Dangerous Love

by Kara Leigh Miller

  She smiled and took the food from him, her mouth lingering on his fingers a little longer than necessary. His eyes darkened, and his gaze lowered to her mouth. Her heart skipped several beats waiting for him to kiss her, but he didn’t. Instead he pulled away. Her heart sank. Don’t read too much into it. Maybe he just doesn’t like public displays of affection.

  “You tempt me too much, Alessa.”

  She looked away and tried her hide her smile. It was a rush knowing she had an effect on him like that. Not that she’d ever abuse it, but it was nice to know he felt a hint of what she did every time she got close to him. She took another sip of her water and cleared her throat. “So what’s this surprise you have for me after dinner?”

  “You’ll just have to wait and see.” He winked.

  Alessa groaned. “I hate surprises.”

  Josh looked at her, shocked. She realized how forceful and adamant her statement was. She laughed. “I don’t know how I know that.”

  He broke into a gorgeous smile. “Well if that’s the case, not knowing about this dinner,” he said waving his hand over the table, “must have about killed you.”

  “Yes.” She nodded and smiled, giving him her best flirtatious look. “Which is why you should take pity on me and tell me what we’re doing next.”

  “I have a feeling you’re not the type of woman who takes pity from anyone.” He draped his arm across the back of her chair and leaned closer. “But, I’ll tell you because I don’t want you to sit here and stew on it. I want your undivided attention tonight.” His warm breath whispered over her neck causing a shiver of delight to work down her spine.

  She turned her head just enough to catch his gaze, which put their lips a breath’s width apart. “Thank you.”

  Josh very softly brushed his lips over hers. “I’m taking you to the aquarium,” he said, straightening.

  He was such a tease, she thought as she tried to calm her racing heart. She smiled. “The aquarium?” Had she ever been to an aquarium before? She must’ve as a child, right?

  He smiled, his hand caressing her cheek. “I love it. Laura would never go with me, though. She hated the water and anything associated with it.”

  Alessa found that very odd. Who hated water? “I love the beach,” she said, propping her elbow on the table and dropping her chin into her hand. “The feel of sand between my toes, the smell of the ocean, the sounds of the seagulls. It’s one of my favorite places.”

  Josh looked at her with the same shocked expression as before. She felt her face flush with warmth, and she averted her gaze. It was so embarrassing having no definitive memory yet recalling pointless things about herself with such certainty.

  Josh gently took her chin and turned her face back to him. “See? You know much more about yourself than you think. I’m learning a lot about you tonight, Alessa.” He smiled. “I like it.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Finally, he leaned over and kissed her. It was soft and undemanding, but it was enough to make her heart race and her body temperature spike a few degrees. “Don’t rush it, okay?” His lips tickled hers when he spoke. “Your memories will come back when they’re ready, when you’re ready for them.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “It’s just frustrating.”

  “Can I be honest with you?” Josh pulled away just slightly, enough to give them a bit more room, but not too far so she missed his closeness. “Part of me wishes you won’t get your memories back.”

  Alessa jerked back, astonished by his admission. “Why?”

  Josh slouched back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. “I guess I’m worried what will happen when you do.”

  “I’ve wondered the same thing,” she admitted. “But, I do know something else.” Her voice was chipper and happy in an attempt to lighten the mood.

  He chuckled. “And what’s that?”

  “I like you, and no matter what my memories reveal, I’d like to have a place in your life. Even if that’s just as your friend.” Her voice tapered off near the end. The thought of not having him in her life was awful, but the thought of only being his friend seemed like a cruel joke at this point.

  He leaned forward again and smiled. “Can we agree we’re past the idea of friendship?”

  Alessa laughed, her body filled with so much excitement she could barely contain it. “Absolutely.”

  “Good.” He reached for more food, and she did the same. They ate in companionable silence for a while. Alessa’s thoughts were consumed with Josh’s question and the implications it held. She knew, deep in her heart, he was always more than just a friend to her. Obviously he felt the same way, but how deep did his feeling actually go? Hers were spiraling hard and fast toward that big L word: Love.

  After several moments, she spoke. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Always.”

  “How did you and Laura meet?” Her heart raced. It was the first time she’d ever directly asked about his wife, but she wanted to know. Clearly Laura was a big part of who Josh was, of who he’d become after her death.

  He froze with food halfway to his mouth. “At the hospital. We were both interns. I’d just started my internship in the ER, and she was doing her clinical residency in the psych ward.”

  “So she was a doctor, too?”

  Josh nodded. “A child psychiatrist.”

  “Oh, wow. That must’ve been difficult.” Suddenly Alessa felt very inferior. Of course Josh had been married to a fellow doctor. It made sense. And what do I have to offer him? A messed up, jumbled past I can’t remember? Strange financial documents that make no sense? She secretly feared she was a bad person, that she was involved in something illegal, that she was very possibly blackmailing a political figure. What kind of person am I?

  “It was. She was always getting emotionally involved with her patients. It took a toll on her. Eventually she gave it up and devoted her time to the church, to helping in any activities that involved kids.”

  Alessa cleared her throat and took a long drink of her water. So many things made sense now. Josh’s reluctance to go to church, distancing himself from his sister who was the embodiment of everything Laura wanted to be, burying himself in work so he wouldn’t have to face the world.

  “Sounds like she really loved kids. I’m surprised you two didn’t have any of your own.”

  “We tried.”

  Her heart sank. Of course they’d tried. Why wouldn’t they? Still, the thought of Josh being with Laura like that was a lead weight in Alessa’s gut. Her appetite vanished, and all she wanted to do was go home and hide under the covers of her bed.

  Josh put his food down and wiped his hands on a napkin. “Do you really want to know about Laura?”

  Alessa shrugged. “Yes and no.”

  He laughed. “Well, which is it?”

  “She was a big part of your life, and if I had to guess, I’d say she still is in a way. So for that reason, yes, I want to know about her. But I’ll be honest, listening to you talk about another woman like this is a little uncomfortable.” Alessa put her hands in her lap and looked down at them, feeling foolish for being jealous of a dead woman. But she couldn’t help how she felt. And she couldn’t help the nagging feeling that no matter what happened, she would never compete or compare to Laura.

  “Okay, that solves it then.” Josh put his napkin on the table and stood. He held his hand out to her. “C’mon.”

  “We’re leaving?” She looked around but stood, taking his hand. “I didn’t mean to ruin the night. We can stay. We haven’t even finished eating.”

  He smiled. “There’s somewhere I want to take you, and something I need to tell you.”

  Her heart lodged in her throat. I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut, could I? She had no idea what he wanted to tell her, but whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

  “Trust me, Alessa.”

  “Okay.” She nodded and tried to smile.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Josh tighten
ed his grip on the steering wheel in an attempt to stop his hands from shaking. He hated this bridge. Despised it so much he’d contemplated starting a petition to have it torn down and build a new one. Of course he never did, but at the time the idea had been all consuming. He pulled to the side of the road and parked the car. Blowing out a breath, he looked over at Alessa. She was so beautiful, so innocent and kind. The thought of telling her his story, of divulging all the sordid details of his past twisted his stomach.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  He shook his head and rested his forehead on the steering wheel, needing a moment to collect himself. This was the first time he’d been on this bridge since that night, and he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to step foot on it now. He’d thought all this pain was gone, but being here was like ripping open a barely healed wound.

  “Josh?” Alessa’s hand was tentative on his shoulder.

  Drawing a deep breath, he lifted his head and smiled faintly at her. With her here, by his side, he could do this. He had to. Josh nodded. “Yeah, sorry. C’mon.” He got out of the car and Alessa followed. He met her at the front of the car and took her hand, lacing their fingers. They walked toward the bridge, and he stopped at the edge, unable to take that final step onto the bridge.

  “Do you believe in soul mates, Alessa?”

  She tilted her head and gave him an odd look. His heart raced as he waited for her answer. He had no idea what he’d do or how he’d react if she said yes.

  Finally, she shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never really given it much thought. I believe every person we meet is put in our lives for a purpose. And I believe everything happens for a reason.” She paused then added, “And I believe we’re all meant to have someone to love, but I’m not sure I’d say we all have a soul mate.”

  Josh breathed a sigh of relief. “Laura believed in them. In fact, the idea consumed her.” Giving Alessa’s hand a gentle squeeze, he stepped onto the bridge. She was in step beside him, silent yet strong. He took a moment to thank God for bringing her into his life.

  “What about you? Do you believe in them?”

  He led her to the left side of the bridge, stopping at the metal railing, but not looking over the side. He didn’t have the strength for that just yet. “No, I don’t.” He turned his back to the railing and faced Alessa. She was the quiet in the storm raging inside of him, and he focused on her. It was time to finally tell his story to someone other than his sister.

  “Laura wasn’t well. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after finishing her residency and graduating. It’s a difficult disease, and I’ve seen couples struggle through it, but I was so in love with her by then I didn’t care. I was determined to be by her side, to help her. It’s treatable, and she got the help she needed. She was on medication and seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Things were fine.”

  Alessa took his other hand into hers and held both of them between their bodies, her grasp firm and comforting. Josh licked his lips and continued.

  “We got married, and then a few months later, she had a manic episode, a bad one. It scared the hell out of me. She was working with a child who’d been abused pretty badly. Laura was a wreck for weeks. Always crying for no apparent reason. Constantly yelling at me for things I didn’t do. Then one day she came home and told me she’d quit her job, that she couldn’t handle the stress anymore.”

  “Wow,” Alessa breathed out and took a step closer to him.

  He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and kiss her, to forget all about these painful memories flooding his mind, but he’d come this far, he couldn’t stop now. “Of course I was shocked, and angry,” he said, “but I’d seen how much she’d struggled so I thought maybe her decision was for the best. She became really involved with the youth group and the church, and so naturally we discussed starting a family of our own.”

  Josh’s heart constricted at the calm look of understanding in Alessa’s eyes. He wished he didn’t have to tell her the rest. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy for her to hear, and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel bad.

  “Go on,” she said softly.

  He took a deep breath and nodded. “Laura got pregnant fairly quickly. We were lucky, I guess.” He shrugged. “But twelve weeks into the pregnancy, she miscarried.” His voice faltered, and he choked back tears. “We were both heartbroken. Her doctor assured her she’d be able to try again. So we did. A month later, even though I knew it was too soon, she was pregnant again.”

  Josh hung his head. “She miscarried again.”

  “Oh God, Josh . . .” Alessa’s voice sounded as pained as he felt. She put her hand over his heart. “I’m so sorry.”

  He covered her hand with his and forced himself to meet her gaze. Her eyes were clouded with emotion, but he couldn’t pinpoint what emotions exactly. Definitely pain and sorrow. Maybe pity? Regret? Love? He turned away from her and gripped the railing, finally looking over it and down to the rushing water below. Closing his eyes, he forced what little food he’d eaten to stay put. He could feel Alessa behind him, but she made no move to come any closer or touch him again. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings.

  “After the second miscarriage, Laura stopped taking her medication, quit seeing her therapist. For a while she did okay, and stupidly I thought maybe she’d just been having some bad side effects from her medicine. Despite my hesitation, she convinced me to try again.” He shook his head. “We tried for two years with no luck. Every negative pregnancy test she took pushed her further and further away from me.

  “Her moods were getting worse, and her manic episodes were becoming dangerous. I came home one day to find her soaking in a tub full of ice-cold water. Her lips were blue and for a moment I thought . . .” He shuddered at the memory. “I was afraid to leave her alone, so Amanda started staying with her. The two of them devoted all their time to the church. I thought it was helping her.”

  Alessa moved to stand beside him, her hands gripping the railing as he was. He once again put his hand over hers and was thankful when she remained silent, listening. He wasn’t sure he could handle questions right now, although he was sure she probably had a lot of them.

  “Then it was like overnight things changed. She went into a severe depressive state, and nothing I did helped. Nothing Amanda or Ethan did helped, either. For weeks I begged her to go back on her meds, to go talk to someone. She refused. I was at my wits end so I started spending a lot more time at the hospital. It was my safe haven.”

  Alessa turned so she was facing him, a faint, sad smile on her lips. She looked like she wanted to say something, but when she didn’t, Josh filled the silence, which right now was deafening to him.

  “I never knew which version of her I’d come home to. I was fed up.” He huffed. “I came home late one night, miserable and lonely. I’d lost two patients that day and was in no mood to fight with her like we’d been doing so much lately. But when I got home she was manic. There were packing boxes everywhere. I thought for sure she was leaving me. And the worst part was, I was kind of relieved.”

  Josh lowered his head and let the memory consume him because he swore to himself it would be the last time he thought of it, and it would definitely be the last time he ever spoke of it to anyone.

  “What are you doing?” Josh asked as he entered the house and stepped around half a dozen large packing boxes. All of which were empty.

  “Cleaning,” Laura answered without looking away from the bookshelf she was scrubbing. “I’m cleaning out the old to make room for the new. We need a fresh start, don’t you think?”

  Josh made his way to the couch and plopped down on it. He rubbed his hands over his face, exhausted. It was almost midnight, and she was cleaning like it was the middle of the day. “Honey, I’m exhausted. It’s been a horrible day. Can we please just go to bed?”

  It was as if he’d flipped a switch in her brain or something. She went from calm to raging in less than half a secon
d. Laura threw the sponge onto the floor and spun to face him. “Didn’t you hear me? I said we need a fresh start. Why are you trying to ruin this for us?”

  His patience snapped. “Ruin what, Laura?” He stood. “All you’re doing is cleaning.”

  “I knew it.” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. “I’ve prayed about this, Josh. Day and night I’ve asked God why? Why won’t he bless me with a baby? And you want to know the answer?”

  Not really, but he indulged her anyway. It was just easier. “Why?”

  “He’s punishing me for being with you.”

  Josh let out a short, angry laugh. “God doesn’t punish anyone. You of all people should know that.” He paced the room, feeling like a caged animal ready to attack at the slightest provocation.

  “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

  “Enlighten me then.” His tone was sarcastic and cold.

  “We’re not soul mates, Josh. We’re not supposed to be together. It’s not part of God’s plan, which is why I can’t have a baby. He’s punishing me for not following His path.”

  Josh stopped pacing and stared at her, dumbfounded. The look in her eyes was one of complete calm and acceptance. She truly, wholeheartedly believed what she was saying. How could this be possible? Didn’t she realize how crazy all of it sounded?

  “Laura, honey,” he stepped up to her and put his hands on her shoulders, “you’re scaring me. Please go see your doctor tomorrow. Get back on your medication and talk to your therapist. You need help.”

  She jerked away from him. “Why is your answer always to pump me full of drugs? I don’t need medicine, and I don’t need a shrink. I need to make a fresh start. I need to trust in Him.”

  “I can’t do this anymore,” he muttered. “Get help, Laura or . . .”

  Josh snapped out of the memory, his throat raw with unshed tears.