“You can help them, not fix them,” she reminded herself. Picking up the clipboard again she went through the list of things she still needed to do for the single moms’ event she had been putting together for a few months now. It was supposed to fill the empty spaces or at least make her forget about them. Easier said than done. There was no amount of event planning, task doing, or even praying that could make her forget she and Ethan couldn’t have children.
She had gone through the stages, not as gracefully as she would have liked, but she had held tight to denial for too many years before giving herself over to anger. She skipped through bargaining and skidded straight into a depression that aligned too closely with Laura’s death. Seeing her brother’s pain, recognizing the beginning of his emptiness, his stages, had given her the final push toward acceptance. She would not bear Ethan’s children. But that wasn’t the end of her. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. She smiled, remembering how Ethan had wrapped his arms around her when she said she would like to have a place in their church for single mothers who felt excluded, lonely or in need. If not for her own loss, would she have founded It Takes a Village? She didn’t know and it was a useless thought anyway, one without a clear answer, her least favorite kind.
“Amanda?”
She turned to see her brother and Alessa standing alongside Ethan, watching her with a variety of expressions. “Oh! Hi.”
Ethan came forward, his brows crinkling as he smiled. “You okay, honey?”
“Yes. Just lost in thought. What are you guys doing here?” She gave Josh a quick hug before doing the same with Alessa. It felt natural and right, like she had a place here with them.
“Are we interrupting?” Alessa asked, her hair pulled into a braid, highlighting her high cheekbones and dark eyes. The bruising was fading more every day. Amanda felt another kick in the stomach at the thought of Alessa, any woman, being hurt.
“We were going to grab something to eat and Alessa wanted to stop by and see how you were doing with the preparations for your women’s day.” Josh tugged a strand of Amanda’s hair in a playful way. She felt the warmth of Ethan’s presence behind her and leaned into him when she felt his arm encircle her waist.
“You’re not interrupting at all. I’m so glad that you came by. I was just going through the loot basically.”
“The loot?” Alessa asked, peering around her to see the covered tables. “Oh. Look at all this stuff. This is fantastic.”
She followed behind and watched as Alessa picked up and admired gift cards, bath soaps, candles, beautiful journals, and delicious samplings of chocolates.
“This is amazing, Amanda. Did you get all of this together by yourself?”
“Mostly. It’s the third year for the event so the local businesses are used to me coming for donations. It’s a community sponsored event so it works out well for everyone,” she explained. Setting the clipboard down, she pulled her hair out of the tight ponytail at the nape of her neck and ran her fingers through her hair.
Josh and Ethan looked through some of the items, both avoiding anything that looked too girly. She smiled at them and shook her head.
“This is impressive, sis. It must take a while.”
“It does. We have a couple of teen girls that work with us. They’re in their late teens and doing community service as part of their probation. I have one girl, Kelsey, who has been a lot of help, but she didn’t show today.”
“Are you worried?” Ethan asked, putting down a scented candle that he’d scrunched his nose at.
“I’m trying not to be. She’s been a really great help with all of this and really reliable so far. She doesn’t have a phone though.”
Ethan exchanged a look with Josh then asked, “Why don’t Josh and I go for a ride, check in with the group home? When we get back, we’ll go for lunch.”
Amanda smiled at him. They had their share of struggles, like any couple, but most days, just looking at him made her feel like she had won the lottery. Laura had often talked about soul mates and every time she mentioned them, Amanda knew with absolute certainty that Ethan was hers and vice versa. Looking at Alessa, who had begun grouping like items together, she wondered if Josh felt that way for this mystery woman. She couldn’t deny spending the evening with her the night before had been lovely, easy, and casual like that of old friends. Some things just fit. Like they were always meant to be exactly where they end up.
“That would be lovely. If Alessa doesn’t mind,” she finally answered, looking between Alessa and Josh.
“Oh. I don’t mind at all. Do you want some help with this?”
“I’d love some.”
After a kiss on the cheek from each of their men, the women found themselves alone once again. Amanda had a quick flash of the last few months of Laura’s life. It had been so difficult to know, when they got together, how the evening would end. It became stressful trying to guess and gauge the tone of Laura’s ever-shifting moods. She hadn’t given a lot of thought to how hard it must have been for Josh in those last months.
“Did I say something wrong?” Alessa asked, putting a box of the chocolates down very carefully. Amanda saw the way her body tensed, made itself smaller as she stood, keeping her eyes trained on Amanda’s. Whatever was chasing her, whoever, had instilled fear deep within Alessa’s heart and it made Amanda’s own heart twist.
“No. I’m sorry. I’m completely spacing out today. I didn’t hear what you said,” Amanda replied, infusing her tone with laughter to soothe Alessa’s worry.
“Oh,” Alessa said, her stance relaxing. “You’re probably just tired from doing all of this. Really, Amanda, I know how much work and effort goes into finding sponsors and contributors. It’s exhausting.”
Amanda saw the same question she had register on Alessa’s face. “You don’t know how you know that, do you?” she asked.
“No. It’s so frustrating. I somehow just know I’ve done something that makes me understand what you’ve been doing, but I have no idea what.”
Amanda walked over and put her arms around Alessa, giving her a supportive hug. Alessa hesitated only a moment before accepting the comfort. “I hate not knowing,” she whispered.
Amanda leaned back and released her. “It’ll come. Give it time. In the meantime, do you have any clever ideas tucked away for how to make some extra money? I want to find a way to bring more people out to the event.”
“Well, are these gifts or prizes?”
“Gifts. I hadn’t thought of prizes. We give each of the women a take home gift. They come, get childcare, get pampered by church volunteers who will do their nails. We have lots of food, and then we have some sessions on parenting, finding jobs, stress and anger management, that sort of thing.”
“An afternoon thing?”
“Yes.”
“What if you saved some of these items as prizes, door prizes or items to bid on? Invite the members of the community for a dinner with these women. Let them do a meet and greet. It gives the women a chance to meet prospective employers and socialize. If we put some of these items together, they would be great for auctioning off. Use the money raised to fund your women’s group?”
Amanda felt hope and happiness bubble up inside of her, fighting for space in her chest. “Yes. Yes. That’s excellent. It’s always been a separate thing. Get donations. Have the women here to give them a couple kid free hours. We try to give them some skill training when we can afford it but, even then, it’s usually a crash course on Google or something simple like that.”
Amanda moved to the side of the large room, used as a rec room, gymnasium, or gathering place, and opened one of the narrow, rectangular windows. The rain had held off again today, but the wind was blowing, giving the stuffy room a blast of fresh air.
“It’s wonderful to have the donations, but if you blend the two circles, the community members and the women you’re trying to help get to ac
tually meet. Network.”
“Whatever you used to do, you have a natural ability for planning. Want to help me put some baskets together? I have a bunch that we use for the Easter egg hunts we do. I can buy more before then and we’ll use the ones we have for now.”
“I’d love to,” Alessa said with a wide, worry-free smile on her face. Amanda realized they had more in common than she originally guessed. Alessa clearly wanted to help others, but she was also fighting her own demons and seemed relieved for the chance to keep them at bay by throwing herself into a project.
* * * *
Ethan and Josh returned about an hour later, without Kelsey, who was sick and in bed. Amanda felt guilty for being frustrated with her, but the teen still could have found a way to let her know she’d be absent for the day. They’d talk about it when Kelsey returned. Having jotted down a number of ideas and feeling renewed enthusiasm, Amanda was eager to take a break and go for lunch. They settled on a tiny Mexican restaurant she and Ethan loved.
“They have great quesadillas,” Amanda shared as they took their seats at the four-top, square table. The hole in the wall restaurant was run by a husband and wife team, along with their children, when they weren’t busy with schoolwork.
“Hola,” Cassie, the heavyset, dark haired matriarch greeted. She wore a bright yellow apron with huge, multi-colored flowers covering the front. She had a great laugh and a beautiful smile. Amanda gave her a quick hug then took her seat again.
“How are you, Cassie?” Ethan asked, accepting the menus Cassie passed out.
“Meh. Bueno. Not complaining, but we have been very busy. How about all of you? Who have you brought with you?”
Ethan introduced Josh and Alessa, and Amanda saw Cassie’s eyes linger on the fading bruises of Alessa’s face.
“Our special is beef tacos. I’ll get Carlos to add extra beef to fatten you all up,” Cassie said, breaking the moment of tension.
They decided to order a combination so that they could all share. They laughed when Alessa said she wasn’t sure if she liked Mexican, but Amanda caught the flash of sadness in her eyes when she had said the words. Cassie came back with sodas for each of them and when she left, Josh filled Amanda in on his leave of absence.
“How long are you on leave?”
“A couple of weeks.”
“Josh—”
“Don’t start, Amanda.”
“She’s just concerned about you, Josh,” Ethan chimed in, covering Amanda’s hand on the table.
“I’m sorry. I need to use the restroom,” Alessa said, her eyes darting around. She stood abruptly and walked away from the table.
Josh’s jaw clenched and Amanda knew he was choosing his words carefully. “She thinks it’s her fault,” he ground out, taking a sip of his soda.
“Is it?”
“Amanda,” Ethan warned gently.
“I’m not trying to upset you, Josh. I’m worried about you. Listen, I really like her. Like really. I understand you care . . . deeply for her. But you’re my baby brother.”
“I’m hardly a baby. And it’s more than just caring about her. It’s a lot more. Yes, my decisions regarding her are a part of my leave,” he began, holding up a hand when Amanda started to speak, “however, it’s a blessing in disguise. That’s something you understand well enough, both of you. I was pushing myself too hard—wearing myself out. Alessa is the first thing since . . . Laura that has made me want more. Want anything. Feel anything. I needed a break, and I wouldn’t have given myself one. So, I’m not sorry. I’m definitely not sorry she’s in my life.”
Amanda firmed her lips, unsure of how to respond. Josh hadn’t opened up to her in so long, and she had to resist the urge to get up and hug him. Cassie saved her from making a fool of herself by bringing their food and setting it down. The boys stood when they saw Alessa returning and Amanda tried to capture her gaze.
“This looks delicious.” Alessa gave Josh a shy and sweet smile. Amanda’s heart clutched. Definitely a blessing in disguise.
“Wait until you taste it.” Ethan put a napkin on his lap.
“I think we should thank you, Alessa,” Amanda said, before everyone started to dig into the buffet of options in front of them. Alessa looked up, the surprise evident. Josh gave her a warning glance while Ethan just piled food on his plate.
“What could you possibly have to thank me for?”
“For starters, your awesome ideas and help today at the church. I hope you’ll come back and be part of the event,” she started, pleased when Alessa beamed and nodded. “More though, we should be thanking you for pulling my brother out of the cave he’s been hiding in for far too long. He has been more of a machine than a brother or a friend—he works endlessly and without giving himself time to live. So thank you for giving him a reason to come out of that cave and come back to the world. For making him smile. Mostly, for making him happy.”
She raised her glass, noting the tears in Alessa’s eyes, the pride in Ethan’s and the gratitude in Josh’s. Clinking glasses and laughing about needing a siesta when they finished all this food, Amanda dug in, feeling warmth spread inside her that had nothing to do with the delicious Mexican spices.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Were it not for the fact she could only remember bits and pieces of who she was, her life felt surprisingly normal. Or what she thought she would want normal to be like. Of course, she’d avoided digging into the information they had found so Alessa wasn’t sure if it was normal or just the bliss of avoidance. It was one of those New York days that made you forget winter was still coming. The rain let up and the air felt dryer than it had in weeks. Alessa was standing in Josh’s small yard, admiring the space, when he came outside and put a sweater around her shoulders. She looked up and over her shoulder at him. His face made her happy. It was a wonderful face with a warm smile that made her feel like regardless of what was missing from her mind, nothing was missing from her life at this moment.
“Still a bit of a chill.” He kissed the tip of her nose.
“You should plant tulips around that tree. In a circle,” she suggested, putting her arms through the sleeves.
“Now?” His eyes lit with amusement. He went to survey the spot she had suggested. She couldn’t name the tree if she tried and didn’t think that had anything to do with her memory problems. He kicked at the roughed in, almost grassed over circle of dirt.
“No.” She laughed. “In general. Tulips would look really pretty there.”
“Are they your favorite flower?”
“No. They’re beautiful, but I’m partial to irises.”
He looked over at her, his gaze meeting hers as she registered the unbidden knowledge. She shrugged. It came as it came and it was hard to accept that. She was caught between wishing more would come and nothing would resurface at all.
“My mother loves irises.” He joined her and took her hand.
“A woman of good taste.”
He squeezed her hand and pulled her back inside. She had needed the fresh air and to stretch her legs. Josh’s neighborhood was quiet and sweet. Children played in the cul-de-sac, and she could hear the steady thump of a basketball and the sound of laughter. They were nice sounds, and it was a nice house. She found herself wondering if he had thought of the neighborhood when he had moved in—he’d told her he just wanted to find a place to live.
She found herself wanting to know more about him—everything and hated the fact she couldn’t offer the same in return. She wondered what they were doing when he pulled her through the living room and into the kitchen. She had left a spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove when she had gone to get fresh air. She went to it now, purposely ignoring the papers spread out all over the kitchen table. She lifted the lid of the saucepan and stirred slowly, inhaling the scent of rosemary and basil, wishing she’d had access to fresh herbs. They could grow easily on the wide windowsill over the sink. She bit her lip, reminding herself not to make plans for him or his home. She was te
mporary. Though, everything he said told her otherwise. Still, they hadn’t uncovered the whole truth yet, and things could change.
“That smells good,” he commented, waiting patiently by the table. “I snuck a taste so I know it is good.”
She smiled at him, put the lid back on and swallowed down her fear to join him. “You’ve been busy.” She touched one of the piles, seeing it was email correspondence.
“I’ve sorted it into emails, account statements, things I can’t explain, and then I sorted the emails into piles of recipients.” He pointed to the stacks. She picked up an email and read through it.
To: Raymond Scotts
From: Tanner Moore
Date: June 14, 2013
Mr. Scotts,
I have some information for you regarding Joseph Layton as you requested. I would be happy to meet with you to go over what I’ve found. I do think you’ll be relatively pleased. In regards to the other issue you asked me about, I have made certain there are no photos to be asked about. I continue to enjoy our mutually beneficial arrangement. Please see that you clear a space in your calendar for me.
T
Alessa looked up to see Josh watching her, and she knew he was waiting for something to just click. “The names are familiar. It was the picture of Raymond Scotts on the Internet that brought on my last really bad headache. So there’s something there. But I just don’t know what, Josh.” She was disappointed in herself, but he only smiled at her encouragingly.
“Okay. Well, he’s clearly involved. I don’t know who Tanner is, but I can tell you Joseph Layton is a politician. And when I looked up Raymond Scotts, I found he has aspirations to replace him. They’re running against each other.”
He took the email from her hand and sorted through one of the other stacks until he found what he was looking for and gave her the paper. It had numbers, account balances if she was reading it correctly. Someone had highlighted a donation that had been made from Burton Law Offices.
Dangerous Love Page 14