell to know that this is it. There is no tomorrow for her anymore. I lean back and look up at him, seeing the tears stream down his own cheeks. I finally realize what’s different about him. He isn’t wearing sunglasses and his eyes are clear, focused. He’s sober.
“I'm so sorry, Sis,” he mumbles.
I break apart.
It seems from that moment forth, something inside of me breaks open. I can't stop crying. Every time I shut my eyes, I see her again, lying there helpless and alone. When I go to sleep at night, I dream of her in the room and me standing over her, afraid to touch her, unable to console her. I wake every night with tears running down my face and lie there in the bed until I can get my breathing under control again. Even my sleeping pills aren’t helping me anymore. I take one every night, hoping and praying it will send me to oblivion and I will finally get some rest. It never works.
Today is the memorial. We decided against having a funeral, since most of the people here in Phoenix didn't even know her. Aaron had found her will, along with some other papers in her possessions, that stated she wanted to be cremated. So I signed the consent and released the body to the funeral home an hour after she was pronounced dead. We planned on gathering together and taking her ashes up to the Grand Canyon and spreading them out over the giant hole in the earth, letting them fly through the air to settle back into the ground. It seemed fitting to me. She was a lost soul, always wandering. I would release her, to fly out into the world. Her final flight. But first, I have something I need to do her
e.
In the papers Aaron found, he also found four letters—one for me, Matt, Aaron, and oddly, one for Lucas. I planned to read mine before we left on our trip up the mountain. I have put it off long enough already. It rests inside my nightstand drawer, calling to me. I pull it from its hiding place and brace myself for the words I know will be there, cutting straight through me like a knife through butter.
Charlee,
My sweet, sweet daughter. God, how blessed I have been these last few weeks with you.
You surprised me. The young lady you have grown into is more than I could have ever wished for. The strength you show when confronted with life changing obstacles gives me hope that this situation you're faced with now won’t break you.
Since you're reading this letter, I know I have passed on. Know this, baby: I went happy, with peace in my soul. All I ever wanted in life was to love you and your brothers and in turn be loved by you. You have given me that. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
Now for the fun part. I never got a chance to pass on life advice to you while I was alive, mostly because I wasn't around, so I am going to do it now . . .
LOVE.
I mean it, Charlee. Love. Love every chance you get. Love with every fiber of your being. Give it away every chance you get, but more importantly, open your heart to receive it back. Let it consume you. Don't hold back in fear. Your love is beautiful. Share it with the world. This is by far the most important of my request, and I hope with all that I am that you listen. I'll be watching.
Find your brother. I don't mean physically, but rather find the real Matt. He's lost inside that addiction somewhere, begging for someone to help him. You can do it. You two have an amazing bond. Help him find himself. Don't give up on him. Don't lose him.
Lastly, don't settle in life because you think you don’t deserve better. You deserve the absolute best in life. Travel the world. Visit your family in Las Vegas. Make friends in Europe. Go wherever your heart leads you. Stop hiding. You are perfect in every way imaginable. Show the world that you are.