by Finn, Emilia
“What hap…” I pause. “I mean, how did you get better?”
We step up onto the opposite side of the street as he shrugs. “I don’t know. A combination of things, I guess. Time was probably the biggest factor. Doctor Greene. My friends refused to leave me alone. Kane and Jay took me to their favorite tattoo artist and sullied my virgin skin.”
I laugh, but it sounds choked and desperate more than anything else. “I like your tattoos.”
He gives a contemplative nod. “Me too. They tell a story. It was almost like a purging; I had to sit in that chair for hours every time. No one tried to talk to me; no one tried to force small talk. So we sat in silence, an almost vigil while the guy inked my story into my skin.” He stops us in the middle of the sidewalk for a moment, then grins. “An ofrenda, of sorts. Instead of a candle, I inked them in so I would never forget. Every day while I showered, I would see them. Every night before bed, I would see them. Back in that first year when I so desperately wanted to forget, I would see them. It was both punishment and reward. They were good girls, and I was fortunate they were once mine. Even the pain I felt in that moment, the pain I feel now, was worth it.” We start walking again. “Greene prescribed pills for the first little while to help me find the numb, but it wasn’t until the Bishops got their claws into me and showed me feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, that things started to turn.”
“Hence, tattoos.”
He nods. “We went searching for the pain.”
“Do you still see that shrink? Do you talk to anyone about what happened?”
“I rarely talk about it anymore. The guys ask sometimes if I’m doing okay, but they respect my boundaries for the most part. I talk to Greene still. We created something of a friendship after all these years. He’s seen me cry, after all. So a friendship was inevitable. I haven’t seen him in person in a few years, but we video conference semi-regularly. More so this past year.”
I slow my steps and look up at him with a frown. “Why more lately?”
“Because things seem to be coming to the surface again. Jessie is pregnant. Jay came home and brought Soph with him… The waitress at Franky’s has a son, and they both stole my heart.”
My lips tremble as my heart yearns for him, but my brain savagely reminds me that loving him hurts. “When was the last time you spoke to your doctor?”
“In person, years. On the phone, this morning. I missed you and Mac so much I was making myself sick. He suggested I just… go to you.” He chuckles. “It’s not supposed to be that simple, but here I am, talking to you, and you didn’t rip my face off yet, so maybe he’s on to something.”
“Don’t get complacent. I still have time.”
He grins. “The people I was afraid of… they’re not an issue anymore. They’re not a threat for me, which means I was staying away for no reason. Before this, they were my barrier to overcome. Now, you are… so I’m hoping to convince you to give me one more chance. One last shot, but I want it all in the open. No secret hook-ups, no middle of the night dashes through town, no sneaking around. I want to date you for real, and I want everyone to know about it.”
“So you make a decision, and now everyone else has to fall in line?”
“No.” We pass under a streetlight so our shadows move around us. “You don’t have to do anything, but I’m not going to walk away without asking. Whether you say yes or no, my heart doesn’t switch on and off like a light. So you might say no today, but I’ll probably be back in the diner tomorrow to ask about the relish. I have nothing but time, and you know I like burgers.”
I shake my head, but still, I lean into him and squeeze. “You’re so stubborn.”
“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be such an issue if your son would stop trying to sell you off.”
I lean back. “Huh?”
“He asked Spence what he thought about dating you. He listed your attributes like you were a car. You have nice hair, a pretty smile, and get a thousand miles to a tank of gas.”
“Stop it! He did not.”
He laughs. “Well, not the tank of gas thing, but he totally tried to set you up with Spence. But that only lasted a few minutes until Spence got himself blacklisted. He might have mentioned his proclivity for kink in bed.”
“No!” I gasp. “He did not say that to my fourteen-year-old son!”
“He straight up mentioned whipping women,” Eric laughs. “Then he almost got himself shot when he asked how Mac would feel if you called him Daddy.”
“Oh my God,” I groan. “That’s probably why my kid is quiet! He needs a damn shrink to work out all the shit in his head.”
“Wait.” Eric pulls me to a stop when I try to turn back. “Where are you going?”
“To my son! He’s probably trying to give himself a lobotomy as we speak.”
“No,” he laughs. “He’s okay. We got to talking a little bit lately. I kinda…” His eyes turn wary. “I kinda spilled my guts to your kid when he asked about Gem and Callie. I didn’t know he knew, so when he brought it up…”
“That was my fault.” My voice cracks. “I’m sorry for telling him your business.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad you both know. He was very mature in the way he spoke with me about it. He’s so smart for his age, empathetic and kind. We talked, which in itself felt a bit like a session with a shrink. But this time, it was with a kid who swore he’d have protected Callie if he knew her. He mentioned taking her to the gym to teach her how to fight, and beating the boys off, because she was probably pretty, and it would be his responsibility as her…” He hesitates. “Her brother.”
“Her brother?” Fresh tears spill onto my cheeks. “Oh my God.”
“Yeah.” He presses a kiss to my brow. “Mac seemed to feel my pain; he understood me, then he spoke about Callie and how she’d be his sister.”
“He asked me this morning about Zeke,” I admit. “The baby must be due soon, so maybe that’s why it’s on his mind. He talked about how he doesn’t feel a connection to that baby. Or to any of the others Zeke has floating around. They’re his siblings by blood, but he doesn’t care about them.”
“He knows family, and he knows that blood doesn’t mean love.”
“My sweet baby.” Silent tears track over my cheek. “He’s so perfectly fucked up.”
Eric barks out a laugh. “But aren’t we all? No one gets through life without a metric ton of baggage. Some of us hide it better, but we’ve all got it.”
“And some of us screech about it in a diner while she waves a coffee pot in the air.”
His smile dims as we pass under another streetlight. “I’m sorry for dropping the heavy on your son. He asked; I wasn’t going to share, but then it was just out there. Everything came spilling out, so now he knows way more than he ever should.”
“It’s okay.” I wipe a hand beneath my eyes and pray I don’t smudge my makeup. “I already spilled most of it to him, so if he asked for more, then he was willing to listen. But I really think I should go see him. I have to make sure he’s–”
“Hold on.” Eric grabs my face and drags his thumbs beneath my eyes. “He’ll kill me if you go back and look like you’ve been crying.” He takes a moment to stroke my face. He says he’s cleaning me up, but I feel like, as we stand under the stars and soft snow falls on our heads, this might be something else. “One date, Katrina? I’m begging you to give me one last chance.”
“I don’t know how to compete with the love of your life.” There! I said it. My ugly truth. “I can’t compete with her, and I won’t be able to feel good about myself knowing I was the consolation prize.”
“No.” He drops his lips to mine and swallows my surprised gasp. My gaze skitters across his face as he pulls back. “It’s not a competition. It was never a competition. Gem has been gone for ten years already. A whole decade. I’ve met women since then. I’ve spent a little time with them. But not a single one of them scared me like you do. None of them tore the heart from my chest and kept
it for themselves.”
“You took mine,” I whisper. “You danced with me in the diner and whispered things that took my breath away. You seduced me beneath the stars and stole the only thing I had left to give.”
He releases my face, but pulls me back under his arm so we continue back the way we came. “I love you, Katrina. I never stopped. I know I hurt you when I ran, but I promise I won’t do it again. Everything we are is now in your hands. Your choices, your shots. If you want to know my deepest darkest fears, it’s you. You could destroy me. You could tear me apart and send me straight back into that dark hole. You terrify me, but I love you so much that I’m willing to take the risk. This thing between us…” He sighs. “I can’t let it go. So I have to trust that everything is going to be okay.”
I wrap both of my arms around his hips and snuggle in tight. He’s as vulnerable as I am. Perhaps more so. And knowing that gives me a little of the power back that I thought he stole. We stop at the corner of the next block, and while he checks for traffic, I stare up at the sky and smile. “Do you think our stars have found each other?” He slows and looks down into my eyes. “Our binary stars. Maybe they’re up there right now, twinkling and saying hey.”
“Well, actually, stars don’t twinkle. They look like they’re twinkling to us, but that’s actually the atmospheric gasses shifting.”
“You’re an atmospheric gas,” I grumble.
Chuckling, he grabs my jaw and pulls my face up to his. “Yes. I see our stars twinkling and finding each other. It took a really long time, but we got there, right?”
I nod. “Right.”
“One date?”
I’m a glutton for punishment. “A million?”
He flashes the most magnificent smile that makes me think of atmospheric gasses. “Thank you. I won’t fuck it up twice, I swear.”
30
Mac
“I swear to hell and back, if you ruin this, I’m going to rip your nuts out of your throat.” I stand up under my best friend’s angry glare. He’s taller than me, broader, and his fists hurt like a motherfucker, but I’m badder; I have soldiers on my side, and I will not be swayed. “Sit down, shut your trap, mind your business.”
“I think you’re all sorts of fucked in the head for encouraging this shit. Seriously, I don’t get you.”
“I’m not selfish like you.” I shove Ben back so the couch slides back when he lands. “I care that she’s happy; I care that they’re happy, but you just cared about keeping your mommy to yourself. You lost your war; your mom got married, and oh no, she’s happy. The horror!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“Not one single word.” I turn just as my mom enters the living room in a beautiful black dress and high heels I have never seen her wear. It’s almost as though she splurged for the first time in her life and bought new shoes for the occasion. “You look beautiful, Mom.”
“Hooker heels,” Ben coughs.
Mom’s smiling eyes snap to Ben, but I throw my leg out and slam him back against the couch. “I like your shoes, Mom. They’re pretty.”
“Thanks, honey. Is this…” She wags her fingers between me and Ben. “Is this going to be an issue? Do I need to stay home?”
“No, it’s not an issue. Ben forgot his meds today, so he’s got a nasty case of Tourette’s, but we’ve got it under control.”
Mom stops at the kitchen counter and begins fixing her clutch, adding keys, phone, lipstick. “I have this place on full lockdown, and Spence is watching. You are not allowed to step a single foot outside that front door.” She stops and turns back to me. “Please don’t ruin this, baby. Don’t make me worry.”
“I promise you have nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. I have a headache, so I’m not moving my ass off that couch once you leave. Not even for pizza. You’ll be back by eleven; we’ll be asleep, and tomorrow, we all get to share an awkward breakfast together.”
“Gag!” Ben chokes behind me. “This is unnatural, Mac. This is way not okay.”
“How’s your mom doing, Benny?” Mom steps across the living room and stops in front of him. “How’s your sister?”
“Liv’s good. She’s sleeping at the Rollers tonight. She wanted a sleepover with Bean.”
“Hmm.” Mom’s lips twitch. “Livi’s not home. And you’re not home…”
Benny’s eyes narrow. “So what?”
“So nothing…” Mom flips her hair over her shoulder at the knock on our front door. “I wonder what your mom and stepdad are doing tonight… all alone.”
“No!” Ben explodes and digs the phone from his pocket. “No! Oz said he was working tonight.”
“Mmhm.” Mom turns to answer the door, but I move first and ignore the twang of pain in my leg and my aching muscles. I’m falling apart seven decades too soon. Ben and I have trained hard this week in prep for my upcoming fight. I have a winning streak, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting it slip because I got lazy.
Stopping at the door, I peek through the peephole like I’ve been ordered to do, then I swing it open and look Eric up and down. He ain’t wearing flannel today, but a full suit and tie. No earflap hat, but combed hair instead. No work boots, but shiny black dress shoes. “Jesus, Cap. You stepped up.” I narrow my eyes and study him closer. “What did you change? You look like you aged backwards.”
He rubs a hand over his chin. “Tidied up is all.”
“You don’t look super old today. Bravo.”
“I’m not old!” He angles his head as though to catch a glimpse of my mom. “Can I come in?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about curfews.” His eyes widen. This whole time, I’ve been throwing her at him, but now that I hooked him, it’s time I take back my control. “Eleven o’clock. Not a second later. Don’t disrespect her, Cap. You make her cry, I’ll make you cry. You ditch her for the next month, I’ll come find you at Spence’s and show you how I feel about you making my mom cry.”
He lifts a brow and bites down on a twitching lip. “Eleven p.m. curfew. No crying, no ghosting. Anything else?”
“Yeah. What are your intentions?”
“That’s enough!” Mom pulls me back from the door and pays no attention when I practically slam against the wall. Now that she’s in love, she’s cool with me hitting walls and doesn’t stop to kiss my booboos anymore.
“I see how it is.”
“Katrina…” Eric practically chokes on his tongue as he looks her up and down. “Wow. You look beautiful.”
“I told you,” Ben whispers as he passes. “I warned you, motherfucker. I told you setting her up wouldn’t end well for you.”
“But she’s smiling.” I stand a few feet away and smile while Mom fluffs her skirt. She feels beautiful; she is beautiful, and it’s all because Eric treats her like a queen. “It was totally worth it. I wouldn’t give her to just any dude. But Cap is good for her.” I keep his secrets to myself because, though Ben might be my best friend, Eric deserves to tell his story in his own time. “He earned this.”
“I still think you’re a sucker. They’re gonna get married now; you know that, right?”
The new couple pay us no attention as they whisper and giggle at the door. She’s never had this; not once in my whole life has a guy come to the door in a suit or made her fluff her skirt and blush.
I follow Benny back to the couch and grunt when I sit down. “They might get married,” I whisper. “As long as she’s smiling like that when she says I do, then I made the right move. I don’t regret this.”
“And what if they make babies?” he prompts. “She’s still young. I mean, he’s old as fuck, but she’s young, and maybe she’ll have more babies.”
I shrug and watch her step away from the door. “I kinda hope she does. She deserves it. She deserves a redo. She deserves to experience it with a good man, where she can share the wake ups and diapers and shit. She literally doesn’t know how to share the load, and I feel like he’d make her.”
“You’r
e fuckin’ sick,” Benny grunts under his breath.
“Alright, boys.” Mom stops in front of us and drops her hands to her hips. “Are we good?”
“We’re good, Mom. No one in, no one out. We’re gonna watch TV, and that’s it. I promise. I’m seriously beat, so I’ll be in bed soon. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“We’re going to Pinocchio’s. You’re wearing my it’s-not-a-panic-button panic-button watch. You have your phone. Spence is watching, and he’ll snitch hard, so don’t test the system. If you need me, call me. I won’t get mad. If you want me to come home, we’ll come home. We won’t get mad. If at any point this,” she points between her and the door, “makes you uncomfortable, tell me. I won’t get mad.”
“Go away, Mom.” I snatch up the remote and flip the TV to the movie channel. “Seriously, go away. You’re going to eat at a restaurant two miles from here. I think I’m gonna be okay. If you wanna text to check in, you can. I won’t get mad.” I mimic her tone and enjoy the way her lips thin. “If you miss me, call me. I won’t get mad. But please, try and enjoy this. Tomorrow, you’ll be back in the diner, and your Cinderella night will be over. Enjoy it.”
“I love you, baby.” She steps forward and brushes hair back off my face. Dropping a kiss on my forehead, she whispers it again, “I love you so much.”
Stepping back, she does the same to Benny. She brushes his hair back and presses red lips to his forehead, leaving a mark behind. “Be good, Benny. Don’t make me smack you.”
“You be good, Miss Blair. Don’t make me give you the talk.”
Eric waits by the door with a satisfied smile and offers his arm when Mom heads in his direction. For the first time in my life, a man picks her up at the door; he wears something smart and fancy, and he doesn’t swear or talk to her like shit. For the first time in my life, she walks to a man with a smile.