Nodding, she followed his instructions and let the gentle vibration of the car relax her as they drove over the gravel to exit the lot. She could hear Josh’s breathing, another soothing sound, and she almost found herself wondering what it would be like to sleep beside him, to know he was there with her. Focus. What’s the key for? A lock. What would you lock? She opened her eyes and took it out, stared at it and turned it over in her hand. Too small for an apartment key. Not for a car.
“That’s a safety deposit box key,” Josh said, glancing over.
Everything lined up, just slightly out of grasp. A safety deposit box. The answers inside. People are not who you think they are. Island. I am an island. New York.
“Staten Island,” she mumbled.
“Did you live there?”
“No. But something is there. Something important.”
“A safety deposit box?”
She looked at him as he watched the road. A safety deposit box. On Staten Island. Franklin Roosevelt. Thirty-second President of the USA. United States of America. She sat up straight, squeezed the key until it left imprints on her fingers.
“Bank of America. Staten Island. I have a safety deposit box. Number thirty-two. Something is in it that will tell me what I need to know.”
He slowed to a stop in the middle of the road, blinker on, and waited until a few cars passed before he took a left into a fast food drive thru parking lot. He looked at her incredulously.
“You’re sure.” It wasn’t a question because they both knew she was. It might be all she was sure of, but it was something.
“What are we doing?”
“I want you to eat,” he replied, getting in the line-up.
She narrowed her eyes at him. He needed to stop treating her like a child. “I said I wasn’t hungry.”
“You can glare at me all you want. It won’t change the fact you haven’t eaten since this morning and your body needs food. You’re still healing. Besides, who turns down fries?”
His smile made her stomach dance in the most delicious way. It also made it impossible to stay mad at him. She did like fries. “Aren’t doctors supposed to eat healthy?”
“Moderation. You want anything else besides fries and a drink?”
“A chocolate sundae.”
He gave their order when he pulled up to the speaker, and they listened as it was repeated back to them. She realized he would be paying for the food.
“Josh. Somewhere, I must have some money. Maybe in the safety deposit box. I’m going to pay you back for all of this,” she assured him when he pulled forward, and they waited by the window. His eyes were thoughtful as he studied her.
“Okay.”
“Okay? No argument?”
“I’ve already realized you’re independent, Alessa. I know you don’t want me doing everything for you, which likely includes paying for things. I understand that and accept it.”
“Oh. Well, good.”
“And you should understand there’s no keeping track. I’m here, with you, because I want to be, and I couldn’t care less about the money or getting you some clothes, which we need to get more of, or anything else. The only thing I want is for you to get better.”
Tears stung her eyes, and she wondered if she was as innately good as he was. Was she a good person inside? She gave a small smile and a tiny bubble of fear rose up her throat. “That’s all you want?” she asked in a small voice, heart pounding.
“I want you,” he said simply. “I want you to get better, to get everything sorted out because I want you in my life.”
She couldn’t do more than nod. He took the bag from the young woman at the window and paid her. Alessa held the bag on her lap while Josh drove, and she figured she must have been a good enough person to have stumbled into Josh Parker. Things happened for a reason, at least that’s what she wanted to believe. Maybe the reason for whatever had gone wrong in her life served the purpose of bringing her to Josh. It was a nice thought.
He pulled over on a quiet street only a couple minutes from the fast food place. Undoing his seatbelt, he took the bag off of her lap, grabbed the straw and put it into the large drink she guessed they would share. Her mind flashed to a moment in high school: her and Kristy giggling over a boy because Kristy had shared a slurpee with her crush over the weekend and was filling Alessa in. She couldn’t see Kristy’s face, just her shape, long hair, blurred edges.
“Here.” Josh handed her fries. “Your ice cream might melt a little.”
“It won’t.” She popped the top off of it and dipped one of her fries into the syrupy chocolate and ice cream. She took a bite, sighed in pleasure, and met Josh’s amused gaze.
“That’s gross.” He put a few fries in his mouth.
“It’s not. Try it.” She held one out with just a bit of ice cream on it and laughed when he shook his head emphatically. She held it out to him, and he leaned back against his door, laughing.
“I’ll just take your word for it,” he said as he grabbed more fries. He took a sip of the large soda and passed it to her, held it for her since her hands were full of fries and sundae.
“You’re missing out.”
His eyes grew serious, making her pulse and brain scramble in equal measure. “Not anymore. I’ve been missing out on life for a while now, but you’re bringing me back.”
“Josh.” She pressed her lips together tightly, wanting to say more but afraid to say too much.
They ate the rest of their snack in silence, the energy pulsing between them creating a white noise of its own. When the car started to chill and the fries were empty, Josh grabbed the garbage and put it all back into the bag. As he drove again, Alessa yawned and laid her head back against the seat. She heard the rain tap on the windshield, and she let the movement of the car and Josh’s warm hand covering hers lull her. She felt safe and hoped she could carry that feeling with her if anything changed.
* * * *
At his insistence, they stopped and picked up a few items at the store. Though she didn’t want to let him spend his money on her, she couldn’t deny the pleasure of having underwear of her own, a brush, a set of pajamas, some moisturizer, and a vanilla scented body soap she’d been immediately drawn to. Josh smiled at her as she made choices, and she couldn’t ignore the little thrill of joy she got from doing such an everyday, yet intimate, task with him.
“I think we should save the safety deposit box for another day.” He loaded bags into the back of his car.
I wonder if I have a car. She did have a license. “But—”
“Alessa. We’ve done so much today. Pushing too hard could actually set you back. Besides,” he checked his watch, “it’s almost four. The bank is likely closed soon.”
Knowing he was right didn’t lessen the frustration. She closed his trunk and headed to the passenger side, getting in and pulling the door closed with a bang. When he got in, he had a wide smile, and his stormy gray eyes were twinkling.
“Something funny?”
“You. You’ve got a bit of a temper. It’s cute.”
“My temper is cute?”
“Oh, don’t be like that.” He reached for her hand. “I like that you don’t hide what you’re feeling. It’s all in your eyes and the little pout you get.”
“I do not pout,” she insisted, clipping her seatbelt and folding her arms across her chest. She realized her stance, saw him bite back a laugh, and undid her arms.
“Your right eyebrow arches when you’re checking my pulse,” she said.
“What?” He eased into traffic.
She smiled. “And you mumble when you’re reading.”
“You bite your lip when you’re watching TV,” he countered.
She laughed and just like that, her frustration ebbed. They listened to soft songs from the radio that felt familiar, but she didn’t know the words to. It made her laugh again when Josh sang along to a few. She watched the streets, recognizing the way back to Josh’s small but sweet home. She knew he’d
take a turn on the next tree-lined drive. That he would pass five houses before pulling into the driveway of his off-white ranch style home. She had a flash of the house she’d grown up in, similar to this one, in Chicago. The neighborhood wasn’t high end, but it was safe and friendly.
“We have company,” Josh stated without emotion as he pulled into his driveway.
She sat up straighter, saw Amanda and her husband exiting a small, black SUV.
“Your sister is beautiful.” Alessa noted the way Amanda’s hair fell softly around her face, making her seem younger. Her husband was equally attractive, his dark hair styled in a way that made it look naturally ruffled.
“She is. She’s also nosey and pushy.” A smile played on his lips as he said it. He reached into the back seat to grab a couple of bags.
“Her husband is Ethan, right? He’s very handsome.”
Twisted in his seat as he pulled the bags, he gave her a dark, teasing look. “Is that so?” He placed the bags on her lap.
She grinned, finding it impossible this man could even feel mock jealousy. “He has many attractive attributes,” she teased. “But not nearly as many as you.”
He smiled wider and looked, for a moment, like he might lean in and kiss her. The thought made her stomach tilt. Ethan and Amanda approached the car, and Josh and Alessa got out. Josh grabbed the bags from the back while Amanda immediately embraced her in a friendly hug.
“How are you? This is my husband, Ethan,” she greeted.
“I’m good. It’s nice to meet you.” Alessa stepped back from the hug to shake Ethan’s large, warm hand. His eyes were a deep, dark brown, and Alessa felt like he could see right through her but in a comforting, rather than intimidating, way. His smile was so genuine, and she caught herself wondering how she’d know the difference. Josh came to her side and nodded at both Amanda and Ethan.
“How are you guys?” Josh shifted all of the bags into one hand.
“Good. We thought we’d surprise you,” Amanda said, a poor attempt at an innocent smile giving her away.
“Or check up on me. Come on.” Josh led the way to his front door.
Once inside, Alessa stowed her bags in the room she was staying in and came back to the living room to see the easy, friendly tone had changed. The room was charged with Josh’s obvious frustration. With his hands on his hips, his back to her, she saw Amanda was sending quick glances Alessa’s way then back toward Josh. Please don’t let me be the cause of family discord. She stayed in the doorway until Ethan, noticing her standing at the edge of the room, gestured to her.
“Perhaps we should just ask her,” Ethan suggested, his voice soft and commanding all at once.
Josh turned to see her, and Alessa noted both his face and stance softened when he saw her. They want me to go. He wants me to go.
“Come in, Alessa. It appears my sister has ulterior motives where you’re concerned,” Josh said. While the lines of his face had smoothed out and Ethan simply smiled, Alessa couldn’t help but feel like rocks landed in her stomach.
She looked at Amanda unable to read through the woman’s smile and nervous eyes. She wants me to go. Which is understandable. Who would want you to take advantage of someone they love? But, I love him. Her breath caught, made it painful to stand at his side. I love Josh. And now he’s going to make me go.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Josh looked at the fear hidden in the depths of Alessa’s expression. She smiled, too brightly, her face stretched with tension, but it was the eyes that gave her away. She looked back and forth between them quickly with uncertainty and worry. He didn’t want to be away from her, even if she would only be with his sister. Amanda clasped her hands together, and Ethan kept his easy-going smile in place while he had a seat on Josh’s couch. He couldn’t deny he’d missed his friend and brother-in-law, who could say more than most with no words at all. Even now, Ethan crossed one jean-clad leg over the other, the picture of ease and relaxation.
“For goodness sakes, Josh. You’re worrying her,” Amanda complained, walking to Alessa’s side.
Josh couldn’t hide his own shock that his sister had seen through the false smile on Alessa’s face.
“Alessa, we merely suggested you and I have a girls night and they,” she said with a swift gesture, “can have a boys evening, which I’m quite certain we wouldn’t want to be a part of anyway.”
Amanda had a way of amusing him and putting him in his place all at the same time. She always had a quiet authority, and he wondered why he had doubted her ability to see through Alessa’s mask.
His stance softened, and he tried to look reassuring when he spoke to her. “She wants Ethan and I to have a play date,” Josh explained, earning a chuckle from Ethan and a scowl from Amanda.
The strain in Alessa’s face lessened, and she smiled for real, which made him smile both inside and out. Some people had that ability, to make you happier, just by being happy. They can also make you sad, just by being sad, he reminded himself, trying not to compare her to Laura and failing.
“Of course. I’m keeping you from your family and friends,” Alessa replied in a voice that anyone other than him would see as gracious.
“Alessa,” Josh scolded with affection he didn’t even try to hide. He looked at Ethan, who held out a hand to Amanda so she would join him on the couch. Josh introduced them years ago when he and Ethan had gone to college together. They’d become fast friends. There were some people, that when you met them, you knew would be part of your life forever. Looking at Alessa again, he realized he felt that way for her and while his feelings for Laura had been intense, he had always felt the incessant need to prove to her how he felt, like he didn’t have enough time to make sure she knew. It’s like I always knew my time with her would be short. The thought made his heart pinch in a dull-ache sort of way. He walked forward and guided Alessa to the kitchen.
“You know better,” he said quietly when they stood in the dim light of dusk falling through the windows.
“Josh,” she began.
“I’m telling you, and I’ll keep telling you, that you matter to me. So much. I can’t explain it entirely, not yet, but I know you feel it. I just need you to believe it. You are not keeping me from anything or anyone.”
He didn’t want to plead with her, but he needed her to understand him. His life, other people’s lives, revolved around him making hard, definitive decisions he wouldn’t—could not—second guess.
“You should spend the evening with Ethan,” Alessa said, pushing back the edges of his frustration. She looked tired, but he knew she wouldn’t appreciate him saying so.
“I don’t want to be with Ethan.”
She grinned and reached a tentative hand out to touch his chest. Her touch both soothed and ignited something inside of him.
“But he clearly wants to be with you, and we could both use a night off from all of this.”
He covered her hand on his chest, wanting to keep it there. With his other hand, he reached out and cupped her cheek. His heart lurched forward like it wanted to touch her through his chest when she leaned into his hand.
“We could all hang out,” he suggested.
“If what you say is true, if how we feel is real . . . don’t look at me like that,” she scolded when his eyes narrowed, “if what we’re feeling goes beyond you helping me, then I should get to know your sister, your family. Don’t you think?”
Without giving him a chance to answer, she stepped into him, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest, over his heart. Without being manipulative, she had known exactly what to say to make him see outside of his need for her, to think of the bigger picture.
“Guys night involves beer, pizza, and sports.” He leaned back. “What’s girl’s night like?”
“It’s top secret. If I tell you, I’ll get ousted from girl’s nights everywhere.”
The tightening that had spread in his chest when Amanda first suggested Alessa come back to her and Ethan�
�s home eased off considerably. He leaned in and kissed Alessa’s lips, just grazing his mouth across hers. Her eyes drifted shut, and she gave a small sigh.
* * * *
“You going to be okay, man?” Ethan laughed easily as he dumped some potato chips into a bowl.
“Shut up.” Josh popped the top off of two of the beers Ethan brought in when they walked the girls to the SUV.
“I’m not cuddling you if you get lonely later.”
“Seriously. Shove it—”
“Okay. Relax. C’mon. Talk to me. What’s up with you and Alessa?”
They walked to the living room and sat on the couch, the chips between them, tapped the top of their beers together and both took a long swallow. Josh rested his head back against the cushions. “She’s in trouble,” Josh finally said.
“I got that much from Amanda. You’ve had lots of patients in trouble, if I’m not mistaken.” Ethan put his feet up on the coffee table, stretching out a bit.
Josh opened his eyes and did the same as Ethan. Taking another sip of beer, he tried to find the words that would make sense but he didn’t have them.
“From the minute I looked at her, I felt something shift inside of me. Something settled. I’ve been living in the dark for so long now, and I feel like Alessa is the first flash of light, of hope, that I’ve seen. That sounds stupid and girly.”
“It doesn’t actually. It sounds like a connection, a very real connection. Sometimes we spend so much time questioning why something is the way it is, why we feel the way we feel, wondering if it’s too soon or too late. We need to remember that sometimes our heart doesn’t need as much time as our brain to know. We need to trust those instincts and see where they take us.”
“You’re telling me I need to have faith,” Josh said warily, grabbing a few chips and putting them all in his mouth. Ethan smiled. Part of what made him such a good pastor was how easy he was to talk to. It was also what made him a great friend. He had a way with words that let him tell you exactly what he thought, but in a way that made you want to listen.
“It couldn’t hurt.” Ethan grinned, grabbing a few chips.
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