“Or what?” Alessa asked, her tone soft and encouraging.
For a moment he almost forgot she was here, that he was speaking about all of this aloud. “Or I was going to file for divorce,” he whispered. Of course he never actually said that to Laura, but it had been on his mind. But he knew giving her an ultimatum wouldn’t solve anything. He’d made a promise to her in front of their family and friends and God. For better or worse. And no matter how bad it got, he knew he could never leave Laura. She was his life, his heart and soul.
“I stormed out before I said something I regretted and went back to the hospital. We went for several days without really talking that much. When we did, it ended in the same fight over and over again. She was convinced we weren’t soul mates, and she was being punished by God. The night she died . . .” He swallowed hard and briefly closed his eyes. “I was intentionally staying late at the hospital again. We’d fought earlier that day so I was trying to avoid another one. I got a call around eleven thirty or so. It was Laura.”
Josh once again allowed himself to be swept away in the memory, his voice quiet as he recounted the events of that night to Alessa.
“Dr. Parker,” he answered as he bustled toward the elevator, trying to catch it before the doors slid closed.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I’ve been so selfish.”
He stopped in his tracks, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Why was Laura calling to apologize to him? Over the past week she’d made no attempts to make amends, so why was she now? And why did her voice sound so strange? It was like there was an echo behind her or something.
“Laura—”
“No, don’t say anything. Let me finish.”
Josh closed his mouth and waited for her to speak. He began to walk toward the exit. He couldn’t explain it, but he knew in his gut something wasn’t right, and if he didn’t go to Laura right now, he’d live to regret it. It was common for people in a manic state to harm themselves, and Laura had been in a constant manic state lately.
“God is punishing me,” she said.
Not this again, he thought as he left the hospital and stepped out into the frigid night air.
“I’m not following His path. I know that, and I have to make it right because the longer I’m with you, the more you’re being punished, too.”
“I’m not being punished, Laura, neither are you. There are perfectly legitimate medical reasons why we can’t have a baby. God has nothing to do with this.” He broke into a jog across the parking lot. His heart was lodged in his throat. Keep her talking was all he could think.
“God has His hands in everything, Josh.”
He was in his car pulling away from the hospital. “Where are you, honey? Let’s talk about this.” His pulse quickened and fear coursed through his veins. His body was electrified with the need to get to her, to wrap her in his arms and apologize for being so neglectful of her recently, to tell her how much he loved her, how empty his life would be without her.
“There’s nothing left to talk about. I never meant to ruin your life.”
“You didn’t ruin my life, baby. You’ve made it better. I love you, Laura. Please, let me come to you so we can talk. We can work this out.”
“I need to cleanse myself. It’s the only way I can have a fresh start.”
The line went dead, but not before he heard the distinct sound of tires on metal and rushing water. Laura was at the bridge. Why was she there? She hated the water. Josh swore his heart stopped. He pressed down harder on the accelerator not caring if he got pulled over for speeding. His wife needed him.
His car came to a screeching halt just in time to see Laura plunge over the railing and into the freezing water below. “Laura!” He was out of the car in an instant, running toward the embankment and down it to the river’s edge. “Laura!” Josh scanned the area, frantic, and that’s when he saw her red hair floating around on top of the water.
He dove in after her, the water so cold it shocked his system. He gasped for breath, fighting to keep his calm and stay above the water. Josh reached her and dragged her to the opposite side, pulling her out of the water, and starting CPR.
“C’mon, Laura, baby, stay with me. It’s okay. I’m here.” He pinched her nose and blew into her mouth, which was a feat considering he was shaking and shivering so badly he couldn’t be still. His focus was shot, his concentration non-existent. “Please, baby, wake up. I love you.” He pressed his hands to her chest, desperate to bring her back.
Time seemed to slow for him. He continued to do CPR, continued to hope and pray he could save her, that this was just some sick nightmare, a test of faith, maybe. Dear God, please don’t take her from me. I love her. I want a chance to make things right with her. But no matter how many chest compressions he did or how much air he gave her, she remained motionless. Cold. Lifeless.
“Laura! Laura, baby, come on, open your eyes for me,” Josh pleaded through tears. He dropped his forehead to hers. No, she wasn’t dead. She wasn’t. He turned so his ear was near her mouth. She was breathing, wasn’t she? Or was that just the frigid breeze playing tricks on his senses?
“Sir, you need to let us take her,” the man said.
“No!” Josh swatted the men away. “You can’t take her. She’s alive. She’s breathing.” He looked up at the young EMT hovering over him. When did they get here? Josh hadn’t called them. Who had?
“Please move out of the way so we can do our job,” the EMT said more forcefully.
“Suicide,” Alessa mumbled roughly, pulling him from his memory.
Josh turned his attention to her and noticed the tears spilling down her cheeks. He reached up and wiped them away while losing the battle to contain his own. “I couldn’t save her,” he said, his voice thick with guilt. “I couldn’t save our unborn children. I couldn’t save Dylan. And I’m terrified I won’t be able to save you.”
And there it was—his deepest fear.
Alessa took his face in her hands, her palms covering his cheeks. She stared into his eyes, and she waited until she was sure he was hearing her, all the way focused on her words. “You already have,” she whispered.
Josh hugged her tight, his face buried in the crook of her neck, the scent of her perfume anchoring him. It was then, in that moment he knew, without a doubt, he was in love with Alessa. She was his fresh start, his gift from God. Josh never thought he’d feel this way again after Laura. But he did, and he vowed not to fail Alessa like he had Laura.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Alessa suggested they skip the aquarium, but Josh insisted. She knew what that kind of soul bearing did to your nerves so she would have understood if he wanted to go home. Home. She wanted that with Josh. And though faith wasn’t coming easily to her right now, she had to believe the reason beneath all of the darkness that surrounded her, was so she could find the light. Josh was the light, or at the very least, for her, the key. To what she now wanted more than anything else—a life, a family, a forever with him.
“I’m just going to grab a parking pass, okay?” Josh said, pulling Alessa from her thoughts. She looked to see that they had parked, and he was watching her warily. She smiled brightly.
“Of course,” she replied. He continued to hold her gaze while he reached out and stroked his thumb across her lip slowly, watching the movement. Moving his thumb to her cheek, he closed the distance between them, kissing her lips gently. He cupped the back of her head and pulled her more tightly to him. Her hand went immediately to his chest, moving upward and finding its way around his neck, into his hair. He pulled back, keeping his face close.
“Are you okay? Are we okay?” he asked, his voice wavering. Alessa closed her eyes while she nodded. Say it or it will just be one more thing trapped inside of your head.
“I just,” she opened her eyes, “I’m not trying to replace Laura. I don’t want you to think that I expect—”
“I know that. I didn’t think that. I just wanted to you to know all of me before
we move forward. How do I get you to believe me when I tell you you’re what I want? That I never thought I’d want a future with someone again, but now it’s all I can think of. With you. Only you. No ghosts between us. My past will always be part of who I am, but the mistakes I made have turned me into a better man.”
“You’re the best man I’ve ever known. The best person,” she whispered, tears stinging her eyes. He’d shared his past and could assure her the only ghosts were the ones he’d laid bare on the bridge. She couldn’t do the same for him and until she could, she couldn’t tell him exactly what she wanted him to say to make her really believe. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Once words were spoken, their power multiplied. So until she could remember, she’d keep those three words to herself.
The aquarium wasn’t busy, but that was to be expected considering it was only an hour before closing. They wandered, hand in hand through exhibits, stopping in front of the amazing tanks. There were some families with their children, some groups of teens, and a large group of exchange students being led by an aquarium tour guide, but mostly, they didn’t have to wait to see any of the displays. It was interesting to be inside one place, but feel like you were part of another world entirely.
“They’re such amazing creatures,” Alessa said, unable to take her gaze off of the sharks. They swam back and forth, powerful and sure, uncaring of the eyes that watched them, sleek and strong.
“From out here, yes, but I don’t understand how people go surfing or swimming when they know these beasts are just below them.” Josh gave a fake shudder.
The tour guide explained to the group of students how the sharks were becoming more and more endangered. It was interesting to listen. Alessa felt the desire to absorb all of the knowledge she could, in whatever way she could. It was beginning to bother her she didn’t know whether she was “smart” or successful. Had she gone to college?
“You have that look.” Josh pulled her gently down the carpeted corridor that led to the underwater penguin viewing area.
“What look?” She was amused he thought he had her looks figured out. Though she definitely knew some of his as well.
“The look that says you are thinking about something far too intense for the fun we are supposed to be having on a date,” he teased. Most of the penguins were on the rocks above so from their vantage point, Josh and Alessa could see the bellies of the ones that were swimming and the few that dove in head first. Alessa giggled when one of them came near the glass.
“See,” Josh said, “that’s what a date sounds like.”
His voice was too solemn and now she knew she wasn’t the only one thinking of far deeper things. The smell of fries and fish wafted through the air, making Alessa think of the beach. She closed her eyes a moment and pictured it, just like she’d done that day during her MRI, realizing how much she loved the beach, the feel of salty air on her skin and her tongue. She licked her lips as though she could taste the salt. Josh was staring at her, and she realized it was only the two of them in this dimly lit, underwater cavern. His eyes almost glowed, and the glass panels shielding the water gave the illusion of weightlessness, a dreaminess.
Josh stepped closer, and Alessa inhaled sharply. All she could smell was Josh: soap, aftershave, hunger. He bent his head, pulled her a little closer, and his nose brushed along her collarbone, causing a pool of warmth in her belly. Her hand went to his bicep for balance but being this close to him made that impossible. Even standing still, she felt like she was tilting, shifting, falling. He kept his head bent, not moving but the nearness of him was exhilarating, it caused tiny bumps to form along her flesh, but she didn’t feel cold. He pressed a little closer, one of his hands going to her hips, gripping lightly. She could feel his breath on her and closed her eyes. He stepped into her, causing her to step back. She felt the cool pane of glass at her back and the heat of Josh at her front. He whispered her name like a sweet, soft prayer. His lips hovered over hers, his nose touching hers, their hands holding each other, anchoring themselves to each other, as they breathed each other’s air.
“The penguins were born here, in captivity, but the aquarium—” the tour guide’s voice trailed off, and Alessa surfaced to the sound of giggling. Josh put his forehead to hers, keeping his eyes shut, like if he couldn’t see them, they weren’t there. It made Alessa giggle as well, causing the tour guide to clear his throat.
Josh stayed where he was, but looked over his shoulder and nodded to the middle aged man who looked increasingly flustered. This was clearly not part of the tour. Josh backed up slightly, but stayed facing the tanks. Alessa slid out from where she had been, unintentionally brushing against the front of his body. She heard Josh suck in a harsh breath. She shrugged, trying not to giggle again as she stood beside him, facing the penguins, who were now diving and swimming around more actively. Alessa’s shoulders shook as the tour guide gave a very fast overview of how the penguins were cared for.
“Think this is funny, do you?” Josh asked, leaning close to her ear.
“A little bit, yes.” She was unable to look at him for fear of breaking out into full fits of laughter. The group moved past them, many still giggling. Once they passed, Josh looked down at her with a sweet, tender smile. She took his hand and went up on tiptoe, giving him a playful kiss that matched the moment and, for once, the feeling in her heart.
“You realize you make me lose my mind right? I actually forget we’re in a public place. You consume me.” His voice was husky.
“Is that a bad thing?” she whispered, lowering her lashes slightly. He pulled her closer, hugging her.
“No. Dangerous, maybe. And perhaps a little awkward at certain moments,” he said.
“Sorry,” she managed.
“You don’t look all that sorry.” He arched his eyebrows. He kept his arm around her shoulder as they walked from their secluded penguin hideaway into the brightness of the jellyfish tanks.
“I’m not really. To be honest, it feels incredible to me that you . . . that you could want me,” Alessa said quietly, watching the spongy creatures bounce around in their homes.
“You really don’t see your own allure. Rest assured, sweetheart, I want you. I care for you . . . deeply. When we have figured out who hurt you, when we’ve put this behind us, I intend to make myself incredibly clear on how badly and how much.”
She looked at him then, his eyes were heated, but they were also sincere. She wasn’t even completely sure of how he would make those things clear, but the thought of it, of him showing her, telling her, sent shivers up her spine.
“I think this is the best date, ever.” She leaned her head on his arm because she didn’t quite reach his shoulder. He squeezed her hand.
“Hmm. There will be others. Many. I promise you. We’ll just try not to get caught making out on the next ones,” he suggested, making her laugh again.
“You started it,” she said saucily, making him grin.
“Yes I did. And one day, we’ll finish it, together,” he whispered, kissing her slow and sweet.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Raymond pounded his fist on his steering wheel repeatedly. He was glad he was alone. Sometimes, when he felt these fits of rage and he wasn’t alone, a darkness would come over him, a veil that prevented him from truly assessing the outcome of his actions. He was man enough to admit the veil had impaired his better judgment the night he beat Alessa. He shouldn’t have left the finer details to the idiots who worked for him. No. He was the proverbial self-made man and important decisions needed a leader to carry them out. Which is why, he took a deep breath, pasted a phony smile on his face, and got out of the car.
He wanted answers, and he would have them. As he walked toward the hospital, he hoped he would not have to make anyone sorry they tried to stand in his way. There was no more time to waste. He needed to find Alessa and that doctor. Every day for the past several days, he’d sent his lackeys to the diner where Alessa used to work. They’d go have a meal—on h
is dime—and casually ask where she was. Even the effort to tail Kristy had been useless. Like it or not, someone in this hospital was going to help him, or they were going to end up with a fate very similar to the one still awaiting Alessandra.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Josh needed to go to the hospital today. He didn’t want to go, but he had to. He liked living in this tiny space that only held him and Alessa, but that wasn’t realistic. If he truly wanted to build a life with her, he needed to reclaim the one he had to some degree. As he waited for the coffee, nearly salivating with the need for it, he thought about being a doctor and which parts he still loved. It was easy to focus on the things he hated: the death, the hopelessness that accompanied some cases, the hours, emergency room shifts, and lack of sleep. Yes, he hated all of those. There were still several things that pulled at him, that fueled him and inspired him.
He loved helping people; the thrill of telling loved ones everything had gone better than expected. He loved the pace of the work, the discovery, the research, and, yes, the feeling of power that rose in his chest when his patients came through a surgery, when his nurses high fived him on a job well done.
“I’m a doctor. That’s who I am,” he mumbled to himself as he poured his coffee. He didn’t want to change his profession but he had been thinking for some time now that he wanted to change his job. The hospital was a job, and it was sucking the life out of him. That had been okay before, but not now. Not now that he had a life he wanted to reclaim. Not now that he knew his heart wasn’t irreparably damaged. He had some ideas that had been floating around in his head, but he hadn’t been brave enough to act yet. One more thing Alessa had given him back—his courage. And she thought she hadn’t given him a thing. Just thinking of her made his skin tingle, and his heart pick up its pace. Checking his watch, he went to kiss her goodbye and let her know he would be gone for a few hours. When he came home, they’d talk about the next steps they would take, together.
Dangerous Love Page 17