Why, then, did she keep looking to the trees, toward the spot where she’d parted from Ell? Surrounded by excited voices talking about their return, why could she hear those mocking the fini loudest of all?
Visions of the raid still clung to her, thoughts of taking all she could, of one day having her own songs, but she wished Gilka would find another land, another people, far from this place of thralls who could never be anything greater.
Chapter Eleven
The afternoon light turned the calming pool into a well of gold. Ell watched from the shore as her fellow fini immersed themselves and came out cleansed, sublime looks on their faces. The guards who lounged on the rocks didn’t give her a second glance. Maybe they assumed she’d already gone in. She’d promised Aesa she wouldn’t, and the need to obey was strong but not undeniable. She could wash away her wistfulness.
But it was an order, one she remembered. With a sigh, she turned away. Without the calming, maybe she wouldn’t be fini anymore, and she could never be a shapti. Maybe she was no one.
She held her breath, pictures lined up in her mind, ready to fight against the black spots, but they were slight, barely a wisp. Thoughts tumbled around in her head, and she began to notice what she’d never seen. Those fini who’d put on the gray handed out dry garments. They would only take their turns in the pool late at night so as not to offend the shaptis. If they lived, all fini would put on the gray eventually, but Ell had never really looked at one before. Their bodies were like hers, only older or scarred. Their eyes were bright, as eager to please as any fini but denied the opportunity. It hurt her chest.
A line of fini led her to a village on the other side of the forest from Aesa’s people, the most likely place her clan would be. She broke off from the pack when they arrived, seeking out Lida, wanting an elder’s advice.
She found her clan quickly, all of them staying in the same house, as they always had. Ell thought Lida might ask questions, but her fingers only traveled over Ell’s face, smoothing out the lines.
Ell gently pushed her away. “The warrior led me into the forest and kept me there all night.”
“And now you’ve returned.” Lida smiled, a look that said all was right. She seemed to have forgotten the warrior women and the shaptis who’d lain down and hadn’t gotten back up. “A shapti has been looking for you.” When Ell didn’t hurry from the house, Lida asked, “Do you have pain?”
“No, elder.”
“A shapti was looking for you,” Lida said again. She looked Ell over from head to toe. “Why are you still standing here?”
Ell forced a bright smile. “Where did the shapti go?”
Lida directed her to one of their large houses where groups of shaptis gathered to eat and sleep. She found several lounging in a common room, their armor scattered about. The sounds of their voices washed over her, calming her, the scent of them making her sigh in relief. She greeted them with bright smiles, happy that some things hadn’t changed.
“There you are!” Siobhan came striding from the crowd, sharp teeth stretching her mouth. “After those barbarians sacked Monsel and Avanir, I thought you dead. Your little clan must have good luck!”
Ell smiled sweetly. “I am glad you are well.”
“I’m lucky is what I am. If they’d chosen me to escort your clan, I’d be dead.” She put her palms to Ell’s cheeks. “Luckily, the brutes stopped before they killed my favorite little fini.”
The words warmed her, and she leaned into the caress.
“One fini, another, what’s the difference?” one of the other shaptis asked. “There are thousands more like her.”
Ell’s stomach clenched, and she fought the urge to frown. She kept her voice sweet as she asked, “Is there some way I can please you, shapti?”
“There’s only one way a fini can please me, and that’s by leaving.” He took a long drink. “And someone needs to teach you not to speak unless directed.”
Siobhan curled an arm around Ell’s waist. “This one’s mine, Aiden. If she needs to be taught anything, I’ll do it.”
He stood. “If I wanted her, I’d have her.”
Siobhan thrust Ell to the side, and Ell fought down a tide of fear as her foot caught in a rug. She would have fallen if someone hadn’t caught her arm. Calm, she had to be calm, but anger reared again, along with lingering fear and the need to comfort everyone, to soothe this situation. As Siobhan and Aiden fell to bickering, Ell wanted to clutch her head and scream. Too many emotions gathered in her head, threatening to break it open. She took a step toward the door, wanting to sprint for the calming pool as fast as legs would allow.
“Easy there,” a gentle voice said.
She looked up into the face of another shapti, his features less sharp than the others, dulled by more fini blood. “Thank you for helping me.” She tried to plaster a serene smile on her face and wondered how badly she was failing.
“I’m Niall.”
“Niall,” she said as she bowed, wondering what she’d done to earn his name. “It is my pleasure to serve you.”
“Niall,” an elder shapti called, “have that one pour some drinks, and let’s get on with it. Siobhan, Aiden, sit down.”
Niall winked at her. “We better do as Elder Morgan says.” He stayed by her side, guiding her toward the side where an ewer of wine rested on a small table. “What’s your name?” he whispered.
“Ell.” He stayed with her as she poured, taking the orders of the other shaptis as if he were a fini. She almost laughed to see it, but she knew the other shaptis would find such a reaction offensive. Strangely, the idea of offending the shaptis made her want to laugh harder.
She handed drinks around and then stood by the ewer, awaiting orders. To her further amusement, Niall waited by her side. Maybe he had too much fini blood, and it pleased him to obey. She wondered what would happen if he ventured into the calming pool, but the blackness crept into her vision, so she listened to the conversation around her.
The shaptis’ words would have flowed placidly over her head before, but now she tried to make sense of them. She didn’t recognize much, shapti things like weapons or fighting. As they spoke of Aesa’s people, though, she tried to follow along.
“We don’t have accurate numbers,” Aiden said. “No one made it out of Avanir alive.”
“What of the scouting party?” Elder Morgan asked.
“Hasn’t returned.”
“Most likely caught and killed,” Siobhan said.
Elder Morgan scrubbed through his pale hair. “And the fini could tell you nothing?”
They all chuckled. “You know fini,” someone said.
Elder Morgan looked to her. “What do you remember about the invaders?” he asked, not unkindly. “Do you know how many there were? Do you remember what they did?”
“Can fini count?” Aiden asked.
Ell thought of what Lida would say. “The shaptis fell down and didn’t get back up. We tried to help them.”
He gazed at her with a pitying smile. “I know you did.” He turned back to the room. “Perhaps the aos sí should have made some of them smarter.”
“They knew what they were doing,” Aiden said, “making them as disposable as possible.”
Many of the other shaptis disagreed, and Ell wondered at them. All fini acted the same, whether they wore the gray or not. They all wanted to please; all were pleasant, agreeable, and helpful. Some shaptis were friendly, but others were angry or sad or liked to hurt people. Some in the room stared at Ell openly, and she spotted every emotion ranging from desire to dismissal just in this group. She knew how to react to all of those looks, including the easy nature of Niall, the hungry anticipation of Siobhan, the disdain of Aiden, and the kindness of Elder Morgan.
Sex was easiest. If Aiden even wanted sex with a fini, it would be painful, and she would need the other fini to help her recover, but recover she would. Siobhan liked it when Ell was energetic, playful, and enthusiastic. Niall would want conversation beforeh
and, would want to pretend he had to earn her affection. Rather than sex, Elder Morgan would want caring for: foot rubs and spiced wine, good cooking.
She would have noticed all of that before, but now her stomach churned at the thought of being with someone like Aiden, and she fought the urge to either look away from his gaze or frown into it.
“Send word to Dioden and Lister,” Elder Morgan said. “We’ll join forces with them and march on the barbarians.”
“Should we try to contact the aos sí?” another shapti asked.
They all inhaled so sharply it seemed to take the air from the room. Ell had heard of the aos sí before but never in detail, never enough to know why they frightened the shaptis so.
“Not yet,” Elder Morgan said. “Dismissed.”
Siobhan leapt from her seat and grabbed Ell. “Come with me, lovely. We have a little time, and I have such plans for you.”
*
When the shaptis returned from marching on the barbarians, Ell was waiting, anxious to hear of Aesa, but she tried to disguise it as worry for the shaptis’ safety. Three days without the pool had left her with sharpness in her mind, and it made her nervous, something she’d always left behind in the calming pool. She’d been taught to notice the slightest shifts in a shapti’s moods, but now that power bled into the rest of her life.
All fini were nearly the same, varying only in the color of their hair and eyes, but they were almost the same height, the same weight. Shaptis varied greatly, tall and short, thin and heavy, and their features could be so different from one another.
And the gray fini worked so hard! Before, everything she’d wished for seemed to appear in front of her. Now she watched the grays farm food and clean houses and gather water and firewood. She noticed their calloused hands and the harsh words that the shaptis heaped upon them. When a shapti pushed a gray, Ell thought of Aesa’s people. It was such casual violence, and it chilled her to the bone.
In the night, when she remembered the shaptis dying and Aesa’s people laughing, her insides cramped as if she lived in those moments again. And then anger boiled within her like stewed wine, thick and syrupy. It clung to her until she wanted to gnash her teeth. On the second day, when she’d been alone, she’d wept for the first time since her birth. All fini were born crying, the elders told them, but their first dip in the pool cleansed them of that.
The morning after she’d cried, Lida thought her puffy eyes meant she was ill. She’d brushed Ell’s hair, trying to keep her beautiful. And though Ell wanted to sink into that comfort, she felt repelled by it. Without the pool, would any of them care about one another?
She learned to wash her face with cool water before the rest of the fini awakened. If the shaptis knew she hadn’t been in the pool, she suspected that her fate would be worse than putting on the gray. And the time would soon come when the shaptis would take her clan to the pool again, and she didn’t know what she’d do without Aesa to force her away.
Perhaps the shaptis and Aesa’s people would kill one another, leaving the fini alone in the world. Maybe they’d sink into the pools until they drowned.
Now she searched for Siobhan but smiled at everyone, desperate for news. The shaptis didn’t appear frightened or angry, and they weren’t carrying any dead, nor were any of Aesa’s people among them. Perhaps the fight was over.
Niall stopped in front of her, smiling widely. “Waiting for us?”
“It’s my pleasure. Is there something you’d like?”
“The barbarians have left the island, but don’t worry; we’ve built up defenses in case they return.”
As if fini were allowed to worry. When he didn’t leave, she forced herself to say, “Would you like some refreshment?”
“I’d gladly take some.”
He followed her into the small house she shared with her clan, and they all fussed over him. She would have left them to it, but his stare followed her. He was nice enough, not as handsome as a fini, but she had learned to call all shaptis glorious. He was confident and easygoing and laughed a lot, easy to keep happy. Before, such thoughts would have pleased her, but now they left her hollow.
Perhaps that was why Aesa stayed in her thoughts. Nothing about her was pretend.
“Ell?” Niall touched her arm, and she jumped, almost dropping a platter of food. “Are you all right?”
He should have just told one of the others to take her to the pool or exchange her for another. Was he not used to fini, or did he like feigning concern?
She took a deep breath. “I am well.”
Lida rubbed her arm, soothing her. “She is well.”
“Good.” He ate and talked, and she tried to join in, but out of everything emotions did to her, chattering in her head was the worst. Some had to show on her face.
When Niall commanded the other fini to leave, Ell’s heart began to pound. Hopefully, he just wanted sex, something she could feed emotion into. With a seductive smile, she slinked toward him.
Niall put a hand out to stop her, and she wanted to brush past, to forget any honeyed words and proceed to the physical, but he said, “I want to know what’s wrong with you.”
“I am however you wish me to be.”
“You’re not like other fini.”
A muscle in her cheek jumped, but she didn’t let it kill her smile. “You won’t know until you try me.”
Still, he held her off, just like Aesa. What was wrong with both of them?
“When was the last time you bathed in the calming pool?” he asked.
Aesa would have hit him with the tray and run, but Ell didn’t know how to be a fearless fighter, didn’t want to know. She could still run, she supposed, but where?
“It’s all right,” Niall said, lowering his voice. “You shouldn’t have to go in.”
Now her heart roared in her ears, and she didn’t dare move.
“There are some of us who believe—”
Outside, someone blew a horn, a call for attention. Niall leapt to his feet. “I have to go. We’ll continue this later.”
Ell stared into space for a time before Lida ventured back inside and grasped her shoulders. “Wonderful news! We’re having a calming sooner than we thought!”
Ell barely heard her, barely heard any of them. There were shaptis who didn’t like the calming pools?
“With all the troubles, they’re concerned for us,” Lida said. The other fini cooed at that.
Concerned? Ell wondered. The returning shaptis had slapped one another on the back as if they’d achieved a great victory when they hadn’t even faced Aesa’s people in battle. What would make them concerned about the fini?
Siobhan ducked into the house, and the other fini hustled out. “My little lovely, let’s celebrate!” Siobhan said more, but Ell couldn’t listen. There were shaptis who didn’t like the calming pools. What in the world could that mean?
When Siobhan undressed her, Ell let some of her anger come through, using the sex to mask it, attacking Siobhan, who beamed at her for the effort.
But anger couldn’t last, and Ell pictured Aesa in Siobhan’s place: short, untidy hair, her features without shapti harshness, like a fini, but with so many expressions. Her right cheek had been dirty, her scent like earth. Would she want rough sex or slow, sensual movement? Whatever she wanted, it would be honest, every moment of it.
*
When the shaptis rounded up several clans and marched them toward the nearest pool, Ell figured out why they were concerned. She’d had a few hours to think on it. With Aesa’s people lurking about, the shaptis didn’t know when they’d next get a chance for a fini calming. Any concern they had was for making sure the fini didn’t become like her, didn’t begin to really see the world.
Anger coated her again, but then she wondered if it would be so bad. After one dip in the calming pools, she could return to safety and comfort and freedom from worry. She would be cared for all her life, and all it would cost was emotions she didn’t want. Aesa would be disappointed
, but Ell could soothe that away.
The fini around her glowed with anticipation, faces shining, their eyes fixed upon the pool in its clearing. One of the shaptis yawned, all of them bored beyond measure. Ell had hoped Niall would be at the pool, but perhaps he’d drawn some other duty.
Her clan marched closer, waiting their turn. Just a bit farther, and it would be over. She could be as she was, and she wouldn’t even remember this nightmare.
When fini passed her up the line, she realized her feet were dragging. Sweat slid down her brow, and little twitches began in her legs. What was this? She didn’t want knowledge, and she didn’t want feelings. She should be running for the pool!
Aesa’s smiling face flashed past her mind’s eye along with Aiden’s callous, almost hate-filled eyes; Siobhan’s lust; Niall’s concern; and Aesa’s people laughing at fini misery. All of that would still happen if she went into the pool. The gray fini would be as mistreated. She’d simply lose the ability to see it and know what it meant.
And Niall had said that fini shouldn’t have to go in the pools. Maybe he knew of others like her.
“Why aren’t you moving?” Lida asked.
Ell tried to say, “Help me, elder,” but what came out was, “A shapti summons me from the trees.”
Lida smiled, that excuse trumping all others. Ell thought someone would cry out. Her ears burned with the imagined sound of it, but the fini only watched the pool, and she could tell by the bored glances of the shaptis that they thought she must have a purpose.
Back inside the trees, Ell leaned against an oak and wept. The thought that she could join the others in the pool beat in her head steadily, but the day passed, and she clung to the tree as if a strong wind tried to dislodge her. Just after sunset, she found a creek and doused her hair with dirty water. When she rejoined the fini, no one questioned what she’d been doing, their passing glances assuming she was someone else’s responsibility.
Thrall Page 14