Fiddling with one end of his mustache, the human narrowed his eyes. “How much gold?" he asked quietly. “How many flame crystals?”
“Four hundred ingots of gold. One hundred and twenty-five crystals. All salvaged from an abandoned Pakled freighter.”
“I’m afraid that’s a bit low,” sighed Harvey, slumping into his chair. “At this stage, with all the expense already incurred, we would need at least three times that amount to put the relief effort back in the black.”
Zep cracked his knuckles and hissed. “I was thinking more along the lines of donating twenty percent!" he said gruffly.
“It will take three hundred percent,” said Harvey. Directing his attention to the computer terminal in front of him, he hit some keys on the keypad, as if he were doing the math. Bobbing his head as he watched the screen, he mumbled to himself...and then, with a flourish, he hit a final key and jumped up out of his seat. “Yes! See?” Gripping the terminal, he yanked it around so the screen faced Zep...then yanked it away before Zep could actually read it. “Three hundred percent!”
Again, the Captain had to admire the Earther. Murk had the lobes of a Finagi; he knew his opponent was holding out on him.
“All right,” sighed Zep. “One hundred percent. It’s for a worthy cause, after all.”
“Three hundred,” cooed the human. “Not an ingot or flame crystal less.”
Zep spread his arms pleadingly. “How can I give you what I don’t have? I already told you -- four hundred ingots, one hundred and twenty-five crystals!”
Without taking his eyes off the Finagi, Murk reached down and pressed a contact on the desktop. “Parso?" he said calmly.
“Yes, Harvey?" the Forbosian’s childlike voice replied from a hidden speaker.
“Initiate Plan B,” said Murk. “Immediately.”
“Yes, Harvey,” said Parso Poncil.
Coolly, Harvey turned off the intercom and sat down.
For a moment, Murk and Zep stared at each other and said nothing. Harvey smiled and drummed his fingers on the desk; Zep gaped expectantly, barely able to restrain his impatience.
Finally, it got the better of him. “Well?" he said.
“ 'Well’ what?" smiled Harvey.
“What is 'Plan B’?" asked Zep.
“Oh, nothing,” said Harvey, waving dismissively. “Nothing for you to worry your little head about, sonny.”
Zep stewed for a moment, but he had to find out. “I’ll decide what I should worry about!" he snapped. “What is 'Plan B’?”
Leaning back in his chair, Harvey put his feet on the desk and folded his hands in his lap. “Oh, it’s just a little probe,” he said.
“What kind of probe?”
“The Forbosians probed your ship’s computer,” explained Harvey. “They downloaded the coordinates of your homeworld, so they don’t need you to lead them there.”
“What?”
“The fleet should be launching in...oh...any minute now.”
Zep took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. It was never good to lose control in the middle of a negotiation.
He did anyway. “Two hundred percent!" he shrieked. “That’s all we have! Stop the fleet!”
“Three hundred percent,” said Harvey.
“Two hundred percent is everything!" insisted Captain Zep. “Eight hundred ingots and two hundred and fifty flame crystals! That’s everything!”
Sliding his feet off the desk, Murk leaned forward. His expression shifted from blithe indifference to something new: unabashed, down-and-dirty, undiluted avarice.
Zep wondered if all Earthers were this talented.
Harvey pressed the intercom control. “Parso?" he said. “Has the fleet left yet?”
“No, Harvey,” replied Parso Poncil.
“Tell them to stand by,” said Harvey, his voice noticeably deeper and slower than before.
“Would you mind waiting outside a moment?" he asked Zep, lips curling in an evil smirk.
“Do we have a deal?" the Finagi persisted anxiously. “Two hundred percent, and you call off the invasion?”
“Outside,” insisted the human, pointing a finger at the door.
“But...”
“Out,” said Murk.
Captain Zep walked out of the room. The door slid shut behind him.
He sighed with relief. The Earther was playing rough, but he was pretty sure the deal was on and Finaginar was safe.
Leaning a shoulder against the wall, Zep suddenly realized he was shaking a little. Bargaining with the human had been quite a workout...the most strenuous he’d had in a while.
And, he had to admit, the most fun.
He smiled. He really had enjoyed the challenge. The thrill of the deal.
And he hadn’t done so badly, really. After all, the holds of the Acquisitor contained four hundred percent of what he’d promised to pay the human.
*****
Harvey couldn’t wait to see the look on the Finagi’s face. It would be priceless.
After some deliberation -- a catnap, actually -- Harvey had summoned Zep and Parso to his office. They were all gathered there now -- Harvey seated behind the desk, Zep standing directly in front, tapping his foot...Parso swaying in the rafters, like always.
Harvey couldn’t wait.
“I’ve called you here,” he began solemnly, “to announce a most splendid turn of events.
“Despite the tribulations of his own people,” continued Harvey, “this little creature has made a most magnanimous gift.
“In the true spirit of selflessness, he has decided that the Forbosian fleet should attend to some deserving world other than his own. Though his people face an uphill battle, he knows that they would rather suffer a little longer and know that they have done their part for their brothers across the stars...for it is better to give than to receive.”
Captain Zep cracked his knuckles and hissed softly.
“And that’s not all,” said Harvey, smiling proudly. “They are also making a generous contribution to the Interplanetary Widows and Orphans Fund Unlimited!”
Harvey’s voice turned melodramatic and he rose from his chair. “These destitute, snaggletoothed midgets, with so little to call their own, have dug deep in the name of brotherhood...and have set an example for us all!
“Thank you, my itty-bitty friend!" roared Harvey. “Your gift shall make a difference in someone’s life.
“A very big difference,” nodded Harvey...and then he winked at Zep.
Then, he went in for the kill.
“Said contribution will consist of the following,” said Harvey, adopting a more businesslike tone. He reached for a data pad on the desktop and raised it to eye level.
“Eight hundred gold ingots,” he read from the pad. “Two hundred and fifty Andorian flame crystals.”
Relieved to be done with the whole ugly business, Zep nodded. “That’s right,” he said good-naturedly. “We were happy to help.” Strolling over to the Forbosian, he stood on tippy-toe to reach for the being’s hand. “Nice meeting you. It’s been a pleasure.”
Tellingly, the swaying silvery giant did not return the handshake.
Harvey Murk cleared his throat loudly. “And...,” he continued.
Zep spun around. “And?" he yapped.
“And,” said Murk, “the entire Finagi vessel now in orbit around Forbos...all its contents...”
“What?" yelped Zep.
“And...”
“And?”
“And, all valuables and personal effects belonging to this little creature and every member of his crew,” finished Harvey.
Zep gaped. His eyes and mouth were wide with disbelief; his enormous ears quivered.
Harvey covered his own mouth because he just couldn’t hold back a chuckle.
Priceless. It was just priceless.
“Thank you for your contribution,” said Harvey, barely stifling a gale of laughter. “I’ll see that you get a receipt for tax purposes.”
And th
at, as they say, was the last straw.
Zep seethed for a split-second, glaring at Harvey Murk...and then he leaped across the desk and clamped both hands around the human’s throat.
“Let...go...of...me...sonny boy,” gasped Murk, struggling to pry loose the Finagi’s fingers. “No...use...crying...over...spilled...ingots,” he grunted...and then he started to laugh despite his predicament.
Berserk Zep kept pressing the attack, squeezing harder. “You insufferable oaf!" he howled, so empowered with rage that the much bigger human could not fend him off. “I’ll rip you limb from limb!”
Thrashing on the floor, Harvey thumped the Finagi against the wall -- then hauled off and boxed Zep’s prodigious ears with both hands. Squealing in agony, the Captain fell away.
Scuttling back from the squirming Finagi, Harvey grabbed the edge of the desk and fumbled to his feet. Flushed from the exertion, he swung up both fists and began to circle Zep like a prizefighter.
“Put 'em up!" he challenged, taking a few practice pokes in the air. “Come on, junior!”
Shaking his head to try to clear the ringing in his ears, Zep crouched behind the desk. “Stupid human,” he hissed, baring his jagged teeth...and then he lunged at Harvey.
But he didn’t get far.
In mid-leap, he felt something grab the back of his tunic. The wind was knocked out of him by the sudden stop, and then he was hoisted high in the air.
Twisting around, Zep found himself face-to-face with Parso Poncil.
“Attaboy, Parso!" cheered Harvey, dusting off his sleeves and straightening his sparse hair. “Give the little nipper what for!”
“No, Harvey,” said Parso. “I have an announcement.”
“Put me down!" yapped Zep. “Gently!" he added, peering down at the long drop.
“We of Forbos love both your species so much,” Parso continued in his sing-song voice, “but we can see that you are troubled.
“We will help you both,” said Parso, and he blinked -- first one eye, then the other. “We will send a fleet to both Finaginar...and Earth. We will guide and protect both darling worlds and uplift their sweet, suffering peoples.”
“But...,” blurted Harvey.
“But...,” added Zep.
“And we won’t hear a word of argument,” said Parso. “It’s for your own good.”
“Gently!" hollered Zep as Parso began to lower him...but the descent was gentle as a feather settling onto a snowbank.
Without another word, Parso glided from the office.
Harvey Murk stood and stared after him, hands on his hips. “Hmm,” he said thoughtfully.
“Yes,” agreed Zep, copying Harvey’s stance...then catching himself and folding his arms over his chest. “Hmm.”
“Mm-hm,” nodded Harvey.
“Yes yes,” agreed Captain Zep.
“Interesting,” said Harvey.
“Mm-hm,” nodded Zep. “Unexpected.”
“Hmmm,” said Harvey.
“It’s time for a drink, isn’t it?" offered Zep.
“Yes,” said Harvey with a great big nod. “Ohhhh yes.”
*****
Within the space of two hours, the office was littered with empty bottles and Harvey Murk and Captain Zep were best buddies.
“So anyway,” sputtered Harvey, waving a fluted blue flagon. “I told this lout...this lamebrain...this...uh...”
“Horn,” supplied Zep. “You said his name was Horn.”
“Ah, yes. Matty Horn.” Harvey rolled his eyes with disdain and took another drink from the flagon. “I told this Horn that the only way I would accept command of his ship was if he would exonerate me of all the trumped-up charges. Oh, and assign the ten most beautiful crew women to serve as my personal assistants.” Harvey had another drink and snorted. “Horn didn’t care for those conditions, of course.”
“Of course,” said Zep, having a drink of his own from a red-and-white-striped carafe.
“Coward that he is, though, he finally gave in,” laughed Harvey. “While he was hiding in his quarters, I turned back the combined Gorlack-Byzanthion secret attack force and saved the Interplanetary Alliance Council.”
“Incredible,” said Zep...and then he hiccupped. Harvey snickered...then let loose an extended, explosive belch.
The human and the Finagi both erupted in uproarious laughter, rolling around on the floor, knocking over bottles.
When he finally managed to stop howling, Harvey pushed himself to his hands and knees and crawled across the floor toward one of the few unopened bottles.
“So what’s this stuff?" he asked, hefting the bright yellow decanter.
“Beats me,” chuckled Zep, who had provided all the booze from his ship’s stores.
“Must be good, then,” nodded Harvey. Plopping his bottom on the floor, he sat cross-legged and unscrewed the bottle’s cap. “Down the hatch!" he cried, jamming the bottle between his lips and upending it.
“So what do we do then?" asked Zep, propping himself up on one elbow. “These people don’t seem to understand civilized concepts like profit and greed.”
Harvey smacked his lips and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “Do-gooders,” he grumbled. “They’re everywhere, damn them. Like weeds.”
“Damn them,” Zep hissed drunkenly.
“And yet...”
“And yet?”
“And yet, where would we be without them, eh?” Harvey had another tug from the yellow bottle and gave Zep a wink. “Do-gooders and suckers. And do-gooders are really just suckers under the skin, God bless 'em. They want to believe in pixie dust and moonbeams.”
“Pixie dust?”
“You know the difference between a do-gooder and a sucker? A do-gooder is a pigeon who’s been plucked once too often. He wants to get even.”
“Pigeon?”
“Or...”
“Or?”
“Or, he was the one doing the plucking at one time,” Harvey said slyly. “Hmm.”
“What’s a pigeon and how do you pluck it?" Zep snapped impatiently.
Harvey rubbed his chin reflectively and stared into space. “Never mind,” he said slowly. “It doesn’t matter...but I think I may be on to something.”
“Really?" squeaked Zep, his interest piqued.
With some effort, Harvey hauled himself to his feet and headed for the computer terminal. “It is time, my good man, for a little old-fashioned muckraking.” Thrusting himself into the chair at his desk, he began tapping the keyboard. “Let us see what we shall see, shall we?”
*****
Late the next morning, Harvey and Captain Zep awoke with considerable difficulty. Their intractable hangovers were still firmly in place as they set up the big meeting...but by the time the five Forbosian leaders drifted into the office, the adrenaline -- and its Finagi equivalent -- had driven off the sickness.
It was going to be an interesting shindig.
Situated behind the desk, Harvey and Zep ignored the Forbosians as they entered and arranged themselves in a silvery semi-circle. Shuffling papers and whispering to each other, the human and Finagi made the lofty beings wait for several minutes -- heightening the anticipation.
When, at last, one of the Forbosians made a noise that sounded like a cross between clearing a throat and unblocking a drain, Harvey and Zep looked up from their work and seemed to notice their guests for the first time.
“Ah, gentlemen!" Harvey began congenially. “So nice of you to join us!”
Parso Poncil was one of the five, swaying at dead center of the glittering group. “We love you very much, Harvey,” he said softly, “but why did you wish to take the leaders from their leading?”
“Because,” piped up Zep, “we’re going to save the world.”
“We’re going to absolve you of your sins,” chimed in Harvey, tilting his chair back and putting his feet on the desk.
“For a small fee,” added Zep with a toothy grin.
The Forbosians said nothing, but their swaying seemed slower.<
br />
“You see,” said Harvey, “there’s something fishy going on here. I should have picked up on it sooner, but better late than never.
“I know what you di-id!" he sang tauntingly, bobbing his head from side to side.
“You’re not very nice,” fired Zep, craning his head to scowl at each Forbosian face in turn. “You oughtta’ be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Oops!" blurted Harvey. “They already are! They’re so ashamed of themselves, I feel ashamed just being in the same room with them!”
The Forbosians rustled...and, as one, turned toward the door. “Goodbye, Harvey,” chirped Parso. “We are busy and must go, but thank you for the game.”
“Ah ah ah!" snapped Zep, running around to block the exit. “You can’t leave! We’re going to tell you a story!”
“Once upon a time,” said Harvey Murk, walking out from behind the desk and in front of the Forbosians, “there was a race of savage conquerors who killed and plundered their way across the quadrant. Brazen and bloodthirsty, they murdered entire races...and felt good about it!”
“He means you,” said Zep, jabbing a finger at Parso. “And you, and you, and you, and you,” he added, pointing at each of them.
“Then, one day, they had a change of heart. They decided that genocide and mass destruction weren’t all they were cracked up to be. They quit the conqueror business.
“But they didn’t reckon with the guilt. They didn’t know they’d feel so dirty about what they’d done.
“How to balance the books? How to make things right?”
“Buy your way out, of course!" exclaimed Zep.
“Egg-zactly,” Murk said emphatically.
“Indubitably!" returned Zep.
“Your past crimes were keeping you up nights,” said Harvey, “so you decided to give all your ill-gotten gains to the down-and-out! You hired me to do your dirty work for you...and I, being a trusting soul, never thought to look into your background!”
“But we did last night!" said Zep. “You hid the computer files, but not very well.”
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