‘Oh, Mum,’ she managed to whisper before she broke down in tears.
‘Yes, well, Charlie called round this morning. He was somewhat at a loss as to what to do and asked for my help. I gather you’ve lost the babby?’
‘Yes. It was awful. But then, I’m not a bit sorry. I sort of miss it but as I never wanted it in the first place, it seems like a good outcome. Something that was destined to happen.’
‘I quite agree. I’m glad you see it like that. Now, how about a nice cuppa?’
‘I’ve just finished a pot but I’ll make some more for you.’
‘You sit still. I’ll make it. You’ll need to rest a bit now, you know. Shall you go back to work? Goodness. This kitchen’s a mess. I’ll just tidy up a bit while the kettle’s boiling.’
‘I’ll do it later. Charlie had his tea in there last night and I haven’t faced it yet.’
‘What’s he having tonight?’
‘Haven’t thought about it.’
‘I’ll think of summat in a minute.’ She set to work on washing up the pots and put the vegetables onto a plate. She poked at something in another pan and decided it didn’t look too good so she threw it away. A quick wipe down of the surfaces and she was satisfied. ‘There. That’s a bit better. I’ll make some tea and then you can tell me all about it.’
‘Should I go to the doctor’s?’
‘Oh yes, love. He needs to know so he can cancel the midwife and so on. He’ll want to know what happened, too.’
‘I didn’t do anything I shouldn’t. I know I didn’t.’
They chatted for the rest of the morning and Mabel made them both a sandwich.
‘Now, shall I come to the doctor’s with you? It’s time for the afternoon surgery and it might be advisable that I come too.’
‘Well, perhaps it would be an idea. I’m still feeling a bit wobbly and it would be nice to have you there.’
‘Right then. Get your coat and let’s be off.’
Once out in the fresh air, Ruth felt much better. The two of them walked along slowly to the doctor’s and waited in the queue. He was very sympathetic and checked her over.
‘You’ll be fine now. Don’t try for another for a few weeks. Your body needs time to recover. Come and see me again if everything doesn’t settle in a week or two.’
‘Right. Thank you very much Doctor. Bye now.’
When she came out she told her mother the news.
‘I’m all right. He said not to try again for a few weeks. Little does he know the situation.’
‘Yes, well, that’ll change now. Charlie’s going to want to make it worth his while being married isn’t he?’
‘Oh, good heavens. I’ll have to tell him we can’t do it for a while anyway. Like the doctor said.’
‘Don’t put him off too long. He isn’t getting any younger. He’s gonna want his own babby.’
Ruth didn’t say anything but was determined that he wouldn’t touch her. She shuddered at the thought. She could cope with sleeping with him as long as they both slept. She’d even got used to his snoring, which didn’t happen every night. It was mostly when he went to the pub and came back after drinking. No. If he wanted sex, she’d have to put him right.
*
Mabel and Dan were offered a house at Wallbrook and they moved over there as soon as they got the keys. It was a three-bedroomed house and had the much-desired built-in bathroom. There was also an air raid shelter to one side of the main door. They even had a garden at the back, albeit covered in brick debris and totally impossible to grow anything in. Ruth went over on the bus to have a look at it as soon as she could.
‘Oh, Mum, it’s lovely. I can’t imagine what it’s like having a proper bathroom. No more going up the yard and washing at the kitchen sink. I hope you’ll be happy here. Pity our Veronica isn’t living at home any more. She’d have loved it.’
‘There’s room for all of you to come and stay and plenty of space for Jimmy when he comes home.’
Ruth went back to Charlie’s place and looked round in disgust. It was in a terrible state and desperately needed decorating. Despite his promises, he hadn’t lifted a paint brush at all. She thought perhaps she might try to paint it herself, now there was no baby. Then she remembered the age old problem. Sex.
For the next few days, all went well. He slept beside her without touching her until one Saturday night he came back from the pub and demanded his marital rights. She tried to protest and say it was too soon but he would not be put off any longer. He was a large man and she felt herself almost suffocated by him. She lay there as he pumped until he finally rolled off her when he was done. She really didn’t want to find herself pregnant again, so she eventually went to the family planning clinic and got herself fitted with a diaphragm to make sure there were no further pregnancies. There was no way she would have a baby with this man. However, he desperately wanted a baby and kept asking if she was pregnant yet.
‘I must have damaged something before,’ she lied. ‘I said it was too soon.’
‘Rubbish. I’ve done all right by you, haven’t I?’
She had to admit he had. He had made sure she always had enough money for housekeeping and apart from the lavatory up the yard and having to wash in the kitchen, she was living reasonably comfortably. But she really felt nothing for him. She didn’t even think he loved her but saw her as some sort of convenience for cooking his meals and looking after the cottage. As the weeks wore on, Ruth decided she would like to go back to work. She knew she was a good secretary, and felt she should be able to get a reasonable job. She would never apply to her old company, however, she thought with some repellence.
She put it to Charlie after he came home from work.
‘I’d like to go back to my old job as a secretary. I get pretty bored here all day and it seems like a good idea.’
‘But s’pose you get pregnant again? You shouldn’t take any risks.’
‘It isn’t happening so far.’
‘Perhaps we should try again. Come on, love. Maybe tonight we’ll be lucky.’
‘I don’t really feel like it tonight. I’ve got a bit of a headache.’
‘That’s the trouble with you. You’ve always got summat wrong with you. I’m getting a bit sick of it. Tomorrow then. No excuses. I’m going down to the pub now.’
He went off and Ruth sighed again. She knew she shouldn’t keep putting him off but she felt revolted by the very act with him. She picked up the evening paper and looked at the jobs section. There it was. The perfect job for her. Knowing she’d be on her own till closing time at the pub, she took out paper and pen and began to compose her letter. Almost trembling with excitement, she put it into an envelope and hid it in her bag. Tomorrow, when Charlie had gone to work, she would go to the post office and buy a stamp and post off her application. It never even occurred to her that she might not get the job and she began planning her wardrobe. It would be quite different from her everyday wear at present and she worked out that she might need to alter some of her clothes. She ran upstairs and pulled some of them out of her wardrobe. It was a pretty sorry collection, she was thinking. She heard him come in and shoved her things back into the wardrobe.
‘Where are you, love?’ he called to her.
‘I’m coming. Just sorting some stuff out.’ She ran downstairs, forgetting her story about having a headache.
‘How’s your head?’ he asked kindly.
‘Oh, it’s a little bit better. Not right yet but a bit better.’ She tried to look a bit sad, as she thought she might look if she had a headache.
‘So you’re not ready for an early night.’
‘Do you want some tea?’
‘Answer me, woman. I’m getting sick of being fobbed off. I want me rights. As a married man.’ She quaked slightly.
‘I’m sorry, Charlie. Really I am. But I can’t do it. I think it must be the fault of that man who… raped me. I can’t enjoy anything any m
ore.’ She burst into tears and ran upstairs. She sat on their bed and cried. It was something she did all the time these days. She heard him coming upstairs and wondered how he was feeling about her words.
‘I’ve listened to what you said,’ he began. ‘I think you’d better get yourself sorted out. I won’t bother you tonight but think on. I won’t be put off forever. Do you understand?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered, still sobbing quietly. She was thinking about him and how much she hated being married to him. But what on earth could she do? ‘I’ll go downstairs and sleep on the chair.’
‘Dunna be soft. You go to sleep here. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.’
‘Th… thanks. I’m sorry, Charlie. I’ll probably get over it.’ But she knew in her heart she never would. It was nearly a year since she’d heard about Paul and it was still very raw inside her.
*
The war was going on and on. Almost two years now they’d been fighting. Occasionally they heard planes flying over and everyone usually rushed out to look and see who it was. If they had German markings on them, they rushed back inside and gathered up their children to hide them. If it was a British flight, they waved and cheered. They were all used to covering windows with blackout material from early in the evenings and rationing was making everything difficult. Ruth always tried to give Charlie the best of the meat she found and he rarely complained when it was a bit short. Since he’d told her he wouldn’t touch her, she felt better about going to bed. It was now three weeks since he’d even attempted to make love to her. She continued to wonder how long it would be before he broke.
They were sleeping peacefully one night when there was a tremendous crash. They both leapt out of bed and rushed out of their bedroom.
‘What on earth was that?’ asked Ruth.
‘Dunno. I’ll go down and look.’
‘I’m following you,’ said Ruth.
Another huge explosion sounded and their staircase disappeared. Charlie was halfway down and disappeared completely. A crashing of bricks followed him.
Chapter Seven
‘Charlie?’ squeaked Ruth. ‘Are you all right?’
There was no sound. More crashes reached her ears and she began to panic. She turned back to her bedroom only to find it had disappeared into a large hole. She could see the chairs in the room below, all covered in plaster and brick debris. She stayed on the top stair, wondering how long it would be before it too crashed down, taking her with it. She peered down the stairs, or what had once been stairs. She could see Charlie’s body lying amidst the rubble.
‘Charlie?’ she called again. ‘Charlie? Are you all right?’ But he didn’t answer. She knew the electricity had gone off. Poor Charlie, she was thinking. He didn’t deserve to end like that. She stood shaking, clinging to the bit of wall that had survived and peering down. She could see no way of getting down short of jumping and there was nowhere to land. Then she heard a call.
‘Anyone in there? Can you hear me?’
‘Yes,’ Ruth yelled. ‘I’m stuck upstairs. And Charlie’s lying down at the bottom.’
‘I can’t hear you. I’m coming in.’ She heard someone battering the door and pushing it open. ‘Anyone in there?’
‘I’m up here,’ yelled Ruth. She felt a beam from a torch flash over her.
‘Blimey. Keep very still. There’s not a lot left of your stairs.’
‘Charlie’s down there. Is he all right?’ She saw the torch find him and a man bent over him, feeling for a pulse.
‘I’m sorry, love. I’m afraid he’s gone.’
‘Oh, no.’
‘Is it your dad?’
‘No. My husband.’ She felt tears burning her eyes. Thoughts raced through her head. Her plight was over. She no longer had to bother about it. Then she realised what the man had said. Her husband was dead and she felt desperately guilty about her feelings.
‘I’m sorry. But I’ve got to work out how to get you out of there.’
‘What happened?’ she called in a wavering voice.
‘A bloody German bomb. What else? It’s taken most of the street out. Look, I’m going to get some help. Stay still and we’ll be back very soon.’
Ruth clung to the bit of wall, thinking about jumping but knowing she’d only land on Charlie. That would be the final finish for her marriage. She even giggled like a maniac at the thought. A mad hysterical giggle that echoed among her tears. She realised she might not even get out of this herself and could end up beside him, also dead. Then she heard the man coming back.
‘Okay, I’ve got a ladder. It’s a bit old and some of the rungs are dodgy but if you’re careful, you should be able to get down.’ She saw him pushing the ladder up past her. Once he’d got it stable, he instructed her to climb down very slowly and carefully. Shaking like a leaf in a gale, she put her foot onto the rung nearest to her. The piece of wall she’d been clinging to fell to the ground, fortunately the other way. ‘You’re all right, love. Slowly does it.’ She passed the end of the ceiling of the downstairs room and suddenly slipped. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you,’ the man told her. ‘There you are. I need to drag the ladder out now in case anyone else needs it. You go outside now. You’ll find several other people out there.’
‘But Charlie? What should I do about him?’
‘There’s nowt we can do for him now, love. Go on, take yourself out.’ She did as she’d been told.
In the street outside, she saw most of her neighbours standing round in groups and all looking very much as she was feeling. Most of them were in night clothes and some had coats on over the top. She gazed round at the street. Instead of a row of houses, there were heaps of rubble. Their house was one of a few that seemed to have a roof left… at least at the front. The rear had disappeared as had most of the rest of the street.
‘Come and join us, love,’ said one kindly soul. ‘You must be frozen.’
‘I don’t know,’ she mumbled. ‘Charlie’s dead. He got sort of buried in the rubble.’
‘Eh, I am sorry about that. Nice man he was. And you not married all that long.’
‘Thanks. I s’pose he was nice.’ She began to shiver. She wasn’t sure if it was the cold or the realisation that she now had to face life on her own. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said miserably.
‘I think they said we’re all to go to the hall, if it’s still standing. Then we can sort out where we’re going to go to. Are your parents still living around here?’
‘They’ve moved to Wallbrook. I’ll have to go and stay with them. Till they get bombed, too.’
‘I don’t think this was anything more than a weird accident. The bombers were on their way home, as far as I’ve been told. They just dumped their load on us as they passed over. Bastards.’
‘I’m not sure how I can get to Wallbrook. There won’t be any buses will there?’
‘Let’s just go along to the hall and see what they say.’
She followed the other women in a daze, thinking she shouldn’t have left Charlie. She may not have loved him but she felt it was her duty and she was neglecting it.
‘But what about Charlie? Don’t I have to do something about him?’
‘Dunna fash thee sen love. The air raid wardens will see to him,’ said her typically Potteries neighbour.
In a daze she followed the woman to the hall round two or three corners, seeing the devastation caused by several bombs that had been dropped. Miraculously, the hall was still standing unscathed and was filling up with the displaced crowd that was pouring in. Most people were clad in night clothes. Many, like Ruth, had bare feet. There were some folks with injuries and with blood streaming down their faces. A small group of women were taking care of them and there seemed to be one who was a nurse and had some idea of what to do. There were already a couple of urns boiling away on the side and someone was making tea.
‘We’ve run out of milk I’m afraid but it’s wet and warm,’
said one of the women. Ruth thought she looked familiar and then it dawned on her. It was the woman from the tea shop she and Paul had visited. Just seeing her brought back a flood of memories.
‘Thanks,’ she murmured. ‘This is usually your day job, isn’t it?’
‘It used to be. I work in the ordnance factory now. No call for tea shops any more. Yes sir? Do you want a cup of my delightful brew?’
Ruth felt somewhat dismissed and moved away. Standing there clad only in her nightie, she was cold and wished she had a coat or something to put over it. Her mother would be shocked if she knew she was standing in the middle of a load of people in her nightie. Then she remembered Charlie. She shivered and began to shake.
‘’Ere love, have my coat. You’re shivering,’ said an elderly man standing near to her.
‘Oh, I couldn’t. You’ll be cold.’
‘I’m all reet. Got more clothes on me than you ’ave. Go on. Tek it.’
‘That’s very kind of you. Thank you.’ She pulled on his coat. It smelled of tobacco and was far from clean but it was warm and she felt a bit better being covered up.
‘You from Riley Street? They got it bad there.’
‘My… my husband was killed.’ Tears were filling her eyes again.
‘Oh, you poor thing. No wonder you was shivering. It’s the shock as did it, I’m sure. Have you got relations round ’ere?’
‘My parents live in Wallbrook. I’ll have to find some way of getting there to stay with them. Assuming they haven’t been hit as well.’
‘Shouldn’t think so. They’re s’posed to have air raid shelters built in. You’ll be all reet if you can get there.’
Soul Searching Page 7