by Coralee June
Tallis pulled his white hair back into a ponytail and adjusted his shirt. He looked at Jules with a small smile, but it didn't quite meet his eyes. I wondered if he was worried about his people. I realized then that we should have offered to go see his old camp. It would take a good full day to get out there, but maybe some of his people fled to the familiarity of their former home. He took his job as chief very seriously, and I was sure that not knowing where they were was worrying him.
"We should probably check for Walkers," Tallis said. Although we hadn’t seen any in Dormas, there was still a good chance that people camping out here could have gotten infected. Those infected with X were hit with random bursts of violence and agony. But sometimes misery congregated in groups. It was mostly circumstantial. X was like a sweeping punch, attacking entire assemblies of people with one fatal swoop and leaving them all to die together in abandoned buildings.
"We also need to check for any other refugees," he added. Most of the survivors we’d encountered during our three weeks of searching the empire for Payne were just hell-bent on surviving, but some used their need for survival like an excuse to do deplorable things.
Jules pulled the knife from her boot as if preparing for battle. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her theatrics. She was always so eager for a fight.
I grabbed the hand closest to me, smiling when I realized it was Jacob. His mindspeak went wild, "Fuck yes, she picked me." I’d come to appreciate the monotone voice that gave me uninhibited access to his thoughts. Everyone started laughing, the sound a little too cheerful for the old ghost town.
"Let's split up, meet back here in an hour. Whistle if you come across anything dangerous, and no one go too far," Cyler said with an air of authority. It felt good to hear him in leadership mode again. I had fallen in love with his ability to take care of those that he cared for. And now that we were all together again and finding our new normal, we were starting to slip back into our roles, combining who we were previously with the new parts of ourselves.
"You got it," Patrick said in a bright voice before looping his arm through Maverick’s and pretending to skip off. Maverick quickly detached himself and rolled his eyes before chasing after his boisterous friend, mumbling under his breath something about needing coffee.
Cyler paired up with a bored looking Huxley as Kemper joined Jules and Tallis. We all went off in our different directions, and I let Jacob guide me towards an old building. His mindspeak started explaining things to me, and I was comforted by the history lesson.
"This used to be the old clinic," he explained. "I remember chasing Maverick and Cyler around the flashy equipment while their dad yelled at us to get out. Mr. Black was crazy smart, almost scarily so. He worked a lot, too." Inside was dark, and Jacob shined a flashlight he produced from his pocket as we walked around checking for signs of people or danger. I trailed my fingers against a dusty shelf that was empty, reflecting on his words.
"That sounds like Maverick. Must be where he gets it from," I said. Maverick was intelligent and dedicated. It’s what I loved most about him.
"Must be." After we found out that the old clinic was cleared, we went across the street to what Jacob’s mindspeak explained was once the general store. I walked inside, half expecting to feel that familiar flutter of excitement I felt at the bakery in Dormas, but the reality of the abandoned building made those flutters fall flat. The ceiling had caved in, and it wasn't nearly as lovely as the general store Kemper had built.
"Are you okay, Ash?" Jacob’s mindspeak asked, and he sighed as if he wasn't really wanting to ask me that. I was sure on some level they all knew that I wasn't doing okay. But honestly, none of us were. What use was hashing out my issues when we were all going through the same thing? The only thing that would fix this would be to find Payne. He was the key to unlocking the cure and rebuilding this crumbled empire.
"I'm worried about Payne," I answered before tightening my sweater around my body. I had lost a lot of weight, and it seemed like none of my clothes fit anymore. “What if something happened to him? What if we don’t get to him in time?” It wasn't just that I wanted the cure, the lingering threat that my men could become infected with X at any moment scared me.
Above all of that, I had come to care about the little boy. His mother's involvement in all of this baffled me. I wish I had more insight into Dominique’s story. I wanted to know what led her to help out the late Lackley. What kind of mindset would push a person to develop a virus so lethal? “I’m worried you’re all going to contract X,” I said before looking around for signs of anyone. Speaking my fears out loud made them real, and I preferred to lock them away.
“I’m worried, too,” Jacob’s mindspeak said. His expression was reluctant, almost like he didn’t want to share that vulnerable train of thought with me.
I lifted up a piece of plywood, and bugs flew at me from the movement. I swatted them away and nearly fell over my boots before Jacob righted me.
“This is creepy as fuck. Can we just sleep in the transport again?” Jacob’s mindspeak said in a monotone voice, making the hilarity of his words more impactful. I tried not to laugh at the robotic tone, Jacob was sensitive about his disability, but sometimes I had to laugh to stop myself from crying.
“If I have to spend one more night sleeping in the transport with Jules’ snoring, I might kill her, which would be very unfortunate ’cause I just started to like the poor girl,” I said before brushing my hands off on my pants. “This place seems to be in better shape than new Dormas,” I admitted.
“Not by much.”
We walked, exploring the southern side of the buildings with ease, keeping our eyes peeled for infected Walkers and anything we could use to survive. I found an old can of beans and was currently coveting it, clutching the can to my chest like it was something to be treasured.
I’d been hungry many times in my life, but I’d never had others to worry about before. I could sense their weakness and knew that many times they took turns going without so that I had some food. My men were selfless and incredibly caring. How in the empire did I deserve such kindness?
“I bet if we built a house here, we could have the kitchen windows facing the west. You’d get a great view of the sunset while you make us dinner,” Jacob’s mindspeak said as he smiled at me. He reached out to grab hold of my free hand, lacing his calloused fingertips through mine before swinging my arm in a careless way that made this entire experience feel less...daunting.
“I want a large kitchen. Big enough for a table that extends to fit twenty people,” I joined in the fun, imagining a future I wasn’t quite sure would ever happen.
“I bet you want a large bed, too. One that fits all of us,” Jacob’s mindspeak replied, and I laughed. I’d be lying if I hadn’t imagined all of us together, sharing a bed. It seemed like a fun fantasy, but the reality of six snoring men did not appeal to me.
“I’d like my own room. You all can take turns,” I replied cheekily.
Jacob’s mindspeak didn’t register laughter, so instead, his mouth broke out into a wide grin, and he shook his shoulders in amusement, tilting his head back like we were on a date joking about hypotheticals instead of searching for supplies and infected Walkers in a run-down town.
“Funny, huh?” I asked as his laughter calmed down.
“You do realize that we’ll all end up in your bed regardless? It’s hard keeping you out of our sights, Ash.”
He wasn’t wrong. Since everything that had happened recently, our group had solidified in ways that I still was learning to process. We weren’t challenging the dynamic, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt remorse or guilt about allowing them to share me. It had become our new normal, I guess.
“You do realize that Huxley and Cyler snore. And Patrick is a compulsive cuddler. Huxley would probably wake up with his twin spooning him.” I laughed at that visual while trying to keep my eyes peeled. Despite the lightheartedness of our conversation, I still felt on edge.
“Fair enough. But I’ll be sneaking into your room every chance I get,” Jacob said, but it felt like an incomplete thought. His mindspeak started counting numbers like he was trying to avoid me hearing his other unfiltered thoughts. It was a trick he’d picked up, and I was beginning to hate counting.
“Why are you counting, Jacob?” I asked teasingly.
“I don’t want you to hear all the things I want to do to you, five, six, seven…”
“Payne will need his own room, too,” I began, hoping to change the subject if only to stop having to hear the monotone counting.
"I have no idea how we are gonna find him. Or even if we will find him," Jacob’s mindspeak replied. Again, I found his honesty refreshing, but it still hurt to hear. I could've used some of Patrick's optimism then.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Ash. I wish I could control the stupid thing better. Sometimes I wonder if you miss the sound of my voice," Jacob added before slapping his forehead and ripping the mindspeak out of his ear.
I grabbed his hand. "I miss your voice," I replied. "You had this flirty, easy way of talking that just instantly made me like you. But I like that you can't hide behind a flirty smile now. I like knowing what's on your mind. Even if it's hard to hear."
Jacob and I were heading towards the end of the concrete street when I noticed movement ahead of us in a decrepit building to our right. It was nothing but a brief flash, but my time living in the camp taught me to notice such things. I reached out and grabbed Jacob's arm before lifting my free hand up and holding it to my lips, urging him to keep quiet. "Movement," I mouthed, and he pocketed his mindspeak to prevent it from speaking and giving away our location, assuming whoever was up there didn't already know that we were here.
I mentally made a note of how far away the others were, realizing that they would be able to hear us if we screamed. We'd have to hold our own for a little while, but they could get here in a hurry if necessary. Pulling Jacob behind me, I eased us towards a concrete building to our right with cracks up and down the side of it.
Sliding us into the shadows, I pressed my body as close to the side as I could while looking where I noticed the movement before. Since Cavil's death, there had been other groups trying to take control of the empire. Everyone either wanted a piece of the pie or recognition for saving us all.
Then there were people like us, those who just wanted to survive. "Look," I urged in a low whisper while staring towards the dilapidated building with a door hanging off the hinges. Just as I said that, another movement caught my eye. There was definitely a person there. I thought I saw a flash of white hair, but I wasn't sure. During the end of the world, it was everyone for themselves.
"Get Cyler," Jacob mouthed while nodding back towards where we came from. I stopped staring at the occupied building for a moment to look back at where we were. It wasn't too far, we could make it. I swallowed just as I felt the sharp point of a knife at my neck.
Fuck.
Jacob looked fiercely at whoever was on the other side of me holding me at the end of their blade. One swallow, one slight movement, and I'd be dead. Jacob knew it. I knew it. And the person currently holding me against the blade knew it, too. "We don't mean any harm," I whispered, knowing that if I raised my voice, it could startle them. It was a tricky situation. "We were just looking for shelter and supplies; we will leave your land in peace," I added.
I expected the person to end me then. I was too scared to turn my eyes back to him and see who it was at the end of the knife, too afraid to meet my death. But instead of a swift slice along my throat, an awed, clipped voice caught me off guard. "Ash?" I let out a sigh of relief at the familiarity before turning to look at who was threatening my life.
"Thurst?" I asked incredulously when realizing that the tall man towering over me was from Tallis and Mia's Scavenger camp. I hadn't seen him since we first left Dormas. Although my time with him was brief, I jumped up for joy and wrapped my arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly as he choked out a short chuckle in shock. "I can't believe it's you. Where is Bowden? And Hope?" I asked before pulling away and looking him in the eye. His white hair had been cut shorter, but the blue designs along his skin were still beautiful and intricate. He seemed like his time away from Tallis had worn him. He was skinnier, less vibrant.
Thurst frowned before whistling in response. The chirping sound echoed off the concrete buildings, sounding like a small bird as it traveled through the old, deserted town. After a moment, another person emerged from the buildings around us, and I noticed that it was Bowden.
I opened my mouth to ask where Hope was, but Thurst answered my unspoken question first.
“Hope was taken from us.”
At that, my heart completely sank. It nearly disappeared. Tears filled my eyes, and I took in Bowden’s lean form in the distance while grabbing at my chest. For a moment, I felt frozen in my turmoil. My fists were clenched in anger and sadness. My teeth were gnawing a hole in my lip so deep I knew I’d choke on blood.
I grabbed Jacob’s hand and urged him forward, bounding towards Bowden with a sense of disbelief and grief. I could feel the power of Hope’s namesake completely disappearing from my system. Once I was in front of Bowden, I let out a sob before gently wrapping my arms around him. Seeing him was difficult, but losing the baby girl I saved was cracking the last bit of resolve I had. “I’m so sorry,” I choked out. And I was. I was sorry that we weren’t here to help.
I looked at him, frowning when I realized that this was all that was left of Tallis' camp. "Is anyone else..." I trailed off, afraid to say my question out loud.
"We're it. Most migrated, some died of X. Few went off to fight. Some were...captured. We decided to stay put," Thurst said from behind me.
"Oh God, Tallis. Tallis is here!" I exclaimed, realizing that he would want to see them.
There was still hope in Dormas, after all.
Chapter Three
I stared at the flames in the campfire, too lost in my thoughts to really feel the warmth it put off. The winds from the Deadlands carried with them a toxic smell that singed my nose hairs. It was bittersweet, setting up camp with the men I loved while grieving a little girl that was taken from Thurst and Bowden. I was a combination of all the moments leading up to this. I was hardened by Ethros, strengthened by my time in the Deadlands. Destroyed by the idea of everyone I’d ever cared about being taken from me.
I was ruined.
“What are you thinking about?” Huxley asked while drawing in the dirt with a stick.
“Payne,” I replied. “And Hope.” The two children were special to me. Knowing that the cure was within Payne was a relief, but it was also terrifying. What if someone else got to him first? What if he was dead? What if he was captured like Hope was? Thurst and Bowden refused to go into detail, saying that it hurt too much to discuss. A thousand scenarios flooded my mind, and I had to dig my nails into my thighs, pinching them to keep from crying.
I watched the couple with despair. Thurst’s and Bowden's cheeks were sunken in. “I’m a foolish girl, Hux,” I said before brushing away an ant that was crawling along my skin.
“Why do you say that?” Off to the left, Patrick and Kemper were building shelter for the night, so I didn’t have to sleep in the transport again. Naturally, Tallis had whipped up a tent for him and Jules in record time, and they had already disappeared there to be alone. I found it curious that he didn’t want to be with his people, but also understood not being able to look them in the eye. Despite killing Cavil, the enemy, it was still hard to come home to a destroyed Dormas.
“I thought we could come back and just be like it was before,” I began while staring at the glowing embers in the fire. “Dormas isn’t the same. I am not the same,” I replied before standing up. “Good night!” I called out to Bowden and Thurst. I couldn’t sit here any longer. I couldn’t look at them and not think of everything we’d lost. Our reunion was bittersweet, and it didn’t escape me how Tallis was equally thr
illed and disappointed to see what was left of his people. It was hard to watch. Lately, everything was hard to do.
After I brushed dust off my skirt, I waved timidly at the rest of my men before heading towards the tent Kemper put up for me. I couldn’t just sit there while thinking about all the sad things in my life. I had not allowed myself to wallow too much since Cavil’s death. I didn’t see the use. But knowing Hope was gone sent me spiraling. All I could think about were all the people I loved and all the terrible things that could happen to them. Naturally, Huxley didn’t let me off the hook that easily. He stood and raced after me, threading his fingers through mine while walking me back to our tent. “What’s on your mind, Ash?”
It was a question they all had been asking me daily, like figuring out the way my brain worked would somehow heal whatever we were going through. Huxley and I stopped outside my tent, and instead of answering him, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his body close to mine.
“I’m thinking that I need you.” I needed all of them and the distraction they offered. The only time I wasn’t thinking about all the danger we faced was when I was with them.
Huxley gently lifted me up, cradling me in his arms before carrying me inside our makeshift shelter, stumbling a bit when he had to get through the door. There was a pallet on the floor, and he gently laid me down. The interior of the tent was large enough for all of us, and the moment that thought entered my mind, the door opened, revealing the rest of my men.
I watched as each of them slipped out of their shoes and removed their shirts. Huxley started meticulously unlacing my leather boots before sliding them off of my feet. “Leave it to Kemper to build the best damn tent there is,” Patrick joked before removing his pants and settling beside me. He reached across my chest and started unbuttoning my top, letting it slide off of my shoulders before discarding the dust-covered material.
“Got to take care of my woman,” Kemper replied with a shrug. I broke through the haze of my depression to look at his muscular frame, dragging my eyes down his abs then back up to his crystal blue eyes. His blond hair was much longer now.